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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Son's grandfather is taking me to court

106 replies

xx200xx · 26/05/2023 20:50

Hello,
So I'm currently in a refuge due to my sons father, we have been going through family court proceedings for a few months now and a non molestration was accepted and now going through child visitation proceedings. Contact between my son and his father is going to be going ahead but when judges decided what's the best approach. My son is 1 year old.

However my ex partners father has just applied for court also to try and take me som. He's accusing me of child abuse ans neglect. His concerns are that he has not seen my child for 10 weeks and he don't know where I am. My sons father and grandfather live together and have definitely teamed up now to try and get my son. The grandfather has said I neglected my son since birth and I did cocaine on a daily basis. This is all lies. They would all tell me how much of a good mother I am.

Social services even said they had no concerns over me. I'm just so worried now because the grandfather is trying to take me son away from me. I now need another CAFCASS interview even tho I'm already going through the proocedings of this.

Any advice please??? I'm so scared

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 22:51

@Godlovesall26 yes I understand thankyou!

OP posts:
Iyiyiiii · 26/05/2023 22:56

ClusterFuckIt · 26/05/2023 22:00

Half the world is doing cocaine on nights out, I wouldn’t worry about it too much. Habitual cannabis use or drinking would impair your parenting much more.

afaik grandparents have no rights to access. Let him take you to court.

Where on earty are you getting these stats from?

I'm mid 50s, I know possibly 2 people who have used coke but not regularly

In the UK in 2017-2018, 2.6% of people aged 16-59 took powdered cocaine (as opposed to crack cocaine, the more potent variant of the drug, which was taken by 0.1% of the population in the same period), up from 2.4% in 2013-2014, according to Home Office figures.More young people are taking cocaine than ever before: 6% of 16- to 24-year-olds have tried it, despite the fact that, overall, fewer young people take drugs in general. It is also likely that Home Office figures, which often exclude students, prisoners and homeless people, underestimate cocaine use because those groups typically have above-average illegal drug use.

They continue to favour the drug: data from the crime survey of England and Wales showed that powdered cocaine use increased from 2.2% in 2014/15 to 3.4% in 2017/18 in households earning £50,000 a year or more.

Cocaine use on the rise in richer homes in England and Wales

Crime survey figures also show a proportionate decrease among poorer households

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2018/aug/01/cocaine-use-on-the-rise-in-richer-english-and-welsh-homes

Conkered · 26/05/2023 22:58

xx200xx · 26/05/2023 22:47

The grandad is lying, his and his sons statements say different things. My social worker could see through both of them already.

The grandfather tried wrecking my stuff like clothes and electronics and also trying to add all my family on Facebook and inboxing people he don't know to try and find me. He is seeing my son when my sons father sees him as that was gonna be the plan. So I'm not sure why all of a sudden he's done this

Show quote history

I think you're going to be just fine.

It must be so scary going through this, but it sounds like you're actually doing an amazing job. Keep doing what you're doing, being strong and stepping up for your baby. Get as much support as you can from everywhere you can think. The evidence from drug tests will speak for itself and I don't think any family court judge is going to look favourably on the father or the grandad for maliciously trying to break up a loving mum and her baby ❤

suburbophobe · 26/05/2023 23:02

Habitual cannabis use or drinking would impair your parenting much more.

MN does come out with some total crap.....

If that were the case with cannabis it wouldn't be legalized in many countries.

These are the countries where marijuana is legal | Condé Nast Traveller India (cntraveller.in)

These are the countries where marijuana is legal

What to know about cannabis laws in Canada, the Netherlands, USA and more

https://www.cntraveller.in/story/these-are-the-countries-where-marijuana-is-legal/

Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:03

@Conkered Thankyou so much ❤️ trying my best to stay strong for my son he's my world!! They all know the bond between my son and I. :(

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 26/05/2023 23:03

Cakeandcoffee93 · 26/05/2023 21:44

Cocaine lasts 3 days actually so you’d be fine. Most people do it on nights out / I don’t like lol
cannabis is 31 days if it’s a one off. If habitual longer
I am sure the grandad wouldn’t have a leg to stand on with him living with father of child

“Most people” 100% don’t take class A drugs on a night out…

adviceneeded1990 · 26/05/2023 23:04

The Dad is so abusive that Mum is in refuge. The Grandfather sounds unhinged. Both parents do drugs. Poor baby 😞

Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:04

suburbophobe · 26/05/2023 23:02

Habitual cannabis use or drinking would impair your parenting much more.

MN does come out with some total crap.....

If that were the case with cannabis it wouldn't be legalized in many countries.

These are the countries where marijuana is legal | Condé Nast Traveller India (cntraveller.in)

I truly felt more relaxed and less on edge and frustrated. I know it might sound daft but I thought I was helping me at the time. My head wasn't spinning with thoughts

OP posts:
Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:06

adviceneeded1990 · 26/05/2023 23:04

The Dad is so abusive that Mum is in refuge. The Grandfather sounds unhinged. Both parents do drugs. Poor baby 😞

I don't do drugs now?? My son is a very happy baby and anyone can say that, I really didn't want any judgement I just wanted advice. I admitted to my wrongs . Please understand my situation first

OP posts:
Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 23:06

Just my opinion but this is how I’d tackle it:
2 pronged attack —- First, you must be squeaky clean, no drugs, no getting drunk. Never smoke near your child. Your baby is clean, fed, dressed, well cared for. You look tidy, clean, caring. Make sure there is baby milk, food, nappies. No dirty dishes lying around. Get baby books from the library, make sure your lo has some toys.
Second, You write down everything grandfather and ex have ever done wrong from being drunk to drugs — did your ex give you drugs? Did either steal, shoplift, pick fights. Write it all down logically, calmly and factually.
At any court hearings make sure you have legal representation and you’ve given them all the facts. Have a friend or refuge worker for support but do not turn up with a crowd of friends, that can become argumentative, loud, looks bad.
You can fight this, you’re doing what is best for your child and for your future.

Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:09

Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 23:06

Just my opinion but this is how I’d tackle it:
2 pronged attack —- First, you must be squeaky clean, no drugs, no getting drunk. Never smoke near your child. Your baby is clean, fed, dressed, well cared for. You look tidy, clean, caring. Make sure there is baby milk, food, nappies. No dirty dishes lying around. Get baby books from the library, make sure your lo has some toys.
Second, You write down everything grandfather and ex have ever done wrong from being drunk to drugs — did your ex give you drugs? Did either steal, shoplift, pick fights. Write it all down logically, calmly and factually.
At any court hearings make sure you have legal representation and you’ve given them all the facts. Have a friend or refuge worker for support but do not turn up with a crowd of friends, that can become argumentative, loud, looks bad.
You can fight this, you’re doing what is best for your child and for your future.

My baby is well dressed, fed, clean, always tidy room. All immunisations up to date, dentist coming up also. Everyone tells me I need to stop worrying about him to mcuh because I always think he's not fed enough when he is. I'd do anything for my son. He's very well cared for x

OP posts:
Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 23:09

Also, engage with social workers.
Go on a parenting course.
Join any free or low cost groups for baby music, baby gym, whatever the current things are these days. The whole idea is for you to look like the calm, happy, willing to learn, well providing mum you are.

adviceneeded1990 · 26/05/2023 23:10

xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:06

I don't do drugs now?? My son is a very happy baby and anyone can say that, I really didn't want any judgement I just wanted advice. I admitted to my wrongs . Please understand my situation first

Show quote history

You said earlier in the thread that you’ve done drugs since your baby is born, and he’s only one!

If you really want advice, the poster above has it spot on - be 100% above reproach. Healthy, clean, active lifestyle. Plenty of age appropriate activities for baby. Diary of any abuse from Dad/Grandad. Look at your circle - we end up like the people we associate with. Make sure your own support system is strong. We all make mistakes but if his Dad and paternal family is crap then you’ve got to be even better so that your son breaks negative cycles and has an amazing life.

Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:10

Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 23:09

Also, engage with social workers.
Go on a parenting course.
Join any free or low cost groups for baby music, baby gym, whatever the current things are these days. The whole idea is for you to look like the calm, happy, willing to learn, well providing mum you are.

I attended all my baby classes and my first aid courses. Since 6 weeks old. I take him out all the time. He's developed amazingly.

OP posts:
Zarataralara · 26/05/2023 23:11

Brilliant — you’ve got this. Make the list of everything grandad and ex have got wrong. Stay strong.

Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:12

@adviceneeded1990

Yes but I also stated I stopped doing drugs the moment I got out of that situation. I haven't touched a thing and don't feel like I need to. I started cannabis when my son was maybe three months old and I'm not proud

OP posts:
NotRightNowNo · 26/05/2023 23:13

OP you need to leave drugs behind you and concentrate on your child. Just focus on your future. It's time to get real.
Meant with kindness as someone with a past...

Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:13

NotRightNowNo · 26/05/2023 23:13

OP you need to leave drugs behind you and concentrate on your child. Just focus on your future. It's time to get real.
Meant with kindness as someone with a past...

I have completely stopped taking drugs I haven't had any since the start of this year!! I will never do it again. X

OP posts:
adviceneeded1990 · 26/05/2023 23:15

xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:12

@adviceneeded1990

Yes but I also stated I stopped doing drugs the moment I got out of that situation. I haven't touched a thing and don't feel like I need to. I started cannabis when my son was maybe three months old and I'm not proud

We all make mistakes. Just try to make sure your life is as good as it can be, that’s how you protect your son. Don’t listen to posters telling you “everyone” does cannabis and/or coke - that’s an indication of their social circles not wider society.

BeautBastard · 26/05/2023 23:15

@NotRightNowNo the op has stated clearly that she has already stopped any drug use. Read the thread properly if you want to be helpful.

missymousey · 26/05/2023 23:16

No advice but just wanted to say I've read the full thread and you sound amazing. What a strong person and what a great mum you are becoming now that you're free of your ex. Onward and upward for you and your LO.

Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:19

missymousey · 26/05/2023 23:16

No advice but just wanted to say I've read the full thread and you sound amazing. What a strong person and what a great mum you are becoming now that you're free of your ex. Onward and upward for you and your LO.

Thankyou i really appreciate this❤️

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 26/05/2023 23:20

xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:04

I truly felt more relaxed and less on edge and frustrated. I know it might sound daft but I thought I was helping me at the time. My head wasn't spinning with thoughts

Show quote history

It does, a bit like a glass of wine (albeit differently). And it’s a less harsh drug than others. But bottom line is with a newborn it shouldn’t be happening daily. And you’re in a court case, which is a different ball game. And focus on the UK rules.

I’d try to see if you can get at least reading recommendations on drug use general functioning, although you won’t be back on it hopefully, it may help you process (just a calm audiobook for instance), although counseling would be ideal.

If there is a possibility of reaching out to your family, have you considered it ? A support network is valuable in court (and in life). Pretty much what your ex is trying to do (the loving grandfather - who gets drunk every night! Hopefully you can find better sources).

Godlovesall26 · 26/05/2023 23:25

Godlovesall26 · 26/05/2023 23:20

It does, a bit like a glass of wine (albeit differently). And it’s a less harsh drug than others. But bottom line is with a newborn it shouldn’t be happening daily. And you’re in a court case, which is a different ball game. And focus on the UK rules.

I’d try to see if you can get at least reading recommendations on drug use general functioning, although you won’t be back on it hopefully, it may help you process (just a calm audiobook for instance), although counseling would be ideal.

If there is a possibility of reaching out to your family, have you considered it ? A support network is valuable in court (and in life). Pretty much what your ex is trying to do (the loving grandfather - who gets drunk every night! Hopefully you can find better sources).

Show quote history

Just to be clear, when I say it does, I’m not condoning the use. Medical cannabis is and should be in my eyes a separate issues.
Exercice produces endorphins, music also, social interactions, you just weren’t in a position to do that. But cannabis is no way to live.

Original poster
xx200xx · 26/05/2023 23:25

@Godlovesall26

He was about three months I know that don't make much of a difference tbh I know, but I never thought all this would come to court back then I thought I had my life set out in a way if that makes sense

Tbh I think I'm coping so much better, so I don't need recourses just focusing on starting fresh and thinking of my son is enough to help me. I just watch videos etc now just relaxing in different ways.

My mums now back in my life so she takes me out and that's helping but it's the anxiety over the whole court proceedings that take over.

OP posts:
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