Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If this was your husband.....

110 replies

GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:19

We have been together almost 20 years. 2 amazing children in their teens, nice enough home and lifestyle (not mn high earners by any stretch of the imagination but comfortable enough).
Would the following be enough to make you want to leave or am I having a mid life crisis:

  • His main focus is either the TV or his phone. When I say focus, the kids or myself can start talking to him and it's like we are not there! Totally blanks us, I have to repeatedly say his name to get his attention. *He has been told he is slightly deaf by the person doing his hearing test at work. I believe this has worsened (see above!) but he says not and refuses to have another hearing test.
  • Epically forgetful, absolutely nothing would get done if I wasn't the driving force behind it. He forgets simple things that are done at the same time every day.....if I get mad/frustrated he whines that I am always having a go at him! Nothing is ever is fault....always tries to argue why it cannot be his fault. It is his fault and he should be more responsible as far as I am concerned. *Believes everything he reads online, I often have to have a quick Google to disprove the article he read.....then he says he didn't believe it anyway , he was just reading the headline. *Doesn't recognise scam emails. *Cannot use most technology. Obviously he has good points, when we argue he always says he was good enough for me to marry him so what's my problem now! My problem is I am exhausted with it all, I work full time and oversee EVERYTHING at home as I cannot trust him with even basic things (he leaves the hob turned on after using the oven for example, he nearly set the tea towel on fire the other day!) I have health conditions of my own to Deal with and I am wondering if it would all just be easier by myself with the kids. Sorry that was epically long!
OP posts:
uhOhOP · 24/05/2023 13:23

How old is he? Just wondering because of the inability to use technology (what sorts of things does he struggle with?) and inability to recognise a scam. Sounds like a frustrating situation overall, in any case.

CornishGem1975 · 24/05/2023 13:24

I mean, there aren't many massive red flags there, just annoyances so no, I wouldn't leave. I'd just tell him to get off his phone and stop being so gullible.

Fiddlerdragon · 24/05/2023 13:25

I think you just need to stop doing things for him op. If he can’t work out how to use some electrical devise then he simply doesn’t get to use it. If he forgets to do things then it simply doesn’t get done and he deals with the consequences. I think you need to put things in place so that you and the kids aren’t massively impacted by him being useless and just let him get on with it.

Original poster
GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:27

Mid 50's, he came from a very poor background and never kept up with advances in tech. Anything he doesn't know he refuses to learn (expects me to know how to do everything though!)
Obviously he has good points but I wanted to know how other people would feel about the situation.

OP posts:
Datingdad74 · 24/05/2023 13:27

Have you considered the fact there may well be another reason for this other than he’s just not focussed? Forgetting things, not being responsive when called, could mean something more than just a loss of hearing. Like a lot of men when it comes to health they don’t bother getting checked out.
Perhaps I’m wrong but being lazy isn’t a reason to leave someone. A lot of people believe what they read on the internet, not being able to use technology wouldn’t likely be something he’s just stopped doing that’s likely always been there. What should you do? Make time for you would be my suggestion, you don’t have to do everything right now, you have two teen children do they help around the house? Empty the dishwasher, Hoover clean the bathroom so that the time you’d be doing that you could do something else.

ICMB · 24/05/2023 13:29

This might sound rude (but I mean it genuinely), is he demented?

StrawberriesSW1 · 24/05/2023 13:34

Sounds like reduced well being. Aging, health issue.
Humans don't get rid of their digs, when they age but fellow humans perhaps so.

CornishGem1975 · 24/05/2023 13:37

GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:27

Mid 50's, he came from a very poor background and never kept up with advances in tech. Anything he doesn't know he refuses to learn (expects me to know how to do everything though!)
Obviously he has good points but I wanted to know how other people would feel about the situation.

I have colleagues of that age, and a bit older, and they are just the same. They can use a computer but refuse to get involved in any new tech or platforms etc. I think it's an age thing, too stuck in their ways.

Original poster
GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:42

@Datingdad74 the kids are really good, they help plenty (probably because I brought them up with determination that they wouldn't be like their dad!)
@ICMB I honestly don't know!
Just for the record this hasn't just come on with age, he has always been like this to a certain extent (hid it better when we were dating though!) I think I let a lot more slide when I was younger and had more energy, I think it is more frustrating now that I really need to slow down for my health but I just don't feel like I can.

OP posts:
Original poster
GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:44

@CornishGem1975 thank you.....he wouldn't even know how to turn a computer on! Never sent an email etc. Not the end of the world but it just means its another thing for me to do!

OP posts:
uhOhOP · 24/05/2023 13:45

Datingdad74 · 24/05/2023 13:27

Have you considered the fact there may well be another reason for this other than he’s just not focussed? Forgetting things, not being responsive when called, could mean something more than just a loss of hearing. Like a lot of men when it comes to health they don’t bother getting checked out.
Perhaps I’m wrong but being lazy isn’t a reason to leave someone. A lot of people believe what they read on the internet, not being able to use technology wouldn’t likely be something he’s just stopped doing that’s likely always been there. What should you do? Make time for you would be my suggestion, you don’t have to do everything right now, you have two teen children do they help around the house? Empty the dishwasher, Hoover clean the bathroom so that the time you’d be doing that you could do something else.

I think being lazy is a reason to leave somebody when it gets to the point that they leave everything to their spouse. Why should it be that way? I'm not saying OP should leave, to be clear.

itdoesnt · 24/05/2023 13:49

He isn't a dog, op didn't adopt him.

You're entitled to enjoy your years too op and not feel you are babysitting another adult. He's only in his 50's fgs. If my 80 year old mum can send an email then so can he.

You aren't unreasonable at all.

ChiChaNaYubi · 24/05/2023 13:51

Just sounds like he’s becoming an old man

uhOhOP · 24/05/2023 13:51

GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:27

Mid 50's, he came from a very poor background and never kept up with advances in tech. Anything he doesn't know he refuses to learn (expects me to know how to do everything though!)
Obviously he has good points but I wanted to know how other people would feel about the situation.

Everything you detailed in your OP paints the picture of somebody who is like another child for you. Everything all together sounds so fucking tiring, and he's a fire risk to top it off! You have my sympathy.

I wouldn't say you should leave, but I suppose what you might be thinking about is if it's like this now, it's probably just going to get worse as he ages. Maybe now you're able to shrug it off and get by, and maybe even laugh about it sometimes, but how are you going to feel when you're in your 60s and nothing has changed and you're still overseeing this man to make sure he doesn't get sucked in by scammers and lose your joint money and that he doesn't set the house alight when you aren't there?

sheworemellowyellow · 24/05/2023 13:52

How would I feel? I think I’d be dreading the future: what will he be like when his health deteriorates? How much more dependent might he become? What is retirement going to look like, when kids have left home etc?

I believe in the vows I took, this isn’t LTB territory. But neither is this fair on you.

You need to talk, and he needs to hear you. If he can’t/won’t do things, he has to find a better solution than dumping on you.

Undisclosedlocation · 24/05/2023 13:53

GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:44

@CornishGem1975 thank you.....he wouldn't even know how to turn a computer on! Never sent an email etc. Not the end of the world but it just means its another thing for me to do!

Sorry but this screams of strategic incompetence to me.
If he can work a phone, he can learn to work a laptop. At the very least, he can learn to turn off the hob ffs!
Sounds like a pattern of enabling has become the easier option tbh. And no, it’s not something I could live with. I would lose all respect/patience for my OH if he behaved the way you describe

PousseyNotMoira · 24/05/2023 13:55

GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:44

@CornishGem1975 thank you.....he wouldn't even know how to turn a computer on! Never sent an email etc. Not the end of the world but it just means its another thing for me to do!

How has someone in their 50’s never sent an email? How does he get anything done? What does he do for a living?

And yet he can somehow figure out his phone?! 🧐

tailinthejam · 24/05/2023 13:56

GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 13:27

Mid 50's, he came from a very poor background and never kept up with advances in tech. Anything he doesn't know he refuses to learn (expects me to know how to do everything though!)
Obviously he has good points but I wanted to know how other people would feel about the situation.

Is he epically hopeless at work too, or does he manage to hold down a job and do that just fine?

Isheabastard · 24/05/2023 13:57

How has your marriage been generally over the years? Has he always been forgetful ie leaving the hob on, etc.? Or are these new things? Are you of a similar age and in peri or menopause?

If his forgetfulness is new, then it could be a combination of his brain aging and you being more tired and irritated because of menopause symptoms.

Whether knowing this would help you weather this blip in your marriage only you can know.

However, you don’t necessarily need a ‘good enough’ reason to leave a marriage, if you are not happy and don’t see how it can be fixed, it’s your prerogative to leave.

I would check on line (wikivorce), or see a solicitor first to see what your financial situation would be if you leave. This may help your decision.

Not getting his hearing sorted isn’t helping and he should be willing to do this if it would make your life easier.

Purplefoalfoot · 24/05/2023 13:57

I would suggest he sees the dr. Quite a few red flags for early onset dementia. Could be nothing but hearing loss and dementia are linked and I would get it investigated.

HerMammy · 24/05/2023 13:58

Does he ignore people and not carry out routine tasks at his place of work? I doubt it or he would be unemployed.

Original poster
GloriousHeffy · 24/05/2023 14:07

He holds down a job (been with the same company for around 25 years). It is a manual job, minimal paperwork and no computers at all.
He can do the basics on his phone, I have to show him/do anything more complicated.
I am not in peri menopause as far as I am aware.
I just see other couples that seem like such a team around me.....my relationship feels like I am the Leader and he passively potters along behind me. He just bumbles through life.
I am sure he would have plenty to say about my faults by the way, I am definitely not perfect either.

OP posts:
Begonne · 24/05/2023 14:59

Most relationships need a reset from time to time. We settle into patterns, then life changes a bit and we need to check in with each other.

We might not have the bandwidth to deal with certain issues at busy stages, and it’s easier to ignore or accept things that then become major irritants later. By which time the other person doesn’t know why something they’ve been doing for so long is “suddenly” an issue.

Communication is really hard though - we all hear about how good communication is essential for a relationship but there isn’t a lot of acknowledgement that it’s bloody difficult. It doesn’t sound like you guys are in tune with each other anymore. Counselling can be a way to rebuild and renegotiate (although it can feel pretty threatening too). Would going away for a weekend and just talking, talking, talking be an option?

I definitely don’t think you should put up with the status quo - and look, life is short and you only get one, so maybe you don’t want to spend it with him. And you don’t need to justify yourself if that’s the case.

But if you think there’s a relationship worth saving, it might be helpful to know that “renegotiating the terms and conditions” is probably more common than happy every after.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 24/05/2023 15:10

I agree with previous posters - there's nothing on your list that would immediately scream LTB. However we are not you - and i imagine from your tone that this is just the things that are immediately springing to your mind so you can try and explain to strangers on the internet your feeling that you want to leave.

Firstly - marriages break down for a million different reasons you don't have to be with a husband who is abusive or violent to want to leave.

I agree with an above poster who said sometimes long term relationships need a bit of a re-set - realise that we age - times change and its healthy to reassess and think about if both partners needs are being met. Couple counselling might be able to help you with this if you'd consider that avenue.

A good book that may also help you asses your feelings is Too Good to Leave Too bad to stay.

spuddel · 24/05/2023 15:25

The fact he refuses to have another hearing test would have me fuming! So his refusal means the rest of the family are blocked out or ignored and have to raise their voices to get his attention. Selfish and self absorbed. A marriage works when we pull together and he doesn't sound like he's doing much pulling.

I'd issue an ultimatum about the hearing for starters. And stick to it. He's getting everything his way currently and whining at you when you object. Fuck that!