If this was your husband.....

[GloriousHeffy]

We have been together almost 20 years. 2 amazing children in their teens, nice enough home and lifestyle (not mn high earners by any stretch of the imagination but comfortable enough).
Would the following be enough to make you want to leave or am I having a mid life crisis:

• His main focus is either the TV or his phone. When I say focus, the kids or myself can start talking to him and it's like we are not there! Totally blanks us, I have to repeatedly say his name to get his attention. *He has been told he is slightly deaf by the person doing his hearing test at work. I believe this has worsened (see above!) but he says not and refuses to have another hearing test.
• Epically forgetful, absolutely nothing would get done if I wasn't the driving force behind it. He forgets simple things that are done at the same time every day.....if I get mad/frustrated he whines that I am always having a go at him! Nothing is ever is fault....always tries to argue why it cannot be his fault. It is his fault and he should be more responsible as far as I am concerned. *Believes everything he reads online, I often have to have a quick Google to disprove the article he read.....then he says he didn't believe it anyway , he was just reading the headline. *Doesn't recognise scam emails. *Cannot use most technology. Obviously he has good points, when we argue he always says he was good enough for me to marry him so what's my problem now! My problem is I am exhausted with it all, I work full time and oversee EVERYTHING at home as I cannot trust him with even basic things (he leaves the hob turned on after using the oven for example, he nearly set the tea towel on fire the other day!) I have health conditions of my own to Deal with and I am wondering if it would all just be easier by myself with the kids. Sorry that was epically long!

My DH is exactly the same around the same age and plays the I'm dumb I don't quite get technology card a lot . He plays dumb so he doesn't have to do things it's pure laziness. Yes he pretends he can't hear me too . I changed the rules and gave him specific tasks each week that were usually left to me nothing to hard paying the bills etc.. and wow did he kick off about it . No way was I giving in . He will try to drop back into his old ways every now and then . A friend said the very same thing about could it be early dementia ? Nope he's just a sneaky little bastard who wants an easy life ! . I wouldn't leave my DH because of it and besides I would give him the fucking satisfaction 😉

This is going to sound terrible, and I wouldn't say this in real life (I feel bad enough even thinking it) but I don't know if he is intelligent enough to be doing the strategic incompetence thing! I think he just is incompetent.
He is loyal, hardworking and a decent person but, I dread to think what would happen to our family if I dropped the ball as often as he does.

Perhaps I’m wrong but being lazy isn’t a reason to leave someone
Well actually that would be a huge reason for me to leave a partner.

. A lot of people believe what they read on the internet
True but there is being naive and having no critical thinking at all. The jewel of nativity the OP is talking about would worry me a lot for the future. This guy wouldn’t be safe living in his own!

not being able to use technology wouldn’t likely be something he’s just stopped doing that’s likely always been there.
Well again but nowadays EVERYTHING happens over the Internet. How is he going to cope when he will want his pension, sort stuff with DWP? How about dealing with the bank - there are hardly any branches left etc…
The fact he has managed to avoid it so far is all well and good. But that’s only because the OP facilitated it. Again, he wouldn’t be able to live in his own independently, Wo learning how to use a computer/smartphone.
my MIL is a good example of that. But despite being nearly 80, she us happy to learn!M

I have health conditions of my own to Deal with and I am wondering if it would all just be easier by myself with the kids.

Tbh, it probably would be easier on your own. Because atm I suspect you are more or less doing it all anyway.

And yes after a while, always being the responsible one etc. Gets tiring.
I suspect it worse for one reason though
Anything he doesn't know he refuses to learn (expects me to know how to do everything though!)
Now imo THIS is the issue. It’s nit the struggling that would be an issue for me, it’s the refusal of learn, and totally relying on someone else in the process.

Now, your DH reminds me of my FIL. In his obituary, he was described as someone still living in the 1960s, which was an accurate description. He was also autistic.
Would that ring a bell?

Early onset dementia?
Vitamin B12 deficiency?
Hyper parathyroidism?
Low testosterone?
There a number of health conditions which cause some of these sort of issues.
Get him to the GP if you can. Has he ever had a well man check?

Mid 50s and never sent an email! That’s incredibly unusual …. that’s not old!

It depends on what you want, really, and if you're happy continuing like this.

There are plenty of marriages within my extended family where I wouldn't put up with the crap that they do, but they seem happy enough with it. We have different tolerance thresholds for different behaviours. Your husband certainly sounds annoying, but not abusive or dangerous. Only you can say whether the annoyance outweighs the benefits of the marriage for you personally.

I do think there are steps to take short of actually ending the marriage though. For a start let him know that you are considering ending the marriage if certain things don't change. That might encourage him to pull his finger out and try to work with you to resolve things.

I would actually find that unbearable. Seriously, deeply unattractive.

He has regular blood tests relating to his medical condition and various checks throughout the year so I would assume they would pick anything up that was wrong.
He absolutely lives like it's the past, I don't even think it is deliberate on his part. I just don't think he has it in him to be any other way. Thanks everyone, you have given me something to think about!

He really needs to get his hearing checked. I have a DS who began having hearing loss at age 30 (related to a rare disease). She explained to me how not hearing becomes increasingly comfortable because it allows you to tune out whatever bothers you! And so whether or not you are aware of it you can easily begin to act like an elderly person. You have to fight it. Hopes this helps?

Sounds like my Mum before I realized she had had a series of tiny blodclots in the brain. Suddenly became forgetful, thought the remote was her phone, was disinterested/aggressive and fell for any scam she saw. Just as a precaution you might want to talk to your doctor, though I suspect you'll have to fight to drag your husband there. But better do it before it becomes more serious.

It sounds like being married to Benny from Crossroads.

Quit doing things for him. If he really wants them done he will have to learn.

He could be ill

He could be getting more deaf

He could have a brain problem

Who the fuck knows?

And while you do everything for him, no one will ever know

Stop doing things for him for 6 weeks

Literally stop

See how it goes

Then I'd leave

Life's too short to live with a man child

I had someone like this in my life - kind , loyal , hardworking , manual job that they were very good at ...
But .
Sadly they were not very bright and worse were not interested in learning anything new .
He accepted anything he read as true and had poor comprehension skills , found childish stuff amusing .
I had to lead on everything and make all decisions , decide where to go etc
In the end I realised we were very different and that he wasn't for me .

The problem is if I stop it will affect the kids......if I stop replying to emails it affects their hobbies, if I stop doing the online banking it affects our credit rating and potentially down the line we could lose our home.
If I stop doing the million and one things I do in the background that he has no idea about everything goes to shit. I don't think he is doing it on purpose, I genuinely don't think he could manage on his own 🤷‍♀️
I sound like a proper down trodden little martyr, I promise I am far from it.
I might see if I can at least get him to the GP but he will use the excuse that he can't have anymore time off work so we'll see!

@Thistooshallpass. honestly it sounds like the same person!!
His comprehension skills are abysmal (suspected dyslexia).
We can both read the same news article and he will tell me about it and you would have no clue we had read the same thing from his description!
I have to explain it to him.

Find out if your GP has a late opening night before mentioning it and also learn the opening times of the Boots hearing test centres that would be do-able outside work hours, then tell him he either shows willing to improving his health/hearing or you will have no choice but to accept he has decided not to nurture the marriage or his familie's needs.

I'm trying to process "always on his phone" AND "incompetent with technology". Surely the silver lining of being a phone addict is that you're up to date with how things work.

Wearing aids hearing can lower the risk of dementia and Alzheimer's! So it would also be a protective health factor as well as making life easier. If he chooses not to help his hearing. Start ignoring him 🤷

Does he drink @GloriousHeffy ? I've been with my DP almost 15 years and I have noticed his memory, ability to read and follow instructions, articulate himself and generally cope with life admin have diminished considerably in the time I have known him. He is a daily drinker and, while he gets horrifically drunk far less often than he used to, I believe it's his alcohol use that is behind his decline.

No, it really isn't an age thing. People of all ages are individuals.

My friends in their 50s, 60s and 70s are all on the ball and tech savvy, and I have a friend in her late 80s who would put most on this forum to shame on most accounts.

I am tired of the mindless ageism that gets trotted out so often on these pages. It seems to escape some posters that they too are going to age, and sooner than they think. Do they imagine that comes with a complete personality transplant?

Yes, but he can't be dropping the ball all the time at work or he'd be in trouble there and potentially lose his job.

But he can allow himself to be hopeless at home because at home, in his mind you are 'in charge' of everything so he just switches off. He's probably not even aware he's doing it.

You can actually just use a phone as a - well, a telephone, and spend a lot of time talking to people.

My late FIL was not too dissimilar to what you are describing re your H and that is because his wife did practically everything else pertaining to parenting and mental load. He saw, and indeed grabbed, the opportunity to opt out of family life with both hands.

What do your children think of their dad?. What are they learning about relationships from the two of you here?. They certainly do not see you both as a team.