If this was your husband.....

[GloriousHeffy]

We have been together almost 20 years. 2 amazing children in their teens, nice enough home and lifestyle (not mn high earners by any stretch of the imagination but comfortable enough).
Would the following be enough to make you want to leave or am I having a mid life crisis:

• His main focus is either the TV or his phone. When I say focus, the kids or myself can start talking to him and it's like we are not there! Totally blanks us, I have to repeatedly say his name to get his attention. *He has been told he is slightly deaf by the person doing his hearing test at work. I believe this has worsened (see above!) but he says not and refuses to have another hearing test.
• Epically forgetful, absolutely nothing would get done if I wasn't the driving force behind it. He forgets simple things that are done at the same time every day.....if I get mad/frustrated he whines that I am always having a go at him! Nothing is ever is fault....always tries to argue why it cannot be his fault. It is his fault and he should be more responsible as far as I am concerned. *Believes everything he reads online, I often have to have a quick Google to disprove the article he read.....then he says he didn't believe it anyway , he was just reading the headline. *Doesn't recognise scam emails. *Cannot use most technology. Obviously he has good points, when we argue he always says he was good enough for me to marry him so what's my problem now! My problem is I am exhausted with it all, I work full time and oversee EVERYTHING at home as I cannot trust him with even basic things (he leaves the hob turned on after using the oven for example, he nearly set the tea towel on fire the other day!) I have health conditions of my own to Deal with and I am wondering if it would all just be easier by myself with the kids. Sorry that was epically long!

When you collect your over-60 bus pass from my council, you have to hand in your sense of humour and all your technological abilities at the counter before they'll let you have it.

It's on a big sign on the wall, but obviously none of us can read it because we can't see anything. But the nice lady explains it in words of one syllable at the top of her voice, so that's nice.

You've lost all respect for him OP and while he refuses to make an attempt to step up your resentment is deepening and that's the killer. It's a pattern of helplessness and lack of effort.
Most of us have our own differing line and he's crossed yours now.

I couldn’t live like this. Honestly. Mid 50’s is nothing, how can he even sort out his daily life like paying bills? My dad is 80 and he will text and email me several times a day. Does all his banking, reads the newspaper on his computer and keeps himself very updated. Orders his medicine on the internet too.

Your dh has no excuse, he is lazy and you are not his secretary for the next 30 years.

And my dad has never even been tech savvy, but he knew he had to learn because this is how today’s society is.

Nothing is ever is fault....always tries to argue why it cannot be his fault. It is his fault and he should be more responsible as far as I am concerned.

^^ What else does he do? If you don't remind him its your fault, if you remind him too much you are nagging? Do you have to change your words, or your tone, or wait for the "right" time to broach a subject?

This all sounds quite petty. I don’t see any issues really apart from minor annoyances we have with other people who are not us.
you do need to sit down with him though, and say to him that you’re feeling pretty exhausted and a bit left out and that you’d like to do things together more without you having to worry
It’s his body, if he doesn’t want to have another hearing test. He doesn’t have to explain to him that you don’t have to choose to live with somebody who ignores you

This all sounds quite petty.

No, it really doesn’t. Why should op be responsible for everything?

You've got the ick.

Only a massive effort by the icky person can undo it.

Are you willing to spend 40 more years with a man-child?

'He won't cope on his own.' He manages at work, and funny enough, once divorced they manage just fine, or else in a few weeks have your replacement in situ.

The work situation is tricky, he has done a manual rep

Repetitive job for 25 years. It doesn't take much in the way of thinking.
He uses Facebook on his phone (that I set up for him) to watch videos and look at memes.....its a long way off doing the Internet banking!

I think it’s his personality. It’s like he stopped growing mentally and stayed behind whereas you, children and everything around moved.
I know it sounds cruel but I would leave him. All these will get worse with age and your life will be more difficult. You probably were the same 5 and 10 years ago but looking after children was your common thing, you were too busy to notice all these issues but now children became older and what’s left? Nothing in common.
I think you need to enjoy someone’s company to be together when you are old otherwise it’s unbearable.

Sorry I am trying to reply to everyone....the kids absolutely don't see us as a team. They can't possibly see us that way.
They both definitely see me as strong and capable (seemingly invincible some days, I'm not, I'm bloody knackered)
When he's watching TV and he doesn't hear them talking they roll their eyes a lot, they get frustrated too!

Take a look at the link between hearing loss and dementia. Hes been told he is losing his hearing yet does nothing about it, which would lower his risk. Do you want this to be your retirement?

If he's a decent person, as you say, I'd feel bad for him. But there is no way I'd want to lead the rest of my one and only life on planet earth in that situation, if financially it were feasible to split. It's like having another child, not a partner. You are still fairly young and have time for another chapter or two or three in your life.

Sounds a bit like my DH he is 54. He either sleeps, watches TV, goes to work or on his phone to work colleagues. We were on holiday last week and he spent time messaging his colleagues. I let it wash over me, but it is hard work

I know people in their 80's who shop online, email, use WhatsApp, and do their banking online. His age has nothing to do with it. I'm older than him and look at me on MN! He can use technology, he just doesn't want it because you'll do it for him. He'd drive me mad OP.

Sounds like her may have undiagnosed learning disability and low iq

Honestly, I could have written this! My DH is just the same, unfortunately I have let time go by and now that he is in his early 70’s ( I’m 10 years younger), I feel that it would be unfair to leave him to manage. I wish that I had done it 2 decades ago though, and OP, perhaps you ought to give it serious consideration. Our children are now married and away and I’m left with one who has never really grown up instead of a husband who shares things equally with me. It’s always been my responsibility to make any decision and it is becoming increasingly depressing. DC’s have very little respect for him as he has never put himself out to get involved in their lives

He sounds a lot like my brother. Not very intelligent. No common sense. Terrible comprehension skills. Works in a factory doing a repetitive manual job. Can use the washing machine, but only because it's the same setting every time. He wouldn't have a clue how to bank online. He knows how to email, but he can't spot a scam and thinks everything that comes through is real therefore he must respond to it. He misses the point a lot. Doesn't always get jokes. When he makes a mistake, I explain the mistake, he says he understands, then does it again. He just doesn't process things properly.

He was diagnosed with having a moderate learning disability. I think there are a lot of people like him. Quite low intelligence, but just about getting by, having a simple life. Often because someone else picks up the slack.

Having read all of your replies… honestly the burden of it would make me feel resentful and I would want to leave. It’s more like a parent/child relationship dynamic. I’m sure he is a nice person, but do you want to spend the rest of your life propping someone else up and picking up the slack? You must be exhausted. I think you owe it to your kids to try to make it work and to communicate what you want and need but I wouldn’t hold out much hope.

I do feel bad for him, it's like the world just passed him by.
He grew up in poverty (no heating, no food, dad gambled and drank away any money they had. Mother passed away before he was 20.) When he was young and tech started moving on he couldn't afford it and I think just got left behind.
It would be a mammoth task for me to try and catch him up now.
I go through stages of thinking 'well I married him and had kids with him so I should just suck it up' and then other days I feel like my head will explode with frustration!
Financially we would be a lot worse off without 2 incomes, we both earn a fairly equal amount and everything we have we worked for together.

My Dad is 75 and learned to use the internet when he retired, his job for 50 years was as a welder/fabricator, no office-type work in his entire life. He now emails, uses Facebook, internet banking, shops for vintage car parts online/ebay, sends me links to nonsense YouTube videos with dubious political views and all that. Your husband just doesn't want to learn this. My husband asks me to order things online, feigning ignorance of how to do it. He manages absolutely fine when it's something to do with fishing though! It's just laziness. My husband is also going deaf and definitely pretends not to hear things. I've counted the number of times I have told him our son has a sporting event on Saturday that he needs to go to (I'm marshalling at it so can't supervise my son too) - I told him 7 times. He asked me today are we doing anything on Saturday? Aarrgh. Guaranteed, if it was something he was interested in, he'd have all the finer details memorised. You should see him organise the annual 'lads' fishing weekend, he's got a spreadsheet and everything. These lazy people are ridiculous!

I would leave, on the basis of what you have said. You have done the work of bringing up children together. But now you have the choice between focusing on your own future or spending the next however many years looking after somebody who seems unwilling/unable to change.

You can leave somebody even if they're not a bastard.

Well I have to confess I'm also in my mid-fifties and have noticed I've started having a harder time learning new things, have a harder time taking in conversation, etc. Apparently this is a thing that happens as we age. However, it's documented that hearing loss has negative effects on cognition, and that hearing aids help slow that cognitive decline. I think it's a reasonable extrapolation that, just like muscle loss, the more you slow the decline, the better you'll do in the long run. So I would push the hearing aids. If you are going to threaten to split up, that might be the place to use that leverage because it will likely benefit him in a material way.

It's also known that people who start with high intelligence and high capabilities in other intellectual areas, and who have mentally interesting jobs, have slower mental decline and are functional (mentally) for longer. I believe the term for this is "cognitive reserve."

So if you have always been the one with the job that required more mental capacity and his job has been manual, then this current situation is probably somewhat expected.

However, that does not mean you should have to jump to his tune and be exhausted all the time.

I would also say that leaving the hob on and almost burning down the house by setting a tea towel alight, is not something that you can live with. You are not his mother so I would ask him what he plans to do to ensure his behavior is not unsafe in this area.

Him always getting his way, and you having to run around getting exhausted trying to do everything yourself, is not workable. So I think you can state that you cannot continue like this and he needs to be willing to change some things.

Being lazy is 100% a reason to leave someone. Why would anyone think its ok that one person in the house does twice, three times as much work.?
OP, yes life would be a lot easier if it were just you and the kids but I get why it wouldn't be your first choice. Thing is, at 55 this is it. He won't change and tbf you have enabled and tolerated it for so long, why would he? I think you are just going to work on your zen and get on with it. You can try get him onboard but I wouldn't waste the energy.