If this was your husband.....

[GloriousHeffy]

We have been together almost 20 years. 2 amazing children in their teens, nice enough home and lifestyle (not mn high earners by any stretch of the imagination but comfortable enough).
Would the following be enough to make you want to leave or am I having a mid life crisis:

• His main focus is either the TV or his phone. When I say focus, the kids or myself can start talking to him and it's like we are not there! Totally blanks us, I have to repeatedly say his name to get his attention. *He has been told he is slightly deaf by the person doing his hearing test at work. I believe this has worsened (see above!) but he says not and refuses to have another hearing test.
• Epically forgetful, absolutely nothing would get done if I wasn't the driving force behind it. He forgets simple things that are done at the same time every day.....if I get mad/frustrated he whines that I am always having a go at him! Nothing is ever is fault....always tries to argue why it cannot be his fault. It is his fault and he should be more responsible as far as I am concerned. *Believes everything he reads online, I often have to have a quick Google to disprove the article he read.....then he says he didn't believe it anyway , he was just reading the headline. *Doesn't recognise scam emails. *Cannot use most technology. Obviously he has good points, when we argue he always says he was good enough for me to marry him so what's my problem now! My problem is I am exhausted with it all, I work full time and oversee EVERYTHING at home as I cannot trust him with even basic things (he leaves the hob turned on after using the oven for example, he nearly set the tea towel on fire the other day!) I have health conditions of my own to Deal with and I am wondering if it would all just be easier by myself with the kids. Sorry that was epically long!

Oh and bythe way, my maternal grandparents grew up really poor. They both embraced technology as a pp father did. He doesn't learn because he doesn't have to. Manages with his phone doesn't he?

OP I grew up in poverty, that has got nothing to do with the way he is. The people in their 80's I know who do lots of things online didn't start using the internet until a few years ago and they got the hang of it. If he can go on fb he is capable.

He is motivated to learn enough so he can watch memes on fb, but not motivated enough to help you out with ANYTHING to easen your burden. That’s what it boils down to. See it for what it is op. And tell him.

I would not be able to live like you do OP.

I think I would start the separation process and see how he reacts to it. If he decides to get his hearing tested and to put his phone down to interact with family, then I would re-consider. If not, I would go through with it.

Life's too short.

I would find this very frustrating too. I know someone like this but they spent their lives working in a factory, paid for everything in cash and had no need for a computer, technology has passed them by.
It might help if you divide the household tasks using the 'horses for courses' approach, in your case - involving tech or non tech but he'll have to take responsibility for his tasks. He can do the gardening, washing up, cleaning, laundry etc. He definitely needs to step up but within his range of abilities.
By the way, give over with the ageist crap - not you OP.

I am a bit confused as to why you married him if he has always been a bit slow/stupid, or why it wasn't a problem then but it is now? If you are mid forties I would think it's your declining oestrogen levels - out of the window with all the 'caring' stuff. But you say you are not peri, so younger?

If he has always been this way it does seem a bit unfair to suddenly find it a problem. But life really is unfair, and you only get one go at it. If you want to leave, then that's up to you, you don't need it to be a 'good enough ' reason for anyone but you.

I have divided household tasks as best I can, he does laundry and mowing the lawn for example.
It isn't so much those things that frustrate me.
I can tell him something 4 or 5 times and he will still forget it is happening.
We are going on holiday in August, he could tell you what month we are going but wouldn't be able to tell you the date we go.
He watches (in my opinion) mindless drivel on TV, really cheesy cop programmes or space programmes but he is utterly transfixed!
I married him because he was everything I was brought up to believe a good husband should be, loyal, dependable, hard worker etc. It just didn't occur to me this would be the outcome (not sure what I envisaged to be honest!)

Sounds like dyslexia with mild learning problems and he is stubborn and stuck in his ways. He is refusing to learn technology because learning is hard for him - but not impossible. He probably has had issues with learning new things in school and in his early life and was frustrated by it.
Unfortunately I have no advice - I don't know if you can force him to become more competent with everyday tasks such as online banking etc. He has to want to improve himself.
Or you have to issue an ultimatum but then you have to be prepared to follow it through.
I am sorry, I feel for you.

Just a thought, my son is very similar. He is currently going through screening for ADHD/ADD and has been particularly poor with his auditory memory. Can't cope with more than 2 simple instructions, have to say his name very clear to get his attention, make eye contact and give short simple instruction, with lots of prompts/ reminders. He is extremely forgetful which again is a common trait.
Also being tested for dyslexia as they can go hand in hand a lot of the time.

It just sounded very similar to your description and I fully appreciate a child and adult are very different but testing/understanding were very different back then.

It can be very frustrating with a child so can imagine it's even harder with an adult partner but it might not necessarily on purpose especially if he has always been this way.

My dad was similar re technology. My mum got him an iPad as a surprise at age 78. He’s not great but at age 86 does a fair bit of banking on it, a little email, Facebook etc, puts on his meter readings for energy companies. We finally talked him into a iPhone a couple of months ago and he’s getting on well with it.

It could be anything really. I wondered about fetal alcohol syndrome as his mum drinks. It's hugely common and under diagnosed or misdiagnosed as adhd/autism sometimes.

But all those are lifelong conditions. So when you married, it didn't bother you that he had cognitive difficulties, memory problems, issues with attention span. I would imagine he is still loyal and hardworking, the qualities that drew you to him.

I grew up in poverty, with no Internet access, partly because my parents were also tin hat conspiracy theorists. I had a lot to catch up on once I got to uni and everything needed to be uploaded online. I now work online. It's not an excuse to not learn new things.

Has he got learning difficulties (that you can find support strategies for) or does he have strategic incompetence so you do all the work?

He doesn't have any diagnosed learning difficulties but he grew up in the 70's with dysfunctional parents so something like that wouldn't even have registered as a priority.
He was told from an early age that he was thick😕
Now people are saying he has a low IQ, possible learning difficulties, adhd etc it makes me feel like I've been kicked in the stomach and I want to defend him. It is living with him that is the tricky part.

I don't think the things you are describing make somebody a bad person. I simply think that once children get older/independent, the question arises 'Do I now want to spend the rest of my life with this person?' Often it's the women who adapt and change. It seems to be harder for men. Which does, sadly, mean that people grow apart.

But I do think that looking after someone - for years and years - who you do not entirely respect, would be very difficult. People live well on into their eighties, even their nineties. How do you see yourself coping?

People aren't insulting him by saying he has low IQ or learning difficulties. Quite the opposite actually. It's a possible explanation, not a criticism. If that is not something people have experience of, they often have an idea in their heads of what LD looks like. They think it would be really obvious see. But it isn't always. It is something worth exploring for yourself because it might make it easier to accept him for who he is and understand what is and isn't intentional. It doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship you are not happy with, though.

Before you make any rash decisions,you should get him tested for Dementia.Then if he is clear I would make sure you are ok within your SELF too.Some of the things you are complaining about,sound like I was when I started the menopause and I didn't even know.Everything about my DH annoyed me,and I ended up with walk away wife syndrome,please try and check your hormones,it may help

Might be time for early tests?

OP tell me he's amazing in bed?!

I had these with the practice nurse and they are really a test of short term memory, focus and concentration. If OP's husband has never really had skills in that department, or the will to put the effort in, then he's unlikely to 'pass' them. But it wouldn't be dementia. It'd be ... him.

(I had to memorise a name and address, then go through a shopping list with the nurse, remember five items, then go back and tell her the original name and address.) (I had menopausal brain fog.)

Does he drive the teens around and do gardening and stuff that might be useful?
Could you just let rip when the kids are not there saying your hearing needs testing and l am concerned you are getting dementia. Say something about you are worried he will need to go into a nursing home if he is too unsafe on his own..eg with stuff catching fire. Frighten him!!
If he has dyslexia he may have some ADD which could be adding to his problems.
My dh can be scattered and a bit unreliable about stuff like that but well able to keep up with Internet etc. My biggest issue would be just having someone to chat to..go out to lunch with..go on holidays etc..company. l don't really mind..usually..picking up the stuff he can't manage. Saying that he is a very hard worker on tasks outside and takes responsibility for all maintenance etc.

This, it does not sound like dementia from what you describe. People who have learning disabilities can vary in thr severity and some people have it mild. It might be worth him seeing his go for a referral to the ld team just to be assessed as it might explain why he behaves like he does and I would question his mental capacity around certain decisions as it seems he cannot keep himself safe or understand risks. This is sad very kindly and not to cause upset.

@BonesAndStones (I had to memorise a name and address, then go through a shopping list with the nurse, remember five items, then go back and tell her the original name and address.) (I had menopausal brain fog
He wouldn't stand a chance! Like I say, his memory is atrocious, I can't decide if he has always been this bad and I didn't notice so much when the kids were little or if he's got worse!
@junebirthdaygirl he doesn't drive due to other medical issues.....so thats all on me too.

Sounds very much like my husband the frustration is getting worse for me too. I tell him regularly that I am not his mother. My husband is the same with regards to the phone and the TV. Isn't very technically minded and can't compose an email. He's not hard of hearing (he can hear me, he chooses to ignore me). I do pretty much everything in the home as well as holding down a full time job myself.
I think I've allowed him to behave in this way for too long. I live my own life now and look after me. I am menopausal and have my own health issues to manage.
Occasionally I say "what's for dinner?" in an effort to him to think "maybe I should cook tonight" but he will suggest a take away 🤦🏻‍♀️
His shouting is on another level and like your husband, says I have a go at him all the time.
There's no intimacy between us anymore because his temper is a barrier to that. I just walk away, go to another room or go for a walk / drive.
I have the highest level of empathy for you. I hope you make the right choice for you and your children.

Thank you @PrettyButterflies. It sounds awful for you and I suppose we will both have to live with our decision no matter what it may be.
I am listening to everyone's comments and I have a lot to think about going forward.