Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long should I wait for husband to decide what he wants?

78 replies

PerpetualWaiting · 23/05/2023 01:32

Just that really. Things have been crap for a while now. He's completely shut off from me. Most of the time he's on his phone, even when he's looking after our DS4. He's been on the sofa for months now, and has just said he sleeps better there and can't tell me if or when he'll be returning to the marital bed. Whenever we've talked about the state of our marriage it always ends up with him having a go at me for my faults. Faults including but not limited to, depriving him of sex (whilst recovering from a recurrence of Ptsd), talking to him disrespectfully, being too emotional, and being unhappy (although not saying so, therefore not nagging or criticising) about his financial decisions. He has said he doesn't want to divorce for our son's sake, but now is not saying what he does want. I have given him space, been very careful about what I say, have told him I love him and want to make it work, and from him? Nothing. So how long do I give him to decide what he wants? I don't want him to feel as if I am rushing him, but this limbo is like purgatory.

OP posts:
Putdownthecake · 23/05/2023 01:58

You don't give him time. Sounds like an affair to me but even if it isn't, his actions speak volumes. Kick him out. Let's face it why would he want what's so easily accessible. He needs a wake up call and you deserve better

PerpetualWaiting · 23/05/2023 02:00

Putdownthecake · 23/05/2023 01:58

You don't give him time. Sounds like an affair to me but even if it isn't, his actions speak volumes. Kick him out. Let's face it why would he want what's so easily accessible. He needs a wake up call and you deserve better

What makes you think he's having an affair? He's in every night so I don't see how he can be.

OP posts:
Groutyonehereagain · 23/05/2023 02:02

Fuck that @PerpetualWaiting , take control and tell him what’s going to happen next. Don’t wait around for this gaslighting prick to upset you further, he’s not worth it. You’re worth more. 💐

PerpetualWaiting · 23/05/2023 02:06

I want to know I've done as much as I can to save our family. I think he's going through a bit of a mid life crisis. Life has the potential to be great, if not for the time he takes thinking things over.

OP posts:
greenspaces4peace · 23/05/2023 02:10

He’s the one that’s checked out.
most likely it has little to do with you and more to do with the daily drag of family life.

airmaxJ · 23/05/2023 02:10

I don't know but I think you should set a limit in how many months you can put up with this , I understand why your not going to give up . Just take care of your heart as it doesn't seem like he is xx

Groutyonehereagain · 23/05/2023 02:15

PerpetualWaiting · 23/05/2023 02:06

I want to know I've done as much as I can to save our family. I think he's going through a bit of a mid life crisis. Life has the potential to be great, if not for the time he takes thinking things over.

You’re being far too understanding @PerpetualWaiting . What’s he doing to save your family life? A big fat zero, that’s what. It takes two to make things work. He needs a bloody good shake, stop indulging him. Either he sorts himself out or he can fuck off. Give him an ultimatum.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 23/05/2023 02:17

What do YOU want?

MintJulia · 23/05/2023 02:23

Putdownthecake · 23/05/2023 01:58

You don't give him time. Sounds like an affair to me but even if it isn't, his actions speak volumes. Kick him out. Let's face it why would he want what's so easily accessible. He needs a wake up call and you deserve better

This. It screams affair to me too.

Pinkbonbon · 23/05/2023 02:51

Some people are just cunts irregardless of whether or not they're having an affair.

But... I wouldn't be surprised if you found he was on a dating site doing some looking around tbf.

Either way, he's an emotionally abusive miserable bastard. And ge already knows what he wants - its for you to be stuck forever worrying about what he wants.

Weatherwax13 · 23/05/2023 02:53

The atmosphere in your home must be appalling OP. You don't owe him any more time. He's the one damaging the family, not you. Tell him to leave. You and DC don't deserve to be walking on eggshells while he manipulates you into thinking your unhappy marriage is all your fault.

SunflowerTed · 23/05/2023 04:01

Men tend to check out when there is someone waiting in the wings! The signs are there -don’t ignore them!

DucksNewburyport · 23/05/2023 04:04

Sounds like you've given him too long already OP. Take back control. End it.

someoneisalwaysintheloo · 23/05/2023 04:09

If there's any chance of saving your marriage tell him to leave.

Shoxfordian · 23/05/2023 06:31

What do you want op, never mind what he wants- he’s making it clear that he’s checked out of your marriage and family life

lalalalalalaleeee · 23/05/2023 06:34

Time to put a rocket up his arse.... tell him you are done. That you want him out. That it's finished
Maybe the ultimatum will be enough to spur him into some serious thought about what he wants

standardduck · 23/05/2023 06:43

I don't want to sound harsh, but your marriage is over. He's checked out.

He is not making any effort to work on your relationship. You can't fix it on your own and he doesn't want to.

Yahyahs22 · 23/05/2023 06:45

I have JUST been through what you're going though, even down to the reasons it's all my fault, I honestly could've written this myself. And I'm sorry to say yesterday morning I found out he was messaging other girls. I think he was waiting for me to be done for him to actually meet other women. He's at his friend's house now so I have no doubt that's his plans.
It won't ever change. I tried so so hard giving up any bit of strength I have for him. Take control now, leave him. He'll only do it eventually

Londontoderby · 23/05/2023 06:47

The script is coming and it’s heading your way! Start guarding your heart and don’t do the pick me dance

MsMandy · 23/05/2023 06:50

He doesn't get to treat you like this. He needs to state his intentions or get out. You won't save your family by giving him even more time. I also agree that this has cheating written all over it, probably "just " messaging for now.
Life is way too short for this.

Dery · 23/05/2023 06:52

“The atmosphere in your home must be appalling OP. You don't owe him any more time. He's the one damaging the family, not you. Tell him to leave. You and DC don't deserve to be walking on eggshells while he manipulates you into thinking your unhappy marriage is all your fault.”

This. I’m guessing he doesn’t like the reality of life with small children and he’s looking for an out. He neglects you and your child then blames you for being emotional and unhappy. If he’s been on the sofa for months, then he’s already had long enough. He’s way too willing to treat you like shit. Let him go.

Codlingmoths · 23/05/2023 06:53

You can still be open to giving him a chance and tell him to pack his bags and find somewhere else to stay while he’s thinking if you and ds are worth it, becasue you know you are. He can come over and do tea bath and bed after work a couple of nights a week (he brings the food/meal)

Missjkay · 23/05/2023 06:53

Suggest marriage counselling. If he says no you have your answer.

GracePalmer33 · 23/05/2023 06:57

Dead relationships like this can be turned around but it takes a large amount of work from both people. Spending quality time together, communicating tonnes, discussing all the issues and how to fix them together, ,couples therapy (if you can afford), attempting some form of intimacy with respect and kindness, a major effort to shift mentality and look for the things you LIKE about your partner and not the things you don't.. sorting out personal problems if that is contributing to the situation such as depression or medical issues. Starting small but regular and consistent. Showing intimacy could just be eye contact, a genuine smile or touching their shoulder - after months of no physical contact.

Fixing it is not sleeping on the sofa for months and refusing to talk about it. One person can't fix it on their own, in fact when one person in the relationship has checked out, if the other started doing all of the things listed above to try and fix things it would probably just make it worse. Both partners need to be actively engaged.

It's ultimatum time. He doesn't want to break up for the sake of your son??? Well you don't want to live this way, so he doesn't just get to decide that he is staying married to you.

Buildingthefuture · 23/05/2023 07:02

Not one minute more op. Tell him you are booking couples counselling for you both and if he refuses to attend, tell him to leave. Marriage is about 2 people and this shit show isn’t what you promised each other. He either wants to do the work to improve things (and that IS possible) or he doesn’t. But you can’t put your life on hold whilst he navel gazes and wallows in whatever is going on in his head. Good luck x

Swipe left for the next trending thread