How long should I wait for husband to decide what he wants?

[PerpetualWaiting]

Just that really. Things have been crap for a while now. He's completely shut off from me. Most of the time he's on his phone, even when he's looking after our DS4. He's been on the sofa for months now, and has just said he sleeps better there and can't tell me if or when he'll be returning to the marital bed. Whenever we've talked about the state of our marriage it always ends up with him having a go at me for my faults. Faults including but not limited to, depriving him of sex (whilst recovering from a recurrence of Ptsd), talking to him disrespectfully, being too emotional, and being unhappy (although not saying so, therefore not nagging or criticising) about his financial decisions. He has said he doesn't want to divorce for our son's sake, but now is not saying what he does want. I have given him space, been very careful about what I say, have told him I love him and want to make it work, and from him? Nothing. So how long do I give him to decide what he wants? I don't want him to feel as if I am rushing him, but this limbo is like purgatory.

I think he's waiting for you to kick him out so you become the bad guy for breaking the family up. But I agree that he's probably looking elsewhere. You either wait in the wings for things to blow up and end it then, or force the issue now.

FWIW, I found out my DH was cheating a few weeks ago and he has moved out and we are separating. It was something casual and he doesn't seem interested in having a relationship with anyone else, his MH is shit but there wasn't anything particularly wrong with our marriage. Despite it being fucking awful, I would still far rather be where I am with DC (nearly 3) than in the environment you are describing. It sounds awful, OP. I'm impressed you've kept going this long after he has withdrawn like this, he sounds like a bastard.

Errrm you’re still waiting for… what exactly? You want to be with someone that treats you that way? FFS get a grip, take control, and tell him to move out. You need to do better for your DS, even if you can’t see that it’s for you.

I had exactly this 15 years ago. I was told on here, repeatedly, to stop letting him decide the timeline and as sunshine said, he was doing it so I'd be the one to end it and he'd be the sad, hard done by one who had stayed and tried.
Everyone on here was completely correct. It limped on for a year, with me desperately trying to be 'better' even though I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Very messy, he was vile, I uncovered all sorts. Wish, wish, wish I'd done it sooner, but like you said, I needed to know I'd done everything I could. It fucking broke me in the end, living like that and after a period of him playing victim, he skipped away very happily.

Yes, ignore him ( as much as you can, I mean ignore his issues) and start planning your future without him - workwise, homewise, hobbies, friends, fun with DS, interests for DS.
You have one life don't live it fretting.

He seems to be punishing you for something. Your question is how long to wait. You've waited long enough. Time for you to tell him to shit or get off the pot. Take control of your life. His behaviour is emotionally abusive. Why do you want that in your life and that of your child's?

Take control, get those 'ducks in a row'. Work out what your finances would look like, go and see a solicitor to get some initial thoughts.

Then tell him it's time to get sorted. Give him 2 options - marriage counsellor or divorce solicitor... shee what he says to that. He'll likely panic as he wants his cake and to eat it! I can't stand men who do this to their families. What effect goes he think he's having on the kid... because believe me that kid is feeling it!

He's obviously become very adept at living this detached lifestyle. Who knows how long the status quo can continue. It ultimately comes down to how long your prepared to put up with it. My ex could go 3/6 months without speaking to or just being shitty and off hand to me. It's no life living like it. Give him an ultimatum or time frame in which things have to change. A time when he needs to talk or get help, either way you must be assertive now and take back some control.

Why are you putting up with this OP?

Life with a small child is hard work.

It doesn't allow one lazy fuck to lie on the couch on their phone.

Imagine if you both did that.

Honestly I would allow one day of mooing before I hit the roof.

Fine he is pissed off with you, but he makes your son suffer by checking out. That's totally on him.

It's summer.
Leave him on the couch.
Go to the park, have ice cream, play in the garden

Honestly you need to tell him to be gone before the weekend.

As most people have said, he's 'checked out' he's blaming you so he can leave without feeling guilty.

He can't 'stay for DS' & ruin your life. Besides that's not why he's staying.

No chikd deserves to grow up in this dysfunctional situation. DS is 4, he will be upset, but it will be better for him in the long run.

you have 'tried' but you cannot 'fix' a marriage with one person trying & the other 'checked out'

you deserve much better that this limbo

get him gone. Give your lounge a make over (even if it's just moving the furniture around. Putting up a print you like and some new cushion covers. It'll make you feel a whole lot better.

I tied myself in knots trying to make my exhusband love me / notice I was alive/ want to spend time with me. He had already checked out. The more I tried the more he pulled away.It turned out he was having an affair with a 17 year old from work ( he was 32). He eventually left me and our 2 children ( aged 3 and 2) . Just for good measure he told me that he had found me physically repulsive for years and that sex with me made his flesh crawl. Don't hang about waiting for crumbs Op. Decide what you want and start the process. My second marriage is very happy. I wasted years trying to save my first.

He's too cowardly to end it so is pushing you to do it so he doesn't have to be the bad guy

I'd start being very open with friends and family about the state of your marriage and that he has checked out of it. Take away that power

And whatever others may or may not think is no reason to stay. This isn't good for a child, it's more detrimental than just leaving him

This will be awful for you and your child living like this. You need two people committed and communicating to save a marriage he is isn’t.
He is emotionally abusing you and you are letting him. Bring it out in the open. Tell relatives and friends your marriage is failing. Tell him it’s finished if he isn’t going to start working on the marriage. I would assume he is having an affair or emotional affair somewhere else or he just doesn’t want to be married and is trying to force you to end it so he will play a victim.
Take that power away from him. Tell everyone what he’s is doing and you have had enough.

So you think he can ignore you, criticise you, completely check out of family life, but somehow you're responsible for making it right?!

He created this problem. Whether it's caused by an affair, a mid-life crisis, a MH issue, or if he's just not a good person, it isn't your problem to solve. You can't solve it. Only he can, and he's making no effort at all to do so. In fact he's told you he's there for your child.

So your choices are:

-stay with a man who doesn't love you or respect you, and be unhappy, showing your child a poor example of a relationship

-leave him, be happier

WHat he wants is irrelevant.

He talks a good talk, but I'm coming to realise that he's just stringing me along, probably until he's lined up someone else.

He wants out but he wants you to look like the bad guy when you lose patience with his behaviour.

Sort your ducks, and see the back of him.

Does he really talk a good talk though? Because from here it looks like he just says everything is your fault and avoids you on the sofa.

Talking a good talk would be acknowledging his own faults, apologising for them, suggesting ways he could step up. Suggesting ways you could meet in the middle regarding certain things. Seeing his gp regarding depression. And considering couples therapy.

While you're getting your courage up ignore him completely.
No feeding him, shopping for him, errands or favors , cleaning or doing laundry for him. He should still be doing his share of child minding And housekeeping. Make him feel like the useless, place taking, pile of shit he is.

Oh my gosh you could be me! I just want to send you love, I just don't know the answer to this tbh but I'm in the same sort of position and I think I need time to decide the best way forward and not to jump into a decision, I think I need to clear my head and make plans so I'm not rushing myself and maybe you need to give yourself time to process and herd your ducks into some kind of row like I do?

Not to hijack your thread, but for solidarity- married 30 years, I'm 59, very happy until things began to unravel 3 years ago, he's been withdrawing but blames me, I've struggled with MH and suicide plans twice. I stopped trusting him after coming across receipts saying he wasn't where he said he was, then other suspicious receipts (accidently found) I then discovered when he was away on business he wasn't at all but in a hotel not far from home. This of course became because he didn't want to come home because of this and that that I was doing or not doing, which I now see was gaslighting. He's rarely home, rarely talks to me etc, he earns way more and I can't manage on my salary, DD grown and left home, DS studying and living at home. I've this week taken off my wedding ring which has left me feeling untethered, I've arranged to see a solicitor on my week off soon, I'm taking it slowly and trying to take some control over my life and my future without him, perhaps you would feel clearer and stronger if you did this too? Thinking of you, sorry for long post x

What about what you want? You don't sound happy and neither does he. Its good to try and make it work especially if there's kids but you also have to be happy at some point otherwise that isn't great for kids either, my folks waited way too long to get divorced seeing them unhappy was awful for me and my sister.

If someone has to take months of pondering to decide whether or not they want to be with you, they do not want to be with you.

Don't sit waiting for some crumbs.

Certainly not from some spineless sofa limpet with zero insight and a toddler's grasp of right and wrong.

Do not wait one minute more. Take control, get legal advice and give him his marching orders.

It sounds like he disengaged some time ago.

I'm sorry.

He’s checked out, now kick him out.

You are so right. It shouldn't be something he has to think about. I'm too long in the tooth to waste my life trying to make someone like me when there are plenty of people out there that DO like me

Take back control and tell him to leave Consider what you want
He's detached and has made no effort to change. He's no partner in your team and this will damage your DC more if the stayed