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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How long should I wait for husband to decide what he wants?

78 replies

PerpetualWaiting · 23/05/2023 01:32

Just that really. Things have been crap for a while now. He's completely shut off from me. Most of the time he's on his phone, even when he's looking after our DS4. He's been on the sofa for months now, and has just said he sleeps better there and can't tell me if or when he'll be returning to the marital bed. Whenever we've talked about the state of our marriage it always ends up with him having a go at me for my faults. Faults including but not limited to, depriving him of sex (whilst recovering from a recurrence of Ptsd), talking to him disrespectfully, being too emotional, and being unhappy (although not saying so, therefore not nagging or criticising) about his financial decisions. He has said he doesn't want to divorce for our son's sake, but now is not saying what he does want. I have given him space, been very careful about what I say, have told him I love him and want to make it work, and from him? Nothing. So how long do I give him to decide what he wants? I don't want him to feel as if I am rushing him, but this limbo is like purgatory.

OP posts:
RememberNancyDrew · 23/05/2023 15:40

Sounds like he has already broken up with you and now he is just trying to figure out how to actually leave without any guilt.

Gettingbysomehow · 23/05/2023 15:45

Well surely he's not getting any sex now languishing on the sofa.
I'd leave him to sulk for infinity and do zilch running around trying to work out what his problem is but then I have zero time for this kind of behaviour from anyone.
He wants you to jump through hoops. Don't do it.

Wombastic · 23/05/2023 15:49

Oh just ignore the drama and go about your life.

frazzledasarock · 23/05/2023 15:50

He’s got someone else, being attached to his phone and preferring to sleep on the sofa sounds suspicious.

find yourself a good solicitor.

find your anger.

work out how to get out of this soulless marriage with the least disruption to you and your dc.

Beaverbridge · 23/05/2023 21:41

You decide what's happening. He's hedging his bets till someone/something better comes along.

letthatmango · 24/05/2023 06:54

Another one saying affair. His behaviour screams it. Sadly affairs can be entirely conducted within work time especially if both people are in relationships but that is neither here nor there.

This is ridiculous. You don’t deserve to be treated like this. He chose to be married and committed to you he doesn’t get to check in and out, sleep on sofas and deride and belittle you.

Tell him you’ve had enough and he needs to go. Get your ducks in a row, it’ll be hard and I know your heart will be broken but it really is short term pain for long term gain.

You deserve better than this! Your family unit deserves better than this.

OssieShowman · 24/05/2023 12:00

He could be playing the waiting game, until you finally kick him out.
he is likely to re write history, making him look like the good guy.

WheelsUp · 24/05/2023 12:08

My h behaved like this when he was having an affair. There is something that he's not telling you and it drove me fucking mad. Finding out he was shagging someone was such a relief after months of gaslighting that it was all me. Classic cheater behaviour to act like their spouse is awful (he is trying to give himself permission to cheat£
Best case scenario (if you can call this that) is he's not having an affair but would like to have one with someone he knows. He wants to leave but scared of the people in his life like parents knowing.

I suspect that if you instigate divorce then he will be super relieved as he can pretend that he's still the good guy who was a loving husband

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/05/2023 12:30

Groutyonehereagain · 23/05/2023 02:02

Fuck that @PerpetualWaiting , take control and tell him what’s going to happen next. Don’t wait around for this gaslighting prick to upset you further, he’s not worth it. You’re worth more. 💐

This with bell on!

meandtheboy · 24/05/2023 12:37

This is what my grandmother would have called "shit or get off the pot" time...ask him if he'll do couple-counselling to put things back together (assuming there's been no abuse...other than his current behaviour), and if he won't commit to that pdq, then solicitors is the next option.

Absolutely fuck sitting around waiting for him to deign to make a decision, thoughtless, arrogant dickhead that he is...whatever the reason for whatever he's doing, you do what you need to do, and it's not more waiting...

Tim2983 · 25/05/2023 00:32

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Boomshock · 25/05/2023 02:54

@Tim2983
No they don't. Some men will actually support their wives if they suffer from PTSD or go through traumatic times.

You're speaking for yourself and men like you, but they're not ALL like that.

He also doesn't seem to be arsed with his 4 year old, I wonder what the child did wrong that made this poor man act like that?

frazzledasarock · 25/05/2023 02:58

Why should op join the church of Scientology OP Tim?

she needs to go see a solicitor and get rid of the abusive gas lighting arsehole.

Ihaveoflate · 25/05/2023 10:48

Men are like chimps swinging through the trees: they don't let go of one branch before getting their hands on the next.

He's either found his next branch (OW) already and is just waiting to swing, or he's actively looking. The Script has already begun.

Find your anger, call his bluff and ask him to leave. Read up on the 180. Even if you do want to save your marriage, the best thing you can do is be prepared to let it go.

I know none of this is easy (my DH cheated), but you really can't control anyone else's behaviour, only your reaction to it.

PerpetualWaiting · 25/05/2023 11:51

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1

I've just read this. Am completely gobsmacked. Is this kind of behaviour just baked into men, or do some of them actually deliberately follow the Script?
Can literally see my husband in most of this and am very freaked out. Going away for work in 2 days so may have a chance to get my head around this.

Midlife crisis: this is the script! | Mumsnet

This is from the midlife forum! As my H followed this almost word for word, I thought you might find a chuckle of recognition, too. PS Women can also...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script?page=1

OP posts:
PerpetualWaiting · 07/06/2023 08:56

So he's made his mind up. After weeks of insisting he wanted to work on our marriage whilst simultaneously being vile and raging at me over insignificant trivialities, he's said he will be moving away. Tbh the relief feels good. At least I can plan for the future now. Wtf was it so hard to say that's what he wanted? I do suspect an OW but she's welcome to him. I no longer care.

OP posts:
airmaxJ · 07/06/2023 09:17

Your better free now . I wasted 20 years on my ex . 2 years on I'm happy again. You will be too and glad of this . Hope your okay

PerpetualWaiting · 07/06/2023 09:26

airmaxJ · 07/06/2023 09:17

Your better free now . I wasted 20 years on my ex . 2 years on I'm happy again. You will be too and glad of this . Hope your okay

Thank you. I've just reread the Script and found that he's followed it to the letter. Do men get classes in it?!! The endless waiting has been hell, so much so that even if he got on his knees and begged I wouldn't take him back. I hope the OW whoever she is have enough strength to deal with his crap.

OP posts:
DucksNewburyport · 07/06/2023 10:40

Wishing you all the best OP Flowers

PerpetualWaiting · 07/06/2023 10:46

DucksNewburyport · 07/06/2023 10:40

Wishing you all the best OP Flowers

Thank you. It's thanks to all of you on here that I'm not crumbling in dust. A new life awaits!

OP posts:
Yahyahs22 · 07/06/2023 20:52

2 weeks ago I was in this exact same position. I'm already so much happier without him, and hes already starting to plant seeds about coming back. Never gonna happen. Stay strong, the light at the end of the tunnel is so bright!

ClawedButler · 08/06/2023 10:46

The fact that you feel relief rather than devastation is all you need to know.

Let him go and dither about elsewhere, who needs it.

This is YOUR time now. What do you fancy doing?

BishopRock · 08/06/2023 12:36

You don't wait.

What you do is decide what you want.

Say it's counselling, give him the opportunity to sort that together, and if he doesn't take it then prepare your next move.

You don't just sit around waiting for him to rejoin family and married life.

BishopRock · 08/06/2023 12:43

Sorry all, the one time I didn't read the full thread!

Have a good life, OP!

Definitelynotme2022 · 08/06/2023 13:28

PerpetualWaiting · 07/06/2023 08:56

So he's made his mind up. After weeks of insisting he wanted to work on our marriage whilst simultaneously being vile and raging at me over insignificant trivialities, he's said he will be moving away. Tbh the relief feels good. At least I can plan for the future now. Wtf was it so hard to say that's what he wanted? I do suspect an OW but she's welcome to him. I no longer care.

I'm glad you're able to move forward, and the relief must feel immense!

I'm a bit behind you..... We've done the "we're seperating" but are now on the "we're trying again, one last time" phase.