How long should I wait for husband to decide what he wants?

[PerpetualWaiting]

Just that really. Things have been crap for a while now. He's completely shut off from me. Most of the time he's on his phone, even when he's looking after our DS4. He's been on the sofa for months now, and has just said he sleeps better there and can't tell me if or when he'll be returning to the marital bed. Whenever we've talked about the state of our marriage it always ends up with him having a go at me for my faults. Faults including but not limited to, depriving him of sex (whilst recovering from a recurrence of Ptsd), talking to him disrespectfully, being too emotional, and being unhappy (although not saying so, therefore not nagging or criticising) about his financial decisions. He has said he doesn't want to divorce for our son's sake, but now is not saying what he does want. I have given him space, been very careful about what I say, have told him I love him and want to make it work, and from him? Nothing. So how long do I give him to decide what he wants? I don't want him to feel as if I am rushing him, but this limbo is like purgatory.

Don’t know where to start…married coming 6 years together off and on over 10
marriage had cheating and physical abuse

we had an argument a few weeks back over the way he’s speaking to me like name calling for no reason says he depressed with me I try to do all I can to make him happy I don’t go out I don’t bother with friends he doesn’t like I don’t work because he says I don’t need to but he controls his money I pay as much as I can towards bills if not more than him he’s on a fantastic wage but I’m always struggling.. yes we go on holidays and yes he pays usually ends up in a row so dread the word holidays now as if I don’t drink the holiday is shit according to him if I don’t pick or plan places to go or organise the holiday while we r there it’s shit ..to the outside world looking in he’s good to me buys me flowers on Mother’s Day and my birthday.. but then says he s broke because of the flowers he bought me and then I would say well why would I leave ur self broke I appreciate them but don’t want to leave urself brok(knowing that he’s on £800 a week the he’s not) but letting him know I appreciate them but he doesn’t have to to be told he bought them to shut me up ..this is the case with everything
this man in the past has cheated on me and physically abused me and well we kept getting back and yes I can say the physical abuse stopped hi is drinking every weekend and being abusive stopped but now it’s the silent treatment or doing nothing with me or going nowhere because he’s booked a holiday that he wanted so we can’t afford to go or do anything up til then keep telling him not to book a holiday if he can’t afford it .. it just going round in circles I don’t know if I coming or going or putting this out right simple things like going for a walk no can’t be bothered will we go for a drive I get r u putting the fucking money in the petrol..so it’s just waiting on to be given the grocery money to get groceries he’s always behind and late with payments we share even though he gets in one week what I would get in 2 months due to being unwell..we have 3 of my kids and our son all of who r adults living with us our son just went to uni so just my older children my daughter works gives in to the house my sons all give in keep my eldest son has ma but my husband calls them lazy they do their own cooking and cleaning my husband complains about everything he does around the house makes tasks that we would have done together that was fun now w nightmare as he banging about and just generally doesn’t care about anything..says he’s depressed with me because we don’t communicate as when I speak I told I’m this that and the other or it’s turned into an argument so it like he speaks I answer like I’m at school again the toxic and anxiety and low self confidence has made me struggle with bulimia drinking in the house more than I should be because I’m lonely and he’s out working 60 hours a week even though he didn’t have to he takes all the overtime he can and I know it’s just to get out of the house and away from me ..he not close to me anymore I’m always asking him for some sort of affection but it’s ah my arms sore or I’m tired or just any excuse it will come near me and want me when he wants it and if I don’t give in he get angry and makes me feel bad I have closed up and don’t want him near me anymore as he makes me feel physically unloved no respect and the things that I am struggling with from the past I’m told to fuck up and get over it the past is the past.. yes the past is the past but I am struggling with it because of all the above that I’m going through because with the past of cheating and abuse and the now of walking on on eggshells with what to say or ask I’m sorry this is a long story I just don’t know where I’m coming or going anyway we had row he called me a tramp and a scumbag for me asking him to leave because of the way he’s speaking to me and making me feel Said he’s not leaving it’s his house Ty en eventually got his mother to come done to lift him and leave..that was two weeks ago I isn’t want onto leave I just wanted him to speak to me right and love me like a person he now says he doesn’t know what he wants wants to clear his head..but just found out through a friend he’s made a new facebook with ex girls on it and made a tik tok account and starting following my young daughter which creeped her should I just let him run on..he won’t tell me he wants me he won’t tell me he wants the marriage he says he’s not going to counselling as he doesn’t need to..I have found him in the past on dating apps on sites that he shouldn’t been looking at that upset me always says wasn’t him he never made them or don’t know how they got there it’s just mind fuck of mind fuckery over and over and turning everything to my fault so now the space thing..what do I do

You need to start your own thread, you won't get any replies by piggybacking on the back of someone else's thread from 2 years ago.

I'd say to him if he doesn't want to split for sake of DC then surely he must want DC to grow up in a secure, happy family which is not the current atmosphere. Ask him what he is prepared to change in order to improve things, e.g. family outings, dates for the two of you, mutual projects etc. If he has no energy for any of these, just start living how you want to live and he can work around it.

Focus on earning and saving as much money as you can, and sort out your pension. Clearing the house and maintaining it in case you need to sell, if you own it, or selling as many surplus belongings as possible, so if you need to move to a smaller rental place, you can. Building a strong, close, secure bond with DC, so if you split, it's clear you are a stable, reliable parent. And have fun with DC, with or without him, on days out etc. And fun with friends. Build up some solid light- hearted friendships to give you a boost during tough times.