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Original poster

Husband signed up to a hook-up site

94 replies

Ijustwantapeacefullife · 22/05/2023 21:41

We are together nearly 15 years, married for 8. We have two beautiful children, 3 and 1.
Since baby no.2 was born, my sex drive has been non-existent, and therefore we rarely have sex. The thought of it turns my stomach, I would rather get my teeth pulled.

I went to check something on his phone (in front of him) and long story short, discovered he'd signed up to one of these hook-up websites. He says he signed up while drunk, because he doesn't get any sex at home.

He said he hasn't met anyone and has deleted the app.

I don't know what to do and I need advice. Am I really to blame for this? Where do we even go from here...

OP posts:
Passmethpens · 22/05/2023 21:43

I’m really sorry but I’d class this as cheating. The intention was there

DustyLee123 · 22/05/2023 21:44

I’d start with an STI test.

ChangedForEmbarrassingQuestions · 22/05/2023 21:47

It’s not good as the other comments have said.

BUT if my significant other decided that sex with me turned their stomach and they had basically decided I was going to be celibate then my relationship would be on shaky ground.

SO how about counselling? An honest conversation with him?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 22/05/2023 21:49

It’s actually not that easy for men to get sex from hook up sites for what it’s worth op

i think you need to talk to him honestly about this
if you can forgive him that is …

but if he wants sex , you don’t - this problem isn’t going anywhere

I think you two really need to talk basically

RangleDrang · 22/05/2023 21:50

Id be very hurt if i was you... but a completely non-sexually intimate relationship wouldn't make me very happy either.
Have the two of you spoken about the lack of sex?
Im not saying hes right to go on these sites but saying you'd rather have your teeth pulled is a very extreme reaction to wanting to be with your partner!

TreesandFish · 22/05/2023 22:07

He clearly doesn't want to be in a sexless marriage so he's starting to prepare his way out. You need to talk and possibly split up before you end up renting each other. Sexless marriages are very sad unless that's what both partners want

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2023 22:11

What he did is inexcusable.

You expecting him to be just fine living in a sexless marriage is wholly unreasonable.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 22/05/2023 22:16

You both need to talk honestly and openly about this. It’s not going away and it signals a big underlying problem in your relationship. Is he a good husband in other ways? Or do you have to do everything?

I’m sorry this has happened to you OP 💐

acpk55 · 22/05/2023 22:31

You would rather have your teeth pulled than have sex with partner - sorry, it’s over.

determinedtomakethiswork · 22/05/2023 22:34

I would be very hurt in your position. However, I would be very hurt in his position if you were recoiling at the thought of sex.

Ihatepickingausername3 · 22/05/2023 22:57

but why would you prefer to have your teeth pulled rather than sex with your husband if you don’t mind me asking?

ToBeOrNotToBee · 22/05/2023 23:04

Truthfully it sounds like you both need to work on issues.

It's not OK to seek intimacy elsewhere, it's also not OK to expect someone to just cope living a celibate life.

I'm sorry this must feel like a gut punch, I hope it works out for you guys.

Zuyi · 23/05/2023 01:15

It's not over! You have two children. Things may change when they're older. You're probably touched out by them. Find other ways to connect with him. Sex isn't everything. And talk, of course.

Original poster
Ijustwantapeacefullife · 23/05/2023 01:46

Because I have no sex-drive whatsoever. It feels a bit like pressured to eat when you feel nauseous.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ijustwantapeacefullife · 23/05/2023 02:53

I don't think it's intimacy he's seeking. One of the messages he received was from a hetero couple looking for another man to have a threesome with. I feel sick just writing that.

OP posts:
WilkinsonM · 23/05/2023 03:08

Ijustwantapeacefullife · 23/05/2023 02:53

I don't think it's intimacy he's seeking. One of the messages he received was from a hetero couple looking for another man to have a threesome with. I feel sick just writing that.

He's seeking sex, not intimacy. Have you discussed your lack of sex drive with him? Do you anticipate it coming back? Do you want it to come back?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 23/05/2023 03:10

Ijustwantapeacefullife · 23/05/2023 01:46

Because I have no sex-drive whatsoever. It feels a bit like pressured to eat when you feel nauseous.

This isn’t really compatible long-term in marriage unless the other person is on the same page.

If it’s not just temporary baby tiredness, then I agree with PP you need both need to sit down and have a serious chat.

ChangedForEmbarrassingQuestions · 23/05/2023 09:03

Ijustwantapeacefullife · 23/05/2023 02:53

I don't think it's intimacy he's seeking. One of the messages he received was from a hetero couple looking for another man to have a threesome with. I feel sick just writing that.

For many people sex both IS and CREATES intimacy. He’s seeking physical human connection because his wife is repulsed by him.

GiltEdges · 23/05/2023 09:09

DustyLee123 · 22/05/2023 21:44

I’d start with an STI test.

Based on the nature of OPs issue, I don't think STIs are a particular risk here Confused

BlameGone · 23/05/2023 09:14

My “d”h said during an argument that I turned his stomach, I’ve never got over it, I’ve never felt the same about him again, I’ve no self confidence, if our relationship lasts. I don’t know.

you haven’t said “I’m just not feeling like sex”, I still love you though. You’ve said he turns your stomach, that’s bloody hurtful.

I haven’t sought sex elsewhere, but I do crave the chance of having sex with someone who hasn’t hurt me so badly. But I’ll end my relationship first.

THisbackwithavengeance · 23/05/2023 09:15

I'm sorry OP but what did you expect? You have checked out of the marriage, did you expect him to be OK with that?

My options:

  1. You agree to a marriage where he discreetly gets his sexual needs met elsewhere and you turn a blind eye. Something like swinging or a sex worker is probably the best option as it involves less emotional attachment as opposed to him meeting a random woman with whom he could potentially fall in love.
  1. Seek medical assistance or counselling for your lack of sex drive. And FWIW, your current lack of sex drive may only be temporary.
  1. Split up

I would suggest option 2 personally.

Billyoh · 23/05/2023 09:27

DustyLee123 · 22/05/2023 21:44

I’d start with an STI test.

Wouldn’t they need to be having sex for OP to catch an STI?

MMmomDD · 23/05/2023 09:36

OP - It’s perfectly fine and you’re right not to feel sexual or want sex. Happens to many women with small children. Your libido may or may not come back - it’s hard to say really.

Issue is - what do you expect him to do? Leave? Become celibate?
Have you even thought about him in this situation?

If you want to keep the family - while your libido is not there - you need to find a way where both of your needs are met. Your needs of NOT having sex. And his needs of having sex. There are not many ways of achieving it. Him ‘outsourcing’ it is one of the ways.

Channellingsophistication · 23/05/2023 09:48

It’s quite normal to lose your sex drive when you have small children and as you have a baby of 1, you might feel a bit touched out and probably more than a bit knackered. Having sex might just feel like another thing you’ve got to do….

He was wrong to go on a hook up site. Has he raised the subject with you? Have you talked about it? Do you think it is just a temporary loss of libido because you have a baby? Does he do his bit at home and with the children? Does he make an effort to take you out or spend time with you? These things affect libido as well.

You need to talk about it, because if you don’t he will just continue to go on hook up sites and then he won’t bother with you anymore and then maybe take it further…

Bluebells1970 · 23/05/2023 09:52

That's a line that once crossed can't be uncrossed. He had intent.

Let me guess, you're the one carrying 100% of the physical and mental load of raising small kids, yet he's sulking because you're too exhausted for sex. What a prince.