Husband signed up to a hook-up site

[Ijustwantapeacefullife]

We are together nearly 15 years, married for 8. We have two beautiful children, 3 and 1.
Since baby no.2 was born, my sex drive has been non-existent, and therefore we rarely have sex. The thought of it turns my stomach, I would rather get my teeth pulled.

I went to check something on his phone (in front of him) and long story short, discovered he'd signed up to one of these hook-up websites. He says he signed up while drunk, because he doesn't get any sex at home.

He said he hasn't met anyone and has deleted the app.

I don't know what to do and I need advice. Am I really to blame for this? Where do we even go from here...

@Channellingsophistication but she didn’t say she’s ‘a bit touched out’.

And @Bluebells1970 he’s not ‘sulking because you’re too exhausted for sex’.

This is what the OP said about the man she married and is sharing a life, home and family with:-

“The thought of it turns my stomach, I would rather get my teeth pulled.”

When anyone makes a massive change to their family life that involves other people without at least discussing it first then those people have the right to be slightly miffed about it.

Would you like it if your SO decided you were now celibate? Or now having sex every day? Or moving to another place? Or having a lodger? Or fostering a child? Or having astroturf in the back garden? Or would you appreciate a conversation, however difficult, so you could talk about their unhappiness and their reasons for wanting a change and possibly coming to a compromise, and increasing your understanding of each others point of view?

How disgusting. Honestly the number of men who think a temporary lack of sex means they can happily see prostitutes or hook up online.
Whatever happened to family men who would actually do anything for their families including being deprived of sex for a bit when a baby is little.
I would never be able to fancy him again knowing that he thinks like this.

Whats he going to do when you hit the menopause - run away by the sounds of it.

I don’t fancy my “D”H anymore, after him saying the same thing to me .

you need to be on the receiving end to understand how hurtful those words are.

What your husband did is deplorable.

I'm interested though, can you tell us what happened to make you go off sex so much? You must have enjoyed it at one time or another.

Was it a traumatic birth? Have you gone off your husband sexually? Is it the thought of any sex either anyone? Do you madturbate? Is he rubbish in bed? Is it that you're breastfeeding and your sex hormones are making you feel this way?

I'm so sorry for you and this situation. Seems like all communication has broken down between you both.

If this happened to me I'd be saying something like "darling I love you so much and my life is great! But I cannot find it in myself to want to have sex, I think I need to get some therapy/see my gp because I know this is hurting you and tbh it is hurting me, knowing that it used to be great. I prioritise our marriage and so let's get to the bottom of this together ok? I love you."

Are you in a place where you can do this? Maybe not now, but could you have, before you discovered he was being unfaithful?

And of course the irony is that when a woman starts a thread like you are saying, or says her husband doesn’t touch her or they don’t have any intimacy at his request, then the answers are ‘just leave him, life’s too short to be unhappy’, ‘he’s not a proper man’, ‘what a limp dick’, ‘he’s probably got ED’, and are generally very harsh towards the man.

But switch the man and woman and you get this. ‘He’s sex obsessed, just like all men are’.

Is what he did deplorable? Or just a stupid insensitive mistake

now clearly as a man he doesn’t understand what childbirth and parenting toddlers does to a woman’s libido, we know they don’t

but I’ve also done some wierd shit online when I’m horny , I hold my hands up

in my defence I’m single

and yes I’ve come across many a horny sex starved husband during my forays online

in don’t go there but they always too scared to meet up
just want the fantasy

I would get divorced. I'm sorry. You deserve better.

I did enjoy sex at one time. It's since the children came along that my libido has disappeared. Brad Pitt himself could offer himself to me and I still wouldn't be interested.

I am so grateful for the blunt honest truth in a lot of these answers. I should have gone to GP about this sooner. DH did warn me. He kept telling me that as a man he craves sex. I know this is all my fault. I want to fix it, but now I have created the issue of a lack of trust. Knowing that he signed up to this website while drunk...it will take a lot of trust rebuilding I suppose.

We have agreed to discuss this afternoon. I will suggest GP for me and maybe marriage counselling.

@Ijustwantapeacefullife This sounds like a step in the right direction.

But don’t focus on you needing to regain trust in him only, he needs to be able to trust you that you won’t abandon your husband too. It works both ways.

I am not at all saying what he did was fine and okay. But, you admit he did warn you and you are the one who changed what was presumably the ‘norm’ in your lives. But keep talking and being honest with each other, and I hope it all ends well.

Sounds like this is a bit of a wake up call OP.

One word of caution though: it's not "all your fault" as you put in your last post. He could have booked marriage or sex counselling for the two of you before he signed up to a hook up site. So don't shoulder all the blame, your baby is only 1 and whilst he has expressed his unhappiness at the situation it sounds like he did nothing about it beyond stepping towards the potential of cheating.

What your husband did isn't acceptable in the slightest and your trust for him has now been broken, however, I am married and have been for 13 years, 3 of those were sexless, from my husband not me (I'm female). It's very hard and a really horrible situation to be in. It made me not want to be with him and there were lots of rows over it. Your husband is looking for attention and intimacy which he isn't getting from you. You need to sit down and speak to him about this cos if you don't the situation isn't going to get better. You need to explain exactly how you feel and why you feel that way. Right now sex isn't on the table, but do you hug, sit together, kiss? Sex feels like to much right now and that is fine.
I'm not excusing your husbands behaviour as it's not ok, I just wanted you to no how he might be feeling.

At what point did he start to warn you? How young was your baby?

I don't know if I could get past this. It's one thing if you lost your libido and it never returned, but you lost it at a time in your life when losing your libido for a period is very very common, it was completely out of your control, I don't think a GP could do anything, but yet your DH kept warning you and then eventually decided he was entitled to seek sex elsewhere when your baby was only 1?

Nah.

Also what's the rest of the marriage like?
Did he share the load when it comes to parenting? Did you get any lie ins since the baby was born or a chance to catch up on sleep etc?

He could well have thought this was the kindest way through. He gets needs met, you don't have to lose the support and love of your husband, you don't lose financially from a divorce, your children get to live with both of you. And what he has to do is shoulder the guilt of the things he has to do to get him through his life.

It's a lonely place for both of you, but I hope you can both find it in yourselves to be kind to the other.

It started when baby was about 4 months old. The rest of the marriage is decent. He shares in the parenting, does a fair bit of the cooking, and takes care of the outside of our home and the garden.

I am not sure anymore. I feel like most of these responses are asking me what did I expect and others are saying he should have been more understanding given how small our babies are. This feels like a brick wall.

I hope your sex drive comes back for the long term hood of your marriage.

I would see a doctor. Or split.

You're both in the wrong. When I was OLD I came across lots of divorced men who left their wives because of lack of sex and intimacy (I also came across lots of married men but I didn't consider them). This is a wake up call OP. Unfortunately you also need to play your part (and he needs to show he'll never do it again). Don't know if GP is the right person but not maybe a therapist could work

Your loss of libido is understandable, your telling your DH he turns your stomach is not understandable.

As I’ve said I was on the receiving end of the same comment, I will never ever feel the same about my husband and I’m currently deciding if I continue with the marriage.

he is now oh so sorry, but it’s too late, he said it.

If he’d said “I know this is hurting you, it’s me not you, i’m the one that has changed, can we work on this and give me time”, I would’ve had no issue.

His choice of words and obvious revulsion of me, well that’s proving very hard to accept.

However, I won’t seek anyone else until I’ve decided to end my marriage. Because as we see here, it then puts me in the wrong in some peoples eyes.

Of course he should have been understanding.
Having sex you don't want when you're postpartum is likely to have an even worse effect on your relationship than not having sex during that period.

That's how sexual aversions develop, and they are extremely difficult if not impossible to fix.

Very surprised by the responses that you're getting considering your baby is only 1. I normally only see those responses on threads where it's been years and it doesn't look like the libido will come back, never on threads where small babies are involved.

I can't see where she said she told him that.
Either way, he started 'warning' her when the baby was only 4 months old so if she said something offensive then it would be out of defensiveness I'm sure....and you can't ignore the context of why she would have said it.

I should have gone to GP about this sooner. DH did warn me. He kept telling me that as a man he craves sex. I know this is all my fault. I want to fix it, but now I have created the issue of a lack of trust.

Your lack of sex drive is well within the realm of normal 1 year post partum with two small kids.

I think you're being very harsh on yourself.

You're not a sex robot.

You're not a sex provider.

He craves sex .... Cool ... That craving can be resolved with masturbation, not quite the same as sex but ....

He agreed to be in a monogamous relationship and has created a family with you. He had no right to unilaterally opt out of that with no discussion. He could have discussed an open relationship with you. Then you could have agreed or not agreed and left.

If he can't sort himself out for a while because you're grown, birthed and are caring for two of his kids ... I find him unrealistic, unreasonable, selfish and - because he "warned" you but didn't actually discuss it before looking for sex with other people; dishonest and totally lacking integrity.

I can't see where she said she told him that.

Not can I.

Is it another case of posters who can't take the time and have the respect to read an ops posts properly .... Latch onto massive assumptions/misconceptions and then other similar posters repeat them as nauseum Chinese's whispers style.

It’s how she feels about him. It’ll be totally clear to him!

You would accept this sort of comment would you? Be happy that’s how your husband viewed the idea of sex with you?

its not that she doesn’t want sex, it’s the fact her husband revolts her, he’ll know that.

so he's starting to prepare his way out

He didn't start to prepare his way out .... That would've been discussing it honestly and thoroughly with op and saying if things didn't resolve within x time frame, he would be separating from her.

He went on a hook up sites to fuck other people - including a other blokes partner in an mmf threesome - without apparently intending to separate or end the marriage.