Husband signed up to a hook-up site

[Ijustwantapeacefullife]

We are together nearly 15 years, married for 8. We have two beautiful children, 3 and 1.
Since baby no.2 was born, my sex drive has been non-existent, and therefore we rarely have sex. The thought of it turns my stomach, I would rather get my teeth pulled.

I went to check something on his phone (in front of him) and long story short, discovered he'd signed up to one of these hook-up websites. He says he signed up while drunk, because he doesn't get any sex at home.

He said he hasn't met anyone and has deleted the app.

I don't know what to do and I need advice. Am I really to blame for this? Where do we even go from here...

Her husband revolts her sexually, enough said! She’d rather have her teeth pulled.

I think that’s quite clear how she now views him sexually?

I'd be very interested to know if he would ever have told op, whether they separated or stayed together and ended up having sex again - about his activities.

I bet not.

In which case he's happy to risk her health with stds from hook ups. And any future unborn kids if they ever conceived again.

That's an aside to the dishonesty and betrayal of course.

Oh and one of the reasons he's taking to a man/couple about being a "bull," or whatever in a threesome with them is because there's a huge shortage of single women on hook up sites. And there are also plenty of men who'd not join a couple in an mmf. Note that his standards are such that he apparently would however.

He's seems like a scummer to me;

I crave sex, I'll just join a hook up site cause I'm not getting it right now, I'll consider fucking another man's partner in an mmf threesome .....
yeah your wife is recovering from birthing your two kids and dealing with the toughest, most intense years of babyhood/childhood.... With big hormonal changes, potential pnd, and maybe there's breast feeding in the mix too.

What happened to support, tolerance, kindness, realism, loyalty etc.?

What happened to just having a fkg wank.

No, the sex (and baby making and household) robot is not functioning.... Better find new orifices to ejaculate into (behind her back).

A "warning" is not an honest discussion. Unless he said "I'm going to join a hook up sure and fuck other people, are you ok with that"; it was not an honest discussion.

She said the thought of sex revolts her.

She expanded, when asked, that it's all sex/anyone.

She never told him anything like that; someone's just made that up; was it you?

She sounds like she has typical post partum, early babyhood, possible pnd, hormonal lack of sex drive. It's common.

It's zero excuse for him to start arranging to cheat on her in mmf threesomes to get his dick wet.

It's how she feels about SEX, not him.
Which is normal when a postpartum woman has no libido.

If it's totally clear to him then what a shame that he couldn't use his brain when his wife was 4 months postpartum and maybe read a book and he'd see how it was completely normal for the libido not to have returned at that point instead of 'warning' her that she was a man who needed sex.

I don't think she made that comment, but if I a man told me that I turned his stomach then no I wouldn't accept it. If a man told me he lost his libido for a while due to stress/depression etc. and the thought of sex turned his stomach then I'd be understanding and have empathy because I'm not stupid and am aware that sometimes people lose their libido and it has nothing to do with their partner at all. It's not rocket science. Life stressors can switch the libido off. When your libido turns off sex is not appealing.

As for your last part, It IS that she doesn't want sex, and NOT that her husband revolts her, she said she wouldn't even be interested in Brad Pitt. You're twisting her words

You're projecting your personal situation onto the op.

She has reason, as a post partum mother, for affected sex drive. Anyone with a brain would consider that. Not jump to "I revolt her" esp when she apparently hasn't said anything of the sort; unlike your partner.

It started when baby was about 4 months old

That is frankly fucking ridiculous.

At 4 months we were still tag teaming looking after a baby who woke up wanting feeds up to 6 times a night.

We were at each others throats due to sleep deprivation and the hamster wheel bottle making, nap, nappy changing etc. carousel.

He has a totally unrealistic idea of parenthood, partnerships and sounds like a selfish neanderthal. In fact you'd wonder if neanderthal man would've been more tolerant and kind than him.

You're twisting her words

Yeah, that poster (if she's the one that said it) has just made up that the op told her h that he revolts her ..... And is telling op off for hurting his feelings.

Because her partner did it to her.

If he has somehow assumed he revolts her, he's being unreasonable given she's 1 year post partum and he started hassling her 16 weeks post partum (and with another small child in the picture). And he's clearly not listened if she's explained what she explained here (that's it's all sex, with potentially anyone).

And even if she had; the decent thing to do would've been to separate and coparent; not go looking for casual sex with anyone up for it behind her back.

All of his behaviour says a lot about him.

The thought of sex with her husband revolts her, how she feels sexually about anyone else is irrelevant in the relationship.

Sorry but saying he turns her stomach is saying she’s revolted by him.

Why are you still with him when he turns your stomach? You both deserve more.

Losing your libido means you don't want sex.

If that was respected during this (very normal) time when it is common to have no libido then she wouldn't even have to think about how the thought of having sex disgusts her.

It only becomes a source of disgust if someone tries to pressure the other into unwanted sex when their libido is gone.

There are many women who lost their libido when they were postpartum and their partners accepted that, in that case they never needed to worry about or think about sex and how much it turned their stomach because they were never expected to do it.

Except she didn't say that.......................

Even though he probably should have turned her stomach seeing as he warned her when her baby was 16 weeks old that he needed sex because he's a man. He's gross.

@Ijustwantapeacefullife

I don’t want sex with DP anymore, and vice versa. We have two children.

We live for them, they have a good life, we have have financial security. DP and I are like siblings. We bicker over chores etc, he spends a lot of time at work, no intimacy at all. Last time we had sex was about 3 years ago and I hated it.

I meet an ex about once every two months and we have sex. I don’t otherwise talk to ex, communication is minimal. I don’t want anything to do with him other than sex.

If DP did the same, I wouldn’t have a problem.

Of course what I’m doing would be viewed by many as completely socially unacceptable and I will be slated. But why? We are not intimate, we are not romantic, we don’t desire each other in that way - but we are a team for our children and have an otherwise ok life.

Any urge I have gets dealt with every 2 months and that’s it. And I honestly wouldn’t care if he did the same. We have no interest in running off with anyone else - we are past that stage in our lives.

So is it ‘ok’ for a husband/wife who are not intimate together anymore to seek sex outside of their relationship? I think it is ok.

I posted earlier on the thread and was in the what did you expect /split up or seek counselling camp. I was under the impression that the no sex thing was a long term thing

But after rereading the OP and some of the responses, I've changed my mind as the OP has a baby so the no sex thing is relatively new.

Im sorry OP. I don't think what you're going through is abnormal and I really hope you and your DH sort it out one way or another.

@RedSharpie

So is it ‘ok’ for a husband/wife who are not intimate together anymore to seek sex outside of their relationship? I think it is ok.

Even if it's likely to be temporary, when a woman is postpartum?
The husband can just go and get sex elsewhere while he waits for his wifes libido to come back?
Do you have daughters? Would you think it was ok if this was done to her?
Or if you have sons would you think it was ok that your son did this with a young baby at home?

I wasn’t talking about a situation that is temporary. @Boomshock

I was talking more about a situation where intimacy/desire has completely gone.

I don’t know, I think the world we be quite different in 10 years time, I don’t think people view marriage, monogamy in the same way anymore. I’d ultimately want my children to be happy and not suffocated by - perhaps - outdated views that are rooted in religious principles. I’d want them to question why people behave/are expected to behave in certain ways and why.

@RedSharpie
Why?
They are very different situations, why not give advice or your opinion based on the OPs issue instead of derailing it talking about something else?

The OP was already confused by the responses as it was, because a lot seemed to ignore the fact she had a small baby.

I disagree about monogamy also, I think it will still be very much the norm in 10 years.
I would of course also want my children to question what way of life is right for them, however if my son decided that his monogamous relationship was no longer right for him because his wife was postpartum I'd think he was a selfish asshole, and if my daughters husband signed up to hook up sites when they were supposed to be monogamous and she was postpartum I'd think he was vile and she should dump him.

This. You only have his word he has not used the site. Can you trust him? It would be the end for me. He should be more considerate if your baby is only 1.

@Boomshock

I was going from OP’s initial post - which I took to be a year/more permanent sounding situation.

If I’m derailing you can report me, but otherwise I believe I’m giving an opinion within Mumsnet guidelines.

I’d probably want to think a little more about my son’s/husbands actions/motivations rather than dismiss as a selfish bastard or vile. I don’t believe monogamy is the same now as it was in the past or will be in the future. It is not static. Particularly in the advent of social media. There are usually two sides to a disagreement - and both sides need consideration.

He warned you? I’m sorry but that indicates he was already thinking of stepping out. Your fault? Why, you are tired and didn’t go to the doc to talk about your lack of libido?
He hasn’t talked to you about it, he’s putting the blame on you instead of accepting he acted inappropriately.
Its time to sit down and have a proper conversation about it all and insist he accepts what he did and you didn’t do, aren’t the same.

The motivation was that he wanted sex and unfortunately his wife lost his libido after childbirth and it hadn't recovered yet. So yeah, selfish bastard and vile.

Perhaps he doesn't have the coping skills to not take a drop in libido personally and lets it affect his entire self esteem etc and so he feels entitled to be selfish but I've raised my son better than that, and if he decided to cheat with a small baby at home I'd be disgusted.

I also disagree that monogamy is not static, because for many who practice it they remain monogamous and intend to stay that way. Most monogamous people remain monogamous.

I feel like your next argument will be that monogamy is a spectrum......

The lies are the problem. Does your husband know about your ex? If not then how can you say it's OK. It might not be OK to him. Otherwise just have an open marriage and be honest.

I thought you might all be interested in an update. DH slept in his workplace office last night, which was good because I really can't face him.

I sent him a strong text message outlining my feelings and how disgusted I was in him. He came in and begged me to listen to him for just 5 minutes. He seemed desperate but I asked him to leave. I just wasn't buying his fake tears.

This morning he cc'd me on emails he's sent to therapists, asking them for help for his 'porn addiction and fantasies'. Noble, you might think, but the issue is that he was arranging to meet internet strangers for sex, not porn addiction.

The more I am left alone to think about things, the stronger I feel about it. For example, he says he signed up to the website when he was drunk, which was last Friday 19th May...I discovered the evidence on his phone on Monday 22nd May, which means he was messaging these people for 3 days. If it was a drunken mistake, wouldn't he have deleted it the next morning?

I am honestly at a loss at what to do. Our whole world has been turned upside down. I would like to ask him to stay away again tonight, I can't stomach him being under the same roof as me and the babies.

What website was he on?

Not that it matters, just curious as I'm on a few and it sounds a bit like a guy I was talking to who suddenly disappeared

Locanto?