Husband signed up to a hook-up site

[Ijustwantapeacefullife]

We are together nearly 15 years, married for 8. We have two beautiful children, 3 and 1.
Since baby no.2 was born, my sex drive has been non-existent, and therefore we rarely have sex. The thought of it turns my stomach, I would rather get my teeth pulled.

I went to check something on his phone (in front of him) and long story short, discovered he'd signed up to one of these hook-up websites. He says he signed up while drunk, because he doesn't get any sex at home.

He said he hasn't met anyone and has deleted the app.

I don't know what to do and I need advice. Am I really to blame for this? Where do we even go from here...

Nope not me. Phew.

Op

try to look after yourself and stay calm

if I was a betting woman id bet he’s had a few sordid chats
yes he could have been at a sex party with 20 buxom babes but I bet he hasn’t
no married man gets that lucky !
women can get easy sex online , men not so much !

id also hazard a guess he’s scared shitless and wouldn’t want to go over and above a few saucy texts

now I know this is deeply hurtful and a betrayal

I know It’s a punch to the guts

but I’d def calm and get this into perspective before you make any major decisions

im saying to calm , and not minimise

@Thisisworsethananticpated
Well he's now looking into therapy for porn addiction and fantasies, so he's either trying to be manipulative or there's a bigger issue at play.
He should be open and honest, not try to make it sound like an addiction if it's not, just own up to what he has done.

Also yes it's harder for men, but that just means that maybe the reason he didn't actually physically cheat is simply because no one was willing to meet, if they had been he could have been all for it. So if it was left at a few sordid chats that doesn't really mean much.

He's just trying the "addiction" and "therapy/counselling" get out of jail free cards.

Boo hoo poor me, Ive got a problem.
I'll get wifey over this hump using the above tools, then she'll have stayed, danger will be past, and she'll be too invested & settled to leave (and think there's no point x months/years later).

I think people are judging you too harshly for not wanting sex. You have two kids under 3, of course you are going to be feeling tired, exhausted, worn out, physically and mentally. Give yourself a break! You are not signed up for weekly sex throughout a marriage. Your husband should be giving you affection freely and making you feel secure and loved, without the pressure of sex. A year isn’t too long to be honest in the context of a marriage, he needs to cop himself on and start taking care of the mother of his kids.

He’s instead completely betrayed your relationship. What an idiot.

And no ‘not getting sex at home’ isn’t an excuse, it’s a horrible thing to say, as if you were just some kind of robot who needs to be there sexually.

You have two kids under 3, many women go through quite a tough time sexually with young kids. Lots of understandable reasons why.

Having zero sex is a big NO-NO in relationships!!! For a healthy relationship to be MAINTAINED, you must have the intimacy in an ongoing basis.

@Tim2983
Having sex when you have zero libido when you're postpartum and do not want to have sex is one of the surest ways to develop a sexual aversion to your partner.

A huge amount of women who have sex they don't want when they are postpartum will never develop genuine sexual desire for their partner again, due to having that unwanted sex.

For the men who are patient and wait for their partners libido to come back after babies then there will be no such aversion, and sexual desire will resume most of the time.

If this was an emotional problem it needs to be addressed (best via dianetics auditing, most effective), or if this was a physical problem, look into He Shou Wu, by Dragon Herbs, I get my vitamins from iherb

Did you ignore the part where she had a baby? This can be a side effect from having a baby, and it passes, it doesn't mean she has a problem or that she needs to be fixed.

However you need to address this hormonal issue as it’s not normal whatsoever.

Her baby is only 1 so this is absolutely normal. He also started to put pressure on her when the baby was 4 months old, which made it a source of stress, which kills desire further.

You may also check into Bach Flower Essence remedies to help address any emotional issues.

Will the flower essence help her get over the trust issues and hurt that her husband caused? 🤓

Actually after your last update I’ve changed my mind. You don’t have a marriage problem. You have a husband problem. Fuck him. If he can’t even tell the therapist the truth it doesn’t look like therapy will go very well for him.

How utterly typical that a man posted this.

Also @Tim2983

In general, 99% of men will go searching for sex if the wife doesn’t give any. Why? Because this is something a man needs. What does a women need? Emotional connection more than the physical connection. Yet when one is not satisfied you can bet they’ll be an imbalanced and consequences that appears in the relationship sooner or later

Do you think the OPs emotional needs were being met when her husband started 'warning' her when she had a 16 week old? He knew she didn't want to have sex but essentially told her that didn't matter because he needed it. I bet she felt so loved, safe, secure, satisfied and loved then didn't she?

@Tim2983 actually it’s abusive to say that you HAVE to have sex in order to KEEP your marriage. It’s really awful. I had an Ex be like this with me after I’d had our baby, with an utterly horrific birth where I felt close to death, then Ex was very unsupportive. I had months of sleepless nights, trying to hold down my job, take care of the baby. In retrospect I had post natal depression and some trauma really.

My Ex did start wailing on about ‘not having enough sex’. Can you see how unsupportive that is? He ‘went off’ kissing me or hugging me, as that was a precursor to him wanting sex, and he went into huge moods about it. So not only was I on the brink of a breakdown for months, but I had a big man child giving his wife zero support and harassing me for sex.

Our bodies are brutalized at times from pregnancy and birth, and breast feeding. It is physically very hard. Having our main support, our husbands also treat our bodies as if they are there also to service them for sex just tops it all off really.

And quite probably the OP is absolute dying for some physical affection, some nice gestures of kind touch and hugs. But ones that are about their physical connection and imparting support without pressure. If her husband did that he would find a wife who would gradually start to want sex again on her terms, at her pace. That’s what partners do, support and love each other. The first year of a babies life is the toughest of a womans life often. It also greatly helps if the man takes pressure off his wife, who is looking after his child, by making dinner and doing the housework, and financially supporting, emotionally supporting.

Hope you're doing OK OP

If he has said to you that "as a man he craves sex" then he is a bit of a sexist twat to be honest. Lots of women enjoy sex too!

My libido - normally huge - dwindled to nothing when I was on hormonal contraception and yes it wrecked the marriage I was in at the time. Could that be an issue for you, OP?

One other thing I noted is that he had been chatting to an MF couple with a view to having sex with them. Was it a cuckolding situation from what you could tell (the fella wanting to watch your fella having sex with his partner) or was there going to be sex between the two guys? If the latter it is reasonable to assume your partner is at least bi-curious.

I was just wondering if you knew that about him before? I am bi, as is my husband, so I don't buy in (see what I did there?) to all the bi-phobic tropes that we are all relationship disasters waiting to happen and feel compelled to go around shagging anything whatever our relationship status.

BUT. If he is bi and has never explored this in practice, and we chuck this into the mix of your currently celibate relationship, then yeah there is some stuff to tease out and deal with in some full and frank conversations there, I would argue.....

Oh, and can I just add, YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SEX! And shouldn't, if it disgusts you. Neither does he have to stay in a celibate relationship sure, but unless you have a gun to his head...

She didn't say her husband revolts her, she said the thought of sex revolts her.

Since you said 'even Brad Pitt' that means that the revulsion is not with your partner but with sex in general. That would make him feel far less rejected. Does he know that? I really think this is mainly a post partum hormone kind of issue and that with the help of couples' counselling and possibly meds, things could turn around. If not then perhaps you could consider a discrete open relationship which can be far less hurtful that separating after 15 years and with 2 tinies.

I’d have to get rid! I didn’t have sex for eight months after baby number two. Totally normal to go off it especially after a traumatic birth. Decent men accept this and have a wank. He’s dirty and sleezy and you’ll never trust him again. He’s not a decent man! I’m so so sorry OP you don’t deserve this at all!!

Yep I hear ya, after my second child my flesh would crawl when my DH touched me, then every time we cuddled he would initiate sex which made it worse. Just felt like one more chore I had to do for someone else in the house before I could go to sleep. He was constantly on porn sites, all trust was lost, I'm single now at 50 and the best bit? Going straight to sleep, no nagging for sex, not feeling guilty because I'm not giving someone sexual relief (going to bed fresh from the bath, he'd roll on, soil me, roll off wipe clean and I'd end up in a wet mess and smelling In the morning felt like another thing for me to deal with) and I never regained any sexual feelings again so I'll never date another man as long as I live. Men always blame the woman.....like blaming the mirror cos your ugly.

this!!

Oh, @Ijustwantapeacefullife, what a sad update

I wanted to reiterate a PP: Very surprised by the responses that you're getting considering your baby is only 1. Too many respondents seem unaware that it's normal to go off sex when you've recently pushed a human out of your vagina, are getting precious little sleep and there are tiny hands grabbing at you, demanding attention, every minute of every day.

The world's full of husbands who understand the physical & emotional strain, respect what their wives have put their bodies through, and do all they can to help - including waiting until she feels healed.

Then there are the "But mah manly needs!" wazzocks, who clearly haven't got much of an idea about what having a family means. It seems you've discovered your H is one of those. What a bitter disappointment.

It sounds like there is some hope for you two, but I don't know how much hope. Depends whether he can do enough to make up lost ground, I guess. Wishing you the best, however it turns out.