Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why an I so hated??

88 replies

Potter10 · 22/05/2023 20:18

This isn't a pity me post, maybe it is, but it's not meant to be!
I struggle to maintain friendships, even family members. I don't know what I do but people just don't like me and I'm at the point that it's gotten to much to cope with lately.
I'm married with 4 gorgeous children which I'm eternally grateful for and I have a normal happy life. But throughout my life people generally hate me.
A teacher when I was 6 would go out of her way to ridicule and isolate me from the class, my "nan" would leave me out of family Christmas cards (from the age of 3!!) Many family members have fallen out with me, not after an argument or anything they just don't speak to me (but will often contact my sister, who makes no effort with any of them)
Every good friendship I have had has turned sour with 99% of them a complete surprise to me. They usually slowly start to exclude me from get togethers, i hear about plans they are making with others, then I eventually give up trying, spend a few weeks being upset then Bury them feelings deep. The headmaster at my kids school won't acknowledge me any more (again no rhyme nor reason) he will literally blank me but say hi to others stood with me.
I just don't know what to do any more. I am, or like to think I am, friendly and very loyal. I don't bitch or back stab.
I don't even think there's an answer, this I suppose is just me venting and I'm unlikely to get any responses but feels good to get it out.

OP posts:
Freshair1 · 22/05/2023 20:21

Your post speaks volumes. If that's how you feel, that's how you act. If that's how you act, then others pick up on lots of little cues. Et voila. Sorry to be flippant but I figure you like plain spoken sense.

Dotcheck · 22/05/2023 20:24

Freshair1 · 22/05/2023 20:21

Your post speaks volumes. If that's how you feel, that's how you act. If that's how you act, then others pick up on lots of little cues. Et voila. Sorry to be flippant but I figure you like plain spoken sense.

Does that help?

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2023 20:26

What is your relationship with your husband like?

GreyCarpet · 22/05/2023 20:37

Dotcheck · 22/05/2023 20:24

Does that help?

Show quote history

Tbh, it's probably more useful than the, "It's them not you, OP. You sound lovely," type responses that invariably come along!

It's true that how we feel about ourselves tends to be reflected in our behaviours amd how we interact with others. Not consciously but that is often what other people pick up on and it determines the response we elicit from others.

Stabee · 22/05/2023 20:46

Complete stab in the dark here. You come across as though you don't know if you're coming or going. Scatty. Unsurprising if you have four DC and are seeing to their needs. Maybe you just need to relax a bit and listen to what the other person is saying. Pause. Respond thoughtfully. It's probably as simple as that. And yes I am projecting.

Confusedpers · 22/05/2023 20:48

I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. The way you’re talking is how many older people with undiagnosed neurodiversity feel at some points. If a kid or adult is quieter than average, louder than average, more or less excitable than average etc …. some others really take against that.

I don’t know if this applies to you. It applies to me and I have often felt unpopular.

RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 20:50

Confusedpers · 22/05/2023 20:48

I’m sorry that you’re having a hard time. The way you’re talking is how many older people with undiagnosed neurodiversity feel at some points. If a kid or adult is quieter than average, louder than average, more or less excitable than average etc …. some others really take against that.

I don’t know if this applies to you. It applies to me and I have often felt unpopular.

This is actually the first thing that came to my mind too!

CeciNestPasUnPipi · 22/05/2023 20:51

Go back to your birth family and a key relationship, or relationships, there. This is your blueprint; it's the relationship that determines all subsequent romantic/professional/friendship relationships to a greater or lesser extent. If there is a flaw in that first, key relationship, your blueprint is flawed; but you won't be able to see it, or if you do, you'll find it hard to change it.

Does this make sense? Can you trace this back to your childhood at all?

RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 20:51

And btw, the fact your Nan and your teacher back then treated appallingly has nothing to do with you! That much is sure.

catchthedog · 22/05/2023 20:51

Do you genuinely put in time, effort, thought into your relationships with other people? do you ask about them and make sure you aren't talking about yourself. remembering important things they've previously talked about etc?

RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 20:55

catchthedog · 22/05/2023 20:51

Do you genuinely put in time, effort, thought into your relationships with other people? do you ask about them and make sure you aren't talking about yourself. remembering important things they've previously talked about etc?

Fwiw and I appreciate that it’s not the OP situation.

Im a foreigner. 25 years on I still sick out like a sore thumb. Friendships are extremely hard in England (no issues at all back to my original country).

Sometimes, you can put a lot of effort, time, ensure you’re not talking about you all the time etc…and STILL not gel with the people where you live.

Confusedpers · 22/05/2023 20:56

Thanks @RemainAtHome

GeriKellmansUpdo · 22/05/2023 21:02

Do you have a bit of a victim complex? Quite a few teachers hated me. Some even hit me. But I think it says more about them than me.

As for the friends, we need more information. What would happen if you invited them over or scheduled a get together?

Generally, most people are too busy trying to stay afloat to hate you.

catchthedog · 22/05/2023 21:06

@RemainAtHome if its all of your friends, family and even teachers it would suggest the OP is probably doing something wrong.

Mumofnarnia · 22/05/2023 21:10

I was exactly like this 10-15 years ago. It has a lot to do with confidence and self esteem. I was very quiet and shy as a young girl, mostly due to the trauma I’d been a victim of during childhood.
I found there are 2 main types of people . The ones who saw me as the ‘weak girl’ who would find great pleasure making me feel awful about myself, walk all over me, treat me like a door mat and would turn other people against me and ostracise me…. And then there were the ones’s who just didn’t get me, thought I was too quiet and shy and weak and not worth bothering with, so would generally avoid me like the plague or if it was a group of people then they would ostracize me.
It is true that if you are not confident on yourself then other people won’t have confidence in you either.

Nowadays I’m a completely different person. I think a part of that is learning to stand up for myself! There’s no way I’d put up with all the bullying that I used to tolerate during my teens and twenties or being walked all over because I was too scared to say no! I do come across as much more confident and likeable now but due to past trauma I do realise I still have a lot to work on. But I’m finding I’m generally more accepted by people now. I have boundaries so people know not to walk all over me and I do find people respect me a lot more because of it.

Anissue · 22/05/2023 21:12

You have brought up your nan singling you out as a 3 yo & your old primary teacher making fun.. why have you held on to these memories?
Who told you your nan singled you out at that age? Have you been fed the idea you’re not very likeable/you’re different/you’ve victimised from a young age by a parent?

TortolaParadise · 22/05/2023 21:13

Sometimes people can dislike you for no reason that you have created -nothing to do with being neurodiverse/typical either. Just plain dislike.

RemainAtHome · 22/05/2023 21:13

catchthedog · 22/05/2023 21:06

@RemainAtHome if its all of your friends, family and even teachers it would suggest the OP is probably doing something wrong.

Or as a previous poster noted, it could be ND.

Would you say being ND is the OP doing something wrong?

catchthedog · 22/05/2023 21:16

@RemainAtHome yes, that could fit someone not being socially appropriate hence my questions.

BounceyB · 22/05/2023 21:19

You sound like a teacher I work with. She's a lovely person and means well. Like you she has 4 children and a very happy home life but few friends. I don't know if the problem is the same but she misjudges so many social interactions. She's upset so many members of staff just by not thinking through what she's about to say. I honestly don't know why she can't get it right but at a glimpse, I think she's had a traumatic experience which hasn't been dealt with.

I don't know if this is helpful.

Allelbowsandtoes · 22/05/2023 21:20

Aquamarine1029 · 22/05/2023 20:26

What is your relationship with your husband like?

I'm wondering this too.

OP why not ask your husband (and tell him you really do want a proper answer) if he has any ideas about why it might be that you struggle to maintain relationships. I don't imagine people do hate you, but if the info you're presenting is right, then it seems that people do avoid you or don't want to continue friendships.

Either that, or you're perceiving things wrong. Either way, your husbands input could be helpful.

Devonshiregal · 22/05/2023 21:20

What does your husband like about you? And what would he say is your weakness socially?

CateringPanic · 22/05/2023 21:21

Do you think you might be too quick to throw in the towel?

I’ve had similar experiences myself. I’m a very sensitive person and take things very much to heart so I often perceive that I’m being left out or made fun of. This typically has made me want to pull away from the group because I figure I’m not going to hang around where I’m not wanted. This can then make people feel like I am the one being off and pulling away, which makes them pull away and so it gets worse.

Do you think you might be doing something similar OP?

Confusedpers · 22/05/2023 21:21

Please don’t lose heart OP. None of us know you from the evidence of a single post. And we all comment from the basis of our own experiences and perspectives, which may or may not be applicable to you.

I remember one time when I took an evening class. I knew exactly the moment the teacher decided she didn’t like me. I saw the change in her body language and after that she kept away from me and didn’t give me the same attention as the other students. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, it was just something with my facial expression or tone of voice.

I remember another time when I was volunteering somewhere. I didn’t realise that another girl had just spoken to me until I saw her reaction when I didn’t respond. She was funny and off with me ever after.

You only have to read the friendship threads on MN to see how many people are so insecure that they consider ending friendships because their friends aren’t behaving in exactly the way they want/expect them to.

There is a huge amount of conformity out there, especially for women. So much so that being a bit delayed in responses or having a brusque voice or an unusual facial expression can end up with a person being ostracised.

The good news is that there are lots of accepting people out there. I found when I was younger that I got on better with people who weren’t from my country. They didn’t have set expectations for how I should be so they were a lot more forgiving.

TortolaParadise · 22/05/2023 21:23

@bouncy b would you share an example of when your colleague has misjudged a social situation?