Why an I so hated??

[Potter10]

This isn't a pity me post, maybe it is, but it's not meant to be!
I struggle to maintain friendships, even family members. I don't know what I do but people just don't like me and I'm at the point that it's gotten to much to cope with lately.
I'm married with 4 gorgeous children which I'm eternally grateful for and I have a normal happy life. But throughout my life people generally hate me.
A teacher when I was 6 would go out of her way to ridicule and isolate me from the class, my "nan" would leave me out of family Christmas cards (from the age of 3!!) Many family members have fallen out with me, not after an argument or anything they just don't speak to me (but will often contact my sister, who makes no effort with any of them)
Every good friendship I have had has turned sour with 99% of them a complete surprise to me. They usually slowly start to exclude me from get togethers, i hear about plans they are making with others, then I eventually give up trying, spend a few weeks being upset then Bury them feelings deep. The headmaster at my kids school won't acknowledge me any more (again no rhyme nor reason) he will literally blank me but say hi to others stood with me.
I just don't know what to do any more. I am, or like to think I am, friendly and very loyal. I don't bitch or back stab.
I don't even think there's an answer, this I suppose is just me venting and I'm unlikely to get any responses but feels good to get it out.

Just quickly googled can being too nice ruin friendships

People who are 'too nice' often avoid sharing their ideas due to fear of rejection, judgement, or the (false) belief that it's selfish or controlling to do so. When the relationship is deprived of that creative energy it slowly starves over time, becoming stagnant, dull & lifeless. It also leads to disconnection.

@CakeBeautifulCake they say "woman like a bad guy" it's apparent that it is not only the bad guy but the bad gal they pine too

There's nothing in your posts that points to an obvious answer.

If your husband genuinely has no idea, could you ask your mum to see if she has picked up on anything?

It could be that you're one of those invisible people, like me. From your OP it looks like people just don't notice you're there. That's certainly true for me. I have to make a lot of effort to make sure people actually see me and even then they look shocked, as though I've just materialised out of thin air. People in shops will serve the person behind me and look surprised when I speak. There was a thread a while back about people who seem to be invisible to others.

That would explain why your DH can't explain it. He's used to seeing you, you're not invisible to him.

Agree with your thoughtful posts, @EarringsandLipstick — I’m 50, and didn’t have an abusive childhood, but I’m only now realising through therapy in middle age how my parents, both from deprived, dysfunctional backgrounds, were completely unable to meet my very ordinary needs as a small child and to parent. It’s taken a lot of work to revise those childhood scripts.

I think the answer is that you are carrying unacknowledged and unprocessed trauma from your childhood and maybe that makes you uncomfortable to be around. If your Nan was horrible to 3 year old you, that wasn’t caused by you or by anything about you, that’s because she was a horrible and abusive person, and the way you were treated then has left you damaged and vulnerable.

Lots of 3 year olds can be annoying, but the adults in their lives are supposed to be nice to them anyway. The way you were treated then was not your fault, but as an adult you are still looking at it as something that was caused by an essential fault or a flaw in you and you’re carrying that belief into every new relationship. You need to work through that in order to find friendships and relationships easier and more natural now. Good luck.

You are not invisible. Don't ever believe you are ❤️

Being ND is not a reason people automatically dislike you. Lots of us are ND and are very well liked.

It's not ok to diagnose people online like this and its not ok to stereotype based on said diagnoses.

I don't think they're saying that people automatically dislike ND people. More that one of the symptoms of autism is struggling socially and many autistic people (especially later in life diagnosed women) report struggling socially and not understanding what they are doing 'wrong'.

I am ND. This used to happen to me, but I consciously learned some behaviours that make people feel more connected with me. They really helped. Happy to PM if of interest OP.

I'm interested could you post ?

Could you share these - I'd be very interested :) x

I have had many issues you are describing. Bullied and ignored at school, had no friends for most of my life. Became very nervous about people as didn't know when they would turn against me. I was eventually diagnosed with dyspraxia and dyslexia at the age of 42 . This made a big difference as I started to look into strategies to overcome my difficulties, especially in a way I communicate. I used to misread people' non-verbal communication and was prone to making inappropriate remarks. My confidence at the time was very low. I had some counselling and hypnotherapy which helped a lot (unfortunately I had to go private). What worked for me was to stop talking so much and start listening better. It just helped so much on so many levels. It gave me time to analyse the situation better and also, most people love talking about themselves. It took a bit of time to turn things around. However I got so much better with practice and have no difficulties relating to people now. It sounds from your description you might be neuro diverse which is nothing to be ashamed of. I hope it helps.

Please don't invalidate my experiences! I have many, many examples of people literally not seeing me when I'm right there with them, not noticing when I've spoken, looking right through me. As I mentioned, people in shops and cafés go to serve the person behind me. I get left off invitations, birthday card lists, email lists, meeting invites. I've had a lifetime of this! And no I'm not quiet / timid / withdrawn.

There was a whole thread where someone described something similar happening to her.

With all due respect, have you been to a psychologist/counselling? You may have an undiagnosed disorder. They could help you find the root cause.

I have met 2 people like that. One I'm almost sure she has an undiagnosed disease, she can't understand social cues,she can be generally accepted but not accepted as a close friend. I tried to be her close friend regardless but it is too hard to teach her, tell her every single time she was doing something unacceptable. It's like dealing with a very young teenager. She has issues at work too because she can't read social cues with co-workers either.

The other one she just has a victim behaviour all the time. You understand that people go through things but in her case, there's something all the time and she over shares on FB. People wouldn't want a friend who would bring them down all the time.

With 4 DC I'm surprised you have time to care what other people think!

In seriousness though, you probably are overthinking this. One set of my grandparents didn't like me. I was quiet and shy and my df was very protective of me. As I grew up and grew an attitude they did change and suddenly I was fun when I'd tell them to stop being fucking annoying (when they were being annoying).

I was also singled out a bit at school as I guess I was probably annoying.

I'm mid 40s now, don't care much at all what others think and feel people tend to gravitate towards me because of this. Strangest thing though, if I feel someone's trying to get to close as a friend, I'm a dump and run type.

I like my acquaintances casual and undemanding.

Excellent post.

It is impossible to tell why this is happening from your posts. People do like you if you make friends but then something happens.
The people I know this happens to either only talk about themselves, complain a lot, or never arrange to see someone leaving the other person to make all the arrangements. The latter gives the impression to friends that they are not bothered.
Do you say hello to the head or could he also think you ignore him?

I was thinking this.

OP, you said you are vulnerable, and some MNers pile on to say it's all your fault or your imagination. No it isn't, they're a bunch of bullies.

So. I hear you. You might be neurodivergent, you might not. Either way, the key things to remember are

1. Befriend yourself. Find your inner child and love her. Keep a journal (urgh - I hated that bit) of your encounters with her. Reassure her that you love her and that's what counts. There is nothing about you to make people respond negatively, it's just that the world is full of dicks.

2. Work on mindfulness.

3. Lightheartedly, tell yourself that 'What other people think of me is none of my business.'

That chasm caused by people treating you badly can heal, given time.

It doesn't sound like anyone hates you - more like they don't appreciate you, possibly due to sensing low self esteem on your part.

In an ideal world, people would be nice to each other just because everyone deserves kindness; in reality, people might "kiss up" more to those they perceive as higher status, more confident, richer, cooler, more popular, fashionable, etc. and are dismissive of those that have low self esteem, even though the latter group may be quite kind and thoughtful. It's really silly and immature of them! I would advise to stop trying to get validation from random people, and focus your attention and love on the people closest to you, who really matter.

It's also possible that, since you were rejected in childhood, you are unconsciously drawn to people who don't appreciate you, in an effort to be validated by them. Why not train yourself to be drawn to the people who DO like you, and don't pay any attention at all to the ones who don't?

It sounds like you are perfectly nice to everyone, but your self esteem and past history are affecting this unfair treatment from some people. If you are depressed, it can also affect how people react to you, and then in turn you might also notice and feel the rejections more.

If it really bugs you, then working on your confidence, and trying to "fit in" more might help. Or just don't change a thing, and focus on the people closest to you, who really care, who really ARE worth your time, and try not to let it get you down about the others!

Interesting @FictionalCharacter - please could you link the thread as I couldn’t find it

For people asking what helped me, I did a media training course for my work and realised that I had very little awareness of my own body language and I had some habits to work on. Maybe ask someone you really trust to video you in different scenarios. I’d stand with my arms crossed for example, that others on the school run, for example, would interpret as defensive or unfriendly. I am not good at eye contact, and it still feels uncomfortable but I make myself make and maintain eye contact. Also I am a terrible fidget, especially in situations when I feel uncomfortable, which I realised makes me look inattentive and some people find that really disrespectful. If someone is speaking to me, I try to maintain eye contact, rotate my body to them and not fidget or cross my arms!

Another thing that really helped, is that although I am a kind person inside, it was not showing to others, so learning techniques to make others feel heard was a breakthrough. Active listening, reflecting what they have said back to them, paraphrasing what they have told me. You would learn a lot of this at an introductory counselling course.

This probably sounds as though it’s about everyone else and quite a lot of self development work, which of course in some ways it is, but I see it as a way of helping others to see the genuine character of me. And it’s been very rewarding to have better connections with people.

Another thing, I did an assertiveness course (again with work), teaching how to speak up and frame my wants / needs effectively without coming across aggressive or feeling uncomfortable. Learning to interject with grace in group situations without feeling awkward.

If you do this self development, regardless of what others do or how they react, it should improve the way you feel about your interactions. The world needs more attentive listeners!

Anyway, I hope this is of some help to someone. And @Potter10 I hope that others experience similar is something of a comfort, that you’re not uniquely alone in this. 💐

My first thought was that your experiences sound typical of someone ND.

You have an amazing mum, husband and 4 kids though, I'd concentrate on those and not worry too much about anything else, people are often very wrapped up in themselves and their family. Friendships often come and go too, people move on in different ways. Don't take any of it too personally just move on yourself and concentrate on family in the mean time.