Why an I so hated??

[Potter10]

This isn't a pity me post, maybe it is, but it's not meant to be!
I struggle to maintain friendships, even family members. I don't know what I do but people just don't like me and I'm at the point that it's gotten to much to cope with lately.
I'm married with 4 gorgeous children which I'm eternally grateful for and I have a normal happy life. But throughout my life people generally hate me.
A teacher when I was 6 would go out of her way to ridicule and isolate me from the class, my "nan" would leave me out of family Christmas cards (from the age of 3!!) Many family members have fallen out with me, not after an argument or anything they just don't speak to me (but will often contact my sister, who makes no effort with any of them)
Every good friendship I have had has turned sour with 99% of them a complete surprise to me. They usually slowly start to exclude me from get togethers, i hear about plans they are making with others, then I eventually give up trying, spend a few weeks being upset then Bury them feelings deep. The headmaster at my kids school won't acknowledge me any more (again no rhyme nor reason) he will literally blank me but say hi to others stood with me.
I just don't know what to do any more. I am, or like to think I am, friendly and very loyal. I don't bitch or back stab.
I don't even think there's an answer, this I suppose is just me venting and I'm unlikely to get any responses but feels good to get it out.

Some people get assigned certain roles within the family and when they are reinforced by others, the other family members end up following suit. It struck me that this may be true of you and your family.

When we have been rejected from a young age by the people supposed to love and like us the most, it leaves deeps scars and it changes a person. This probably affects you and your relationships with others.

It doesn't mean that you're to blame or that you are fundamentally unlikeable. You don't deserve how you've been treated by your family and never have done.

Someone will be along to wail about neurodivergence being raised yet again but with the greater understanding of how this affects girls and women, it's unsurprising so many people are confronted with it in adulthood. One thing that is used as an indicator of neurodivergence is rejection by peers when young for no particular reason and this might be something worth exploring.

I doubt it's as simple as that, I suspect toxic family dynamics come into play and the resulting damage to your esteem may well have affected how you carry yourself too.

But, op, I don't believe you're too blame and don't take those keyboard-telling-it-like-is posters make you think you are. X

Have you considered that you might be autistic? Perhaps speak to your GP.

I wanted to write a version of this - you've said it much better!

I am not in OP's situation but I have found myself repeatedly treated badly by those who should care for me. I've had a very abusive marriage. My family of origin have been disinterested & thoughtless, tho broadly 'good' people that I get on with. I make friends easily & connect with others but still, often end up hurt.

Slowly counselling is revealing to me patterns of behaviour from childhood, narratives around who I am that I've accepted & modelled.

Something that really resonated with me recently, from my counsellor: other people are adept at meeting their needs. They know what they need, and they will prioritise it. I have continually tried to put other's needs first - even if they didn't require that! And ignored my own.

There's something very fundamental about knowing who you are, what matters to you & what you need. It's a slow journey for me, but it does begin to become less material what others think of me.

I'm sorry you're carrying such hurt OP
💐

Everyone is missing the fact that adults were alienating her since she was 3. That's weird

Wise words from @007DoubleOSeven and @EarringsandLipstick

Ps I know other posters gave mentioned ND. I can't comment on this.

I think it's worth considering but I would caution fixing on it as a 'reason' and perhaps, even subconsciously, deciding there's something 'wrong' with you (and of course, ND is not 'wrong' in any case!)

Yes, adults who alienate a child are very weird

Well, it's not 'weird'. It's really sad - but also instructive that OP has held these memories & they are still a source of pain for her.

I, too, recall moments of acute hurt from my mother. She would not even consider these as anything to have affected me.

For many, these moments of hurts in childhood are processed at the time but sometimes they aren't and continue to fuel our perceptions of ourselves, and others' behaviour towards us.

Im another op who suspects undiagnosed ND

reasons being
-social problems for what feels like all your life —you feeling very hurt , and not knowing why and this impacting you further

at this stage you have nothing to lose by ruling it out ? There is a very good Facebook group ‘autistic women and girls’

I joined it to learn more and understand
so many people there share what you share op x

But your children like you? Some other people must like you.
I think people dislike people for many reasons, you are bound to come across this many times over your lifetime but you have really held on to it.
they are not correct! People do like you.

You mention bad family relationships
Look up disorganised attachment and see if that rings any bells
When our earliest understandings of relationships are skewed, it affects us for life and is hard to understand from our own perspective x

Sorry you're having such a hard time. Have you ever tried therapy? If you feel unworthy/unloved then that can come across as very off-putting in interactions and might end up in a self-fulfilling prophecy.

One of my friends really struggles to maintain friendships. She's never asked me why but I could tell her (she only thinks about what she wants from interactions and never thinks about other people - e.g. she'll bluntly say that she's had enough of talking to you and can you please go home!). Could it be something like that?

Have you ever considered volunteering? It might improve your confidence, plus it will help you meet some nice people who share a common interest with you.

Do you ask questions and show an interest in other people? Or do you engage people in intense monologues? The only person I know that has no friends never asks any questions of others nor shows an interest in others. The only way she communicates is by engaging people in intense monologues about her life. She is absolutely exhausting to be around. She never "reads the room" or dials in to anyone else's mood or emotions.

People who experience trauma in childhood have a very hard time actually feeling their feelings and just being. It’s hard to explain. They put on an act, overcompensate, sometimes completely self-sabotage. All of which makes them awkward company socially, so people keep their distance.

My sister had some difficult family relationships and friendships. My mother was v rejecting to her. She now struggles to manage relationships unless she can control them and unless people admire her a lot. It’s v difficult to be around. I’m not saying this is you, but just sharing someone else’s experience.

Are you the same poster who has posted a few times before about her children's teacher ignoring her?

I have a friend that probably would say the same as you. Her family are dickheads there is no reason why they worship her brother and not her. Her biggest issue with friends is conversation. She will change the topic abruptly and monologues a lot. She doesn’t pick up on the ‘mood’ very well or subtle social stuff.
People find me abrupt and hard sounding. It’s just the way I speak, I think I’m actually very kind so I get a lot of people disliking me too.
It’s very hard to change yourself even if you identify what it is. But it’s probably something beyond your control anyway. Try to accept yourself and be prepared to keep looking for your ‘tribe’.

Is there any chance that feelings of rejection in early years have led you to be overly sensitive to others perception of you? I really really don’t think everyone hates you, and that’s just your perception. Honestly I struggled with this for many many years, constantly worried about what people thought of me, thinking everyone hated me, or was laughing at me, and it’s stopped me functioning normally. It took over 40 years for it to get better, I’m hoping by the time I’m 70 I really won’t give a shit anymore. I’m really so sorry you’re feeling like this and going through it, it’s really hard and an extremely lonely place to be. Is there anyone you can talk to about it? Xxx

I agree with this. If you can find a decent group analyst they might be able to help you work out what’s going on

This is what life was like for me always ended up excluded, never knew why until I met another girl in my early twenties who was exactly like me and my god I thought ' she is so bloody nice it is bloody irritating' and that's when it hit me... I was so busy being nice and being a people pleaser that it annoyed people and they obviously sun consciously picked up on me not being my true self and not being fully honest which make people suspicious of you.

I started stopping wanting people to like me and saying what was on my mind and people started to be much more drawn to me! Now I'm at the point of my life a few years on where Ive got lots of friends I meet one person and bring them into the group and now I'm the damn instigator of days/nights out and I make damn sure I don't act like a queen bee and include everyone all the time! I also don't get offended if someone can't make an event which helps and when I hear anyone botching saying ' I can't believe so and so didn't show up' I shut it down immediately (maybe that but is a bit queen bee behaviour) but I won't have bullying in our group. And honestly snide Simmental like that are few and far between. We all get on really well and I know what it's like to be left out so I would never want that in out group.

Be more assertive, be authentic, speak your truth and by all means be nice but if you don't agree with something or don't want to do something speak out! Try it, what's happening now ain't working for you so what have you got to loose

@CeciNestPasUnPipi a relationship like a brother? Me and him were incredibly close, we would only sleep if in the same bed, always together. Then he died, he was 3 I was 5. That wasn't a rejection though that was a loss. Or more like my dad? He openly admitted my older sister was (and still is) his number one! I love and get on well with both, we have a close relationship now (hasn't always been that way, less said the better on that though)
My mum has always been my rock, she is the one who always showed me love.
My husband and I are solid, he's the one I know will never leave! I've asked him to be honest and tell me what he thinks I do wrong and he says he just doesn't know he doesn't understand what it is.

Thank you @EarringsandLipstick (and @Confusedpers ), what you wrote here resonated:

Something that really resonated with me recently, from my counsellor: other people are adept at meeting their needs. They know what they need, and they will prioritise it. I have continually tried to put other's needs first - even if they didn't require that! And ignored my own.

@Potter10 it's an odd thing but when poor family treatment leads to poor boundaries in relationships, then you can end being treated badly and taken advantage of. Perversely, learning to walk away first from those who don't treat you with respect leads to improved relationships.

Like others, I think counselling could help you unpick patterns in your relationships, which probably stem back to your childhood. Once you've identified them, you can free yourself from them.

Yes, that'll do it.

I'm so sorry you lost your brother, especially when you were both so young:(

I’m so sorry to read this ❤️ you poor soul ❤️

I had plenty of friends when I was a teenager. I was abit rough and we live in a town where if you're not rough, you're weak/invisible. I've noticed since I grew up and became 'nice' and open minded, I simply don't fit in with the local bitchy people. I don't fit in with the nicer ones who try to fit in with the bitchy ones at arm's reach. I thought I had a school mum friend who moved here from down south but she was an outer friend group of the bitchy local mum group and eventually chose them over me... And over her child who their children were subtly bullying. To keep the peace with them, she just moved her child to a different school without ever addressing it.

I wouldn't associate your younger years rejection with nowadays rejection though. I also had a teacher who hated me for no reason at all, I was a good 5 year old!

I love the idea of 'Find Your Tribe'... I just wish they weren't so elusive! So I get you OP, I can make friends online easy, talk daily to some from around the world, real life I have no one and think I've reluctantly accepted it'll always be this way. You're not alone feeling this way OP