Sexless marriage - should I leave?

[tristwch]

Name changed because this is such a private issues, but I really need some advice and don't feel I can talk to anyone in rl.

I have been with my DH for 23 years, married for 13. We have one DD, and a long history of infertility, ivf, multiple miscarriages (which may be relevant?).

I would never say our sex life has been great, overall I'd say I had the higher sex drive but over the years there has obviously been highs and lows.

However, we haven't really had sex for 5 years now. I think we have attempted it 3-4 times over that period of time and before that sex was very infrequent.

For a while I thought it was me with peri menopause causing dryness/tightness but some self exploring has shown that not to be true.

The last 3-4 times we've tried DH has struggled to maintain an erection. At first I ignored and said no worries, then I suggested going to the GP or getting some viagra etc or trying counselling. DH didn't follow up on any of these. When I suggested therapy, he asked why as he thought everything is fine.

I now accept that actually even if he did do any of these things, I don't actually want to have sex with him anymore. We get on really well but it's purely platonic now, and I have recently moved into the spare bedroom.

I'm only in my 40s and the thought of spending the rest of my life without sex is depressing. There is a part of me saying, you can't do this, you can't stay in a sexless marriage, jn 10 years time you will regret this. You need a chance at happiness in a more rounded fulfilling relationship. But another part of me is thinking - 23 years is a hell of a lot to throw away just because I want regular decent sex! And who knows maybe in 5 years I won't want sex!

It's a big decision to leave a marriage, and should I leave an essentially good man because of sexual incompatibility? What's best for our daughter? Not to mention the financial implications - we would have to sell and move to afford two smaller places.

I really don't know what to do. But I feel like I can't carry on like this. Can anyone help me try and navigate all of this?

Sorry if I've waffled or not given the right info for people to help, I just feel so sad and desperate. Writing this has made me cry.

I’m 10 years older than you and we stopped having sex due to DH’s ED, and he also wouldn’t do anything about it. When we stopped having sex, so the relationship suffered, I decided not to put up with his snoring anymore ( which he also wouldn’t do anything about) so we are also in separate rooms.
If I was your age, and still wanting sex, I’d definitely end it. As it is I’m peri menopause so don’t want sex, and I’m happy to stay for company.
Life’s too short to stay just so you don’t upset him.

You ll get loads of LTB responses, but, my advice is to be cautious.

Being an independent woman is financially relentless. I m single, and the pool of potential partners is dire. I would like to occasionally have sex with a hot partner, but they literally are like a needle in a haystack. You could end up single and sexless and on a financial island. Just be careful, explore all of your options. Pleasure yourself.

Most sexual partnerships fizzel out after a period of time, and as I say the available men are not all that desirable.

Thanks for the replies. It's raised a wry smile that the two replies basically sum up the two sides of the dilemma I'm facing. I just don't know how to navigate making a decision about which side I should choose.

How old is your daughter?

I’m sure being in a sexless marriage is a lonely place but I suppose you need to weigh up whether your need for a proper sexual relationship, or at least to be away from this dead marriage, should override your daughter’s need for a stable home life.

Do you and your husband generally get on, is home life pleasant enough?

If you were single I'd say don't stay just because you have 23 years of history, it's time to call it a day, but obviously a child makes it more complex.

I'm starting to become aware that I have friends who are now in separate bedrooms to their partners. They say it's fine, which is obviously their prerogative.
I couldn't do that. I left my marriage, for different reasons when I was mid thirties. Tough with 2 primary age boys at the time, but best thing I ever did.

Very happy for the last 15 years now with my partner and I definitely don't want to lose that connection that sex gives me.
I'd leave in your position.

I left not only for this reason but others as well six months on I’ve lost weight eating much better so happy in my self. I’d rather never have sex again than be in a miserable sexless marriage. Yes it’s tough money wise but 24 month times I’ll be free of all debts. Life I for me has got better.

Are you able to communicate to your DH how you feel about this? You say that he's fine with it, does he know that you're not?

However you resolve this in the end, I would only use divorce to resolve this issue if you've truly exhausted every other avenue, as it may not be the answer to the good sex life you want, and will definitely give you another set of issues to resolve instead.

My husband and I stopped having sex about 3-4 years ago due to his mental health issues and ED. He attempted it periodically but it was always shit. He felt bad about it and it made his mental health even worse. He just stuck his head in the sand and tbh so did I. It ruined our intimacy and put a death toll on what had been a fabulous marriage.

We aren't together anymore, it makes me sad but I'd have been even sadder if we'd stayed together. I have a chance to have a great life, which I am building now. I know I'll be happier than I've ever been. If I could go back to the early days of our marriage, I'd go back in a heartbeat, but that's never going to be possible, he's just a completely different man now, miserable and beaten down.

I can only comment on sex drive. I am 46 this year. I divorced my husband 5 years ago for a variety of reasons but our sex life had been very little since DD was born 5 years before that so for 10 years I've had very little. I assumed I had lost interest, was ok with it, wasn't too bothered... 6 months ago I met a new guy and I have re-found my libido! We see each other every Friday night and every other Saturday night. We are at it like rabbits! Twice a night, morning sex, returning to bed in the afternoon for a bit of fun... I feel like I am 20 again. It's wonderful.

I can't tell you whether you should leave your DH but pleased don't assume that come 45 you'll no longer enjoy sex. With the right partner you can still be very sexually active and enthusiastic!

We're all getting older, there is a much higher percentage of men with ED. What's to say the next one will be more able for sex?

It's a complex issue isn't it, are you genuinely leaving because you want sex, or is it something else? I can't imagine leaving an otherwise perfect relationship just for a weekly shag, so maybe there are.other issues?

Have you tried joint therapy or counselling? I'd never advise anyone to break up a non abusive relationship unless they've tried that. It sounds like you love and respect each other but you're in a cycle, and therapy will always help with that

^ sorry, I somehow missed the part of your post where you suggested it. I'd force the issue with him on that tbh

I can't imagine leaving an otherwise perfect relationship just for a weekly shag, so maybe thereare.otherissues?

I can. And if I were in the OP's (and childfree) position, I'd have left long ago. But she's not childfree and it's just considering what would be in the best interests of the child that would keep me there.

My first marriage was largely sexless. Even when we had sex it was over so fast it was pointless. It was a soul destroying lonely place to be.

I've been remarried over 20 years and the sex is still fabulous, that feeling of connection from sex is hard to replicate.

Coming at from a different angle, if the roles were reversed, and your DH wanted sex but you didn’t, how you feel if he decided to dump you after. 23 year marriage because you didn’t want sex any more ?

If you are otherwise happily married, it would be very harsh to leave the poor guy because of this alone.

If she was happily married she wouldn't be posting.

Wanting to have a sex life isn't some frivolous aspiration.

Perhaps OP would be more open to rectifying the problem

'then I suggested going to the GP or getting some viagra etc or trying counselling. DH didn't follow up on any of these. When I suggested therapy, he asked why as he thought everything is fine.'

What more can she do? He doesn't want the situation to change,

How much have to discussed this with your DH? Is he aware how big an issue this is for you? Maybe I'm wrong but from your post it sounds as if maybe communication has not been great between you around sex. It might help you both focus your minds if you can actually communicate what you want, whether that is a platonic relationship, a sexual relationship or no relationship- he may be open to therapy etc if he knows that this is potentially the end of your marriage.

Thanks for all the replies. I will try and reply to all the questions as I hope that will help me identify a way forward.
@acpk55 - I think if the roles were reversed and my DH had tried over the years to be supportive, speak about it, make suggestions about how things could improve but I didn't take up any of those options I would have to accept that he had a right to think, what now?

@YRGAM I suggested joint counselling several times over the years. The last time I suggested it he looked perplexed and said but why everything's fine. I said I wasn't happy and didn't think things were fine but the conversation faded and I didn't push it. I'm currently about to start my own counselling to help me identify what I should do.

@SilentParrot my DD is 10. And I agree I am trying to weigh up my desires with my daughters need for a stable home life. But I also think, what message am I ultimately giving her if I stay in a mediocre situation that's slowly suffocating me. Would I advise her to stay if she was in my position? I don't know?!

I do get on with him, but we live essentially separate lives these days. We don't go out together socially, we often eat separately (I'll eat with my daughter and he prefers later on), we spend the evenings in different rooms doing different things. I have issues with how much he drinks and have raised that over the years but he hasn't changed his habits. But we are kind to each other, there is no spite or bitterness between us. he is essentially a friend who I am bringing a child up with.

@Seas164 yes I have told my husband I am desperately unhappy and I've moved out of the shared bedroom as I felt it was a farce sleeping in the bed together. I have tried talking to him but he always finds a reason to postpone it - it's too late in the evening, our daughter is around, he's tired etc. he has acknowledged that he's avoiding the discussion but then makes no moves to have the discussion.

@Iwrotethissong I wouldn't want to start a relationship with someone with ED, I'd walk away. The reason I can't just walk away now is there is a child involved and 20 plus years of shared history. I think there probably are other issues - not spending time together, no common shared interests etc, but I think they are magnified because there isn't any sex to bond us together. If we did have regular sex, maybe we'd want to spend an evening together watching a box set etc.

@Hbh17 I'm not sure I am happy in a sexless marriage. The thought of this being my future is devastating

I don't think it's helpful to frame him as "the poor guy". She's suggested the GP, Viagara, and couples counselling so OP has at least hinted that there is an issue and he hasn't followed up on any of them, because he feels there is not.

He might have accepted the status quo because he doesn't know how deeply you feel about it. I'd be throwing everything at this before pushing the divorce button. (I'm happily divorced).

At best he's in denial, ED isn't a comfortable place. I'd absolutely try to have some open discussion with him about this, because if you're not able to even talk about sex with him, it's really unlikely you're ever going to be able to have good sex with him.

Esther Perel has some really interesting work on sex in long term relationships, there's heaps on Spotify and YouTube, she's got an interesting perspective.

Cross post, ok then, well you've made your position very clear. Book an appointment with a couples therapist, let him have the date and time and say you'll see him there. You can either talk about your sex life with him present, or talk about how you feel about continuing the relationship if he doesn't turn up.

Maybe you use this as your tipping point then And go with the suggestion by @Seas164 if he doesn’t engage then the relationship is over?

Please don’t assume that your friends are not having sex just bc they don’t share a bedroom. In our case, sleeping separately at night, means we have the energy to have sex during the day!