Sexless marriage - should I leave?

[tristwch]

Name changed because this is such a private issues, but I really need some advice and don't feel I can talk to anyone in rl.

I have been with my DH for 23 years, married for 13. We have one DD, and a long history of infertility, ivf, multiple miscarriages (which may be relevant?).

I would never say our sex life has been great, overall I'd say I had the higher sex drive but over the years there has obviously been highs and lows.

However, we haven't really had sex for 5 years now. I think we have attempted it 3-4 times over that period of time and before that sex was very infrequent.

For a while I thought it was me with peri menopause causing dryness/tightness but some self exploring has shown that not to be true.

The last 3-4 times we've tried DH has struggled to maintain an erection. At first I ignored and said no worries, then I suggested going to the GP or getting some viagra etc or trying counselling. DH didn't follow up on any of these. When I suggested therapy, he asked why as he thought everything is fine.

I now accept that actually even if he did do any of these things, I don't actually want to have sex with him anymore. We get on really well but it's purely platonic now, and I have recently moved into the spare bedroom.

I'm only in my 40s and the thought of spending the rest of my life without sex is depressing. There is a part of me saying, you can't do this, you can't stay in a sexless marriage, jn 10 years time you will regret this. You need a chance at happiness in a more rounded fulfilling relationship. But another part of me is thinking - 23 years is a hell of a lot to throw away just because I want regular decent sex! And who knows maybe in 5 years I won't want sex!

It's a big decision to leave a marriage, and should I leave an essentially good man because of sexual incompatibility? What's best for our daughter? Not to mention the financial implications - we would have to sell and move to afford two smaller places.

I really don't know what to do. But I feel like I can't carry on like this. Can anyone help me try and navigate all of this?

Sorry if I've waffled or not given the right info for people to help, I just feel so sad and desperate. Writing this has made me cry.

Good advice.

You need a secret fwb

I don't think a secret FWB would solve anything. I think it would just pile on the stress!

we do get on with him, but we live essentially separate lives these days. We don't go out together socially, we often eat separately (I'll eat with my daughter and he prefers later on), we spend the evenings in different rooms doing different things. I have issues with how much he drinks and have raised that over the years but he hasn't changed his habits. But we are kind to each other, there is no spite or bitterness between us. he is essentially a friend who I am bringing a child up with.

Tbh I think this ^^ is all more of an issue than your sex life or lack of. The kindness is good but to have sex together you need to want to go out together and dress up a bit and see one another on top form. Why do you eat separately: is that his choice or yours? Why do you not want to do anything together in the evening?

Why is your dh drinking so much?

Is it him who has withdrawn emotionally from family life?

[Sorry that is a lot of questions.]

‘I do get on with him, but we live essentially separate lives these days. We don't go out together socially, we often eat separately (I'll eat with my daughter and he prefers later on), we spend the evenings in different rooms doing different things. I have issues with how much he drinks and have raised that over the years but he hasn't changed his habits’

OP, this isn’t just about sex, or the lack of it, is it?

if you read your own words in someone else’s post, would you think ‘ oh, that sounds like a great relationship?’

I think your marriage is over, and you need to formalise this situation ( and I’m usually an advocate for seeing the positive, finding a way through, not throwing the baby out with the bath water etc) . You don’t need to have sex to watch a box set together, you know. You just need a friend.

True but for a while you might be so blissed out you don't notice!
It sounds like he's not really a sex person, if you ignore that part of yourself it might just wither and die.... if that's what you want 🤷

@Spriggedcotton88 often one of us is working, or he's not hungry that early. Or he/I makes dinner for us and we both just help ourselves and go off to separate rooms out of habit. He's always been a heavy drinker. A few years ago it really upset me and I would talk to him about it all the time, but it caused arguments and he didn't see it as a problem or change and so I simply stopped raising it. What was the point? I can't force someone to change, I can only point out how unhealthy it was (I don't drink) and antisocial, he has to feel he wants to do stop for him stop.
I wouldn't say he's emotionally withdrawn from the family. I think it's me who has done that. I feel I've reached a point where I think I can't carry on like this, living a sham, even if we are kind and respectful to each other. Something fundamental is missing - otherwise I may as well be living with my parents (not that I'd want to - dear lord! but hopefully that explains what I mean?)

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen you are probably right. It's easy to pretend everything else is ok because there are no stand up rows and being mean or silent treatment.

I guess I don't want to spend the evening watching a box set with someone downing a bottle of wine whilst we do. It's just a turn off for me. I'd rather just do my own thing.

Do you think he is an alcoholic? The drinking could explain the lack of interest in sex and certainly the ED.

The issue really is why he won't go to his GP or even do the chemist online to get the Viagra. He must see you are unhappy and unfulfilled but is actively choosing to avoid trying to resolve the situation. You are too young to give up on sex. I am 60 and still have sex with DH, not as often as we used to but still regularly. I would not want to give that up. I'd try one more time by writing him a letter stating you are unhappy with no sex and want him to get some Viagra, by an online chemist if he can't face going to see his GP, but if he refuses to get treatment and effectively deprived you of sex then you consider your marriage is over and will be seeking a divorce on grounds on no longer compatible.

I think the issue now is I don't want him to go to the chemist or GP. I don't feel attracted to him like that anymore.

I tried for years to address it (admittedly I probably didn't push it as much as I should have, but I was definitely clear that he needed to go to GP or chemist and he said he would but never did).

I can't imagine desiring him again, but that doesn't mean my sex drive has disappeared. I just feel it's too late to sort with him.

My dilemma is do I stay because it's not awful, and that would keep a stable home for our daughter etc or do I leave so I have the chance to have a sexual relationship in the future.

I would think that a bottle of wine a day every day would make you a dependent drinker.

He sounds like an alcoholic - AA for friends and families of alcoholics is enlightening (it's a book, there are also group meetings).

I'd say he's using alcohol to soothe himself and for him that is incompatible with having a sex life, it's working for him or he's happy enough with it to not want to make the effort to change.

It does sound like the marriage is over. A long gone sex life, a drink problem, living as housemates rather than as a family. And the fact he refuses to face any issues.

Have you told him you're considering leaving because of this?

I think honest (but diplomatic) communication is where you need to go here.

I'm 51 this summer and I still have a good sex drive and I wouldn't stay in this relationship. But there are as has been mentioned several pros and cons that you need to balance.

I raised dd as a single mum, it was hard especially financially but it was worth it not to be in a miserable relationship.

Is it really just the sex that's the issue or is the relationship actually dead in terms of emotional intimacy also?

Are you in effect simply flatmates that co-parent?

I do get on with him, but we live essentially separate lives these days.

That to me sounds as if the relationship is dead, not just

@tristwch I would leave. I definitely think the alcohol goes hand in hand with the lack of sex. I think if you had an otherwise happy marriage, with affection and quality time together but no sex, I would stay. But your situation is completely different, you are living separate lives and he is putting alcohol first before his marriage and child and he refuses to do anything about it, he’s just burying his head. If you do leave, it’s not you who ended the relationship - it sounds like he did that ages ago. I also think his drinking will only get worse as he gets older.

So do I stay, because it's not horrendous and is probably better for my daughter or do I leave? Knowing that I'm pulling everything apart and that her life will be worse (having to leave this home, split between two smaller properties, new area and new school plus poorer parents so less treats and holidays etc) because of it.

Posted too soon, not just the sex is the issue, he's not actively being in the relationship

Alcohol abuse also not ideal for your dad to be living in the shadow of. And yes may well be the cause of the ED/low libido.

As a certain other poster always says, his primary relationship would appear to be with the booze not you or your dd.

Being a single parent doesn't mean your dd wouldn't have a stable home, you seem to think that's always the case.

I would leave in your shoes, I'd have left long ago tbh

I feel that a solo bottle of wine a night, eating in seperate rooms, sleeping in seperate beds, and refusing to talk about or take action to remedy your sex life for years is opting out of the relationship in all but address.

In the circumstances you describe I'm not sure it is in your child's interests to stay.

If you left him it might force him to look at why he's unhappy instead of anaesthetising himself every night with a bottle of wine
Or he might just choose a bigger dose of anaesthetic
Not that it would be your problem OP🤷

Ive been where you were, and had an affair because I couldn't bear to break up my family but desperately wanted to feel wanted and desired. Left my marriage eventually, and have since found a man who i love and fancy the arse off and who matches my sex drive (which had withered away with a DH who was awful in bed).

I did struggle with feeling like I'd have to explain to our kids that their lives were uprooted because mummy needed a decent shag... But honestly the bad infrequent sex was also a symptom of selfishness on his part that played out in other ways to.

I wouldn't recommend an affair, but it did give me the confidence to leave after years of being made to feel undesirable.

Would he agree to open up the marriage? Perhaps with his initial approval you could then do 'don't ask don't tell '.

There are thousands of men out there in similarly sexless marriages, who don't want to leave, looking for the same solution

I’m quite surprised by your answer saying that it’s perhaps you that have emotionally withdrawn op, when it’s your dh who seems to have removed himself in terms of actions eg eating together, sleeping together, going out together. Love is a verb.

How is he emotionally present if he’s drinking every night? Surely he’s drinking to block out stuff rather than to give him the courage to engage? And if he was emotionally present he would be talking to you about the ED and your unhappiness and frustration? (I hope that doesn’t sound harsh; I know this is really sad and shit for you 💐.)

How many days does he go without alcohol if ever? If he is a functioning alcoholic and this situation has led you to question your marriage that it’s the marriage and the attraction between you, rather than be open about the elephant in the room (that comes in a bottle), then I’d say that’s quite a profound deception tbh. I’d be really cross about it. But I know these things can creep up on one or can be complicated and unclear.

As for your dd; how engaged a parent is he? Twenty-three years is a long time but your dd is only young. Don’t underestimate the effects of having an unhappy mother. It might be easier on her to leave now before she hits the full maelstrom of adolescence. Teens need good role models and she will be watching you both. (Sorry to pile on the pressure but it’s true.)

Sorry op that second paragraph of mine doesn’t make any sense but I hope you catch the drift!