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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sexless marriage - should I leave?

79 replies

tristwch · 22/05/2023 10:23

Name changed because this is such a private issues, but I really need some advice and don't feel I can talk to anyone in rl.

I have been with my DH for 23 years, married for 13. We have one DD, and a long history of infertility, ivf, multiple miscarriages (which may be relevant?).

I would never say our sex life has been great, overall I'd say I had the higher sex drive but over the years there has obviously been highs and lows.

However, we haven't really had sex for 5 years now. I think we have attempted it 3-4 times over that period of time and before that sex was very infrequent.

For a while I thought it was me with peri menopause causing dryness/tightness but some self exploring has shown that not to be true.

The last 3-4 times we've tried DH has struggled to maintain an erection. At first I ignored and said no worries, then I suggested going to the GP or getting some viagra etc or trying counselling. DH didn't follow up on any of these. When I suggested therapy, he asked why as he thought everything is fine.

I now accept that actually even if he did do any of these things, I don't actually want to have sex with him anymore. We get on really well but it's purely platonic now, and I have recently moved into the spare bedroom.

I'm only in my 40s and the thought of spending the rest of my life without sex is depressing. There is a part of me saying, you can't do this, you can't stay in a sexless marriage, jn 10 years time you will regret this. You need a chance at happiness in a more rounded fulfilling relationship. But another part of me is thinking - 23 years is a hell of a lot to throw away just because I want regular decent sex! And who knows maybe in 5 years I won't want sex!

It's a big decision to leave a marriage, and should I leave an essentially good man because of sexual incompatibility? What's best for our daughter? Not to mention the financial implications - we would have to sell and move to afford two smaller places.

I really don't know what to do. But I feel like I can't carry on like this. Can anyone help me try and navigate all of this?

Sorry if I've waffled or not given the right info for people to help, I just feel so sad and desperate. Writing this has made me cry.

OP posts:
Thesharkradar · 22/05/2023 13:33

ArcticSkewer · 22/05/2023 13:26

Would he agree to open up the marriage? Perhaps with his initial approval you could then do 'don't ask don't tell '.

There are thousands of men out there in similarly sexless marriages, who don't want to leave, looking for the same solution

At the very least if you raise the subject his response will give you information about what's really going on which can help you to refine your ultimate strategy.

Spriggedcotton88 · 22/05/2023 13:33

Oh dear! Third not second! 🤷‍♀️

roarfeckingroarr · 22/05/2023 13:39

@tristwch I'm in a very similar situation and I'm leaving.

Annasgirl · 22/05/2023 13:46

Leave OP. My friend was in a similar situation and left - she has since met someone amazing, in her mid 40s and is living her best life. You only get one shot at life - don’t waste any more of yours with him. Even if you don’t meet someone else, you will still have a happier life.

DustyLee123 · 22/05/2023 14:00

SilentParrot · 22/05/2023 12:08

'then I suggested going to the GP or getting some viagra etc or trying counselling. DH didn't follow up on any of these. When I suggested therapy, he asked why as he thought everything is fine.'

What more can she do? He doesn't want the situation to change,

Show quote history

If you read what I quoted first you’ll work it out.

Naunet · 22/05/2023 14:05

Iwrotethissong · 22/05/2023 11:26

We're all getting older, there is a much higher percentage of men with ED. What's to say the next one will be more able for sex?

It's a complex issue isn't it, are you genuinely leaving because you want sex, or is it something else? I can't imagine leaving an otherwise perfect relationship just for a weekly shag, so maybe there are.other issues?

You’re struggling to understand women have a sex drive? Really? I get it’s often minimised on here as unimportant, but I believe women’s sexuality is just as important and valid as a males.

MapoTofuLettuce · 22/05/2023 14:13

I think you are maybe underselling the problem a bit, OP. Initially you present it as just being about sex but everything else you've said seems as important if not more so- the drinking, emotional disengagement, the fact you don't have any shared interests, don't eat together, separate rooms. It really sounds as if it's a lot more than just a sex issue.

I appreciate you are concerned about the impact on your daughter but do also consider the impact on her of staying- the model you are giving her for relationships and alcohol. I realise that sounds harsh- I don't mean it harshly at all but just want to be clear that you leaving also has upsides for your daughter, especially if you can do it in a calm and conscious way.

MsMandy · 22/05/2023 14:44

@Spriggedcotton88 fair point. It would still be a dealbreaker for me, I want to share a bed with my partner but I get that others are different.

Spriggedcotton88 · 22/05/2023 15:19

MsMandy · 22/05/2023 14:44

@Spriggedcotton88 fair point. It would still be a dealbreaker for me, I want to share a bed with my partner but I get that others are different.

My DH and I do share a bed and it's very important to us that we do. We just part ways to actually sleep sometimes!

Original poster
tristwch · 22/05/2023 17:10

Thank you for all these comments, questions and observations. It's really helped me to start thinking about things differently.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 22/05/2023 17:25

YY @Naunet we would not be seeing that kind of minimization on here if the genders were reversed.

Unfortunately there is STILL a lot of misogynistic attitudes when it comes to women and sexual needs. Why arent these men who have these issues making an effort with non PIV sex. Im pretty sure ED does not also include a paralysed touugne or fingers.

orangekiwiloot · 22/05/2023 17:39

tristwch · 22/05/2023 12:12

Thanks for all the replies. I will try and reply to all the questions as I hope that will help me identify a way forward.
@acpk55 - I think if the roles were reversed and my DH had tried over the years to be supportive, speak about it, make suggestions about how things could improve but I didn't take up any of those options I would have to accept that he had a right to think, what now?

@YRGAM I suggested joint counselling several times over the years. The last time I suggested it he looked perplexed and said but why everything's fine. I said I wasn't happy and didn't think things were fine but the conversation faded and I didn't push it. I'm currently about to start my own counselling to help me identify what I should do.

@SilentParrot my DD is 10. And I agree I am trying to weigh up my desires with my daughters need for a stable home life. But I also think, what message am I ultimately giving her if I stay in a mediocre situation that's slowly suffocating me. Would I advise her to stay if she was in my position? I don't know?!

I do get on with him, but we live essentially separate lives these days. We don't go out together socially, we often eat separately (I'll eat with my daughter and he prefers later on), we spend the evenings in different rooms doing different things. I have issues with how much he drinks and have raised that over the years but he hasn't changed his habits. But we are kind to each other, there is no spite or bitterness between us. he is essentially a friend who I am bringing a child up with.

@Seas164 yes I have told my husband I am desperately unhappy and I've moved out of the shared bedroom as I felt it was a farce sleeping in the bed together. I have tried talking to him but he always finds a reason to postpone it - it's too late in the evening, our daughter is around, he's tired etc. he has acknowledged that he's avoiding the discussion but then makes no moves to have the discussion.

@Iwrotethissong I wouldn't want to start a relationship with someone with ED, I'd walk away. The reason I can't just walk away now is there is a child involved and 20 plus years of shared history. I think there probably are other issues - not spending time together, no common shared interests etc, but I think they are magnified because there isn't any sex to bond us together. If we did have regular sex, maybe we'd want to spend an evening together watching a box set etc.

@Hbh17 I'm not sure I am happy in a sexless marriage. The thought of this being my future is devastating

This sounds like it goes waaaaay deeper that not getting a shag!

JenniferBooth · 22/05/2023 17:48

Its much more than not just getting a shag A lot of men wont even hug you in case that will lead to an expectation of more. So the intimacy and physical affection disappears too. You dont really understand this unless you have been there.

Summertimesmile · 22/05/2023 18:06

OP I could have written your post myself almost word for word. I stayed because we got oh well generally despite zero intimacy and I didn’t want to uproot the children. Sadly my DH died unexpectedly and I found myself single. I don’t think I would ever have had the guts to leave him but with hindsight I can see I should have. I have a partner now of 3 years and we have a wonderful sex life, he’s in his 50’s and looking back I can see how important an intimate relationship is for me

Bansheed · 22/05/2023 18:25

I left.l at 44. Spent two years getting my life together and career restarted and playing around with younger men. Met my DP OLD and haven't looked back. We are hypersexual.still, two years in, and get married shortly. Very happy. It wasn't always easy but it really is now. He is 51. No ED.

JenniferBooth · 22/05/2023 18:34

@Bansheed Congrats on your upcoming wedding Flowers

Beachqueen · 22/07/2024 23:22

So glad I found this old thread, I'm now in the OP's position and wondering what you did in the end, if you see this, thanks.

Gofo · 23/07/2024 15:34

Beachqueen · 22/07/2024 23:22

So glad I found this old thread, I'm now in the OP's position and wondering what you did in the end, if you see this, thanks.

Might be better starting a thread as these old ones tend not to get an answer off the OP when resurrected.

MrsCoyote · 23/07/2024 17:16

tristwch · 22/05/2023 17:10

Thank you for all these comments, questions and observations. It's really helped me to start thinking about things differently.

@tristwch I would like to know what you decided to to and how are things now?

Beachqueen · 23/07/2024 17:36

Yes I hope you feel at peace with whatever path you choose and things are going well.

Original poster
tristwch · 23/07/2024 17:59

Hello, thanks for tagging me. I will reply as it is always really interesting to see where people end up a year down the line. So…

I am still married, and we do still live together. However, I have now started a relationship with someone else. My husband is aware of this, and we discussed it and agreed we will continue to live together and co-parent until our child is older- potentially once in secondary school, but perhaps longer depending on life in general, how we both feel, what we think is best for our child and also practically what we can afford financially.

I spend some time away from home, which I have to do for work reasons anyway, so my relationship happens then and there rather than on encroaching onto “home”.

In many ways things haven’t changed at home, the dynamic is exactly the same. There are no arguments, life chores are equally divided, but we spend no time alone together.

I feel both happier and sadder with where I am now. It is wonderful to have a new relationship and be fulfilled sexually, but it’s also quite sad that I had to start a different relationship and of course I constantly worry that this might not be the best thing for our child. But it’s a happy environment at home, and seems to work for us right now, so who am I to judge what is right or wrong?

happy to answer any questions.

OP posts:
Beachqueen · 24/07/2024 09:12

Hello, thank you for taking the time to reply. I'm in such a similar position to your original post and feel like I need to make a huge decision. Whichever way I choose feels heartbreaking at the moment as I still care deeply about my OH, but I know that I need more. It's good that you can work your relationship around your work and that it's working out for you as a family. I totally understand being happier in some respects and sadder in others. It's so much more complicated with a child or children involved. No-one should judge anyone else's position. You've been honest and open with your OH and you've worked to provide the best life for your child. I think you took a brave decision, it seems easier to just get by and ignore your feelings sometimes. I worry that I would never meet anyone else too, which isn't a reason to stay of course. It's good that you've met someone and I hope it works out for you.

housemaus · 24/07/2024 10:03

Iwrotethissong · 22/05/2023 11:26

We're all getting older, there is a much higher percentage of men with ED. What's to say the next one will be more able for sex?

It's a complex issue isn't it, are you genuinely leaving because you want sex, or is it something else? I can't imagine leaving an otherwise perfect relationship just for a weekly shag, so maybe there are.other issues?

Every time there's a thread like this, there's a response like this, and it's so depressing. OP obviously isn't after 'a weekly shag', which your derisive tone suggests you think it'll be maintenance missionary and job done.

She's after a well-rounded sexual relationship, which is a normal thing to want - there doesn't need to be 'something else' going on. I hate that threads like this often end up with posters implying wanting sex is somehow a bit silly or asking a bit much if the relationship is otherwise fine - if my car was otherwise fine but the clutch had gone, then it's not fine, is it?

Starlight1979 · 24/07/2024 11:01

I'm not sure I am happy in a sexless marriage. The thought of this being my future is devastating

I think this says it all. You're unhappy. You say you pretty much lead separate lives anyway.

I agree with others who say maybe a relationship / sex therapist would help (that is on the basis that you actually do still fancy your DH though??) but if he refuses to engage then I would move on. Life is too short.

FWIW I was in a pretty much sexless relationship for 10 years and had come to the conclusion that I just wasn't really bothered about sex. I can confirm that was categorically untrue. Ex-DP had MH issues and struggled to maintain an erection but didn't want to do anything about it and, like your DH, thought everything was "fine". Over time we became more like housemates and I thought that was my lot. The relationship ended for a number of reasons (no infidelity) and weirdly the lack of sex wasn't even the biggest issue!

I am now with someone who I am hugely attracted to (and vice versa), who makes me feel desired and who I have an amazing sex life with. The difference in me - both physically and mentally - is unreal! If it matters to you OP then it will always be an issue and you won't be happy until it is resolved one way or another...

(Just read the OPs update on this "old" thread so my post was pointless 😂)

Beachqueen · 24/07/2024 13:32

I'm the same, it's soul destroying to think that this is it. I met with an old friend recently and her partner has ED, but they still have lots of intimacy and affection, I think this is the huge difference. It's not always about the main deed but everything that goes with it which is missing. @Starlight1979 that's great to hear, it takes strength to walk away, it's good to hear such a positive outcome!

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