Sexless marriage - should I leave?

[tristwch]

Name changed because this is such a private issues, but I really need some advice and don't feel I can talk to anyone in rl.

I have been with my DH for 23 years, married for 13. We have one DD, and a long history of infertility, ivf, multiple miscarriages (which may be relevant?).

I would never say our sex life has been great, overall I'd say I had the higher sex drive but over the years there has obviously been highs and lows.

However, we haven't really had sex for 5 years now. I think we have attempted it 3-4 times over that period of time and before that sex was very infrequent.

For a while I thought it was me with peri menopause causing dryness/tightness but some self exploring has shown that not to be true.

The last 3-4 times we've tried DH has struggled to maintain an erection. At first I ignored and said no worries, then I suggested going to the GP or getting some viagra etc or trying counselling. DH didn't follow up on any of these. When I suggested therapy, he asked why as he thought everything is fine.

I now accept that actually even if he did do any of these things, I don't actually want to have sex with him anymore. We get on really well but it's purely platonic now, and I have recently moved into the spare bedroom.

I'm only in my 40s and the thought of spending the rest of my life without sex is depressing. There is a part of me saying, you can't do this, you can't stay in a sexless marriage, jn 10 years time you will regret this. You need a chance at happiness in a more rounded fulfilling relationship. But another part of me is thinking - 23 years is a hell of a lot to throw away just because I want regular decent sex! And who knows maybe in 5 years I won't want sex!

It's a big decision to leave a marriage, and should I leave an essentially good man because of sexual incompatibility? What's best for our daughter? Not to mention the financial implications - we would have to sell and move to afford two smaller places.

I really don't know what to do. But I feel like I can't carry on like this. Can anyone help me try and navigate all of this?

Sorry if I've waffled or not given the right info for people to help, I just feel so sad and desperate. Writing this has made me cry.

I really feel for you because I'm in exactly this situation myself. At one point I thought I'd figured out a solution - buy a small flat nearby (which we could just about stretch to), and take turns rotating in and out of it while our child lived full time in the family home. We agreed to this plan and I was from that point free to see other men. What I then discovered is that I can't do casual sex - at least, I couldn't then. I got very attached to a man who basically said "call me when you're divorced - till then, I'll keep dating other women". And I can see why - a lot of men do want a woman to be fully "theirs" and not half-in half-out. Having had that experience, I feel pretty burnt by the whole thing, and err towards thinking that making the best of things and giving my child a stable home is more important than pouring my energies into men. But that's not a perfect solution either, and (like you) I really don't know what to do. What I won't compromise on is my child's home, school and lifestyle. That's about all I do know.

Oh, sorry @tristwch - I hadn't spotted your update! Thank you for taking the time to update the thread, which I hadn't realised was old 🙃

May I ask what your new partner thinks of the situation? Does it suit him? (I ask since I got burnt with someone who was freaked out by it!)

Sorry, more questions, if I may... Do you still wear your wedding ring? Do your families and friends know about it? This is really a big part of what keeps me here - the thought of explaining the whole thing to the world. Whenever I have talked about it with anyone, they never seem to understand, and it's kind of an embarrassing subject too. Embarrassing that I've lived with it for so long too.