First argument in new relationship, feel absolutely horrible!

[AlwaysReadyNeverSteady]

Been in new relationship for approx 4 months. He's a wonderful man. I'm absolutely head over heels in love with him.
Had a pretty crappy relationship history, seemed to end up with men who turned out to be quite unkind in one way or another. He's such a breath of fresh air, a kind soul that I feel so lucky to have met.

We had our first argument last night. He'd disclosed to me quite early on in our relationship that his last relationship ended because he cheated. There were no excuses or usual wiggling out of ownership. He fully accepted responsibility and said he felt awful about it and his ex didn't deserve to be treated in that way.
I was glad he'd felt comfortable enough to be honest about it. However, I've been ruminating over it ever since and worrying that his head will be turned again and wondered why I might be different that it wouldn't happen again. I should have voiced my concerns much earlier, I know this. But I didn't and have been building it up in my head for a long time.

Last night, I brought it up and we talked respectfully about it and he reassured me.
A couple of hours later, a friend texted him and said " I've just bumped in to your pal, " mentioning the name of the person he cheated with.
We had had a drink by this point and it got a bit heated. I questioned why his friend would text him that information. He got quite defensive and said he couldn't control people's motivations for texting. I hear what he's saying and we've since made up about it, but I just feel absolutely horrible today. Horrible that we argued, I got quite upset as I've been cheated on in the past. Just horrible that it's kind of tainted the lovely time we'd been having so far.
I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that these first arguments are normal and that it will be ok.

I know we shouldn't have spoken about it with alcohol involved...lesson well and truly learned.

Disagreements are fine in a relationship, healthy even (those couples who say they never disagree.... that means one of them isn't being honest at least some of the time)....

it's all about how it's done. Hopefully you can disagree, listen to each other with respect, understand that it's OK not to hold the same opinion, also be clear on where your own boundaries are and what you're happy to put up with if you disagree on an important issue. Then move on without grudges.

Shouting, aggression, threats and insults are not healthy disagreements IMO.

Relationships can't be all unicorns and rainbows. That's not real life.

It's how you both deal with the disagreemnts that matters.

Thank you for replying @perfectcolourfound

There was definitely no shouting or insults etc. I've been in abusive relationships in the past and that would be an instant deal breaker.

We've been ok with each other today I think, I'm just sad that we did argue. I guess it was mainly a crappy coincidence that his friend texted him what he did. It just got my back up 😬

Hmm.

So when he cheated, was it an ‘exit affair’ where he was already half way out of the relationship beforehand? Or was he very settled but he felt entitled to be deceitful in pursuit of his desires?

What were the circs? And his mate texting about her does smack of her still being an object of desire - like there’s approval there of what he did somehow and has previously been discussed as such.

It’s normal to work out how much you genuinely trust each other. It’s unpleasant to be on the receiving end of mistrust, but it’s also horrible to be betrayed. The way you both handle this argument will in part indicate how much you can trust each other going forward, and will deepen any bond better than quietly bottling up your fears. Some things need to be worked through, not brushed under the rug. I think 4 months in, is a good time to do it.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I'm glad I brought it u and I felt a lot better after talking about it. We didn't argue as such whilst talking about it. It was only after that text that I got upset (alcohol fuelled too, I accept this)

@whitebreadjamsandwich can I ask why you think this is a red flag?

I would be concerned about that text.

I wouldnt be happy about that text.
Keep your wits about you

Hmm. IME, a man describing to you how he cheated in a previous relationship is basically him telling you who he is. I learned that the hard way.

Did he read the text out to you? How did you know what was in it?

Oh god. I was hoping to be told I was overthinking. He did offer up this information very early on and to be fair there was no way I would have found out otherwise as we have no friends in common and live a fair distance from each other. Whilst ot was difficult to hear, I hoped it was a good sign that he'd been honest.
He told me he'd not seen her for over a year, although they live in the same town

@AutumnCrow he was sat next to me, he's not secretive about his phone, we were looking at something else on his phone at the time when the WhatsApp drop down popped up. He didn't have a shady response or anything, I just questioned why he'd need that information...

So do you know the circumstances around his cheating? How remorseful is he about it? Did he assure you he would do anything like that again, etc?

If you're feeling like this so early on I can't see it getting any better. He's a cheat, and it's already dented your trust.
Also cheats aren't usually kind souls.

@AtrociousCircumstance he said the relationship wasn't going well, they werent really in a good place etc, but he did emphasise that he knew he was at fault and it wasn't an excuse and he got a bit upset while talking about it

The thing that bothers me a bit is that his friend texted it. Is it possible he is one of those men who are two-faced - they act sensitive, complicated, thoughtful, caring, even insecure with women, but Jack-the-lad with their male friends - boasting about their sexual conquests, soliciting incredulous envy from them, showing how easily he gets women eating out of his hand, willing to do anything for him?

Is he ‘charming’ OP?

I think you need to be very careful, OP.

I thought one of my exes was being honest when he told me he cheated before and that he'd never felt the way he felt about me. Massive red flag and he was the worst person I've ever met.

I agree you need to be careful and not too quick to trust everything he says. Four months is still very much early days.

Do you know the friend who texted? Just seems a bit of a shit-stirring thing to do when he's now in a good relationship that (presumably) his mates know about.

I think the mate is either a bit of a nob, in which case your new BF would either ignore or send a response to shut the conversation down. Or your new BF is showing you his 'nice' side whilst playing the 'lad' with his mates.

Tomorrow on Mumsnet:

’Ive been going out with this woman for a few months, I really like her and she seems to like me. Weve been honest about our past relationships, warts and all.

Last night as we were looking at something on my phone, one of my friends messaged me and mentioned that he had bumped into a girl I had a fling with. My new girlfriend lost it and gave me a hard time about it.

I’m beginning to wonder if she is a bit insecure and jealous, is it just going to be too hard work? ‘

What would you do?

Also meant to say, the fact that he cheated in the past, and told you about it, isn't necessarily a red flag imo. People can change, grow up, learn from their mistakes. It's how he deals with that fact now that counts.

Sounds like you drank too much and had a go at him for something he can't control.

Either you can cope with his past or you can't.

Hmmm…my ex husband had an affair and often wonder what he tells new partners about why we separated.

the problem is, it’s not just me he cheated on, he’s done it to every girlfriend I know of and I bet he doesn’t tell them that, so it would be easy to think “people can change/maybe it just wasn’t the right relationship, etc” without knowing the whole truth.

I’d just be really careful if I were you and take things slowly.

It's not necessarily who he is in this relationship though. People can cheat if in a bad relationship (not saying it's right) and then can go onto a healthy relationship and wouldn't dream of cheating.

Hold up a sec, I didn't 'lose it', 'have a go at him' or 'give him a hard time' about it at all.
It made me feel uncomfortable and got a bit upset and wanted clarification.

I don't know the friend that texted, he hasn't replied and said he doesn't know why he texted him what he did.