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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First argument in new relationship, feel absolutely horrible!

94 replies

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 14:36

Been in new relationship for approx 4 months. He's a wonderful man. I'm absolutely head over heels in love with him.
Had a pretty crappy relationship history, seemed to end up with men who turned out to be quite unkind in one way or another. He's such a breath of fresh air, a kind soul that I feel so lucky to have met.

We had our first argument last night. He'd disclosed to me quite early on in our relationship that his last relationship ended because he cheated. There were no excuses or usual wiggling out of ownership. He fully accepted responsibility and said he felt awful about it and his ex didn't deserve to be treated in that way.
I was glad he'd felt comfortable enough to be honest about it. However, I've been ruminating over it ever since and worrying that his head will be turned again and wondered why I might be different that it wouldn't happen again. I should have voiced my concerns much earlier, I know this. But I didn't and have been building it up in my head for a long time.

Last night, I brought it up and we talked respectfully about it and he reassured me.
A couple of hours later, a friend texted him and said " I've just bumped in to your pal, " mentioning the name of the person he cheated with.
We had had a drink by this point and it got a bit heated. I questioned why his friend would text him that information. He got quite defensive and said he couldn't control people's motivations for texting. I hear what he's saying and we've since made up about it, but I just feel absolutely horrible today. Horrible that we argued, I got quite upset as I've been cheated on in the past. Just horrible that it's kind of tainted the lovely time we'd been having so far.
I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that these first arguments are normal and that it will be ok.

I know we shouldn't have spoken about it with alcohol involved...lesson well and truly learned.

OP posts:
Livinghappy · 21/05/2023 17:46

@C2190 A "mistake"...to lie and deceive a partner, assuming for a period of time. It isn't a mistake it's a choice to disrespect your partner.

Op, listen to your instincts, trust yourself but remember 4 months is no time at all, it take at least 2 years to know someone

FFF3 · 21/05/2023 17:49

I don’t think you’ll ever trust him fully, which is no basis for a relationship. This particular argument will rear its head again, and only get worse because you’ll get more familiar.

BSB30 · 21/05/2023 17:50

People do change. A toxic relationship for example can end up in people doing things they wouldn't normally do. Once they get out of that relationship, they can then work on themselves and move onto a more healthy relationship which could be completely different with each party remaining faithful.

So OP, I wouldn't put any weight on what happened in his previous relationship.

ChairFloorWall · 21/05/2023 17:53

That kind of text is what people do to wind each other up. You’re looking too far into the text itself.

Xrays · 21/05/2023 17:58

ChairFloorWall · 21/05/2023 17:53

That kind of text is what people do to wind each other up. You’re looking too far into the text itself.

It is but it’s also quite revealing because it shows that the woman was quite significant as the friend uses it to tease the ops boyfriend. I can’t imagine my friend bothering to text me that she’d seen my ex in town for example. Total non event. So why is he messaging that? Says a lot really.

Pickledmeg · 21/05/2023 18:08

Xrays · 21/05/2023 17:58

It is but it’s also quite revealing because it shows that the woman was quite significant as the friend uses it to tease the ops boyfriend. I can’t imagine my friend bothering to text me that she’d seen my ex in town for example. Total non event. So why is he messaging that? Says a lot really.

Show quote history

People are different and find different things humorous, it doesn't suggest she's significant beyond his mate knows who she is.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 18:20

@Xrays yes, that's what concerned me. I don't think my friends would text me about an ex of mine they'd seen. It wouldn't be something that I needed to know.

Bloody hell, I don't know what to think. It's exhausting!

OP posts:
DreamingCatTwitches · 21/05/2023 18:34

I think there could be something significant about the ex.

Maybe she is really full-on, perhaps creating scenes or trying to get into everyone’s pants, or is openly determined to get him back. The cliche ‘bunny boiler’ from basic instinct.

Maybe she ended it with him, he took it hard and he isn’t over it.

Maybe he was really cowardly, ended it with her, without giving her proper closure, perhaps lying or ‘disappearing’, or treated her badly in some other way, so now his friends warn him when she’s around because he might want to lie low.

Maybe his mate fancies her and said basically ‘if you’re not into her then I’m going in’.

Maybe his friend is a bit weird and inappropriate- perhaps a bit of a stirrer who likes to needle people about things they’d rather forget.

It’s all guessing. The truth will unfold in its own time I’m sure.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 18:37

Tbh I wish I'd never even been told about it. At the time I thought it was quite a brave thing to confess so early on, but now I wish I didn't know.

OP posts:
DreamingCatTwitches · 21/05/2023 18:39

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 18:37

Tbh I wish I'd never even been told about it. At the time I thought it was quite a brave thing to confess so early on, but now I wish I didn't know.

Have a heart to heart with him about it in a few days time. If he is the real deal, you’ll only end up closer.

Xrays · 21/05/2023 18:41

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 18:37

Tbh I wish I'd never even been told about it. At the time I thought it was quite a brave thing to confess so early on, but now I wish I didn't know.

I think you just need to proceed with caution. 4 months is barely any time at all. You don’t really know each other, it’s all “honeymoon” at this stage and it’s wise to be a little reserved. I’ve learnt the hard way!

DreamingCatTwitches · 21/05/2023 18:42

FWIW I don’t think it sounds like he is currently cheating on you OP, but it’s pretty normal to want to go deeper into a relationship with someone at this point and to know that you can trust them. It’s a good thing to banish any misgivings through communication.

oakleaffy · 21/05/2023 18:42

foxandbee · 21/05/2023 15:27

Hmm. IME, a man describing to you how he cheated in a previous relationship is basically him telling you who he is. I learned that the hard way.

Yes- me too!
It’s like they are almost proud of it ( Cheating) and are in a round about way warning that they can do it again. ( Mine did! )

I’d not have wanted to know.

Livelifelaughter · 21/05/2023 19:23

I wouldn't be bothered about the friend's text...but I do wonder if that is what is really bothering you or if it's understandably a bit of annoyance that the OW knows the friend you haven't met him.

My ex bf told me about his affairs when he was marriage and said he was a different person then. I found it difficult to honestly not feel a bit anxious when he had female friends but that subsided with time.

What I found in the relationship though was that he wasn't very open and his life was quite compartmentalised which I think was a product of the secrecy that goes with an affair. He found it difficult to be in a normal relationship because he hadn't been in one for many years so that's what I would be more concerned about rather than cheating.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 19:24

Yes, I'll speak to him again about it in a couple of days.

He really hasn't presented as the cheating type at all. I was genuinely very shocked when he told me.

I do need to know where I stand though and if I can fully commit to this.
I'm a single parent and have precious little free time. I've given him a lot of this free time since we've been seeing each other. I really have zero capacity both physically and emotionally to commit to someone that may potentially fuck me about.

OP posts:
Harrypewter · 21/05/2023 19:51

He's not seen her for 12 months yet his 'Mate' is still conversing with him about his 'pal'. So it's still current. I'm not saying he's still seeing her but no contact for 12 months means it's old news and dead. Contradiction.
Honestly, I'd throw this one back, too much drama.

EarthlyNightshade · 21/05/2023 19:53

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2023 16:15

Tomorrow on Mumsnet:

’Ive been going out with this woman for a few months, I really like her and she seems to like me. Weve been honest about our past relationships, warts and all.

Last night as we were looking at something on my phone, one of my friends messaged me and mentioned that he had bumped into a girl I had a fling with. My new girlfriend lost it and gave me a hard time about it.

I’m beginning to wonder if she is a bit insecure and jealous, is it just going to be too hard work? ‘

What would you do?

If I saw this I'd advise him to end it.
But I wouldn't know that "fling" meant cheated on ex girlfriend.

mrsgreggspastry · 21/05/2023 19:58

4 months is nothing OP. Why are you giving him all this time and headspace? I would back off quite a bit and just watch who he is while protecting yourself more emotionally.

You seem to be giving him a lot of credit for confessing to his cheating. Its not of itself any great achievement or admirable character trait. He may or may not do it again, but you know he's capable of it. You know you're not capable of it (me neither.) Is it a deal breaker? that's for you to decide.

As for the mate, maybe his mate is immature, maybe the affair partner still means something, but it's an odd thing to text. Be careful that he's not trying to make you jealous and insecure, because that's a thing abusive people do. So for me, there's red flags (the cheating, the text)

quietnightmare · 21/05/2023 19:58

Whenever I bump into any of my friends ex's/flings or whatever I text and say I just spoke to 'X' because I wouldn't want my friends to hear it from someone else and so we can have a laugh about it. Perhaps his mate spoke to her and told your bf straight away incase things get twisted and his friend gets accused of 'dating' said woman

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 21/05/2023 20:09

Slightly off-topic, OP, but if I was spending an evening with someone, I would be very unimpressed if they were checking or using their phone. This is really bad manners.

Gremlins101 · 21/05/2023 20:44

I can't speak for his genuineness, but I'd have got openly anxious about that text too (and I've never been cheated on). It's okay to get insecure. I think it is a biological function.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 21:23

@FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar we were looking at something together on his phone, he wasn't being rude particularly.

@Gremlins101 we talked it through afterwards and I said I was ok, but I don't think I am. I guess I'm going to have to bring it up again and risk another disagreement...

OP posts:
Zenana · 21/05/2023 21:52

Xrays · 21/05/2023 17:58

It is but it’s also quite revealing because it shows that the woman was quite significant as the friend uses it to tease the ops boyfriend. I can’t imagine my friend bothering to text me that she’d seen my ex in town for example. Total non event. So why is he messaging that? Says a lot really.

Show quote history

Some of my friends would. One of my best friends saw my lousy cheating ex stuffing his face with a Tesco all day breakfast and messaged me about that!

quietnightmare · 21/05/2023 21:59

@Zenana
She's a good friend as she's just reminding you what a loser your ex is! Glad you kicked his cheating bum to the curb

Livelifelaughter · 21/05/2023 22:38

Plenty of people have affairs....look at previous MN post. People change, they learn they grow. He didn't need to tell you but he did and I presume that was to be honest with you.
As I said above, it wasn't knowing that my bf had affairs that creates the problem in our relationship it was the surrounding behaviours that he exhibited because of the affair... that's what I found hard.