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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

First argument in new relationship, feel absolutely horrible!

94 replies

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 14:36

Been in new relationship for approx 4 months. He's a wonderful man. I'm absolutely head over heels in love with him.
Had a pretty crappy relationship history, seemed to end up with men who turned out to be quite unkind in one way or another. He's such a breath of fresh air, a kind soul that I feel so lucky to have met.

We had our first argument last night. He'd disclosed to me quite early on in our relationship that his last relationship ended because he cheated. There were no excuses or usual wiggling out of ownership. He fully accepted responsibility and said he felt awful about it and his ex didn't deserve to be treated in that way.
I was glad he'd felt comfortable enough to be honest about it. However, I've been ruminating over it ever since and worrying that his head will be turned again and wondered why I might be different that it wouldn't happen again. I should have voiced my concerns much earlier, I know this. But I didn't and have been building it up in my head for a long time.

Last night, I brought it up and we talked respectfully about it and he reassured me.
A couple of hours later, a friend texted him and said " I've just bumped in to your pal, " mentioning the name of the person he cheated with.
We had had a drink by this point and it got a bit heated. I questioned why his friend would text him that information. He got quite defensive and said he couldn't control people's motivations for texting. I hear what he's saying and we've since made up about it, but I just feel absolutely horrible today. Horrible that we argued, I got quite upset as I've been cheated on in the past. Just horrible that it's kind of tainted the lovely time we'd been having so far.
I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that these first arguments are normal and that it will be ok.

I know we shouldn't have spoken about it with alcohol involved...lesson well and truly learned.

OP posts:

QueenBitch666 · 21/05/2023 22:53

I personally would be very suspicious of his motive for telling you of his cheating. Proceed with caution

ChairFloorWall · 22/05/2023 08:39

@Xrays as a PP said, depends on your friends. Mine would to embarrass me!

barmycatmum · 22/05/2023 08:52

The first red flag for me here, OP, is that you’re “absolutely in love with him” and you’ve been with him for four months.

in the beginning, we tend to make the mistake of looking for things in common, looking for what works, when really, we should be looking for red flags.
it’s because we want this to be “the one,” yeah?

it’s too early to even really know him. Just remember that.

Livinghappy · 22/05/2023 16:07

He really hasn't presented as the cheating type at all. I was genuinely very shocked when he told me

There isn't a cheating type..some men are players and boast but most women are completely shocked when they find out their husband/partner cheated as didn't think there were "the type".

It's a little naive of you to think there is a type. Talk to him, ask him why he cheated rather than end the relationship. Did he tell his ex or did she find out? When was the last time he saw OW?

Livelifelaughter · 22/05/2023 16:33

Have been thinking about this.... assuming in his last relationship there were no children, why would he cheat rather than end a relationship.
Honestly I would have more understanding for someone feeling trapped in a loveless marriage that involved children rather than someone cheating for a while on a person they are dating, a relationship which can be easily ended..

Original poster

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 22/05/2023 17:01

Thanks for the further replies x

I appreciate it sounds strange to some me saying that I'm in love with him so early on, but I do feel it. I know I don't know him inside out yet, but I do have loving feelings towards him.
I actually googled the average time to fall in love, as I was worried I was behaving a bit like a lunatic 😂 but according to Google, it seems the time I've been with him is a pretty average time to develop these feeling for someone... I don't know ...

Yes, it probably sounds very naïve to say he doesn't seem the cheating type, it's just that he's not a jack the lad type. However, he obviously IS they type, because he did and admitted it.

I haven't delved any further into the circumstances of the cheating, I don't know if he told her or she found out and I don't know if he carried on seeing her after it came out. I felt like I was being too demanding to ask for more details, but perhaps if I did I would be in this mess!
He told me he hasn't seen her in over 12 months.

There were no children involved and yes I agree that it's very bad form to not just end a relationship if you've had 'your head turned' rather than cheat.

OP posts:

80s · 22/05/2023 17:20

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 18:20

@Xrays yes, that's what concerned me. I don't think my friends would text me about an ex of mine they'd seen. It wouldn't be something that I needed to know.

Bloody hell, I don't know what to think. It's exhausting!

A friend of mine had an affair, her marriage ended, then a couple of years later the AP had to move a long way off so they stopped seeing each other. She's got another bf now. The other day she said she heard the ex-AP might be moving back nearby again and she's dreading it a bit as she doesn't want to see him but also doesn't want to actually say no, I don't want to see you. If I spotted him in the street I'd mention it to her, why not?

My exh was a self-proclaimed "good guy" who expressed disapproval of cheating and who loved to tell people how he "would never do" this, that and the other. I'm sure he still goes on like that with the women he dates now. He even told his AP at the tiime that he couldn't believe he was cheating with her, as he wasn't like that really! Current dp doesn't claim to be a good guy, but behaves respectfully, so I'm hopeful he'll treat me kindly whatever he does. Like another poster said, it was the nasty behaviour around my ex's cheating that was the worst part.

The odd tiff isn't that odd, though 4 months in is maybe quite early. But if my dp started questioning me about other people's texts, that would be a red flag for me. Would make me think they were not ready for a relationship.

80s · 22/05/2023 17:23

had 'your head turned'
Is that how he described it, out of interest? The poor lamb led astray by the bad lady?

MidsummerNightsDream · 22/05/2023 17:28

I’m not sure I understand why the text referring to his ‘friend’ would be necessary when the relationship has been over for a year. I don’t think you overreacted. I think you reacted normally.

Livinghappy · 22/05/2023 17:30

I felt like I was being too demanding to ask for more details, but perhaps if I did I would be in this mess!

Get it out on the table...you can ask him respectfully and it's in your interests to know how he handles communication.

To those saying it's a red flag for her..he admitted cheating and then she sees a text about the OW. I think she would be foolish to ignore this

Original poster

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 22/05/2023 17:34

No, having your head turned was my own phrasing.

I wouldn't care at all about a text from a friend saying he'd seen an ex... It's the circumstances, he broke up a 12 year relationship over this woman, I'm guessing the feelings were pretty intense for him to do that. And as PP have said, he said he hasn't seen her for 12 months.
The friend referring to her as "his pal" I think is also a bit odd

OP posts:

xoomer · 22/05/2023 17:36

First arguments are normal. But cheating on a partner and arguing about it should not be.

xoomer · 22/05/2023 17:38

How soon in did he tell you? I think you should have backed off then.

80s · 22/05/2023 17:41

To those saying it's a red flag for her..he admitted cheating and then she sees a text about the OW. I think she would be foolish to ignore this
There's a few other options between "ignoring it" and "things getting heated".
I've been in OP's position a couple of times. Once I just made a mental note. The other time I made a lighthearted comment that let the guy know I'd seen what was going on. But basically, from my exh I know that if they want to cheat, they'll cheat. You can't control people.

Original poster

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 22/05/2023 17:41

@xoomer quite early on, a few weeks I guess, whilst chatting about past relationships. I asked what happened with his ex and he told me

OP posts:

Original poster

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 22/05/2023 17:43

It only got heated because of his reaction. He was defensive very quickly. I asked casually, did not give him a hard time or anything like that. I simply asked why his mate would text him that, as I'm genuinely not understanding this... If he'd responded with any of the reasons suggested by PP I would have accepted it. But he was quickly defensive about it

OP posts:

80s · 22/05/2023 17:47

If it was entirely him fuelling the heat then I wouldn't like that, either. Make sure it doesn't verge on him labelling you a psycho for doubting him.

SleepingStandingUp · 22/05/2023 17:47

BSB30 · 21/05/2023 16:31

It's not necessarily who he is in this relationship though. People can cheat if in a bad relationship (not saying it's right) and then can go onto a healthy relationship and wouldn't dream of cheating.

Show quote history

Exactly.

I cheated in a past relationship. I was deeply unhappy but felt like I had no control and couldn't get out. Actually sleeping with someone else pushed me to end it. I'd kissed the person previously but onb hadn't told my partner but sex was like the thing I needed to end it.

Married 11 years, never so much as contemplated it and I've enough space and freedom to do so if I wanted.

I'd like to think older and wiser me wouldn't ever get to that point again, that I'd sort it before hand.

80s · 22/05/2023 17:48

But yes, as I say, I'd message my friend if I saw her ex-affair partner, knowing she hasn't seen him for ages.

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