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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

First argument in new relationship, feel absolutely horrible!

94 replies

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 14:36

Been in new relationship for approx 4 months. He's a wonderful man. I'm absolutely head over heels in love with him.
Had a pretty crappy relationship history, seemed to end up with men who turned out to be quite unkind in one way or another. He's such a breath of fresh air, a kind soul that I feel so lucky to have met.

We had our first argument last night. He'd disclosed to me quite early on in our relationship that his last relationship ended because he cheated. There were no excuses or usual wiggling out of ownership. He fully accepted responsibility and said he felt awful about it and his ex didn't deserve to be treated in that way.
I was glad he'd felt comfortable enough to be honest about it. However, I've been ruminating over it ever since and worrying that his head will be turned again and wondered why I might be different that it wouldn't happen again. I should have voiced my concerns much earlier, I know this. But I didn't and have been building it up in my head for a long time.

Last night, I brought it up and we talked respectfully about it and he reassured me.
A couple of hours later, a friend texted him and said " I've just bumped in to your pal, " mentioning the name of the person he cheated with.
We had had a drink by this point and it got a bit heated. I questioned why his friend would text him that information. He got quite defensive and said he couldn't control people's motivations for texting. I hear what he's saying and we've since made up about it, but I just feel absolutely horrible today. Horrible that we argued, I got quite upset as I've been cheated on in the past. Just horrible that it's kind of tainted the lovely time we'd been having so far.
I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that these first arguments are normal and that it will be ok.

I know we shouldn't have spoken about it with alcohol involved...lesson well and truly learned.

OP posts:
standardduck · 21/05/2023 16:39

If you want to give your relationship a fair shot, you need to move on from his past and trust him that he won't repeat it.

If you can't get past this and it will make you feel insecure and ruminate about his past, you should probably rethink your relationship.

Be honest with yourself and then make a decision.

Frogger8395 · 21/05/2023 16:44

That text shows that the woman he cheated with is significant in some way. To both him and his friend.

And you’ll be a fool to believe his cheating happened because his relationship wasn’t good. Cheating is a character trait, not a relationship issue.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 21/05/2023 16:47

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 15:35

@AutumnCrow he was sat next to me, he's not secretive about his phone, we were looking at something else on his phone at the time when the WhatsApp drop down popped up. He didn't have a shady response or anything, I just questioned why he'd need that information...

But how did you know who his friend was referring to? Surely the text didn't say "Just bumped into that girl you cheated on your wife with"? But equally if it said "Just bumped into Doris" and you knew the name of the person that's kind of weird that he went into so much detail.

Pickledmeg · 21/05/2023 16:49

Presumably you don't know his friend well? Some are just arses that find texting stuff like that humorous, he also might not be aware that things are going well between the two of you and its inappropriate; personally having known a lot of men who like ribbing their mates like this (not appealing I know) I wouldn't look too much into the text. Disagreements are normal and it sounds like you both handled it well. For me it's the cheating thing- if you're content with it then that's all that matters but if it makes you feel insecure or whatever (which would be understandable) then he's been upfront you need to be honest with yourself about whether you can deal with it.

BethDuttonsTwin · 21/05/2023 16:53

This is why I would never tell a new relationship about old relationships except in the most basic terms. Old baggage being dragged in and causing problems in the new relationship, exactly as has happened here. Now this will always be at the back of your mind and your relationship will process accordingly. He should never have told you.

BSB30 · 21/05/2023 16:58

Frogger8395 · 21/05/2023 16:44

That text shows that the woman he cheated with is significant in some way. To both him and his friend.

And you’ll be a fool to believe his cheating happened because his relationship wasn’t good. Cheating is a character trait, not a relationship issue.

Absolutely 100% not true

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 16:59

When the text popped up,I asked who "" was and he told me who it was.
I really don't know what to think now.

OP posts:
DreamingCatTwitches · 21/05/2023 16:59

I don’t think OP has to ‘do’ anything for now. Of course if someone has divulged they cheated in the past, there will be a question mark. There’s no need to soul-search as to whether you can ‘handle’ his past, or whatever. Just carry on, trust your feelings, keep communicating, be authentic. If he does lots of things that don’t add up and gets really defensive about it if you query them - eg- accusing you of ‘spoiling’ things, then I would be sceptical. If this text is a one-off, then you’ll know that in time and all will be well.

ViburnumFarreri · 21/05/2023 17:07

I don’t agree with the ‘once a cheater always a cheater’ thing. People change.

ViburnumFarreri · 21/05/2023 17:07

Nothing you’ve described sounds any alarm bells with me, @AlwaysReadyNeverSteady .

Dogsitterwoes · 21/05/2023 17:11

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 21/05/2023 16:15

Tomorrow on Mumsnet:

’Ive been going out with this woman for a few months, I really like her and she seems to like me. Weve been honest about our past relationships, warts and all.

Last night as we were looking at something on my phone, one of my friends messaged me and mentioned that he had bumped into a girl I had a fling with. My new girlfriend lost it and gave me a hard time about it.

I’m beginning to wonder if she is a bit insecure and jealous, is it just going to be too hard work? ‘

What would you do?

It wasn't just an ex though, it was someone he cheated with while in a relationship.

Personally, while I agree that 'once a cheat, always a cheat' isn't necessarily always true, I think someone who was able to cheat previously is a higher risk of cheating again. They know what to tell themselves to overcome any feelings of guilt or wrongdoing.

monsteramunch · 21/05/2023 17:12

AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 16:59

When the text popped up,I asked who "" was and he told me who it was.
I really don't know what to think now.

Did you have any underlying worries about him before this?

If my partner got a text I happened to see saying what that one did, I don't think my instinct would have been to ask them who the person named was as it's just a private conversation they're having with someone else over text.

So I wondered if there's a reason you felt you wanted more information about the person mentioned in the text? Was it just because it was a woman's name?

BlastedPimples · 21/05/2023 17:17

People don't change. They really don't.

But at least now you know so any decision you make from now on means that you were fully informed whatever happens.

LadyRos · 21/05/2023 17:18

his Friend is annoying but as he said can’t help what he messages.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 17:19

I didn't really have any other doubts, he's been absolutely lovely, he really has. I suppose I just asked out of curiosity. I guess he could have lied about who it was to be fair, and I'd be none the wiser.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 17:22

He did apologise for being defensive and said he understands why I would be concerned.
I know he has no control over what people text him, I just couldn't really square in my head why his friend had texted that. I did ask that and he said he had no idea. He hasn't responded to the text, he said he didn't feel the need to

OP posts:
Frogger8395 · 21/05/2023 17:24

That text shows that the woman he cheated with is significant in some way. To both him and his friend.
And you’ll be a fool to believe his cheating happened because his relationship wasn’t good. Cheating is a character trait, not a relationship issue.

Absolutely 100% not true

Research suggests differently.

If having relationship problems makes people cheat we’d all be doing it.

RememberNancyDrew · 21/05/2023 17:24

It would probably be a deal-breaker for me. Or, perhaps continue to date him with zero expectation of monogamy and just power through outings with his bro-friends who are keeping him updated on past flings. It might be a bit awkward being the "next" in his life to his social circle. If you live far away from each other he will have lots of opportunity to see other women.

Livinghappy · 21/05/2023 17:25

At such early days of course he is lovely.

What was the relationship that he cheated on? Wife or a girlfriend that he wasn't living with? I think that makes a difference.

I think generally cheaters, cheat because they can't handle relationships maturely. Of course some people do it once and learn from it so age is a factor..25 is more forgiving than 45. I think how they treat their ex is important as it shows genuine remorse.

How long ago did he leave the affair person? My concern would be he isn't over her yet and his friend knows it.

Xrays · 21/05/2023 17:25

Frogger8395 · 21/05/2023 17:24

That text shows that the woman he cheated with is significant in some way. To both him and his friend.
And you’ll be a fool to believe his cheating happened because his relationship wasn’t good. Cheating is a character trait, not a relationship issue.

Absolutely 100% not true

Research suggests differently.

If having relationship problems makes people cheat we’d all be doing it.

This.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 17:31

He doesn't appear to be a player at all. He's shown none of those typical traits so far...

It was a 12 year relationship he was in when he cheated. As I said, he's been very remorseful about it and has accepted full responsibility.

From what he's said, he hasn't seen this person for over 12 months.

My concern is absolutely that @Livinghappy, that he's not over it and that's why his friend texted what he did

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 17:33

We are both early 40s, for context

OP posts:
Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 17:33

Thank you for replying everyone, it's really helped to talk it through x

OP posts:
C2190 · 21/05/2023 17:35

His past relationship isn't his current relationship. Everyone's makes mistakes in life. We're all human. There could be a number of reasons as to why he cheated. Obviously, it's not an acceptable thing to be doing, but he admitted that he was wrong to do it and felt terrible for it. Your relationship is a blank canvas, new beginnings, new memories, etc. I would be keeping a close eye on the friend and why he would text such a thing. What right does he have to bring up old memories with a previous partner when you are both in a happy relationship now. Tell him to butt out and go on to fester in someone's else's life. Be happy. Life is too short.

Original poster
AlwaysReadyNeverSteady · 21/05/2023 17:43

Thank you @C2190 that's kind of the approach I'm trying to take. A blank canvas.

I'm a good person. I've never cheated or treated anyone badly, despite having a crap time and being treated badly by other people.
We've had an absolutely wonderful time since we met, I just don't want to be made a fool of again!

OP posts: