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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Divorce - how did you cope with seeing kids less?

42 replies

Rollerskater23 · 20/05/2023 05:42

Facing a divorce from H, have two dc who are late primary/early secondary. Currently unable to cope with idea of seeing them so much less (we have 50/50ish split in mind, slightly more with me)... can’t sleep, just devastated. How did others cope? Was it as bad as you expected?

Husband is very much an equal parent, always has been, so I can’t go for main/full custody, not fair on anyone. I just have to deal with it (the divorce is inevitable I think although not what I wanted) but don’t know how :(

OP posts:

peachespeachespeaches · 20/05/2023 06:22

You just sort of...do. You have to. Everyone misses their kids when they're not there but we're all here, surviving.

Once you get past the first bit and you start making a bit of a life for yourself in the non-child part it also helps. There are still pros, it's not all cons, especially if you can co-parent well.

everyonebutme · 20/05/2023 06:48

It does get easier. The first time I took myself off shopping as I really didn't know what to do but I was totally not in the mood and cried all the way there. It was always hard seeing them be picked up and go off. Gradually I used the time for myself - took up running, caught up with chores (so the time I had with them I could do more with them), met up with friends, etc. It's hard but it gets easier over time.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/05/2023 06:54

It's not my situation as my ex had sporadic & short contact with our DC, increased briefly with 2 of them for a period, and now they have no contact at all with him.

However, like everything about separation & divorce, a 'new normal' emerges. Things that seem impossible while in a marriage happen & you get used to, and sometimes like, them.

For women I know whose DC spend significant time with their ex, they enjoy the time to pursue their own interests, lives, relationships. Single parenting is hard - you're doing everything when they are with you, so the time on your own becomes a valuable space to recharge.

If you and ex are amicable as much as is possible, that hugely helps. I think the rows & conflict that can come with shared custody are what's hard.

Liorae · 20/05/2023 07:05

Use the time to cultivate friendships, enjoy hobbies, rearrange your home, stream the movies you want to see, play the music you want to hear. With a positive attitude it will very quickly become valued personal time, not a deprivation.

tracylamont13 · 20/05/2023 07:12

You get used to it. Use the child free time for things you enjoy. It gets easier

BettyBananaMan · 20/05/2023 07:19

You get used to it. I hated it to begin with but then I built a bit of a life for myself and now I look forward to my 'me' time.

SugarPlumpFairy3 · 20/05/2023 07:34

I share my dc 50/50 and of course I miss them but I’ve really enjoyed building a life for myself beyond them. I can pursue my own interests, see friends, be lazy, keep on top of housework and life admin. I’m then free to enjoy my children without other distractions when they come back to me.

Humanswarm · 20/05/2023 07:59

Oh god, I remember that feeling so well. We started on 50/50, and the first weekend they left, I didn't cry, I don't think I had the emotions left for that, but I wandered the house aimlessly. I couldn't quite find the energy to do anything at all. I was, simply lost. But, they came back, they were happy, and as a few weeks of this went by, I started to look forward to the time. A new normal emerged and I started to relax, to do things for me, catch up on silly chores like, sorting through old clothes or taking an hours bath and reading in the afternoon. And I enjoyed it. I missed them, and looked forward to them coming home, but, I also appreciated the time for me, after literally never having a moment. And it helped me process all I had gone through, with the divorce and the years leading up to it.
Now, it's absolutely the norm. Everyone is settled, and we have a flexible arrangement in place so that, if there are any occasions I wish the children to be with me, we just swap days. My dc are older now, mid to late teens, so they can also chose where they wish to be sometimes. And it works for us. It does get better OP. Focus on you now.

AllAboutBread · 20/05/2023 08:00

Everyone I know who has a 50/50 split. Has the best of both worlds. Gets real quality time with there kids. Have serious important input it their lives. Plus gets to have time to see friends, do hobbies, without impacting on the kids.

sendbackaletterfromamerica · 20/05/2023 08:36

I have never really got used to it and still miss them. I have a nice full life but they are my kids and it's their childhood. No words of wisdom, but empathy.

Alphyn · 20/05/2023 10:30

I work full-time and share custody 50/50. I dreaded losing that time with the kids too. At first I threw myself into volunteering with the PTA, so that I could do something which would improve their experience at school and fill the hours when they weren’t around. It was great, I got to meet lots of other parents and developed new skills, and my kids were really proud of all the work I was doing but it started to encroach into my time with the kids (🙄) so I eventually quit.

It’s actually worked out really well over the years. I arranged to work flexibly so that I do longer hours when they aren’t with me, and shorter days when they come home straight after school. Having the kid-free time allowed me to rediscover myself as a person outside of being a wife and mother - I went to the gym, met up with friends, dated, studied part-time. Make the most of that me-time as once you enter a new relationship, it starts to become complicated again!

Shadyladyo · 20/05/2023 10:33

You live close by and are flexible so that you don’t go a long time without seeing them. I’ve never gone more than a couple of days - which isn’t really and worse than if I worked late or something.

I also do really enjoy alone time. For instance this weekend I had her yesterday after school then she went to her dads and she’ll come back tomorrow. In between I’m going to see friends, lie about (still in bed!) and do some house decorating.

you’ll be ok

Thisisworsethananticpated · 20/05/2023 13:09

This probably isn’t helpful but facing nearly 100% custody, I’m finding it brutal

basically allow the sadness and it is sad 😞

but this is also an opportunity for you to recover yourself post divorce
whatever you wish , hobbies , exercise , gym , social , dating etc
Also work , finances might be an issue

I’m not minimising your sadness but this is something in time that can yield positive benefits

CadburyDream · 20/05/2023 13:13

I.wish I could see mine less 😂 ex won't even have them overnight! In 6 years I've never had a break, can't date can't move on. Use your time and enjoy it

Original poster

Rollerskater23 · 20/05/2023 17:48

These replies are so helpful, thank you!! Probably the most helpful I have ever found Mumsnet, just to hear from those on the other side - at the moment it all feels so overwhelming. And to try to see it as a positive, even though it’s painful…

OP posts:

Original poster

Rollerskater23 · 20/05/2023 17:50

I mean not a positive, exactly, but an opportunity to have some time to heal and re-find myself…

OP posts:

teezletangler · 20/05/2023 18:03

Almost every single parent I know who shares 50-50 custody actually loves only having their kids 50% of the time. I have to say it rather appeals to me!

Original poster

Rollerskater23 · 20/05/2023 19:00

That is very reassuring thank you @teezletangler !

OP posts:

Original poster

Rollerskater23 · 24/05/2023 07:33

getting to the crunch point now… any more stories much appreciated!!

OP posts:

guineacup · 24/05/2023 07:41

AllAboutBread · 20/05/2023 08:00

This. The leaving was hard to begin with... but I have a 50:50 split and I've not been as happy as I am now for a long time. I have the best of both worlds! It helps that the kids are older (13 & 16) as it would be harder if they were little, and that I can see them in the week I'm not on if we choose to as the split was amicable.

Humanswarm · 24/05/2023 07:55

Hi @Rollerskater23 , when you say crunch point? Do you mean your first time away from them? When is it?

ShandaLear · 24/05/2023 08:03

I thought I’d have a lot of time to myself and then I ended up getting a boyfriend and could go on dates without having to arrange a babysitter, get food for the babysitter, and pay the babysitter. I found I also had a lot more time because I’d been carrying a lot of the mental load too - organising uniform, packed lunches, dentist appointments, etc. All that stuff. In fairness to my ex, he fully stepped up and does a full 50/50, and when they are with him he does everything - so if a school parents night is on his day he does it, he’s in charge of the dentist appointments, he does most of the clubs/sports ferrying about. He gets the emails same as me and just puts his stuff on a shared calendar. It works. If you’re lucky enough to have a positive parenting relationship with your ex make the most of it. It’s great for both you, him, and the kids. Mine are happy, securely attached to each of us, settled, and know that we have both put them first.

SweetSakura · 24/05/2023 08:06

I threw my energy into my career. I am lucky I can work fairly flexibly so did long hours when they were with their dad and worked a chunk of those weekends too. It's meant I have been able to progress further and faster in my career while still doing all my school runs and spending loads of time with them when they are with me

HT56 · 24/05/2023 09:15

I loved it to be honest.

Original poster

Rollerskater23 · 24/05/2023 10:05

thank you so much for the replies, they really do help!

@Humanswarm H is moving out in the next few weeks, he has now found somewhere to live. So shared custody will begin soon. I am trying now to think of the good sides - I do have a full on career that I love and lots of friends so I should be ok- I just struggle with the feeling of abandonment I think, and being away from the kids so much - both for me and them - my youngest is still quite mum-focused and struggles if I go away for work etc…

OP posts:

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