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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Divorce - how did you cope with seeing kids less?

42 replies

Rollerskater23 · 20/05/2023 05:42

Facing a divorce from H, have two dc who are late primary/early secondary. Currently unable to cope with idea of seeing them so much less (we have 50/50ish split in mind, slightly more with me)... can’t sleep, just devastated. How did others cope? Was it as bad as you expected?

Husband is very much an equal parent, always has been, so I can’t go for main/full custody, not fair on anyone. I just have to deal with it (the divorce is inevitable I think although not what I wanted) but don’t know how :(

OP posts:

Longtitude · 24/05/2023 11:22

Its really hard at first, but actually I found the time alone really helped me get back to myself outside the parameters of ‘wife and mother’. I lost weight, got fit, sorted my house, found new hobbies and now I actually really look forward to my time to myself.
It will take time, but maybe less than you think…

stars345 · 24/05/2023 12:05

I too have been worried about this. It's a huge part of why I haven't instigated a divorce. I can't bear the thought of being apart from them 50/50, of not kissing them goodnight and hearing about their day.

It of course makes sense that having more time alone means more headspace, less stressed, ability to earn more money, hobbies etc. It's the initial feeling of loss that I'm worried about as my mental health is so fragile.

I wish the best for you op, I hope that you can be good co parents as it seeks this is the easiest transition when both parents put the kids first

Original poster

Rollerskater23 · 24/05/2023 12:10

@stars345 i will report back! And hopefully the other replies have reassured you a bit as they do for me. But I’m sure lots of people stay in unhappy marriages for this reason tbh. I am trying not to be held back by fear (and don’t really have a choice now) - we are planning to live v close and be flexible which should help 🤞🏼

OP posts:

Original poster

Rollerskater23 · 24/05/2023 12:12

@Longtitude this sounds so positive, I hope to do similar (esp get fit!) , and think I will be very focused on work (I work flexibly/from home) when the kids aren’t around…

OP posts:

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 24/05/2023 12:26

Embrace it. I used it as me time, joined a few clubs, gym, saw friends, went places in my own I know my dd would hate.

But it also meant that I had the time and energy to spend lots of quality time with my dd when she was at home. I'd put off chores and jobs for the time I was without my dd so we could do 'fun stuff' whilst she was with me

It's not always a negative thing and can work really well.

DontBeBitterGlitter2023 · 24/05/2023 12:43

Sorry to 'me-rail' but I feel like the posters on this thread could help me a little...

I'm 'dating' someone new - well I don't know exactly what's going on with us but that's another story for another day and we've been friends for a while anyway... he has just come out of a 16-year relationship and so for the first time is living away from his kids. They have DS10 and he has a DSD23 who he's brought up as his own. He's finding it so hard not being there with them each night and morning and DS quite often calls him crying saying he misses his dad. It's getting to the point where he's thinking of going back to what was a toxic relationship just to keep the family together

Any advice I can give him or anything I can do to try and make things better during these early days? He does see them both probably 4 days a week and DS stays over with him in his new place at least 12. DSD is currently in long-term hospital care but he does visit at least every other day.

FedUpFanAnn · 24/05/2023 12:56

I'm more worried about how they will cope being with me less 😥

Gettingbysomehow · 24/05/2023 12:56

I didn't see DS less because the courts decided his father was an unfit parent and ordered that he not see DS until he was 18.
That left me struggling with a full time job and DS and all the cost of childminders etc.
On the one hand I was glad I wasn't sharing him but on the other it was very difficult raising him completely alone.
Ex fought for 50/50 but was denied and DS didn't want to see him again.

orangeclubsarebest · 24/05/2023 13:05

It depends on the situation. I really don't see them much less. They only go to their dad's every other Saturday. I'm absolutely exhausted and I know it's horrible but less than 24 hours break in a fortnight is quite welcome!

CadburyDream · 24/05/2023 13:21

orangeclubsarebest · 24/05/2023 13:05

This is very true. My ex last saw our children 3 weeks ago for 4 hours. I am desperate for a break from them I could cry I’m so exhausted, parenting alone is completely different to parenting with a partner so you might find yourself enjoying having some time to yourself in the future.

Original poster

Rollerskater23 · 24/05/2023 15:41

@FedUpFanAnn yes, this is part of what I mean - and has started to be my main concern now things are moving faster… 😞

for those who don’t get much time off, that must be so hard

OP posts:

NotReallySure · 24/05/2023 15:47

It might feel awful at first, I remember feeling desperate to just run over and grab them off him, but honestly it gets better, enjoy your time, I found a female only outdoors group to make some non-mum friends, and just made the most of a tidy house and a full night's sleep! It's unimaginable at first but give yourself time, and take care of yourself x

FedUpFanAnn · 24/05/2023 15:53

I have felt like a single parent for years, so being on my own wouldn't make a difference to my work load. I just don't want to force my kids to change their routine for the sake of my imagined happiness. I'm with you, @Rollerskater23 it's almost impossible to work out what to do for the best.

Lill1e · 24/05/2023 17:03

I could have written your post a year ago. I actually did write something similar. I genuinely thought I'd never get used to being without my kids every day. I've done everything for them since the day they were born. Their dad was always there but never a hands on dad. It's still the same to be honest. I book all their appointments even when it's his week!
It's around a year now since we started 50/50 and I honestly don't mind it now. I still have a little cry sometimes when they're leaving especially if we've had a really fun week but I see them happy and that's all that matters at the end of the day. They love their dad and they love spending time with him. To be honest I don't think it would have benefited my children only seeing their dad every other week. They're coping with the split a lot better this way as they see a happy mom and a happy dad. Both me and my ex have new partners also which the kids are fine with so although I genuinely thought my 'life was over' at the beginning it's turned out a lot better than I thought. Obviously I'd love to have my 2 full time but that wouldn't be fair on them or their dad. You will be fine OP. you will get through this I promise. I found it helpful to speak with a counsellor also on the week i didnt have the kids. Its expensive but definitely helped me. Best of luck and if you need to ask anymore advice or questions regarding the 50/50 just pop on here xx

QueefQueen80s · 24/05/2023 17:54

I love it. I get a break, to be me and not just mum, and when I have them I'm an even better parent than I was when I had them all the time.

Humanswarm · 25/05/2023 06:51

@Rollerskater23 I totally get the abandonment feeling. And, you'll feel that for a while. Its a human, instinctive reaction. There are so many emotions attached to a separation. Hurt, anger, disbelief, sadness. Allow yourself to process all of those during your first few times alone. Its absolutely okay to feel lost. But your new normal becomes much brighter. So many on here have posted so, and it will happen for you. There will always be bouts of those feelings, when special occasions or holidays arise, but fill them with things for you. You won't lose the relationship you have with your children. It will just emerge in a slightly new way. I've honestly found parenting much easier, and I know that's an obvious thing to say, due to getting a break, but you genuinely do appreciate the little things so much more. Try not to over think how bad you're going to feel when it happens, easier said than done I know, but start to consider what you can do with your time alone. What's going to make you feel better? What are the things you don't have time to do now hut would secretly love to? Be selfish. Be Kind to yourself and post on here if ever you feel overwhelmed!

LadyChilli · 25/05/2023 08:49

You will adjust. Like others have said, you might even find you relish the time to be yourself after you get used to it, I know I do. Look at different schedules to find one that works for you all as that will really help - we do 5,2,2, after having tried various permutations in the early days.

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