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Original poster

Cannot get rid of resentment around metal load.

111 replies

Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 21:35

I just typed a huge long post and lost it! Maybe for the best! Will try to be brief:

In a nutshell- I cannot solve the metal load problem with DP, desperate for ideas.

Both work full time. Primary aged DC. He does pretty much half daily load of domestic stuff like dc drops/ pick ups, teatimes bedtimes but it ends there and he doesn't THINK about anything. Unless I do it, it doesn't get sorted. Childcare, house stuff (we bought a dooer upper house before I knew he was like this- it started after dc). Holidays, house finances, work done to house, plans, trips, purchases, just everything. All on me. Last week we had no wraparound care for dc because he didn't email breakfast/ after school club having said he would. We'd had a big chat about mental load again and he had agreed to get better at doing shit so he made a point of saying he'd email. Just didn't. I'm the one who WFH so had to rush round for dc. Really messed up my working days.

Its having such a bad impact on our relationship. I feel resentful and he feels attacked if I get mad about it. We've tried list systems, calendar, sharing out jobs according to our skills, he seems to want to get better but it always just slips back to me having to hold everything together.

Has anyone ever actually solved this? Or got any more ideas?
I suggested counselling and he didn't want to but might need to insist.

OP posts:
cyncope · 19/05/2023 21:42

If you're going to offload some mental load to him, you can't rescue him when he fucks it up.

If booking childcare is his job, then if he forgets to do it, he has to stay off work - it can't fall to you because you work from home.

Sit down together and split the admin chores - he does childcare, you do dentists/doctors appointments, he does bills, you do food shop, he does car tax/MOT.
The painful bit is going to be stepping back and letting him take responsibility. And not jumping in to fix it.

SavBlancTonight · 19/05/2023 21:44

If that was me who.screwed up and dh had to rescue me I woukd be mortified and ir would be the reminder I needed

But he clearly does not actually think this is his problem so you cannot rescue him. He forgets- you are on v nb woek calls and cannot collect them.

If you srr angry, know you have the right to be. So don't let him whining about you over reacting or nagging make you feel bad

handydandynotebook · 19/05/2023 21:45

Go on holiday with your mates for two weeks

Original poster
Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 21:48

Thank you @cyncope
He's a teacher and I WFH full time
for a charity, he literally cannot flex around childcare in the day or else I would 100% make him if he'd fucked it up. I'm the higher earner and more senior in role but my work is no more stressful than his.

The notes apps on our phones are full of shared lists we've created sharing out a jobs list each. He just doesn't do 80% of his. It feels horrible but I've referred to old, failed lists a couple of times in arguments.

We have a cleaner fortnightly at home. That I arrange and deal with but he pays his share. He is good at keeping on top of dishwasher, tidying kitchen.

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 19/05/2023 21:51

Does he manage to think about things for his job?

The answer must be yes or he’d be out of work. If he can do it for his job he’s capable of doing it for his family. As others have said you must stop rescuing him. If something happens with the Dc, just tell him to sort it out then go back to work. You’ll only have to do it once and he’ll realise you’re not going to be his back up plan anymore.

And you have every right to be angry with him because he’s seriously taking you for granted.

cyncope · 19/05/2023 21:51

Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 21:48

Thank you @cyncope
He's a teacher and I WFH full time
for a charity, he literally cannot flex around childcare in the day or else I would 100% make him if he'd fucked it up. I'm the higher earner and more senior in role but my work is no more stressful than his.

The notes apps on our phones are full of shared lists we've created sharing out a jobs list each. He just doesn't do 80% of his. It feels horrible but I've referred to old, failed lists a couple of times in arguments.

We have a cleaner fortnightly at home. That I arrange and deal with but he pays his share. He is good at keeping on top of dishwasher, tidying kitchen.

He literally can flex around the children!

If he was a single parent and forgot to organise childcare, what do you think he'd do?

There are loads of mums who are teachers and single parents or the lower earners in a couple who have to take days off if their child is unable to go to childcare.
If there was a real consequence for him, he would remember that actually childcare is a priority.

haveitallnow · 19/05/2023 21:52

You’re making excuses for him.

if he doesn’t book childcare, he needs to figure out how his children are looked after. He could arrange an alternative or he needs to leave work. The sky won’t fall in but he might get a bollocking at work which might indeed help you in the long term.

Sleepytimebear · 19/05/2023 21:53

But surely that's the point. If you died tomorrow and he hadn't sorted childcare he would have to find a solution around his work. I know it's really hard but I agree with pp, you need to divide the tasks which includes everything to do with the task, including the mental load, and if either of you drop the ball it's on the responsible partner to fix.

cyncope · 19/05/2023 21:53

So of his agreed jobs, can you give examples of what he isn't doing and what happens when he doesn't?

RandomMess · 19/05/2023 21:53

Make him responsible for all food - meal plan, shopping, putting away, cooking, list writing

Then laundry - washing, drying, ironing, folding, putting away.

LizzieSiddal · 19/05/2023 21:53

for a charity, he literally cannot flex around childcare in the day or else I would 100% make him if he'd fucked it up.

But what if you were both teachers/Drs etc. It doesn’t matter that he’s a teacher, he needs to organise something if he isn’t available, which does not involve you.

PaigeMatthews · 19/05/2023 21:56

Last week we had no wraparound care for dc because he didn't email breakfast/ after school club having said he would… I'm the one who WFH so had to rush round for dc. Really messed up my working days.
you shouldnt have. He should have sorted it. This was the point where the consequences for being a lazy sexist manchild would have been on him. But for him there was no consequence. He just yet again makes a point to you that he does not see these as his responsibility.

counselling might be the best option. There you can discuss how sexist you find his attitude and how dismissive of you and how it makes you live him less.

Bluebells1970 · 19/05/2023 21:57

Sounds like strategic incompetence to me. If he can hold a job down, clearly he's able to manage that mental load. He's choosing not to because you're enabling his cock ups.

He's not suffering any consequences, you are. And that's what needs to change.

BrutusMcDogface · 19/05/2023 21:57

Does he take on the lion’s share in his school holidays? He bloody well should (I do, as a teacher, and I don’t feel any resentment for it). It should balance out over the year in that case.

dreamonlucid · 19/05/2023 21:58

I was at your point in my marriage, similar roles and juggling.

I had a breakdown one evening driving home from a meeting, just cried and cried for 2 days, in bed for a week.

I'm not suggesting that is a great idea, but what would he do?

My DH realised he was literally creating the issues, he woke up overnight, had some home truths from good friends of mine who'd been watching him coast along.

He made a promise it would never go back and since 2018 he's stuck to his word. He does more than me most days as he WFH, no lists no reminders, no nothing he just behaves like an adult that knows what needs doing.

You know what, that still makes me angry that all along he "knew" he knew what needed doing and watched me suffering, that's not what people who love you do. But I e had to let that go, it's taken years to accept he let me get to that point, but I now take responsibility.

We have some bumps, we get some forgotten things, but trust me your DH is capable of changing but you can't keep fixing his mistakes.

Go away, leave him with the DC, what does he do if you are sick?

Original poster
Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 22:03

cyncope · 19/05/2023 21:53

So of his agreed jobs, can you give examples of what he isn't doing and what happens when he doesn't?

Examples of agreed jobs over the years have included:

Find a dentist for everyone and get us all an appointment - I ended up doing because it was getting to point of neglect w dc
Cut the dogs nails/ get dog and cat worming/ flea stuff- didn't do, I did it
Find an Airbnb for a night away in summer during hols (using a voucher I was given as a gift)- still not done
Use the kit I bought to fix a hole in the bath that leaks- I did it
Sort out DC books for charity shop or keep- never got down
Get smoke alarms fitted- eventually did it after a big argument
Get someone to come and sort out kitchen extractor that was about to fall out of wall- did it 5 months late after 2 big arguments

OP posts:
Original poster
Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 22:08

PaigeMatthews · 19/05/2023 21:56

Last week we had no wraparound care for dc because he didn't email breakfast/ after school club having said he would… I'm the one who WFH so had to rush round for dc. Really messed up my working days.
you shouldnt have. He should have sorted it. This was the point where the consequences for being a lazy sexist manchild would have been on him. But for him there was no consequence. He just yet again makes a point to you that he does not see these as his responsibility.

counselling might be the best option. There you can discuss how sexist you find his attitude and how dismissive of you and how it makes you live him less.

You and everyone else who said this are right.

My job can flex though. It seemed extreme to refuse to flex. However I've bloody enabled it AGAIN

OP posts:
Original poster
Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 22:09

BrutusMcDogface · 19/05/2023 21:57

Does he take on the lion’s share in his school holidays? He bloody well should (I do, as a teacher, and I don’t feel any resentment for it). It should balance out over the year in that case.

No! We use a lot of grandparents and a bit of paid childcare in hols if I'm not off too, to give him at least half his hols as a break.

I know, I know

OP posts:
cyncope · 19/05/2023 22:11

Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 22:03

Examples of agreed jobs over the years have included:

Find a dentist for everyone and get us all an appointment - I ended up doing because it was getting to point of neglect w dc
Cut the dogs nails/ get dog and cat worming/ flea stuff- didn't do, I did it
Find an Airbnb for a night away in summer during hols (using a voucher I was given as a gift)- still not done
Use the kit I bought to fix a hole in the bath that leaks- I did it
Sort out DC books for charity shop or keep- never got down
Get smoke alarms fitted- eventually did it after a big argument
Get someone to come and sort out kitchen extractor that was about to fall out of wall- did it 5 months late after 2 big arguments

Show quote history

So seems like the things he can't be bothered with are mainly things that affect you/the kids/pets more than him.
Can you split the list so he takes responsibility for things he will most feel the consequences of?
Childcare arrangements seems like a good one.
Does he need a car? All car maintenance and admin.
Sounds like he wouldn't care if the kids didn't have clothes to wear so maybe if you take sorting clothes, he could take over all meal planning and shopping - having no food in the house or nothing for packed lunches is going to impact him directly and immediately if he needs to dash to the supermarket late at night/early morning.
If you do 'things around the house' like organising repairs, can he take over all the financial stuff, paying bills?

LizzieSiddal · 19/05/2023 22:14

My job can flex though. It seemed extreme to refuse to flex.

But you shouldn’t have to keep being flexible. It affects your working day, not to mention your emotions!

Why would your H who supposedly loves you, keep messing up your working day and then get annoyed that you get angry about it? It’s ALL his doing and he doesn’t care.

Careerdilemma · 19/05/2023 22:15

I bloody hope you're not organising the childcare that enables him to swan around like a single man for half the school holidays whilst you're working. And if he's managing to organise it for the holidays to suit himself, I bet he can organise it in term time

LizzieSiddal · 19/05/2023 22:16

No! We use a lot of grandparents and a bit of paid childcare in hols if I'm not off too, to give him at least half his hols as a break.

I can’t quite believe what I’m reading. He’s taking the piss and you’re letting him.

cyncope · 19/05/2023 22:18

RandomMess · 19/05/2023 21:53

Make him responsible for all food - meal plan, shopping, putting away, cooking, list writing

Then laundry - washing, drying, ironing, folding, putting away.

This is the way to do it - have whole areas of responsibility rather than split out individual jobs.

In my relationship - I do household finances, booking holidays, clothing (not laundry but buying/sorting, new shoes etc), schools, doctors/dentists/haircuts.
He does - everything car related, pets (everything, buying food, vets, nail clipping, making kids clean them out), all extra curricular activities, household maintenance, food (meal planning, shopping).

Original poster
Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 22:18

We have a car each and each looks after their own car stuff.

Food and shopping - I got sick of "what's for tea? I'll make it but you think of what we are having" and now I order Hello Fresh meal boxes for 3 nights in the week. That's enabling him to dial out of thinking as well isn't it. On Fridays he buys supermarket pizza for him and dc on his way home. (I don't like pizza and make my own tea on Fridays)

I don't want to give him financial stuff. It's all set up from my account and he pays his share to me by standing order every month.
Before we were together he got himself in moderate debt and is shit with money. Well, he dials out of thinking about it. He's paying back a consolidation loan that I helped organise for him, with his own money. That debt will all be cleared by end of 2023.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tadpolle · 19/05/2023 22:20

Careerdilemma · 19/05/2023 22:15

I bloody hope you're not organising the childcare that enables him to swan around like a single man for half the school holidays whilst you're working. And if he's managing to organise it for the holidays to suit himself, I bet he can organise it in term time

Yes- I have recently switched to this. Told him to sort out the schools hols himself- I am working and not involved.

OP posts:
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