Cannot get rid of resentment around metal load.

[Tadpolle]

I just typed a huge long post and lost it! Maybe for the best! Will try to be brief:

In a nutshell- I cannot solve the metal load problem with DP, desperate for ideas.

Both work full time. Primary aged DC. He does pretty much half daily load of domestic stuff like dc drops/ pick ups, teatimes bedtimes but it ends there and he doesn't THINK about anything. Unless I do it, it doesn't get sorted. Childcare, house stuff (we bought a dooer upper house before I knew he was like this- it started after dc). Holidays, house finances, work done to house, plans, trips, purchases, just everything. All on me. Last week we had no wraparound care for dc because he didn't email breakfast/ after school club having said he would. We'd had a big chat about mental load again and he had agreed to get better at doing shit so he made a point of saying he'd email. Just didn't. I'm the one who WFH so had to rush round for dc. Really messed up my working days.

Its having such a bad impact on our relationship. I feel resentful and he feels attacked if I get mad about it. We've tried list systems, calendar, sharing out jobs according to our skills, he seems to want to get better but it always just slips back to me having to hold everything together.

Has anyone ever actually solved this? Or got any more ideas?
I suggested counselling and he didn't want to but might need to insist.

@MaverickSnoopy which app is this please? sounds great.

For those who like a thread with an update... It's school hols again and this time I took your advice.

I think I mentioned DP's best mate has become a dad and I thought it was lame DP hadn't sent a card or a present. Anyway DP and new dad friend agreed DP would drive down there (3 hours journey or so) and stay weds til Fri this week. Without DD just DP. I said that's a great idea but remember I'm working so you will need to sort childcare for DD. I was happy to have her to myself evenings, ferry to and from childcare. He said he would sort it later.

THEN I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING to sort out said childcare, nor remind him. I actually genuinely forgot and I think DP did too.

Readers, he did not arrange any childcare.

The trip had to be cancelled and he's had DD himself up to this aft when I finished early.

How's your teacher DP been this half term @YellowRice my life twin buddy?

How did he respond to having to cancel his trip? Well done for standing your ground!

He is fed up today and I understand that; he's been stuck at home and not seen friends. He sort of half heartedly tried to criticise me and said I had seen loads of my friends lately and he hadn't thought to ask me to flex my work, why hadn't I offered to? But then asked, was he off the mark to ask this.

I said yes you are off the mark. I have seen loads of my friends because I proactively plan my life and also flexing my work is not an option to rescue him when he's failed to sort out his plans.

Well done for making him feel the consequences if his own (lack of) action.

How is counselling going? Has that given him any food for thought?

This!
He’s checked out.

Good for you op.

Keep it up.

There's nothing wrong with one partner carrying all or most of the mental load if both recognise that it's happening, that it's work and that it's included within the division of labour. But that isn't what OP describes here.

What???

I know loads of teachers and none of them get a holiday from their kids!

Sorry just seen your update. Glad you’re making progress but still seems like he loves himself more than you or the kids- his new plan is to visit friends during ‘his holidays’ is it? Watch out that he doesn’t plan that every holiday. He needs to look after his own kids