Cannot get rid of resentment around metal load.

[Tadpolle]

I just typed a huge long post and lost it! Maybe for the best! Will try to be brief:

In a nutshell- I cannot solve the metal load problem with DP, desperate for ideas.

Both work full time. Primary aged DC. He does pretty much half daily load of domestic stuff like dc drops/ pick ups, teatimes bedtimes but it ends there and he doesn't THINK about anything. Unless I do it, it doesn't get sorted. Childcare, house stuff (we bought a dooer upper house before I knew he was like this- it started after dc). Holidays, house finances, work done to house, plans, trips, purchases, just everything. All on me. Last week we had no wraparound care for dc because he didn't email breakfast/ after school club having said he would. We'd had a big chat about mental load again and he had agreed to get better at doing shit so he made a point of saying he'd email. Just didn't. I'm the one who WFH so had to rush round for dc. Really messed up my working days.

Its having such a bad impact on our relationship. I feel resentful and he feels attacked if I get mad about it. We've tried list systems, calendar, sharing out jobs according to our skills, he seems to want to get better but it always just slips back to me having to hold everything together.

Has anyone ever actually solved this? Or got any more ideas?
I suggested counselling and he didn't want to but might need to insist.

No he wouldn’t starve but even this morning he couldn’t find the bread (he seriously cannot understand how annoying this is for me) but my be cooking I save a fortune - he’d put on too much food and it would be wasted and the food would be over cooked and dry !! When I first got married to him his mother showed me how to bake homemade bread for him (I don’t know how I put up with him at the start)

Yes I leave him to it with dc when I go away with friends for weekends. He sometimes gets grandparent help and sometimes just has dc by himself. Up to him. He's more than capable of excellent dc care and is a lovely dad to them.

Also I go away a few times a year for a night to stay with female friends and their dc and I take our dc and he gets chill/ hobby time to himself at home.

He's just apologised for last night's comment and I've said it revealed bad resentment on his said as well and we should get counselling separately and together. He's reluctantly agreed "if you think we need to let's do it".

Well thats the biggest question isn't it @AssertiveGertrude

Why do do many women put up with and enable this shite right from the start and then add kids to it?

*resentment on his side as well, I meant to say

I kind of feel agreeing to counselling "If you think we need it" is a cop out of some sort as well?? Like it's on ME that I'm making us do something, as usual?? Aargh!

Re the counselling, his comment means he doesn't actually see the problem or your point of view.
Why should he? His life is constantly cushioned by your input and he wants it to stay that way.
I would put money on him thinking counselling is unnecessary and you're overreacting/ impossible to please/too demanding blah blah.
He is paying lip service.

I do think the counselling could be more helpful in giving you clarity on the situation though.

God he is really good at the passive aggressive. I’m frustrated just reading his responses.

Just go to therapy alone for a bit and get clear in your head what you want. It might be a whole heap of different things, some more drastic than others.

If he manages to do everything when you're not there then that just proves that he is actively choosing not to do it when you are there because he has no respect for you

I am going to access the free counselling via my work for myself. His work has the same scheme so I'll encourage him to do the same.

I will make us go to couple counselling as well, (it really is me "making" us go at this point). I'll keep an open mind and maybe the first breakthrough will be him realising we need it. There's no point starting it presuming it will fail.
I agree with all your comments though.

Oh OP I haven’t anything useful to add, but when I read about you chopping vegetables for your separate supper , because your ball and chain can’t be bothered to organise a supper that you would eat together, tears came into my eyes.

Friday, as well. The night when you should all be having a start of the weekend supper together.

bastard.

I wouldn’t even bother with couples counselling. Or let him sort it out. He won’t, obviously. But it won’t be useful unless you are both committed. Often women drag men to couples counselling, then somehow it becomes all about how the woman needs to work harder to make the relationship work.

Do get counselling for yourself though. That will be helpful to understand how you’ve got here and what boundaries you can put in place. I’ll be honest though, if your partner doesn’t respect you (with actions as well as words) then it’s not a good marriage,

It sounds very difficult and I have no suggestions to help, but if you split up life would be even harder, so maybe look at stuff, like professional builders to finish off the house. That's a noose round your necks for starters

Perhaps you should explain something like.

I feel we need couples counselling because you don't seem to believe how close I am to ending this marriage because I am mentally burnt out with carrying all the thinking and very hurt by your attitude to me over it and the entire domestic load.

There are two possible reasons why he will not do his fair share, he doesn't want to, or he is not capable. As he has managed not to get fired as a teacher, Im going to go with no 1, he doesn't want to. So whilst all the very helpful advice here on how you can mother him into it is thoughtful, its not going to work. Because he doesn't want to, so even if you force him into a corner he will sabotage it. The recent ex who did this to me went so far as to break or chip my glasses and plates every single time he loaded/unloaded the dishwasher. I sent him the glasses by the dishwasher article, and he responded with some pass agg comment and defensiveness. Its all so very unattractive.

I know teacher / wfh higher earner couples where the woman is the teacher. Without fail all the domestic work falls to her, because he has the big man job and as she is 'just a teacher' its her responsibility to make sure the kids are kept out of his way and the house runs smoothly. Your situation is just another representation of misogyny and male privilege and entitlement.

Maybe you can get him to change, maybe if he understands you're at leaving him point. Maybe. As the higher earner you are in the better position to split, your life will be more comfortable than his. Perhaps that threat will wake him up. Personally I think life is so better without men like this in it, the ease of my life without him around is joyous.

I agree with PP, you cannot claim to have to do all the mental load when you are literally not allowing him to deal with the consequences of not dealing with it.

You're being a Martyr! Don't make excuses especially ones that relate to his job making it impossible to help. That's not true is it OP.
I speak from experience but I nipped this in the bud earlier. I simply left the consequences to dh to deal with and he magically stepped up. I honestly think yours will too.

@LightlySearedontheRealityGrill ime the fear of having the whole load of dc more often alone (if we were to divorce) scared my dh into sorting things out. None of the right reason but at least he sorts things now.

Yep, from your updates you've given him numerous second chances and there's too many examples suggesting he doesn't want to change. He's got away with it for too long and isn't taking you seriously as a result.

@ChateauxNeufDePoop I understand why you think that but also there are 8 years of context plus other facets to the relationship as well as the ones shared on this thread. Also the progress that has been made so far is something and evidence he can improve, albeit not enough yet.

I will do what PPs recommend and explore my own feelings and needs in counselling on my own first and see how I feel then. I do want to do couple counselling but only when he agrees it's needed and isn't being dragged there.

He's determined we will fix things, I just don't think he fully grasps what's broken yet.

You should say : about this marriage therapy, you don’t seem to think we need it. Is that because you’d rather be single? You can hardly have missed how unhappy I am with a significant part of our life. But there’s no point if you don’t want to save our marriage so let me know if you want to go to therapy or not. Just so you know, if your response is something like ‘if I have to’ you will really be saying ‘I want to end our marriage’

This is why we're separating.
I've fallen out of love with H because of the load at home falling to me. I feel resentful and full of contempt at times.

He took on the food shopping and washing and putting away clothes. He would hoard random items and forget the rest, wash the clothes but leave them all creased up on the side giving me ironing to do (don't usually iron) and hung the childrens' clothes in the wrong wardrobes, badly so that they fell off hangers. He became controlling over the washing machine and began washing clothes and going out and leaving me to sort thr rest, it would even come on in the middle of the night when we were sleeping. Giving him anything to do became a massive stress.

We also didn't have a sex life or any romance at all, so I decided I was done a few months ago.

Oh do tell me more. This sounds great.

I really sympathise OP.
My husband is like this too. He will do something if I ask but I do everything apart from take out the bins . He ‘helps’ badly. He is dyspraxic but over the years I have taken on more and more. Don’t end up like me. We have had so many arguments about it and it causes so much resentment. It started when he was working long hours in a very demanding job and I was a SAHM. He retired a few years ago and I’m still running the show. He has a problem with his hands now too which means a lot of practical tasks are more difficult. I’m just exhausted , demoralised and resentful. Lately he’s started leaving lights on everywhere constantly. It drives me MAD.
I organise all holidays and activities. Even my own birthday. I’ve begged him to put some effort into thinking about things we can do as a couple but he just repeats my ideas back to me.

@MaverickSnoopy could I ask what app you use please as think that may help here! ❤️

@Tadpolle yes! On reading your posts - we are actually life twins. Exactly the same jobs and also I sort all the financial stuff and he pays me a certain amount each month and I ensure everything is sorted. I still sort childcare during the school hols like a mug. .

The problem is the practical stuff but I am also losing respect for my DH. For example l also refuse to take on HIS family birthdays etc but I see his mum remind him again and again to 'please message your sister its her birthday tomorrow' (his sister is very unwell) and he does not even send her a message, yet his family drop off everything for him. So the practical side of his family doesn't take up my time because I don't allow it to, but observing him treat others like that makes me find him unattractive. I used to mention it but he woudl be like "well it's not your sister so don't worry about it" or just say "it's not a big deal". Now I stay quiet but the loss of respect is still there

It's weird because he is loving and attentive when in the room and perfectly lovely to his family and friends when with them; but he makes zero effort to see them or check in unless they're right in front of him

I think counselling for you sounds like a great idea. Though I'm pretty sure my therapist was just edging me closer to leaving him...I stopped seeing her as couldn't make the time in the end!

he literally cannot flex around childcare in the day or else I would

This is BS, what do you think single parents with no back up do? He would be less likely to fuck up if he bore the consequences. Rescuing him is on you.

Oh @YellowRice .. you stopped therapy because you didn't have time! That's so ironic isn't it. How are things with you now?

Yes @AgentJohnson your point has been discussed and thoroughly agreed quite a bit earlier on in the thread.

As an aside, I work in a very male dominated environment and on more than one occasion I've heard men saying that if the 'the mrs' asks them to do something and if they do the job badly enough she won't ask again. Result for them👍and they seemed so proud to be that lazy.
They don't see the disrespect or unfairness in it at all because the woman just gets on with it.
It's a chosen strategy by a lot of them and I instantly lost a lot of respect for them.
Slow hand clap though, because I imagine this will be a factor in a lot of them being separated/divorced in the future.

Even my own cousin on his wedding day said that now he was married he didn't have to try so hard anymore.