Cannot get rid of resentment around metal load.

[Tadpolle]

I just typed a huge long post and lost it! Maybe for the best! Will try to be brief:

In a nutshell- I cannot solve the metal load problem with DP, desperate for ideas.

Both work full time. Primary aged DC. He does pretty much half daily load of domestic stuff like dc drops/ pick ups, teatimes bedtimes but it ends there and he doesn't THINK about anything. Unless I do it, it doesn't get sorted. Childcare, house stuff (we bought a dooer upper house before I knew he was like this- it started after dc). Holidays, house finances, work done to house, plans, trips, purchases, just everything. All on me. Last week we had no wraparound care for dc because he didn't email breakfast/ after school club having said he would. We'd had a big chat about mental load again and he had agreed to get better at doing shit so he made a point of saying he'd email. Just didn't. I'm the one who WFH so had to rush round for dc. Really messed up my working days.

Its having such a bad impact on our relationship. I feel resentful and he feels attacked if I get mad about it. We've tried list systems, calendar, sharing out jobs according to our skills, he seems to want to get better but it always just slips back to me having to hold everything together.

Has anyone ever actually solved this? Or got any more ideas?
I suggested counselling and he didn't want to but might need to insist.

I have to be honest here - I do all the mental load & every single lunch and dinner in this house (dh hasn’t cooked in 13 years)

ive only added his name to the school email list

but I do draw the line and don’t Iron his stuff or deal with mil or buy gifts for his side

I don’t have to sort bins or garden (4 acres) or any diy and he does all the runs to hobbies

but we are both content with this - I actually get more free time overall

Time for some drastic changes, @Tadpolle 💐

Eg every sat morning I get to myself and a couple of hours on two evenings- so I cook and it seems fair (sometimes I resent it as he’s a fussy eater so I get bored)

Do you work out of the home?

Kids hobbies I meant

He doesn't do it because he doesn't want to do it. If he's capable of holding done a normal job and doesn't have some kind of ND or other problem then he can do it.
This is why my last 2 marriages failed. I ended up despising them.

Sorry not very helpful but then neither is he.

Wait what? You send the kids to childcare or grandparents even when he is off? Do you similarly get any time without children when not working? How ridiculous

Everyone is right. He needs to feel the consequences of his fuck-ups.

If he forgets to book wraparound care, go and work outside the house that day so he has to tell work he can't come in.

You say he gets half the holiday "off" childcare. That's ridiculous in itself, but in the lead-up to the school holidays I'd let him know that he has a choice. Either he does the house shit he's promised to do, or you'll spend the holiday childcare budget on getting a professional in to do it and he'll have to have the kids the whole time.

If he's like my DH, there are certain tasks (anything car/roof related for my DH) that he gets very "motivated" about. Do nothing for those tasks and refuse to help until the other tasks are done.

If he's responsible for food shopping, don't rescue him. If there's nothing in the house for dinner, order takeaway for you and the kids but not him.

Personally, if I were you, I'd earmark some of your leave or take some unpaid leave for when he and the kids are at school. If he gets child free time to himself in the holidays, I think you should get some time just for you as well.

I would guess that he will never get to the point of making you any less resentful. He just won’t do it - on the basis of what you’ve said so far.
And I’d imagine that he does a lot of coasting at work.
The only way out of the resentment is to leave him.

What would he do if you stopped cooking for him? Starve?

I used to do the same as @BrutusMcDogface and batch up jobs for the holidays. Dentists appointment always at half term and bext appointment booked for the next holiday in 6 months time. Christmas shopping started at October half term. Research and book a holiday during February half term. And get through all the it can wait until half term jobs.

It’s difficult to do lots in term time but he is getting shit loads of child free holiday so he has plenty of time to pull his weight then.

He is a shit partner and you need to decide are you happy to accept it or are you going to tell him he needs to buck up
his ideas or you are leaving and actually mean it.

Another one you can change is if You have to book the holiday, he isn’t coming. And explain to him this will happen, and if it happens and you get home from taking the dc on holiday and he hasn’t kept up with the house and done some extra organising you will fall several kms like a chunk of lead out of love with him and you cannot always just recover this.
message his mum and him saying you are really sorry, you know it’s stressful but you are overloaded at the moment and not coping and you cannot help with relative, it’s on dh.
tell dh you won’t be there for his family if you split up so he may as well get some practice in.

My DH is a teacher and I totally get the flex thing. He has to be there at the same time every morning so it's always my job that is affected when thing go wrong (weirdly I also work for a charity full time and am I hugger earner). My DH is exactly the same. He has his jobs (bins, cooking dinner, tidying toys at end of day) and says "tell me if you need me to do anything else" but it feels like I'm a manager with an employee waiting for an instruction- we are not a partnership.

One example would be I asked him to book an electrician to fix something. He forgot to do it for months. Then one day I'm in a meeting in London and I get a call from an angry electrician stood outside our door and there is no one at home. DH didn't bother to check if I would be at home or tell me he'd finally done it. It would have been far easier for me to sort.

Sorry. A message of solidarity rather than any suggestion.

I've considered leaving him over it as I fear it will never ben equal. But there is a whole load of heart ache and practical and financial issues that would have come from that of course

*higher earner, not hugger earner. Ha ha!

Mumsnet favourite Dr Psych Mom has a podcast episode where she completely eviscerates this book and approach: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2jJbtLTa5AQmc1FA8XSGHb

How can anyone fancy and respect these pointless misogynists? I can't understand it.
OP why call him a 'partner'? He's a burden, just a boyfriend, who neglects his kids and males a complete mug of you.

Well that is ridiculous! When do you get half your holidays as a break?!? I am a teacher and look after mine all holiday every holiday except a few days of grandparents and paid care so that I can do my work. There is no excuse for him no to step up during the holidays.

@Tadpolle we used paid childcare during my DH school holidays too. It's so he can do stuff round the house but he rarely does.

I’m so sorry you’re facing this. It sounds soul crushing. Does he do anything to make you feel good? My mum was a teacher and she did all the holiday care and then some. It wouldn’t occur to her not to want to spend time with her kids. She was not a martyr just really enjoyed spending time. My dad worked really long hours but always made time for us. He had to pick us up most days. He always took off a Thursday afternoon to take us swimming. He owned his own business where emergencies would come up but he knew he always had to do the pick up. But back then there was no wrap around care ect so we just got on with it. My parents always seemed to be in it together.

Fast forward and I have a very equal marriage on this stuff. We both work full time and both step up equally. But I have had to police it. Point out when things were falling way more on me. But honestly when I have laid down the law he has massively stepped up. I do think having watched my parents navigate this stuff it was easier for me to say. No that’s nonsense, why am I running through four million jobs in my bed and you have zero.

It’s been mentioned up thread but I would find a therapist and work on this alone first. Good luck. It is shit that we are still having to fight so hard for solidarity in the home.

This.

Sorry op, my ex husband was exactly the same and no amount of lists and dividing chores made any difference so I think he is a lost cause.
He just can't be arsed because you will always bail him out.

Funnily enough the chores my ex regularly 'forgot' (despite lists for both of us being written on the fridge door) didn't directly impact him in any way.
In the end the resentment grew to a level where I didn't find him remotely attractive because he just didn't care enough to do what was very clearly asked of him.
I divorced him and the list of tasks more than halved overnight. It was a fucking revelation!

I would highly recommend getting rid of yours and liberate yourself from being totally taken for granted.

This is who he is. This is how he shows his version of 'love', is that good enough for you?
I think you deserve waaaay better than this useless clown xxxx

What’s worked for us, even with DP’s ADHD (which conveniently doesn’t affect anything he enjoys – he always remembers to buy gig tickets or records the day they come out):

He’s in charge of washing. I don’t comment on his system or how long it takes. My only interference is chucking bags of clean dry washing into his wardrobe so I don’t have to look at them.

He’s in charge of the food shop, top-up shops, fridge checks, going back to the shop when he’s forgotten something, etc. I’ll write a meal plan but only because I can’t bear his cooking choices/lack of vegetables.

He has phone alarms for cleaning the dishwasher, washing machine and tumble filter, and other regularly scheduled jobs like the bins, and does them. Whereas spot cleaning and tidying and decluttering is my department because he just can’t see it. I don’t comment or get involved in his tasks, even if the bin bag splits and he’s forgotten to get more so he has to rush to the shop, buy bin bags, decant split bag into one, etc, and turn a 2-minute job into an odyssey.

Big A3 paper wall planner on the wall (obviously) for the year, meal plan and week plan on the fridge - I transcribe what’s going on into this. Any questions I say “is it not on one of the planners?” or similar until it sinks in that he can solve his problem himself, the information is there. Eg he’ll go “What size nappies should I get for the baby?” when he’s the one who does the morning poonami change so he should be familiar. “Does DD need sun tan lotion for the park?” gets met with a withering stare. “Should I post this letter?” Yes, up your bum. Gradually, gradually, the stupid questions have reduced and the remembering has increased.

I refuse to engage with stupid questions, or questions more than once, or to fix his mistakes. Eg he was supposed to buy some summer clothes for DD, he wanted me to check his online shopping basket, as though he doesn’t interact with her and see what she wears daily anyway. Then he ordered it all to our old address: his problem to fix. Then he’d ordered a random grab bag of unhelpful stuff – lots of party dresses, no shorts or play clothes, nothing with pockets, no sun hat – and had to go into town to get what she actually needed. All on him. Not getting involved.

Don’t get involved! His chickens need to come home to roost: at the moment you’re taking his chickens and roosting for him and he’s living a lovely chicken-free existence. Remember: you are not the family office manager.

I’d give him one big area to be solely responsible for ( plus childcare in his/ their school holidays)
so food is a big one and then take a massive step back from organising or even thinking about it. Leave it all to him.
I’d carry on with everything else laundry , cleaning etc as not point letting every other area get behind.

So many great posts and phrases I use all the time too like 'I'm not the manager at home as well as at work'. I haven't posted it before but lots of us have had similar threads.

@YellowRice we sound like life twins. I had the same as with your electrician except for me it was the cooker man banging on the door when I was on Teams with my boss having my new job probation review.

I already don't touch his laundry at all and he does do dc laundry at least half the time. Never bought an item of dc clothing though.

Also I did mention but I'll say again because you're all correct and it's so vital- I go on holiday without him with friends- every 2 years something a bit bigger so next month I'm going to Venice with my best mate for 4 nights, plus about 3 times a year I go away with friends for a weekend without partners or anyone's dc. (We borrow someone's holiday home in UK so it's cheap.) I have also been away with my mum and dc for a week twice.

@Tadpolle

And is he solely responsible for everything during those times?

Or does he outsource the kids to his mum? After you've planned and organised everything for him?