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Original poster

What would you make of this?

79 replies

SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 17:54

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went out and bumped into an old friend of his.

We all chatted for a whle and then this guy said he had a big birthday coming up and was planning a night out. Not a restricted numbers thing. He invited my boyfriend and the invitation was extended to me. I know that. I was standing right there.

Anyway, it's been mentioned a few times in the intervening weeks. Each time my boyfriend has asked if I'm going, said he'd love me to be there, but has followed it up with reasons why I probably wouldn't enjoy it.

He's clearly been putting me off.

It's happening tomorrow. He mentioned earlier this evening that a friend of his has offered him tickets to a gig elsewhere but he can't go because he's going out for this birthday and asked if I wanted them. So clearly doesn't want me there.

Now, there will be loads of people there and I know none of them. He'll know most of them. He hasn't seem some of them for years. Certainly since before lockdown.

If he'd said to me that he'd just really like ro spend a night out catching up with old friends etc, I'd have been fine with that and he knows me well enough to know that. But I don't understand why he's repeatedly told me he'd love me to go and then immediately followed it up with reasons why I wouldn't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:25

Anyone? 😕

I don't know what to do or say or how to handle this.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 19/05/2023 18:28

I think you should sit him down and say it’s quite clear he doesn’t want you there and ask him why. It does seem odd - is an old flame going or something?

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:32

Purplecatshopaholic · 19/05/2023 18:28

I think you should sit him down and say it’s quite clear he doesn’t want you there and ask him why. It does seem odd - is an old flame going or something?

Tbh, that my my first thought too. It would certainly explain why he is telling me he'd love me to he there with him but them actively putting me off to the point I don't feel like I could go. In his head, he probably thinks he looks like he's thinking of me.

I have sat him down and asked him - i told hik it was obvious. He denied it and just repeated the same. That he's not trying to put me off. He'd love me to be there. It's just that...

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thistimelastweek · 19/05/2023 18:42

Sometimes old friends have a stock of memories and reminiscences that you don't necessarily want new girlfriends to hear. Nothing reprehensible, just embarrassing.

Could it be that?

perfectcolourfound · 19/05/2023 18:42

Then I'd take him at face value and go, if that's what you want to do.

He may be genuinely concerned that you won't enjoy it. He may think he's relax more if he isn't worrying about you being OK amongst a load of strangers. He may be concerned that you won't like or get on with some of them.

But if any of those things are the case, he should be honest and tell you that.

In your shoes I would definitely go. You were invited and wanted to, after all, and your bf is saying he wants you there.

ameliaandme · 19/05/2023 18:48

Knowing my husband I would think they don't want me there which is totally understandable and totally fine,they don't want to offend me by saying "they don't want me there".

I would never jump to the conclusion they were having an affair.

My husband wouldn't want me there anymore than I would want him on a night out with just my friends / workmates. I don't think thats weird.

Do you want him to outright say he doesn't want you to go because it seems obvious he doesn't want to, doesn't mean there's a malicious reason as to why.

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:49

perfectcolourfound · 19/05/2023 18:42

Then I'd take him at face value and go, if that's what you want to do.

He may be genuinely concerned that you won't enjoy it. He may think he's relax more if he isn't worrying about you being OK amongst a load of strangers. He may be concerned that you won't like or get on with some of them.

But if any of those things are the case, he should be honest and tell you that.

In your shoes I would definitely go. You were invited and wanted to, after all, and your bf is saying he wants you there.

The thing is, I did want to go but now I'm not so sure. It's annoyed me that his strategy has been successful tbh.

I've convinced myself that I'd have a terrible evening. Which is, I think what he wanted me to feel, whilst still being able to maintain a position of "Aren't you coming? That's a shame. I'd have loved you to be there..."

I just feel manipulated into not going but too nervous about it now to go.

thistimelastweek

He doesn't really do being embarrassed.

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Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:51

ameliaandme · 19/05/2023 18:48

Knowing my husband I would think they don't want me there which is totally understandable and totally fine,they don't want to offend me by saying "they don't want me there".

I would never jump to the conclusion they were having an affair.

My husband wouldn't want me there anymore than I would want him on a night out with just my friends / workmates. I don't think thats weird.

Do you want him to outright say he doesn't want you to go because it seems obvious he doesn't want to, doesn't mean there's a malicious reason as to why.

Yes, I would prefer he was honest with me rather than doubling down on a lie.

I wouldn't care one bit if he said he hasn't seen th for ages and would rather spend the evening with them rather than worrying about whether I was having a nice time.

The issue is that I feel he's manipulating it so that it becomes my decision not to go. And I don't like that.

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Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:52

I'd be far more offended at being lied to and manipulated than I ever would at someone expressing a genuine preference.

And he knows this.

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BatFaceOwl · 19/05/2023 18:54

How long have you been together

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:54

It makes me feel that I can't trust him.

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Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:54

BatFaceOwl · 19/05/2023 18:54

How long have you been together

About 2 years.

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BatFaceOwl · 19/05/2023 18:56

Well only you can make this call tbh

I personally wouldn't go. He's clearly trying to put you off but in a way that makes you think it was your decision to not go

I'd just reiterate that it was clear he wasn't keen on you coming so you won't be.

And then have a think about where this potentially leaves you

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:57

I personally wouldn't go. He's clearly trying to put you off but in a way that makes you think it was your decision to not go

No. I'm not going to.

I don't have an issue with him not wanting to go.

I do have an issue with being lied to and manipulated into it.

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Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:58

Not wanting me to go.

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CharlotteSometimes1 · 19/05/2023 18:59

Could you choose to go, but say if it’s not your kind of thing or whatever it is he’s saying then you’ll only stay for a short while and head home. No pressure on him to leave with you, but you’d like to show your face?

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 19/05/2023 19:01

Before you make a decision, can you ask your boyfriend to check if any other girlfriends will be going.
I’m sure you don’t want to be the only one there.

Prettybutdumb · 19/05/2023 19:05

SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 18:54

It makes me feel that I can't trust him.

I tried to put myself in his shoes. The reality is I wouldn’t relax with my husband next to me if I went to a gathering with mates that he’s not familiar with. It would be an evening / night of me having to explain inside jokes, feeling like I have to ‘babysit’ him and make sure he’s ok, be in wife mode maybe when I’d rather act a little different / laugh a little louder, whatever. It’s probably that.

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:08

GenerallyGreenerGrass · 19/05/2023 19:01

Before you make a decision, can you ask your boyfriend to check if any other girlfriends will be going.
I’m sure you don’t want to be the only one there.

There will be lots of people there. Men and women. Some with partners and spouses, some without. Depending on their situation.

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Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:10

Prettybutdumb · 19/05/2023 19:05

I tried to put myself in his shoes. The reality is I wouldn’t relax with my husband next to me if I went to a gathering with mates that he’s not familiar with. It would be an evening / night of me having to explain inside jokes, feeling like I have to ‘babysit’ him and make sure he’s ok, be in wife mode maybe when I’d rather act a little different / laugh a little louder, whatever. It’s probably that.

Show quote history

So why not be honest?

He knows I prefer honesty. He also knows I wouldn't have a problem with it excuse its happened before when we'd not long been together. I told him to have a good time and that was it. Not a problem in the slightest.

It's the lying and telling e he'd love me to be there when he clearly wouldn't that I'm bothered about. Not the fact he wants to spend an evening with his friends.

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Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:11

I don't like being lied to or manipulated.

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Nap1983 · 19/05/2023 19:16

I’d play him at his own game tbh. Next time he says you’ll not enjoy it id say I’m sure it’ll be great Im Definitely coming really looking forward to it. There obviously is a reason he doesn’t want you to go, and if it’s minor he could have just said. I’ve had nights myself and my husband have been invited to and I’ve just told him I’m going alone no you won’t enjoy it… that’s bullshit

Superdupes · 19/05/2023 19:16

Maybe he'd love you to be there (if he knew for sure that you'd have a great time too) but at the same time knows it'll be much easier if he doesn't have to worry about whether you're having a great time or not.

I would go for a short time and leave early because you're meeting up with friends. IMO that's the best of both worlds for both of you. If he's not keen on that idea though then I'd be wondering why.

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:19

The problem with that (good) suggestion is that we'd be travelling together and it would be too far for me to get a taxi back home- I'd be looking at £40 or so. He'll probably stop at his afterwards which is closer to where it is. But still a decent taxi journey back.

It wouldn't make sense to do it.

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Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:20

Nap1983 · 19/05/2023 19:16

I’d play him at his own game tbh. Next time he says you’ll not enjoy it id say I’m sure it’ll be great Im Definitely coming really looking forward to it. There obviously is a reason he doesn’t want you to go, and if it’s minor he could have just said. I’ve had nights myself and my husband have been invited to and I’ve just told him I’m going alone no you won’t enjoy it… that’s bullshit

If he'd just said he wanted to go alone that would have been fine. At least it would be honest.

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