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Original poster

What would you make of this?

79 replies

SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 17:54

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went out and bumped into an old friend of his.

We all chatted for a whle and then this guy said he had a big birthday coming up and was planning a night out. Not a restricted numbers thing. He invited my boyfriend and the invitation was extended to me. I know that. I was standing right there.

Anyway, it's been mentioned a few times in the intervening weeks. Each time my boyfriend has asked if I'm going, said he'd love me to be there, but has followed it up with reasons why I probably wouldn't enjoy it.

He's clearly been putting me off.

It's happening tomorrow. He mentioned earlier this evening that a friend of his has offered him tickets to a gig elsewhere but he can't go because he's going out for this birthday and asked if I wanted them. So clearly doesn't want me there.

Now, there will be loads of people there and I know none of them. He'll know most of them. He hasn't seem some of them for years. Certainly since before lockdown.

If he'd said to me that he'd just really like ro spend a night out catching up with old friends etc, I'd have been fine with that and he knows me well enough to know that. But I don't understand why he's repeatedly told me he'd love me to go and then immediately followed it up with reasons why I wouldn't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:19

FictionalCharacter · 19/05/2023 20:13

If you asked “do you really want me to go or not?” Do you think he’d be honest?

I did ask him. He just repeated the mantra "I'd love you to be there but..." no explanation, no expansion. Just that. No mention of "You'll meet X and his wife Y. I've known his wife since school. You'll like her she's lovely. He's lovely too but just don't get him.started in the subject of... You'll never shut him up!" Which is what he normally does.

So, no. I don't think he's be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:21

if he’d said to you directly he didn’t want you to go for the reasons given above, you’d be on here posting about how suspicious it is and what a terrible guy he is

Ypu clearly haven't read my posts very well then.

OP posts:
Kreftla · 19/05/2023 20:24

I think you are over thinking this. I’ve said the same to partners before, that I would love them to come, but they might not enjoy the music/not know anyone etc.

If you wanted to go, why didn’t you say, ‘I don’t mind the music and not knowing anyone, it would be nice to meet more of your friends. What time should head over?’

bunnypenny · 19/05/2023 20:25

SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:21

if he’d said to you directly he didn’t want you to go for the reasons given above, you’d be on here posting about how suspicious it is and what a terrible guy he is

Ypu clearly haven't read my posts very well then.

I have and I don’t believe you. You like honesty until it’s him directly telling you not to go to an event you’ve been invited to, because him telling you that would be, as you’ve said, totally out of character. Just like him asking you to make up your own mind about going is also apparently completely out of character. And because he’s done that, you’re straight to MN asking for opinions.

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:27

He’s given you valid reasons why you wouldn’t enjoy it. You’ve agreed with those reasons.

They're not valid reasons.

The first time I met him was because I'd gone to a gig on my own where I didn't know anyone. I have no issue meeting people.i don't know. It is correct that I wouldn't know anyone but that has never been an impediment to me.

We have similar tastes inusic. I said that it will be more hardcore than I'd listen to while washing up at home (but not on a night out or at a gig.)

We've seen a few bands together that I wouldnt have seen on my own for similar reasons. He's never felt it was a reason for me to stay at home before.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:28

bunnypenny · 19/05/2023 20:25

I have and I don’t believe you. You like honesty until it’s him directly telling you not to go to an event you’ve been invited to, because him telling you that would be, as you’ve said, totally out of character. Just like him asking you to make up your own mind about going is also apparently completely out of character. And because he’s done that, you’re straight to MN asking for opinions.

Show quote history

He hasn't told me directly not to go.

He's said he'd love me to be there and then given half arsed reasons why I might prefer not to that don't stack up.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:30

Kreftla · 19/05/2023 20:24

I think you are over thinking this. I’ve said the same to partners before, that I would love them to come, but they might not enjoy the music/not know anyone etc.

If you wanted to go, why didn’t you say, ‘I don’t mind the music and not knowing anyone, it would be nice to meet more of your friends. What time should head over?’

Tbh, I was a bit thrown by it because he hasn't ever happened before.

I did initially say I'd go and was looking forward to it but then the comments started and the doubts set in.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:32

Like I said, if he'd just said outright- look I haven't seen these people for a few years and we've known each other for decades - I'd really just like to spend the evening getting drunk and catching up, I wouldn't have thought anything of it.

OP posts:
Thighdentitycrisis · 19/05/2023 20:34

I’m with you OP
Id just want him to be honest
I think in your position I would be honest with him and ask “are you trying to say indirectly that you would prefer if I didn’t come? “

Inkypot · 19/05/2023 20:34

Right, so unless he'd says exactly what you want to hear you won't accept it and will continue searching and searching for red flags that most of us can see aren't there.
As before- you sound young and you're overthinking. There is absolutely nothing your boyfriend can actually do or say to make you believe him at this point. Genuinely feel sorry for the guy.

Thighdentitycrisis · 19/05/2023 20:35

Then if he said yes, I would be massively pissed off for being lied to and manipulated

Inkypot · 19/05/2023 20:35

Thighdentitycrisis · 19/05/2023 20:34

I’m with you OP
Id just want him to be honest
I think in your position I would be honest with him and ask “are you trying to say indirectly that you would prefer if I didn’t come? “

Her posts suggests she already did this and he answered but not in a way acceptable to OP 🤷‍♀️

neveradullmoment99 · 19/05/2023 20:36

He could have been a 'different' person then? So he might not be free to act like his old self with you around? People act differently sometimes with people at work, old friends etc. I doubt he would ever admit to that. Maybe that is why he is denying it.

Valour · 19/05/2023 20:36

I'm with the OP. Your BF's behaviour has changed, which is always a bit of a worry. It could be an ex, or maybe someone who has too many embarrassing stories about him. I'd have to go to the party... I'd have to know what it was he was nervous about.

neveradullmoment99 · 19/05/2023 20:37

I think I would also want to go.

Boomshock · 19/05/2023 21:04

My ex was like this for certain things and it was because he wanted to do drugs.

lavenderhaz · 19/05/2023 21:14

I'd go! Try be cheery about it and have a nice night. If you're worried it will be easier to keep an eye if you're there with him! Tell
Him you're excited to meet everyone.

Ilikealltings · 19/05/2023 21:19

I would go 150%

SallyWD · 19/05/2023 21:27

To be honest I much prefer to hang out with my old friends without DH. It just changes the dynamic when he's there. I mean not in a terrible way and DH is very nice but it is different. Maybe he just wants a night with his mates.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/05/2023 21:59

He's said he would love you to be there - whereas in actual fact I think he wants a night off and fancies a night on his own with old mates- but is too much of wuss to say so

MysteryBelle · 19/05/2023 22:27

thistimelastweek · 19/05/2023 18:42

Sometimes old friends have a stock of memories and reminiscences that you don't necessarily want new girlfriends to hear. Nothing reprehensible, just embarrassing.

Could it be that?

This is what I think too. He will feel weird talking over old times with you sitting there, he will feel like he has to kind of watch what he says.

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 22:34

SallyWD · 19/05/2023 21:27

To be honest I much prefer to hang out with my old friends without DH. It just changes the dynamic when he's there. I mean not in a terrible way and DH is very nice but it is different. Maybe he just wants a night with his mates.

I completely understand this and can imagine I'd feel similarly. That's not the issue.

But why lie about it? Why not just say?

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 22:35

Crikeyalmighty · 19/05/2023 21:59

He's said he would love you to be there - whereas in actual fact I think he wants a night off and fancies a night on his own with old mates- but is too much of wuss to say so

That level of wussiness is not attractive

OP posts:
MysteryBelle · 19/05/2023 22:36

Imagine, op, you sitting there with all his old friends, none of which you know. They will feel constrained talking about old times, don’t you think?

He’s trying to gently explain it to you, that he’d love you to be there but you don’t know anyone, they don’t know you, they’re presumably not bringing new people along, op they’re going to be talking about stories and experiences that you were not a part of, it is night precisely for talking over old times. That’s why you wouldn’t enjoy it. It’s not a party where old times are not the centerpiece but this is. Do you get it?

Your boyfriend has done nothing wrong. He’s trying to gently explain. If you want me to be blunt with you, I will. These old stories are the centerpiece and as such, a stranger’s presence will make everyone close up like clams, I mean you understand that, right?

Later on, you can meet all these people. They haven’t seen each other in years so yes the central activity will be old times. Later there will be parties and get togethers and events and activities where you can get to know all these friends of bf.

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 22:36

MysteryBelle · 19/05/2023 22:27

This is what I think too. He will feel weird talking over old times with you sitting there, he will feel like he has to kind of watch what he says.

Show quote history

So why not just say he wants a night out with his friends? He has done before.

OP posts:
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