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Original poster

What would you make of this?

79 replies

SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 17:54

A few weeks ago, my boyfriend and I went out and bumped into an old friend of his.

We all chatted for a whle and then this guy said he had a big birthday coming up and was planning a night out. Not a restricted numbers thing. He invited my boyfriend and the invitation was extended to me. I know that. I was standing right there.

Anyway, it's been mentioned a few times in the intervening weeks. Each time my boyfriend has asked if I'm going, said he'd love me to be there, but has followed it up with reasons why I probably wouldn't enjoy it.

He's clearly been putting me off.

It's happening tomorrow. He mentioned earlier this evening that a friend of his has offered him tickets to a gig elsewhere but he can't go because he's going out for this birthday and asked if I wanted them. So clearly doesn't want me there.

Now, there will be loads of people there and I know none of them. He'll know most of them. He hasn't seem some of them for years. Certainly since before lockdown.

If he'd said to me that he'd just really like ro spend a night out catching up with old friends etc, I'd have been fine with that and he knows me well enough to know that. But I don't understand why he's repeatedly told me he'd love me to go and then immediately followed it up with reasons why I wouldn't like it.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:21

Superdupes · 19/05/2023 19:16

Maybe he'd love you to be there (if he knew for sure that you'd have a great time too) but at the same time knows it'll be much easier if he doesn't have to worry about whether you're having a great time or not.

I would go for a short time and leave early because you're meeting up with friends. IMO that's the best of both worlds for both of you. If he's not keen on that idea though then I'd be wondering why.

And why not just be honest if that is the reason. That's a perfectly reasonable way for someone to feel.

OP posts:
Jellykat · 19/05/2023 19:25

Has this happened before OP?

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:27

Jellykat · 19/05/2023 19:25

Has this happened before OP?

No.

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:39

The lack of honesty makes think that there will either be someone there he doesn't want me to meet or he is embarrassed by me.

OP posts:
Jellykat · 19/05/2023 19:41

Ok, well i'd agree with previous posters, he's being cowardly in not just being honest i.e he'd prefer to go by himself this time.

However, if it happens again and you get the feeling you're being manipulated, it could be a red flag.. reason i say that is my ex used to put me off going out to things together all the time i.e 'oh it'll be boring, i dont want to go, but have to' etc.. more i think to keep me at home and kill any fun i might have (of course i didnt realize it at the time)

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:42

Thkng is. Cowardliness and manipulation aren't exactly attractive qualities are they?

OP posts:
Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:44

I wouldn't stay in, I'd go out and do something else. There are a couple of bands playing locally I'd be happy to go to on my own.

OP posts:
Stabee · 19/05/2023 19:46

Either he can't be bothered to look after you, has something to hide, hopes to reconnect with someone from the past or is embarrassed you aren't a model (when he isn't either). I had an ex with the latter complex. All bad. So I'd definitely call his bluff and go! Either this is going to work or it's not. Find out.

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:49

Tbh, I couldn't go now even if I wanted to. I'd feel so self conscious and aware of everything that I'd be shit company and I don't actualy want him to have a crap night.

I just want him to be honest with me.

OP posts:
EggInANest · 19/05/2023 19:51

What reasons is he giving that he thinks you wouldn’t enjoy it?

Is he embarrassed by his old friends?

You say you like honesty and openness, so tell him directly how you are feeling and that you want him to be straight!

Jellykat · 19/05/2023 19:51

I'd go too, but only from personal experience.. let him know he cant manipulate you. If he is embarrassed by you then you shouldn't be with such a tosser, same with if theres someone he doesnt want you to meet!

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:56

EggInANest · 19/05/2023 19:51

What reasons is he giving that he thinks you wouldn’t enjoy it?

Is he embarrassed by his old friends?

You say you like honesty and openness, so tell him directly how you are feeling and that you want him to be straight!

I won't know anyone there and I wouldn't like the music. Those are the two reasons.

It's true, I wouldn't know anyone else there but then I got to lots of places where I don't know people. I didn't know any of his friends until I did.

And I wouldn't like the music. It's more hardcore than I'd listen to whilst doing the washing up but we met through similar tastes in music. It's not like I listen to Taylor Swift and its a night of thrash metal!

OP posts:
Needanewnamebeingwatched · 19/05/2023 19:57

I would definitely go along and as you are clearly a confident person, you would go out on your own, then go and meet his friends.

Otherwise you would always wonder who was there.

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:59

Otherwise you would always wonder who was there.

I know.

The thing is, I'm confident on my own. I wouldn't be confident if I felt I was somewhere I wasn't wanted.

I'm quietly confident. Not ballsy!

OP posts:
airey · 19/05/2023 20:00

SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 19:39

The lack of honesty makes think that there will either be someone there he doesn't want me to meet or he is embarrassed by me.

Trust your gut on this one, i suspect you're right

Years ago a boyfriend discouraged me from going to a ball. He forgot his phone and left it at home. At about midnight, before he got home, a text came through.. 'amazing to see you. I'd wait for you, if you waited for me xxx'

there was no name on the text but i asked him about it as he walked through the door. Slightly drunk, he explained he'd met an old flame from university who he'd used to joke that he'd marry if neither of them had met anyone by 30. He said it was 'all a silly joke', she was 'ugly anyway' apparently...

It wasn't until months later when we finally did split, that I reflected she wouldn't have sent that kind of a message if it had been just a joke! She clearly was made to think that there was something there.

Honestly there were various little red flags with that boyfriend, I really should have listened to my gut...but we'd also been together 2 years, and I believed his explanations...

He cheated on me a few months after this!

So yeah, trust your gut.

I'd either consider splitting up with him, or definitely go, and see who's there that he knows from way back...

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:01

He's never before made me feel that I wasn't wanted. He's always been happy for me to go anywhere and meet anyone with him before.

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 19/05/2023 20:06

Does that group do drugs And you wouldn’t like that ?

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:09

statetrooperstacey · 19/05/2023 20:06

Does that group do drugs And you wouldn’t like that ?

No. Nothing like that. He's anti drugs. There'll be a lot of drinking, dancing, chatting, laughing but nothing otherwise untoward.

OP posts:
Inkypot · 19/05/2023 20:10

@ameliaandme I would say the same as you.
OP you sound very young/insecure in your comments and come across as someone who is looking for an argument with your boyfriend rather than someone in an adult relationship. You're obsessing over this lie that you don't even know exists, he's said he would be happy for you to go and has highlighted reasons you might prefer not to go. He's letting you choose.
Honestly he sounds like the mature one in your relationship and he'll probably have more fun on his own. If this is your reaction now we can only imagine how you'd be if any old female friends dare to say hi to him at the party.
But no doubt you'll insist you're right, and that is your right. Just don't overthink yourself right out the relationship because of self sabotaging.

FictionalCharacter · 19/05/2023 20:13

If you asked “do you really want me to go or not?” Do you think he’d be honest?

Original poster
SaturdayNightInMyLivingRoom · 19/05/2023 20:15

Oh please. He has plenty of 'old female friends' 🙄

Some I've met/been introduced to; some I've heard about but not met; some he's probably not mentioned. That's not an issue at all.and he knows that. He's met my male friends too. No problems there either.

But this is very out of character for him. He usually invites me to and wants me at everything. Doesn't mean I always go - ive been invited to gigs with him and his friends and not gone etc but this is the first time he's actively put me off.

OP posts:
bunnypenny · 19/05/2023 20:17

He’s given you valid reasons why you wouldn’t enjoy it. You’ve agreed with those reasons. He’s told you he does want you there but is concerned you won’t enjoy it and you’ve agreed you may not. He wants to enjoy his night with his friends (who you don’t know) and not worry about whether you’re having fun - he doesn’t want to upset you by saying it (even though I think he’s been pretty direct) because you were invited by his friend.

honestly the number of times you’ve mentioned “feeling manipulated” in this thread makes me think you’re looking for red flags and you’re pretty sensitive. He doesn’t sound manipulative, he sounds like he doesn’t want to upset you. But sure, you go ahead and feel manipulated.

if he’d said to you directly he didn’t want you to go for the reasons given above, you’d be on here posting about how suspicious it is and what a terrible guy he is and you’d have everyone agreeing he’s cheating on you. Instead he’s leaving it to you to decide and instead you’re upset you have to make a decision and you’ve convinced yourself you’re being manipulated. The guy can’t win.

Inkypot · 19/05/2023 20:18

Your "oh please!" response tells us everything really.

RandomMess · 19/05/2023 20:18

TBH I would tell him you are looking forward it, that not knowing anyone yet and the music doesn't bother you.

See what he comes up with next then yet again ask him for the truth about why he doesn't want you there.

Inkypot · 19/05/2023 20:18

bunnypenny · 19/05/2023 20:17

He’s given you valid reasons why you wouldn’t enjoy it. You’ve agreed with those reasons. He’s told you he does want you there but is concerned you won’t enjoy it and you’ve agreed you may not. He wants to enjoy his night with his friends (who you don’t know) and not worry about whether you’re having fun - he doesn’t want to upset you by saying it (even though I think he’s been pretty direct) because you were invited by his friend.

honestly the number of times you’ve mentioned “feeling manipulated” in this thread makes me think you’re looking for red flags and you’re pretty sensitive. He doesn’t sound manipulative, he sounds like he doesn’t want to upset you. But sure, you go ahead and feel manipulated.

if he’d said to you directly he didn’t want you to go for the reasons given above, you’d be on here posting about how suspicious it is and what a terrible guy he is and you’d have everyone agreeing he’s cheating on you. Instead he’s leaving it to you to decide and instead you’re upset you have to make a decision and you’ve convinced yourself you’re being manipulated. The guy can’t win.

Well said 👏

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