Financial control? Or am I being ungrateful?

[Incognitobambino]

I need an outsider's perspective on the dynamics in my relationship regarding money.

Me - sahm to 3 school age kids. Very part time job, between 100-400/month. I'm trying to find a job with more hours but not much luck so far
Oh - works full time, £5k/month take home.

Other than £400/month for groceries I get nothing from my husband. He does pay most of the bills, but I have to cover all school costs - trips, uniforms, shoes, after school clubs as well as gifts for family birthdays and fuel for my car. If I work in school holidays I'm expected to cover childcare costs. I am always broke by the middle of the month but if I ask oh for more money or pay for something on the joint account he might give it to me or he might sulk so I stopped asking as I get scared to ask. I've myself into credit card debt just trying to keep the kids fed and cared for. I can't afford anything like the dentist or hairdresser for myself. I've put on weight and can't afford a rain coat that fits.

My husband swans around in his flash car, cycles an e bike and plays around with his 3d printer. He obsessed over putting money away for the future when I can barely put food in the fridge. I can't talk about it, when I try I just end up with a lecture on how "broke" we are.

I should just be grateful he earns well and pays the mortgage and bills. So why do I feel so desperate and held hostage to when he decides something is worth spending money on?

It isn’t fair that he has all the purse strings - but maybe he also feels resentful that you are not working- when it sounds like the kids are school age?
I would focus on getting yourself a job and some independence from him .

You're not married? Why would you agree to bring up your children without any financial input from him? You know if you separate he won't owe you anything except child support?

It's financial abuse. I couldn't be married to someone who was living the high life while I didn't even have a coat that fit
He sounds like a complete arsehole

So you are living in poverty and being financially abused by him.

You need to get on to Women's aid for advice.

Apply for child benefit because you are in debt because of his abuse.

This is a bad man.

Stop think he is good.

He is scum.

Paying the very very least he can.

Get help.

It is financial abuse. You should have equal disposable income/ spends.

stopped asking as I get scared to ask

There you go. If you ever have to say this about your partner, you're not in a healthy relationship.

Contact family and friends.

Calculate CMS amount.

You might be better off leaving him.

Make no mistake, this is abuse.

He is financially abusive.

Really abusive and controlling.

My husband swans around in his flash car, cycles an e bike and plays around with his 3d printer.

She's married to this man who is keeping his wife and children in poverty

This

It does seem relevant to me to ask if they are his kids, even though I basically think he is an arsehole. Are they?

I don't see how different people in a family unit can live different lifestyles, it is absurd.
On the other hand, I think that with school aged kids, women should work.
Being a SAHM can be great when kids are young and if both parties agree to it, but it is clear that your husband is not happy with this arrangement, otherwise he won't be behaving that way.
In any case it is a disgrace he is living the high life and you cannot afford basic stuff

You are being financially abused here by your H who is more than happy to see both you and his children on the breadline. Your marriage is over or should be now because of this abuse he is meting out to you. I would also think that sadly he is not solely financially abusive either; does he try and put you down verbally too?.

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

The fact that you're grateful that he pays the bills etc shows also a bar that is way too low for a relationship. This is not a good man.

Please can people stop apologising for and excusing abuse. It doesn't matter if the OP works 2 hours or 200. He is controlling and abusive.

Charge him for the childcare you do. He's a prick I hate stingy men

Do folks really not understand what financial abuse is? It isn’t financial abuse. He is not taking her money or preventing her working and earning, he hasn’t stopped her accessing her own accounts, he doesn’t steal from her or make her spend her money on things for him, he is not depriving her of her money.

not giving her his money is not financial abuse. If she wants more money she needs to work more and earn it.

https://www.anncrafttrust.org/what-is-financial-abuse/

He pays £400 for groceries, I am guessing that you need to subsidise this to cover the food bill for 5 of you? I think you need to spell it out for him, what you earn plus what he gives you less what you spend on groceries plus school trips, petrol etc so you can demonstrate the situation you are in. Perhaps spend less on groceries and when he asks where the food is tell him you can't afford it. Then ask for a breakdown of his income less bills to see how much he has for personal expenses each month.

And he will charge her for rent bills and food? What’s your point?

you can't afford a new raincoat or to go to dentist, with a take home family income of 5400? And he spends what he wants on luxury items? Do you need to ask?

No she can’t afford a new coat or the dentist on between 100-400 a month earnings.

I’d give my partner half of everything I had. Another bloke who thinks raising kids is lesser work and his time on earth is worth more.

Did you know that if you get cashback on your shopping it won't show as a separate transaction on your joint account statement?

@Incognitobambino - if you've read that question and thought "that's a good idea - he wouldn't have to know", then it is most definitely financial abuse.

It sounds like, on the basis of you having to pay for childcare if you want to work, he wants you to not work, but wants you to have absolutely nothing.

This is not a healthy relationship.

@Prettylittleroses women's aid: Financial abuse can leave women with no money for basic essentials such as food and clothing.

The OP and her children are being financially abused.

Is this a fkn joke? She looks after the kids. Seriously