Financial control? Or am I being ungrateful?

[Incognitobambino]

I need an outsider's perspective on the dynamics in my relationship regarding money.

Me - sahm to 3 school age kids. Very part time job, between 100-400/month. I'm trying to find a job with more hours but not much luck so far
Oh - works full time, £5k/month take home.

Other than £400/month for groceries I get nothing from my husband. He does pay most of the bills, but I have to cover all school costs - trips, uniforms, shoes, after school clubs as well as gifts for family birthdays and fuel for my car. If I work in school holidays I'm expected to cover childcare costs. I am always broke by the middle of the month but if I ask oh for more money or pay for something on the joint account he might give it to me or he might sulk so I stopped asking as I get scared to ask. I've myself into credit card debt just trying to keep the kids fed and cared for. I can't afford anything like the dentist or hairdresser for myself. I've put on weight and can't afford a rain coat that fits.

My husband swans around in his flash car, cycles an e bike and plays around with his 3d printer. He obsessed over putting money away for the future when I can barely put food in the fridge. I can't talk about it, when I try I just end up with a lecture on how "broke" we are.

I should just be grateful he earns well and pays the mortgage and bills. So why do I feel so desperate and held hostage to when he decides something is worth spending money on?

YANBU. You should be working as a family unit and you should both know exactly what is coming in and going out.

He is depriving you of money to pay for things that the children need.

This is financial abuse, as you should not be paying for everything for them. He is depriving his family of money. you should not be getting into debt to provide for them while he spends/stashes the lot.

He is controlling you by not giving you any money.

He is being extremely selfish and living the life as if he does not have a family to support.

If he wants you to work more hours and contribute more, then you need to look at how that can be acheived around school hours, and childcare costs, holidays etc, to see what is best for you both and the DC.

No decent man would see his family and his partner go without while he spends all of his money on himself or stashes it away.

You need a serious talk with him to try and change things for the future, and if he won't agree, then you have some serious decisions to make.

If you leave him, you could get assistance with rent, council tax etc, and claim child benefit, and he would have to pay maintenance. You could be better off financially and have less stress as well.

You would also have control over your own life.

• Harming, depriving or disadvantaging the victim
• Controlling someone’s purchases or access to money

The above is certainly happening regarding the OP here in the link prettylittleroses provided.

Financial abuse is a common tactic used by abusers to gain power and control in a relationship. The forms of financial abuse may be subtle or overt but in in general, include tactics to conceal information, limit the victim's access to assets, or reduce accessibility to the family finances. The OP and her children here are indeed being financially abused.

I would also think he has received dental treatment and or haircuts than she has had in the past 12 months.

That £400 he gives you - use it to fill your car with fuel, buy what you need for the kids and food for you and the kids. If he complains there is nothing to eat in the house just let him know he needs to give you more money and £400 is not stretching far enough. He can sulk he likes, take your self out on a nice long walk so you don’t have to suffer his sulking. Also make sure you are claiming child benefit, with 3 kids that should give you £220 every 4 weeks.

She says 'my husband' in OP.

OP

How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?.

Would you be able to reach out to Womens Aid here; they also have an online chat facility. Alternatively you could go into Boots and ask for ANI (the staff can direct you to domestic violence support services).

He expects you to pay for the childcare in order to work. He probably doesn’t do any of the school pickups or child appts and expects you to have a job that allows you to still manage the children’s lives.

this is absolutely financial abuse. You are caring for his children and he is supposed to compensate you for that care. He is taking money from you, it just isn’t isn’t as transparent as reaching into your pocket. What he is doing is effectively preventing you from earning by placing you in the default parent role.

when healthy partnerships engage in this style of parenting arrangement, either money is pooled or it is shared generously so discretionary spending ends up equal.

If you are married, ask Women's aid to help you get legal advice to divorce.

More than half that house will be yours.

You need to be prepared to go to the police.

Divorced you would likely be far better off than now.

Police involvement will help.

He is committing a crime and it is now being taken seriously.

Yes financial abuse and sounds very stressful and no idea how you do it. I have 3 school aged children and pay for all that you do plus school trips and after school activities and it honestly takes most of my £1800 salary each month with my DH covering mortgage and bills and some food. It's disgraceful that he is leaving you in a position where you can't visit the dentist etc.

Re the raincoat, Vinted might be a good place to look, I recently bought one from there.

I would, as you are, make every effort to get another job with a higher and more predictable monthly salary to reduce this stressful situation.

This does sound very wrong to me. Not normal at all. Above all, it doesn't sound like love.

He is making you live in poverty. He is not providing for your children. He is making you beg for basic things like money for food for your kids. That's fucked up.

Get out. If you have any family or friends who can support you, call on them. This is not going to get better.

^^This

Op

Im so sorry your husband is doing this to you and your children

You do know you’d be better off financially without him?

likely he would have to pay you about 1200 per month, you’d get child benefit, universal credit, council tax discount and god knows what else

oh free time when he sees the kids

dump his sorry ass

what a vile, greedy, selfish, disgusting pathetic excuse of a man

Asking whether OP is married is a valid question as she uses both 'OH' and 'husband' in her post. 'OH' stands for 'Other Half' which means they're not married. Husband would be 'DH'.

You’d be entitled to at least half the house, half the savings and half his pension plus maintenance.
You’ll be so much better off on your own, not relying on the scraps your bountiful master deigns to throw you.

“This does sound very wrong to me. Not normal at all. Above all, it doesn't sound like love.

He is making you live in poverty. He is not providing for your children. He is making you beg for basic things like money for food for your kids. That's fucked up.

Get out. If you have any family or friends who can support you, call on them. This is not going to get better.”

This.

It’s 100% financial abuse. Leave him, take as much child maintenance as you can, claim UC and increase your working hours, you’ll get help with your childcare.

I’ve been through the same thing. It’s awful. Worrying about money all the time and never having enough, while the man is living his best life.

Well, if you're married you could just remind him that he can just split his money 50/50 with you now or 50/50 with you when you get divorced. His choice 😁

Of course it's financial abuse. She does not have access to family money. She is providing services (childcare and housekeeping) and not being paid for it. In a healthy relationship, that "payment" would not be a salary but would be equal access to funds. Which is not happening here.

OP, I would speak to a solicitor. This really isn't okay. It doesn't sound like there's much point in talking to him as clearly he thinks that the children are your problem not his.

Thank you everyone. Your comments have all really helped me see it's not just me. I know I have to leave. It's terrifying though. We've been together 20 years, married for 13. He's all I've known since I was 18.

To those saying I need to work more. I know this. I haven't always been a sahm. My hours have been cut right down recently to an unmanageable amount. I'm desperately trying to find another job with more reliable hours, but it's hard to find something which works around school runs, extra curricular activities etc. We have no wraparound childcare at the school, so childminders which do school runs get full super quick.

I'm going to talk to my mum and see if we can go and stay with her temporarily. But I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff getting ready to jump off. It will devastate my kids. I just don't know how to build up the courage to do it.

You will be giving your kids a gift by leaving. They will be absorbing how he treats you.

it's very clear that he's not going to change but out of interest, have you asked why it is that he doesn't think feeding, clothing etc the kids is his responsibly too? I'm guessing the narrative is that you should be grateful becuase you get to spend so much time with the children? And yet... you are only able to fin da job that works around the kids which doesn't feel like a benefit to me.

So him making her cover all childcare costs, is what?

Of course this is financial abuse. This man is refusing to provide for his own children. They're as much his responsibility as OP's.

Husband better wise up - if you leave him you will get half of everything

You can claim child benefit, but not claim the money in your name if you are in the UK

If you claim (without the money) the Government pays your National Insurance "stamp" which is for benefits & state pension

Each individual person needs 35 years of NI contributions to claim a state pension

You can check your own National Insurance record & info about child benefit on www.gov.uk

I don't think you can claim the child benefit money if he earns 5k a month

https://www.gov.uk/check-national-insurance-record