Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Financial control? Or am I being ungrateful?

78 replies

Incognitobambino · 19/05/2023 16:29

I need an outsider's perspective on the dynamics in my relationship regarding money.

Me - sahm to 3 school age kids. Very part time job, between 100-400/month. I'm trying to find a job with more hours but not much luck so far
Oh - works full time, £5k/month take home.

Other than £400/month for groceries I get nothing from my husband. He does pay most of the bills, but I have to cover all school costs - trips, uniforms, shoes, after school clubs as well as gifts for family birthdays and fuel for my car. If I work in school holidays I'm expected to cover childcare costs. I am always broke by the middle of the month but if I ask oh for more money or pay for something on the joint account he might give it to me or he might sulk so I stopped asking as I get scared to ask. I've myself into credit card debt just trying to keep the kids fed and cared for. I can't afford anything like the dentist or hairdresser for myself. I've put on weight and can't afford a rain coat that fits.

My husband swans around in his flash car, cycles an e bike and plays around with his 3d printer. He obsessed over putting money away for the future when I can barely put food in the fridge. I can't talk about it, when I try I just end up with a lecture on how "broke" we are.

I should just be grateful he earns well and pays the mortgage and bills. So why do I feel so desperate and held hostage to when he decides something is worth spending money on?

OP posts:
ScratchPanelPattern3 · 19/05/2023 21:13

Secondly, if you worked you could join the company pension. Most companies have schemes where you put in X amount per month & the company adds X money for free !

So you are also missing out on a private pension too

You could ask your DH to pay into a private pension for you. But you would need full access to it, so that you can see it growing

intothegreek · 19/05/2023 21:16

You build up the courage by reminding yourself on repeat that this piece of shit is abusing your children and you walk out and you don't look back. He can stay home and count his money and figure out how to raise your half, that you can take and live a nice life with your children.

Toiletfriend · 19/05/2023 21:24

Get a FT job asap.

LadyJ2023 · 19/05/2023 21:26

Weird relationship can't imagine my hubby ever leaving me short or not providing for us all or vice versa

RememberNancyDrew · 19/05/2023 22:52

You know you have an issue when you are better off financially after a divorce and not worse off.

SheilaFentiman · 19/05/2023 22:57

This is terrible OP

Aubree17 · 20/05/2023 06:33

How can you all say it's abuse when maybe there just isn't enough money to cover everything?

OP chooses not to work other than the occasional part time work.

OP - can I ask why you don't have a job - school hours at least? Everything is so expensive these days, only one person earning will put pressure on finances that support 5 people even if it is 50k.

Goodyetalso · 20/05/2023 07:09

Aubree17 · 20/05/2023 06:33

How can you all say it's abuse when maybe there just isn't enough money to cover everything?

OP chooses not to work other than the occasional part time work.

OP - can I ask why you don't have a job - school hours at least? Everything is so expensive these days, only one person earning will put pressure on finances that support 5 people even if it is 50k.

Read the original post. She does have a job and says that she is looking for something with more hours. Later in the thread she says that her hours have been cut a lot and that’s why she’s looking for a new job. Also, he takes home £5K per month. That is plenty for a family of 5!

BusterGonad · 20/05/2023 07:21

Aubree17 · 20/05/2023 06:33

How can you all say it's abuse when maybe there just isn't enough money to cover everything?

OP chooses not to work other than the occasional part time work.

OP - can I ask why you don't have a job - school hours at least? Everything is so expensive these days, only one person earning will put pressure on finances that support 5 people even if it is 50k.

"can I ask why you don't get a job? school hours at least?" 😂 They are so easy to get, I don't know why all parents don't work in schools.
He earns 5k a month and choses to spend it on himself. Of course there's enough money to cover everything but why would he when the op can turn loaves and fishes into cash.

EarringsandLipstick · 20/05/2023 07:28

LadyJ2023 · 19/05/2023 21:26

Weird relationship can't imagine my hubby ever leaving me short or not providing for us all or vice versa

What a helpful reply 🙄

EarringsandLipstick · 20/05/2023 07:29

Aubree17 · 20/05/2023 06:33

How can you all say it's abuse when maybe there just isn't enough money to cover everything?

OP chooses not to work other than the occasional part time work.

OP - can I ask why you don't have a job - school hours at least? Everything is so expensive these days, only one person earning will put pressure on finances that support 5 people even if it is 50k.

There's enough money to cover his fancy car, E-bike & multiple printers 🤷🏻‍♀️

Honestly, read the OP's posts, at least.

Codlingmoths · 20/05/2023 07:34

The only thing you should be grateful for is that you have your beautiful children from this trash can of an abusive relationship, and you will be better able to role model the adults you’d like them to be once you’ve left him.
he will pay you the minimum and probably refuse to have the dc during the week or in school holidays I’m afraid. Which I makes it hard for you but also highlights he’s a shit dad and always has been.

firsttimemum1230 · 20/05/2023 07:38

He’s abusing you. I get £40 a week into my account from my partner/child’s dad and he pays the rent etc. i struggle with that and I work part time term time only

yutu · 20/05/2023 07:39

how can a normal person live a flash life while seeing his/her kids and other half struggle? He sounds very selfish. Im a SHAM too, my DHs income is higher than your OH, I get full access to everything, we have on joint account where his salary paid into and serveral other saving accounts. In fact my DH hardly ever spends money on himself. Its hard to imagine being with someone like your OH for a long time, you need to leave.

Buildingthefuture · 20/05/2023 07:44

I knew a man like this. Very high 6 figure earner but tight as fuck with his own family. He thought it was hilarious to tell everyone that he “only gave her £40 to buy a new dress for the Xmas party”, max £20 per week for shopping etc. He kept all the ££ hidden and made her scrimp and save every penny for her and the dcs. I warned him repeatedly that she would leave and if she did she would get half of everything. Smug Twat thought it would never happen. But, it did and she skinned him. I wasn’t sorry!!!!

caringcarer · 20/05/2023 07:52

You are afraid to ask for more money to buy essentials. You would be better off working 16 hours and going on benefits plus you would get child maintenance from him. You could claim child benefit too. You need to consider leaving him.

guineacup · 20/05/2023 07:53

@Plexie

'OH' stands for 'Other Half' which means they're not married. Husband would be 'DH'.

Your DH is your OH by definition... they are not mutually exclusive terms. I've never read OH to mean a couple definitely aren't married - that's bizarre.

caringcarer · 20/05/2023 07:54

RememberNancyDrew · 19/05/2023 22:52

You know you have an issue when you are better off financially after a divorce and not worse off.

This sums it up perfectly. After a divorce most people are worse off you will be much better off.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 20/05/2023 08:03

You (and your children) would probably be financially better off if you left him!

He sounds awful.

Aubree17 · 20/05/2023 08:10

I did read the original post.

Not sure what constitutes a fancy car, but if he works hard why not have a nice car.

The issue here is the OP has school age children, and chooses not to work other than minimally and be reliant upon her partner.

We have no idea what the families outgoings are such as the mortgage.

I suggest OP sits down and reviews the budget with her partner. When she brings the topic up he says they are broke so she should tell him she wants to review their budget with him.

Ladybug14 · 20/05/2023 08:16

The problem with your partner being all you've known since you were 18 - is that all you've known is abuse

So for you, this is the norm

Trust me please - your partner is abusing you. You need to leave him. Contact women's aid, child maintenance and CAB to sort out finances and general assistance

See if you can organise childcare with family and friends so that you can get a job

Don't let your partner treat you like scum

Maryofscots · 20/05/2023 08:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Orangello · 20/05/2023 08:47

Oh yes OP, get a full time job, then you can pay for everything, and husband can spend more of his money only on himself. Oh, of course you will need to pay for any childcare needed so 'you' can work and do everything child and home related. That will definitely solve the issue. 🙄

Clymene · 20/05/2023 08:58

Perhaps you could do the OP the courtesy of reading both her posts @Maryofscots?

Swipe left for the next trending thread