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Original poster

His attention seems to dart away from me so easily

85 replies

heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 12:31

[Name change] There's someone I like and it's only a potential thing and nothing certain at all. I've known him on and off for years but just in passing.

The thing is, what I've noticed recently is sometimes it feels like I have his full attention and it's very intense- maybe too intense?!- and sometimes he seems slightly "absent" and he will focus on someone else and it's a bit like I've disappeared but not in a nasty way, it's just like I'm out of the "beam" of his attention.

E.g. maybe I'll be talking to him and it seems very intense and he'll look into my eyes but someone else like another friend appears and suddenly he switches away from me and I could walk off and he would scarcely notice. Or he might even turn his body to face them a bit and I don't exist any more, while that person is there.

Actually the first time I noticed this he was standing next to his (now) ex at a wedding reception, and he was focusing on me at the time and as I was talking to him, I thought to myself he was kind of ignoring his ex. They were very in love at the time so it wasn't that he liked me, it just seems to be something he does.

What should I make of this behaviour? Does it matter? Does it mean I'd always be struggling to keep his attention? Maybe it's a bad sign?

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 18/05/2023 12:35

That could be love bombing, then leaving you out in the cold. Its supposed to make you crave his attention. I'd treat it as a red flag, and look out for other red flags.
Does he do anything else that leaves you feeling uncertain about either yourself, or your relationship with him?

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 12:38

No, nothing else makes me doubt him. I don't know about love bombing, if it is I don't think it's conscious on his part. He seems this way with everyone, it could be anyone: the postman, a mutual friend, someone from work...

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 12:39

It does make me try and hold his attention though, you're right. But I may also be slightly needy!

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 18/05/2023 12:50

In that kind of situation its not you being needy! It does suggest that fundamentally he can't fulfil a basic (and very reasonable) need, which is to be present when you talk.

DatingDinosaur · 18/05/2023 12:58

I’ve a few trains of thought on this -

1 – He’s neurodiverse and finds eye contact difficult, particularly at close quarters. Or shy.

2 – He fancies you so is staring. Then he realises he’s staring and looks away because it’s bad manners to stare and/or you might “read his mind” (eyes are the windows to the soul and all that).

3 – He’s just looking in your direction/zoned out/staring through you and you’re reading far too much into it because you fancy him.

Knock the trying to get/hold his attention on the head because yes, you’ll come across as needy and attention-seeking. It might be you staring back at him intently that's making him feel uncomfortable so he looks away.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 12:59

He's highly intelligent and I just wonder if it's part of his need for intellectual stimulation, often when you talk to him you feel like his mind is elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 13:01

It might be you staring back at him intently that's making him feel uncomfortable so he looks away.

Lol, hadn't considered this. Yes, maybe!

OP posts:
Beamur · 18/05/2023 13:03

Any chance he is slightly deaf? I recognise some of the intense eye contact then not noticing you as behaviours I do 😁😁

Whiskeypowers · 18/05/2023 13:10

Are you in a relationship or dating?

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 13:13

I don't know if he's deaf, I think it would have come up in conversation by now though.

Are you in a relationship or dating?

No; I know, it may just be that he's not that interested.

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PimpMyFridge · 18/05/2023 13:14

Sounds like he isn't great at peripheral attention, he's an all or nothing person. Could be awkward to live with that but not necessarily a red flag as such. Not abusive just tricky to vibe with someone like that.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 13:16

I say no but yesterday we talked about going for dinner (I'm going away tomorrow so we had to just agree we'll do it soon) which I took as a sign of him being interested, could be just as friends though and I've misread the whole thing. Totally possible as I'm not the best at reading people.

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 18/05/2023 15:11

If you noticed him doing it to his ex wife (whom at the time he was very much "together" with) the it sounds like it's something he does. Something related to how his brain works/he processes information/ how he handles social interactions with more than one person. Whether that is neuro diversity ... I don't know. I'm no expert on neurodiversity.

It sounds like it could be frustrating/offensive/irritating to quite a few people.

Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 15:37

Narcissist that blows hot and cold.

When you're in their highbeam they seem to be staring deep into you...and when you're out if favor...it's the coldest place in the world.

They often pull this shit with their partners. Giving their full attention to another woman and icing the partner out. To hurt them.

Its all about control.

Trust your gut. Always. It's warning you this guy is a wrongun. Dont be fooled by the sun when it shines on you. It is always followed by the dark.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 16:48

I'm striking @DatingDinosaur 's no. 3 as there's no doubt he is staring at me, it's intense like you wouldn't believe, though I admit I could be reading too much into that or he just gives off the wrong signals without meaning to. No. 2 is also a bit doubtful as he does it to other people, too, including other men. That leaves: 1. he's neurodiverse or shy, or as @Pinkbonbon he's a narcissist. But I haven't seen any worrying or negative traits to him at all 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 16:49

*as Pinkbonbon said

OP posts:
JamSandle · 18/05/2023 16:49

The last guy I experienced this with ended up being a sociopath. I was always questioning myself until realising.

FinallyHere · 18/05/2023 16:50

Could you find a way to raise it with him? I'm a calm, interested never jokey way?

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 16:51

Maybe he needs glasses? 🤔😆

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Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 16:52

Oh no, @JamSandle 😔, what made you realise in the end? Were there any other signs?

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JamSandle · 18/05/2023 17:01

heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 16:52

Oh no, @JamSandle 😔, what made you realise in the end? Were there any other signs?

Disinterest in people.

Not understanding fears/concerns.

Odd reactions (initially seemed like autism).

But basically someone got in touch with me and shared evidence about who he was as a person that confirmed a history of pathological lying and sociopathic behaviour.

Not saying this is the case with this man. Just sharing my experience.

Watchkeys · 18/05/2023 17:03

What should I make of this behaviour

You should understand that even before anything happens, you don't 'get' him, and factor him out of any further relationship consideration.

Don't get involved with someone you're having to psychoanalyse from the start.

JamSandle · 18/05/2023 17:04

Watchkeys · 18/05/2023 17:03

What should I make of this behaviour

You should understand that even before anything happens, you don't 'get' him, and factor him out of any further relationship consideration.

Don't get involved with someone you're having to psychoanalyse from the start.

This is very good advice.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 17:04

Oh heck... I know deep down you're right 😢

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AtrociousCircumstance · 18/05/2023 17:07

Funny, I read this somewhere about Madonna and it was couched as a part of her narcissism.