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Original poster

His attention seems to dart away from me so easily

85 replies

heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 12:31

[Name change] There's someone I like and it's only a potential thing and nothing certain at all. I've known him on and off for years but just in passing.

The thing is, what I've noticed recently is sometimes it feels like I have his full attention and it's very intense- maybe too intense?!- and sometimes he seems slightly "absent" and he will focus on someone else and it's a bit like I've disappeared but not in a nasty way, it's just like I'm out of the "beam" of his attention.

E.g. maybe I'll be talking to him and it seems very intense and he'll look into my eyes but someone else like another friend appears and suddenly he switches away from me and I could walk off and he would scarcely notice. Or he might even turn his body to face them a bit and I don't exist any more, while that person is there.

Actually the first time I noticed this he was standing next to his (now) ex at a wedding reception, and he was focusing on me at the time and as I was talking to him, I thought to myself he was kind of ignoring his ex. They were very in love at the time so it wasn't that he liked me, it just seems to be something he does.

What should I make of this behaviour? Does it matter? Does it mean I'd always be struggling to keep his attention? Maybe it's a bad sign?

OP posts:
horridballerina · 18/05/2023 20:54

Dark brown hair with white bits in

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 21:01

Dark brown hair with white bits in

Oh dear, and is he at home or working away? Because the person I'm talking about is working away tonight and is out of London. It does sounds awfully familiar, though. The idea of walking someone to a taxi rank, the platonic dinners...all of it fits exactly. To the extent that that's one big why I started this thread, I'm not sure if I am a potential to him or just one of these peripheral people.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 21:03

*one big reason why

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 21:06

It can't really be the same person, surely? That would be ridiculous. And the man I mean is supposed to be single, that goes without saying.

But maybe it shows there's a pattern to this kind of behaviour.

OP posts:
horridballerina · 18/05/2023 21:07

No, mine is at home tonight. Phew!

Means it must be a thing though.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 21:23

Thank goodness for that! My heart was beating faster for a moment then, but that's not a great sign, is it? It's because, as you say, the boundaries are uncertain and if we were in a relationship, I suppose I'd have to live with the divided attention and distractedness.

One positive thing I can say, though, is that the closeness to other woman thing does truly seem to be meaningless. As I say, I recall standing talking to him and his ex so I have been the other person in that scenario, and it truly was just him being distracted from his wife (I'm not the kind of woman that would be too close with someone's husband anyway, I'd knock it on the head). But you have to know the personality type to understand, probably.

OP posts:
horridballerina · 18/05/2023 21:31

Yes, but— from that ‘meaningless’ other woman position you’ve got to hear: an almost thing. I don’t think it’s meaningless. I think it gives people a special glint they never forget.

horridballerina · 18/05/2023 21:31

*here! I even corrected that back but autocorrect did it again

Watchkeys · 18/05/2023 21:36

heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 17:29

I mean, it could have been anything, an affair, money worries, one person falling out of love. Honestly I don't know and I've been scared to ask because I can't do it without showing I'm interested.

This is really not healthy. With a compatible partner, you'll feel free to be yourself and ask anything you're curious about, from the first minute. That's what defines them as compatible. Any 'scared to ask' or 'don't want to show I'm interested'... well, why would you be hiding how you feel or worried about his response if he was good for you?

You are already confused, and you're not even together. Is this really water you want to wade deeper into? If so, why? Do you like feeling confused?

Highdaysandholidays1 · 18/05/2023 21:43

He sounds awful! Losing interest when you are speaking, lots of women friends (who he probably does this intense staring thing at but then backs right out if they come forward), possibly a coke habit- why are you are wondering if you are on the periphery, you should be glad you are and just enjoy his intense gaze for what it is, which is attention seeking!

Highdaysandholidays1 · 18/05/2023 21:43

Plus the over-the-top 'nice guy' behaviour but you end up feeling neglected. Don't go there, OP (although I think you will). It works for him, is the answer.

Beanscene · 18/05/2023 21:51

This is the sort of behaviour my brother did and he was a functioning (closet) alcoholic, he took swigs of vodka from his pocket flask when people weren't looking-he would randomly turn away or walk off suddenly after a conversation. But the more he drank the weirder his behaviour got..... Staring inappropriately during conversation (basically pissed and trying to concentrate

horridballerina · 18/05/2023 21:51

@Highdaysandholidays1 do you have any more you could say about what you think is going on?

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 22:25

@horridballerina If you don't mind me asking, I'm just wondering if you have you talked this over directly with him? Does he admit he behaves this way?

OP posts:
horridballerina · 18/05/2023 22:39

Yes I have talked it over with him. He is funny with it. Initially he denied it and got a bit cross. But now he listens and says nothing when I talk about it. Not in a rude way, he takes it on, but he doesn’t explain it or apologise. He’s good at talking things through usually but won’t with this. I think he can’t quite see it, has a blind spot somehow, but is getting to see it— or maybe that’s just me being hopeful. It’s been a real pain, anyway, and has made me feel unspecial to the point of almost emotionally checking out.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/05/2023 06:00

I have auditory processing issues that can lead to behaviour a bit like this.

My hearing is fine, but unless I'm 100% concentrating on someone, effectively watching them talk, I lose track of the conversation.

I've been told that 1 on 1 I come across as a really good listener, very focussed on the conversation, almost a bit intense, but when I'm talking to 2 or more people, it can seem like I'm ignoring some of them.

In situations where there's two or more convos going on simultaneously, I'm fucked. It looks like I'm distracted because I am. My brain won't focus on one conversation so I'm trying and failing to keep track of both of them.

Loud places are also a nightmare. I always marvel at how everyone else can hold a conversation in a loud bar, and I can't understand a word of it.

As a result my preferred socialising is a quiet pub or restaurant, with one or two other people. On big nights out I'll tend to end up in a corner somewhere in a 1 on 1 conversation.

It's led to people getting the wrong idea at times, thinking I'm interested in them on a more than platonic level

Chispazo · 19/05/2023 06:09

He sounds avoidant.

gannett · 19/05/2023 09:54

You're not in a relationship with him. Why are you over-thinking this quirk?

It's not really that unusual. I've met several people I've felt like this about. It also doesn't reflect anything about their own attitude and you're projecting what you think they're thinking. They could be narcissists! They could have an auditory condition! You have no idea.

But if this quirk doesn't make you feel comfortable then that's also fine, but in that case why are you even thinking about potentially being in a relationship with him? Why does his quirk have to mean anything at all to you?

SallyWD · 19/05/2023 10:13

He sounds like me! I really appreciate people and am very interested in what they have to say but as I'm listening to them my mind suddenly switches to other thoughts. I essentially stop listening to them and lose track of what they're saying even if I've been extremely interested. I have no control over this. It happens automatically and I wish it didn't. I think my eyes must glaze over as people often seem to notice it happening. Maybe this man also has no control over it?

Whataretheodds · 19/05/2023 10:18

You seem to be fixated on this one aspect of this behaviour but is there anything that suggests he's properly interested in you?
Have you read "He's just not that into you?" if not, do.

Watchkeys · 19/05/2023 11:19

You're not in a relationship with him. Why are you over-thinking this quirk

Quite, @gannett.

OP, you're basically saying 'This bloke I know doesn't focus on me as much as I want.'

Why? Why would he? Why should he? He's just being who he is. You don't have to like it. It's not a puzzle.

horridballerina · 19/05/2023 11:26

I think she's mistakenly represented it as being an interest in when he isn't interested and his attention wanders away. What she's really saying is that she wants to know if the (often surprising and intense) intimacy created by his moments of focus on her are real. Because she's really falling for the feeling.

CoffeeAndFagToStartTheDay · 20/05/2023 18:50

I think I know someone very similar.
He's very engaging and you can see him doing the rounds of people, male and female, you see him make a beeline for someone, He'll happily listen to people, ask people questions, talk about his life here and there, have in jokes with them. You do see a few women get doey eyed, and walk away with a spring in there steps and kinda grin on their faces.

I've watched him for long time, and still puzzle over what's his motives are what he gets out of it, what he wants to get out of it. his attention doesn't flip always, but can change course though, leaving previously grinning people looking a little crest fallen.

I can't work him out. I've watched him because when I first met him I found his intensness confusing. He also behaves slightly differently to me, which makes me watch him more! He Will make a point of being in my company but doesn't talk to me like everyone else, in fact sometimes he doesn't say anything unless I speak to him and then conversation doesn't really flow and has weird pauses. But the eyes are intense when he looks, whether from afar/ when passing or when he chooses to look me in the eye when talking.

So after observing someone like this for a while, OP if you 'like' this type of person I'm not sure you'll ever be less confused.

on another note there are people he obviously hasn't bestowed his intensness on, and they perceive him as very rude.

.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 21/05/2023 09:53

No idea why I'm being accused of "fixating", "making up scenarios" and "mistakenly representing it as an interest", except that one poster may feel threatened by the fact that I've said this man may like me and once I had his attention when he was with his ex-wife, and she identifies with the ex. Their split is over a year ago and is nothing to do with me, we don't even socialise enough for that to be possible. And what scenarios am I meant to have made up, exactly? I did say I wasn't sure about his level of interest so these posts aren't the gotcha" that you think.

Is there anything that suggests he's properly interested in you?

Yes, of course. I'm not completely delusional.

Why does his quirk have to mean anything at all to you?

Because we're about to go on a date and that may lead to a relationship.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 29/06/2023 21:51

Well, quite possibly no-one's interested but those who said "stay away" and also "he's not that into you" were right. It turns out he's seeing someone and when he was flirting with me and messaging me he was just unsure about her, but now he's not unsure anymore. In the end it didn't mean anything on his side. I suppose deep down I suspected this or I wouldn't have started the thread? Still hurts though 😔

It wasn't as complicated as I made it really, just another case of a man wanting the attention and flirtation but it didn't mean anything.

OP posts:
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