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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His attention seems to dart away from me so easily

85 replies

heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 12:31

[Name change] There's someone I like and it's only a potential thing and nothing certain at all. I've known him on and off for years but just in passing.

The thing is, what I've noticed recently is sometimes it feels like I have his full attention and it's very intense- maybe too intense?!- and sometimes he seems slightly "absent" and he will focus on someone else and it's a bit like I've disappeared but not in a nasty way, it's just like I'm out of the "beam" of his attention.

E.g. maybe I'll be talking to him and it seems very intense and he'll look into my eyes but someone else like another friend appears and suddenly he switches away from me and I could walk off and he would scarcely notice. Or he might even turn his body to face them a bit and I don't exist any more, while that person is there.

Actually the first time I noticed this he was standing next to his (now) ex at a wedding reception, and he was focusing on me at the time and as I was talking to him, I thought to myself he was kind of ignoring his ex. They were very in love at the time so it wasn't that he liked me, it just seems to be something he does.

What should I make of this behaviour? Does it matter? Does it mean I'd always be struggling to keep his attention? Maybe it's a bad sign?

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 17:15

Its like falling for a shark.

You might think that intense stare is love. But actually it's them looking for a weak point in their next meal. You.

Totally agree with poster that said you should need to psychoanolise anyone. If they feel complicated like that, give them a wide berth.

Relationships should feel comfortable. People should feel comfortable for you to be around. If they don't, try to avoid them.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 17:16

Oh dear, @JamSandle , that sounds like a whole story to tell and I hope you came out of it unscathed.

I'm assuming whatever was told to you was insurmountable, as presumably sociopaths and other people with issues have successful relationships, too.

What you're describing doesn't ring true with this guy, if anyone were to score badly on a test of mental well-being it would actually be me rather than him.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 17:21

Any idea why his ex and he split (you know, apart from the thing you're already noticing yourself, where he ices people out via his mannerisms) ?

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 17:27

I'm not entirely sure but I have had my suspicions that he may be hiding a coke habit while maintaining a good lifestyle and a professional career. I wonder if that led to the split but I really don't know, that is 100% conjecture on my part.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 17:29

Suppose that would explain the erraticness.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 17:29

I mean, it could have been anything, an affair, money worries, one person falling out of love. Honestly I don't know and I've been scared to ask because I can't do it without showing I'm interested.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 17:31

@Pinkbonbon Oh, really? I'm as boring as they come, I don't know anything about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 17:32

Could the whole thing of him staring even be down to coke?! 😮

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 18/05/2023 17:34

Yeah I dunno either, just thought ut might explain the weird exteeme focus to lack of focus dance he's doing.

minipie · 18/05/2023 17:39

I recall Bill Clinton was described like this - when he’s focused on you it’s like being warmed by the sun, then he moves on… I don’t know if Bill is a narcissistic but he certainly has some undesirable characteristics as a partner…

FrogsLegs37 · 18/05/2023 17:45

Some people just struggle to manage the transition of someone joining a conversation. Some people can only focus on one person while adequately processing the conversation so they appear to completely ignore others.

I’m Autistic and I am excellent 1-1, great a speaking to large groups.
Absolutely shit in a 3 😂👌 I can’t manage how to share attention between two people at once and if I’m in a pair and someone joins it’s usually me that fades out 😂

TheShellBeach · 18/05/2023 17:53

Psychopaths don't have successful relationships.
They may feel comfortable in them themselves, but their unfortunate partners are constantly kept on the hop, never sure where they stand.
They have no conscience.
Don't be naive about psychopaths. Or sociopaths if you prefer to call them that.

RedHelenB · 18/05/2023 18:09

How much is this description down to you fancying him? Making up scenarios in your head. Honestly, guys who are interested in you show this by giving you their attention. No need for second guessing.

DatingDinosaur · 18/05/2023 18:46

Doesn’t his potential coke habit put you off a bit? Is that the kind of guy you aspire to having as a potential life partner?

I know attraction can do strange things to people’s common sense but I do think you’re maybe trying to read more into this than necessary, purely because you fancy him and you’re hoping these stares mean he fancies you back and that’s why you don’t like it when he looks away because “prolonged eye contact/gazing” is a sign of love/falling in love.

If he’s like this with everyone, men or women, then it’s just “him” and it doesn’t mean anything.

monsteramunch · 18/05/2023 18:56

I'm not entirely sure but I have had my suspicions that he may be hiding a coke habit while maintaining a good lifestyle and a professional career.

Why are you still seeing him if you think this?!

horridballerina · 18/05/2023 19:37

For some reason I’m worried this is the guy I’ve been seeing. Are you in London and does he have two kids? Not a great sign for me, I admit.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 20:13

I do think you’re maybe trying to read more into this than necessary, purely because you fancy him and you’re hoping these stares mean he fancies you back

Yes, maybe 🤔

@horridballerina

Yes, he is in London and has two children. But that could be tens, maybe hundreds of thousands of men. Do you think your man could be seeing someone in another town? 😬

I don't really think it's the same person, but I'm wondering how it feels to be in a relationship when someone does that?

@monsteramunch Well, no-one's perfect and even if true he disguises it really well. I wouldn't have known except someone hinted at it.

@RedHelenB
guys who are interested in you show this by giving you their attention. No need for second guessing.

Yes, you're right. You answered my question in a way, i.e. there shouldn't be a question at all.

OP posts:
horridballerina · 18/05/2023 20:24

@heyimoverhere Oh no I don't think he could be seeing someone in another town, if you are in another town?
Yes, it hasn't felt nice. I thought we were getting into a serious relationship in which you put the other person first, and be together with them. He is sometimes like that, and I don't believe he has been technically unfaithful, but he will give other women his full attention in the way you describe, and sometimes ends up going for drinks/dinner with them. He says it is purely platonic, and I do believe that and I have seen him do it, but I don't like it, and don't at all see the point.

monsteramunch · 18/05/2023 20:26

Well, no-one's perfect and even if true he disguises it really well. I wouldn't have known except someone hinted at it.

Mate, there's 'no-ones perfect' and there's 'I have a suspicion he might be be a drug addict'...!

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 20:40

@horridballerina Oh dear, it sounds difficult to have to tolerate and yet he must be great in lots of other respects or there's no way you'd still be with him?

Does he do that with all kinds of random people, though? Because in my case he does- it's not just women, it could be anybody. It could be the boiler repair man or some random person in a pub.

OP posts:
horridballerina · 18/05/2023 20:44

Yes, he does do it with all sorts of people, but also the people who look for it most are single women, so as he’s kind of passive rather than the chooser he ends up with more of them

horridballerina · 18/05/2023 20:46

Like for instance if we’re on a date and haven’t seen each other for ages, but a lonely sixty year old woman is wondering where to go to get a taxi, he’ll walk off with her to the taxi rank and seemingly forget all about me, till he comes back. Even if there are loads of other people she could have asked. It sounds kind and helpful but because it is so constant it is annoying and makes me feel I’m not special.

Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 20:50

Oh God it is sooooo familiar! Yes, exactly this, exactly, exactly what you described 😮🙁

OP posts:
Original poster
heyimoverhere · 18/05/2023 20:51

F_ , what colour hair does he have? Can you tell me anything else without being too revealing?

OP posts:
horridballerina · 18/05/2023 20:53

That’s why I had the fear it was the same man! The best theory I’ve come up with is extreme people pleasing, or being brought up to behave like that in some kind of type of family dynamic that isn’t familiar to me. I also had a tricky time at the start working out of my fellow was interested or just being platonic. He seemed to kind of create or thrive on blurred boundaries somehow. I have been with mine a while now and it’s the sticking point.