Should I just give up hope of ever finding someone?

[PetuniaPotter]

Name changed as this is sensitive and I'm embarrassed! I'm 37 (almost 38) and have been single for about six months now, following the end of an absolute shitshow of a relationship. I would absolutely love to meet someone and am so incredibly lonely, but I just don't seem to be able to muster up any enthusiasm whatsoever and I feel like I really need some help and guidance.

Basically, I feel like I have never, ever been treated well by men and I don't understand it. I can't work out whether it's me or whether most men are just awful and other women just tolerate it? It always seems to be the same old pattern of the man being all excited at first and then things going to shit, and it always feels like it's because he can't control me and everything about the relationship. It feels like there are always these terrible power struggles, and trying to assert myself (as in literally be treated like a human being with feelings and needs) results in being degraded and ultimately disregarded, and each and every time I'm left completely drained of energy and hope.

The last relationship was wonderful for the first few months and then I noticed the pattern creeping in again...he seemed to desperately need to control everything. Something as simple as me trying to make plans with him would anger him. He seemed to want me to just sit around and wait for him to invite me to do stuff. I won't go into too much details about this one relationship as I feel it's not the point, but I feel like this was in a way one time too many, and for the first time ever, I actually feel like I should just give up on dating and hoping to find someone.

Looking back (and with the help of a therapist), many of my relationships were downright abusive, and I tolerated it because I was feeling desperate for a husband and kids. I can now see that this clouded my judgement and caused me to stay in bad situations - because each time I felt like I'd be wasting the time already invested and that this might be the best it would get. I have now decided to give up on the dream of having kids - I think I've left it too late, I think I'd struggle with a lot of the aspects of being a mum, and for the first time in my life, I have financial security through my job, and I don't think I'd feel safe ever relying on a man again. I feel a sense of relief at having made this decision, as it takes away the immediate urge of absolutely needing to find a partner asap, with my age being what it is, but I'm still aware that dating is only going to get harder and harder from here (I've recently started to visibly age recently after looking very young for years, which is really getting me down) so I decided to start looking.

I downloaded a few apps in February and I was more appalled than ever at how I was treated. Zero interest shown in me as a person, just cheesy lines and entitlement and shocking rudeness. A "tell me why I should bother with you" attitude rather than any kind of friendly chat. I feel like previously I might have tried to impress these men, but this time, I just thought, why the fuck should I entertain this crap? I deleted all the apps and decided to focus on meeting people in person through things like hiking groups, but have had very little luck there either. The men I've met just seemed so incurious and so rude, as in going on and on about themselves, no questions to me, and again I just thought, I cannot be arsed with this. It's like something inside me has just snapped. I can't figure out whether it's because I've decided not to have kids and no longer "need" a man or what, but it's like something in me has died. I just don't think I can do it anymore. The getting my hopes up only to have them dashed once again by an incredibly disappointing man. Wondering if this one is also going to be abusive. Wondering if I'm going to be cheated on. Spending months or years investing in the relationship, building relationships with his friends and family only to never see any of them ever again once it ends. It's like I'd rather just build a life on my own, on my terms, that won't be destroyed by someone else's actions or whims.

I would like to know if any of this is remotely normal and if anyone else has been there? I can't work out whether I'm badly depressed or this is actually a positive realisation of something I just couldn't see before? I genuinely feel right now that the vast, vast majority of men just completely rinse and drain you and want a live-in maid and sex on tap with little to offer in return, and I feel like I've seen something I can't unsee, if that makes sense? I feel almost repulsed by men now, as if they're predators I need to avoid. I even see it in the relationships of people around me, whether it's friends or colleges or strangers in cafes and pubs. Women trying to placate moody, rude, entitled, arsey men who act like they're doing the world a favour by existing. For the first time in my entire life, I feel almost relieved and happy to be single. Is this the reality? And if it is, how do I learn to cope with the loneliness and build a meaningful life when it feels like everyone else's lives centre around their partners and kids?

There are many, many utterly shit men out there, but yes, it may also be you. Not your "fault", but your attachment patterns. I have often dated men who seem hugely enthusiastic for a few months and then it all goes to crap, and I have come to the conclusion it can't just be coincidence.

I am dating someone at the moment, but although he is basically a decent person, he is hard work and very, very avoidant so sometimes I don't hear from him for a week of he's having a hard time.

You need to be extremely vigilant for signs of controlling behaviour and try to set very firm boundaries. Easier said than done.

I can't work out whether it's me or whether most men are just awful and other women just tolerate it?

I used to think like this but it's actually the opposite.

It's that other women don't tolerate it at all. Of course, some do, and they are unhappy in their relationships but you don't want to he one of those women. Do you?

You need to get into the habit of dumping them.at the first sign of them being an arsehole rather than hanging on because this might be your only/last chance.

But the point is I don't tolerate it - that's why I've had so many short-term relationships! I used to think I must just be rubbish at choosing men to date, but I don't think that's it, because then why are pretty much all of the men I've met over the past six months below the standard I've set?

It's not like I meet lovely men and write them off as not being tall enough or handsome enough...literally every single man I meet shows what I consider to be red flag behaviours, whether it's neggy disrespectful comments, controlling tendencies, or stuff like mansplaining and not asking me anything back.

Perhaps I've just missed the boat and all the decent men have been taken? I had serious health issues in my twenties that hugely impacted on my social life and my ability to meet people, so I didn't really have a proper relationship until I was 31. As I said, I have dumped men when they've displayed unacceptable behaviour, but the issue is that they ALL seem to do it! So I'm wondering whether perhaps this is just what men are like? And realising I now don't want kids has completely removed any incentive I had to tolerate it?

But the thing is I wouldn't tolerate what you're tolerating. I would end a relationship if a man shut me out for an entire week because that's a level of avoidance and immaturity I refuse to cope with. So I don't understand how I don't have boundaries...isn't it the opposite? I'm wondering if other women tolerate behaviour I wouldn't, and your comment seems to suggest that they do?

I've talked about this with a few friends in real life, and they seem to feel like my expectations are too high, but is it really too much to ask for a man you're dating not to ignore you for an entire week or not to unilaterally make dinner plans without discussing them first (for example)?

OP, you aren't wrong. Most of the men on OLD aren't worth the air they breathe. They're either after strings-free sex because they are dishonest, already have a wife or gf and are just looking for a bit on the side. Or they're bone idle, selfish & looking for a free housekeeper or banker.

Your expectations aren't too high. So give them a miss. Keep them at arms length and indulge yourself for a year or two. Travel. Put yourself first. Then when you're feeling stronger and more confident, see if you want to have another try, but if you don't, that's fine too. 🤗

Life's much too short to waste it on a bad relationship.

Honestly knowing what I know now I would have just had a baby on my own , instead of with some twat I'll be forever tied to who is still making my life hell even though I'll probably be single forever now

Have you considered going or alone?

I've had several relationships during my life, all of which I ended due to the man not behaving as I expected. One was alcoholic, several were just simply uncommunicative, unsupportive, selfish or lazy. But if they become a disappointment, just dump (as you do). You are self supporting, so what do you need a permanent man for anyway? Enjoy it while it lasts, that's all.

I don't think it is you op.
My best friend's prick of a husband left her 2 years ago and she is seeing another guy who is treating her so badly it upsets me. But l feel like she has set the bar so low she is just accepting his behaviour.

Good on you for not tolerating bad treatment - maybe one day the right man will come along but if he doesn't, you have your independence and dignity.

The longer l spend on MN, the more l dislike men. Shame cos they are not all bad.

I don't dislike men, I just prefer my set up as it, l have peace of mind l've never really known before, it's lovely to just take care of myself.
My advice is to be open to a relationship, but not waste time or money with regards to OLD. Focus on yourself, make everything around you beautiful, house, garden, pets etc. Invest in yourself, treat yourself, widen your interests. Strengthen the relationship you have with yourself, friends, family etc. Know your surrounded by love with or without a partner.

I think it's important to remember that a lot of what you say about men, a lot of men will say about women.

Yes, there are an awful lot of rubbish men out there. But equally, there are a lot of men who have been mistreated by women too - and that probably plays a part in how they act.

A lot of women go for arseholes, and then wonder why things work out. But you've probably rejected plenty of men who would treat you well, but they're not your type physically or whatever.

When it comes to online dating, I think a lot of people are wary of wasting their time on someone, probably because of past rubbish experiences. So, you talk about an "tell me why I should bother with you" attitude, but often there's little point making a huge effort with someone from the get go, because most of the time it'll not lead anywhere anyway.

I think it's important not to become too jaded, as difficult as it may be. If you hold an attitude of men being "predators", well, that's hardly going to help you find someone. You're mentally closed of because you believe all men are the same, and that's not the case at all.

I do agree that there are so many people who don't know how to converse well these days, though. I don't know if it's because of social media, and everyone being wrapped up in their own self-importance, but I know plenty of people - men and women - who only ever talk about themselves, never ask questions, never remember to ask about things you've told them previously, etc.

What immediately jumped out at me from your first paragraph is the juxtaposition of "will I be single forever / I've been single for six months now / I'm incredibly lonely".

Six months is a really, really short space of time. I don't mean that it's odd to feel lonely, or wrong to want to be with someone, but if that's feeling an intolerably long amount of time (and I am a similar age to you and have been single much longer, although I do have children), that suggests you have a tendency to put up with absolute shit to avoid staying single.

I think you can get better at standing up for yourself and what you want/need, yes, and I think there are good men out there. I also think a lot of women do put up with shit because of the upsides of being in a relationship - children, finances, social approval, staving off aloneness etc.

Jesus fucking Christ @User394592 , you clearly missed the part where OP said "I had serious health issues in my twenties that hugely impacted on my social life and my ability to meet people, so I didn't really have a proper relationship until I was 31.

if you're going to mansplain all over the place at least read the OP's posts properly before you embarrass yourself further!

I really don't think it would be right to go it alone. I've got chronic health issues and I think it would be way too much for me. The thought of a man simply being able to walk out and leave me as a single mother is one of the main reasons I've decided having kids isn't for me.

Was coming on to simply say WTAF??!? to @User394592 who seems to have completely made up their own narrative about the OP, but @undercoveraessedai got there before me and said it better.

All this!

I literally already said that I was chronically ill all through my twenties, I spent much of my time in hospital and never even dated at all until I was over 30, and I wasn't "focusing on my career" either, because I was literally bedbound and barely able to work for a lot of it, but cheers for perfectly illustrating the gross, monstrous, misogynistic mindset I'm talking about in my OP.

You literally don't see us as humans beings, do you? Just as some kind of sex dolls for you to project your misogyny onto.

This is a beautifully eloquent post. It's not you, it's them. I'm in the same place ,- as you say, you can't unsee it.

Don’t feed the incel troll folks.

@User394592 I’ve reported your ignorant and sexist post.

Well said OP.

I mean, I've been single for the vast majority of my adult life. I'm just saying it's been six months since my last relationship ended, so I felt like it was probably time I considered getting back out there and looking for something. I'm not sure why you made that assumption when I've said I didn't even date at all until I was 31, and I'm only 37 now! I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, but I have been ending relationships once I've realised I'm being treated badly or the men just isn't capable of providing what I need.

I just don't understand where all these good men are? It's not like I'm swiping on obvious players and men standing in front of a Porsche. When I used the apps, I only matched with normal decent seeming men, and they either just wanted a penpal, never responded, or got really weird and neggy or incel-like. I'm meeting a variety of random men at meetup and hobby groups and most of them just...aren't nice? Either over the top sleazy and hitting on all the women in the group or aloof and arrogant. Anyone who seems nice is already married or in a serious relationship. It's so weird and depressing.

As the sealioning MRA has just demonstrated!

If it’s any consolation, OP, there are men of your age who feel exactly the same. My son was one of them - two years older than you, had tried hard with relationships, lonely, dispirited by OLD, losing hope but wanted a girlfriend. Notice I said ‘was’. It can happen.

Spending months or years investing in the relationship, building relationships with his friends and family only to never see any of them ever again once it ends. It's like I'd rather just build a life on my own, on my terms, that won't be destroyed by someone else's actions or whims.

I think you are better off building your own life. If a man who is right for you comes along, great. If not, you've got your own life. A relationship could add to what you've got, not be all that you've got.

I didn't meet somebody decent until I was well into my 40s. They do seem to be few and far between. I don't agree with any of this plenty of fish/ someone for everyone stuff I'm afraid. I think there are lot of selfish, misogynist pricks out there. So yes, work on social connections that don't involve a partner. Because whilst NAMALT, sadly an awful lot of them are.