Should I just give up hope of ever finding someone?

[PetuniaPotter]

Name changed as this is sensitive and I'm embarrassed! I'm 37 (almost 38) and have been single for about six months now, following the end of an absolute shitshow of a relationship. I would absolutely love to meet someone and am so incredibly lonely, but I just don't seem to be able to muster up any enthusiasm whatsoever and I feel like I really need some help and guidance.

Basically, I feel like I have never, ever been treated well by men and I don't understand it. I can't work out whether it's me or whether most men are just awful and other women just tolerate it? It always seems to be the same old pattern of the man being all excited at first and then things going to shit, and it always feels like it's because he can't control me and everything about the relationship. It feels like there are always these terrible power struggles, and trying to assert myself (as in literally be treated like a human being with feelings and needs) results in being degraded and ultimately disregarded, and each and every time I'm left completely drained of energy and hope.

The last relationship was wonderful for the first few months and then I noticed the pattern creeping in again...he seemed to desperately need to control everything. Something as simple as me trying to make plans with him would anger him. He seemed to want me to just sit around and wait for him to invite me to do stuff. I won't go into too much details about this one relationship as I feel it's not the point, but I feel like this was in a way one time too many, and for the first time ever, I actually feel like I should just give up on dating and hoping to find someone.

Looking back (and with the help of a therapist), many of my relationships were downright abusive, and I tolerated it because I was feeling desperate for a husband and kids. I can now see that this clouded my judgement and caused me to stay in bad situations - because each time I felt like I'd be wasting the time already invested and that this might be the best it would get. I have now decided to give up on the dream of having kids - I think I've left it too late, I think I'd struggle with a lot of the aspects of being a mum, and for the first time in my life, I have financial security through my job, and I don't think I'd feel safe ever relying on a man again. I feel a sense of relief at having made this decision, as it takes away the immediate urge of absolutely needing to find a partner asap, with my age being what it is, but I'm still aware that dating is only going to get harder and harder from here (I've recently started to visibly age recently after looking very young for years, which is really getting me down) so I decided to start looking.

I downloaded a few apps in February and I was more appalled than ever at how I was treated. Zero interest shown in me as a person, just cheesy lines and entitlement and shocking rudeness. A "tell me why I should bother with you" attitude rather than any kind of friendly chat. I feel like previously I might have tried to impress these men, but this time, I just thought, why the fuck should I entertain this crap? I deleted all the apps and decided to focus on meeting people in person through things like hiking groups, but have had very little luck there either. The men I've met just seemed so incurious and so rude, as in going on and on about themselves, no questions to me, and again I just thought, I cannot be arsed with this. It's like something inside me has just snapped. I can't figure out whether it's because I've decided not to have kids and no longer "need" a man or what, but it's like something in me has died. I just don't think I can do it anymore. The getting my hopes up only to have them dashed once again by an incredibly disappointing man. Wondering if this one is also going to be abusive. Wondering if I'm going to be cheated on. Spending months or years investing in the relationship, building relationships with his friends and family only to never see any of them ever again once it ends. It's like I'd rather just build a life on my own, on my terms, that won't be destroyed by someone else's actions or whims.

I would like to know if any of this is remotely normal and if anyone else has been there? I can't work out whether I'm badly depressed or this is actually a positive realisation of something I just couldn't see before? I genuinely feel right now that the vast, vast majority of men just completely rinse and drain you and want a live-in maid and sex on tap with little to offer in return, and I feel like I've seen something I can't unsee, if that makes sense? I feel almost repulsed by men now, as if they're predators I need to avoid. I even see it in the relationships of people around me, whether it's friends or colleges or strangers in cafes and pubs. Women trying to placate moody, rude, entitled, arsey men who act like they're doing the world a favour by existing. For the first time in my entire life, I feel almost relieved and happy to be single. Is this the reality? And if it is, how do I learn to cope with the loneliness and build a meaningful life when it feels like everyone else's lives centre around their partners and kids?

@PetuniaPotter
Nothing to really add, apart from a nod of solidarity to you. I know EXACTLY what you mean.
It's not desperation to want to meet a nice guy and fall in love.
It's not desperation to want some companionship.
It's absolutely dire on OLD. After 18 months, I've given up and just deleted them.
I know there are some decent guys out there (I'm a decent gal too!), but at 40, I just cannot be arsed to weed through the dregs.

No idea what the answer is, but I've decided to concentrate on travelling, and enjoying a couple of hobbies I have.

And I too, look at men (mostly with disdain) and couples around me and wonder why most men act so selfishly, and why the women put up with it.

Hi OP, can I ask you what type of therapist you are seeing and what they say about the patterns you seem to have that attract the wrong type of men?

One of the guys I am dating said to me he had one woman asked him to buy her a present to bring on the first date and she was serious! It was a particular makeup set.

She is a rinser/sugar baby/"arrangement" type. That's her MO. Monetised company and sex.

Usually women doing that specifically use sugar baby dating sites etc but evidently some try to use regular dating sites as well.

Just to add that it sounds like you’re doing all the right things, and it’s not you.

I’m also coming from a position of already having kids and a long-term partner. Even though I’m not looking for a partner, I wouldn’t bother if I was single again. I’m in my late 40’s.

Even though our relationship has so far stood the test of time, it’s been hard work at points over the years, and I just couldn’t be bothered to do the relationship thing again with someone else.

It does seem that decent men are hard to find and I would not even contemplate trying OLD due to the anedotes I’ve heard. I’d be dumping men at the first sign of a red flag too, so I know OLD wouldn’t work for me.

Has anyone tried speed dating? Is it still a thing? My bullshit radar is honed due to my age, experience and job so I think I’d actually enjoy zipping through that. You’d just get it all over and done with of an evening lol. None of this endless messaging and SM rubbish. Plus, days and whole weeks passing whilst ‘talking via messages’ without having yet met the person or having an actual phone conversation. No thank you to that nonsense.

I feel that I had my time of dating the wrong type of men in my late teens/early 20’s and was fortunate enough to meet my current partner when we were both in our early 20’s. I was about to be done with men when we met, but he was determined and pig stubborn (and still is) and wooed me. Most importantly, we were friends first. I also fancied him which is also and still important, esp. when he pisses me off. We still love each other which has help led us steer through the tough times.

Our eldest DD is in her late 20’s, has decided that she’s not interested in having kids, works hard in her career which is also a hobby, is not fussed about having a partner (she was in a long-term relationship quite young, just before and after Uni that didn’t work out and feels that it was a complete waste of her time and energy), often holidays alone a few times a year, has a great social life in and outside of work and is generally living her best life. My DD and I have got plans for just the both of us to travel together when the youngest DC is a bit older.

Anyway, although I’m not planning to become single, if I was I would be focusing my time and energy on hobbies, studying/possibly re-training, travelling, socialising with friends and/or finding new friends and maybe a FWB set up.

I feel like I've seen something I can't unsee, if that makes sense?

I don’t have the answers but just want to let you know you’re not alone, and that this comment in particular makes perfect sense to me.

I'm similar in the sense of not sure if I'll have a full relationship especially as I'm getting older.

For me I prefer the old fashioned way of getting to know a person first but then it also depends If we like each other etc. I don't use dating apps as you just never know who's really who.

I suspect unfortunately that you are in a phase of life where a lot of the good ones are taken.

So many people settle in their mid to late twenties. Many of the nice men are currently off having families with other people.

Not all of them of course but the dating pool is currently made up of all the men who are single for good reasons and a few who just haven't found the right person yet.

I think there aren't enough great/good enough guys out there for all the great/good enough women.

Women for the most part have embraced the changes and opportunity over the last century.
Men often once you scratch the surface have embraced the sexual revolution and women's pay-packets now being broadly equal, but none of the other aspects of equality.

You seemed to have worked everything out.
Having boundaries and likes/dislikes (lol at the poster who thinks her neighbour should couple up with the dog walker just because he likes her - and seems annoyed that her neighbour has her own ideas about the attributes she's interested in!) is the absolute starting point.

I've done it all, short term, long term, marriage, dating, FWB and I wish wish wish I hadn't put half as much effort into any of it, and just focused on myself and my wants, ambitions, experiences and fun.

Luckily I realised in time that I was putting my energy into the wrong things (men) and I now nurture my friendships, career, interests, education, wellbeing etc.
So much more rewarding.

I would say on the surface I probably look like a real catch, attractive, healthy, reasonably wealthy, educated, cultured, generous, kind etc. but most men I meet can't hope to meet me where I am, and I'm just not interested.
I wouldn't say I'm big headed, more that I'm healthily aware of what makes me happy, what level I operate at, and that I would like to respect who I'm with, and vice versa.

I also treasure my downtime and just hanging about at home on my own, listening to music, creating, studying, and at peace.
I only want to meet someone who adds to the joy in my life. I wasn't put on this earth as a trophy or to validate someone else's existence or feelings. I think some men can be so wonderful, and I want one of those, not some angry guy with a chip on his shoulder who wants to control me/put me down because life hadn't worked out the way he had hoped.

So honestly I think you have seen the light op. It doesn't mean a relationship isn't possible, but if you are able to cultivate a life where it's not the be all and end all, life is so bloody good then the alternative isn't as attractive as it once seemed.
That's not really women's fault. And I can't believe some men would rather turn to the toxic mansosphere or porn as the answer, than sort their shit out and meet women where they are now. They must be so stupid and honestly they've taken themselves out of the running, it's sad, but not my job or any women's job to convince them otherwise.

I don’t think you like men much, OP. That’s not a criticism, A friend said to me many years ago ‘ I don’t think much of men, on the whole’ and it struck a chord with me.

I’ve been in a reasonably happy relationship for forty years, and it hasn’t changed my mind about men in general, or indeed the one I live with. I think I prefer him to most people I know, so that’s a win, but it doesn’t mean I am blind to his bad traits ( nor to my own, btw). I don’t look to him to supply my every need , intellectually or socially ( too old and infirm to care much about physically!). I don’t expect to supply all his needs, either. Of course, we do share quite a few.

However, I think there is a difference between not ‘thinking much of men ‘ and actively disliking them or being angry that , to paraphrase Professor Higgins, they are not more like women. I think that we have lost sight of the fact that men are very different to women, physically, hormonally, emotionally even intellectually ( which does not imply superiority on either side). The current social mores seem to want men and women to want the same thing, to feel the same thing, to behave in the same ways, and I think that is unrealistic.

I don’t have a solution for you, except to try to stop thinking about it so much. When you stop looking….