WWYD? Grand gestures to prove to someone that you love them

[Winorlose]

I'm going to try to be deliberately vague here.

New partner doesn't believe I love him. I do.
We have both been married before, not spring chickens, I have kids, he doesn't, we live several hours apart.

He has asked me to do something that proves to him I love him. I've tried a few things but nothing seems good enough.

What would you do?

It sounds really exhausting.
OK, you did something wrong. You seem grateful that he's stayed with you and 'forgiven' you, but he hasn't really, has he?
If he can't believe you then what good is buying him something, or taking him somewhere? Whatever grand gesture he has in his head (and he doesn't have one planned, he'll just 'know' when it's right?) will never be enough.
You may have royally fucked up. You can't control how he has responded to this, but you can control how you deal with his reaction.
Don't tether yourself to someone who demands the impossible.

If you are not enough now, you never will be

I have a couple of ND friends who are very big into conspiracy theories. They fixate on details and twist facts to fit their current theory, when to everyone else there IS no conspiracy. Their particular neurodivergencies cause them to need, absolutely, for their thoughts and ideas to be true. Nothing and nobody will ever convince them that there are huge flaws and holes in their reasoning. So it wouldn't matter if the King himself turned up on their doorstep to tell them there was absolutely no truth in the theory whatsoever (other authority figures are also available...), they would HAVE to believe their constructed truth.

And it may be that your OH is the same. In which case it will not matter what you do to try to make amends. His constructed reality will mean that you are always a liar and always in the wrong. In which case, it would be unkind to remain in a relationship with him, for both of your sakes.

Yes to a formal diagnosis but only a few years ago. He's now on medication etc.

And I know abuse isn't solely physical and can take many forms.

Tbf I don't see him as being abusive as everyone else does.

OP lied to him about something significant. Something that she says would have eft he devastated if roles were reversed.

Reading between the lines I don't think he's specifically said to her she needs to do some big grand gesture to prove she loves him. It sounds more like she's broken his trust by lying and he's basically said she now doesn't trust anything she says and that actions speak louder than words etc.

Actually sounds fair enough to me but I'm not sure that a grand gesture like OP has in mind is what will fix this

If it was that problematic to him he could have finished with you at the time. He didn’t and now has something to exert control with. He sounds immature.
please don’t pander to him, however high you jump he will ask for higher.

Thank you, he has actually said I need to show him that I love him not just say that I love him as I told him I loved him while I was lying to him.

No, I actually lied. Over and over.

I actually think that's fair enough. I'd say similar to my DP if he'd broken my trust by lying about something significant.

I don't thinking showing someone you love them necessarily equates to a big fancy grand gesture.

I also don't think he's being unreasonable in expecting a partner who has broken his trust to show him that she loves him (assuming you have behaved as badly as you are saying).

However I think what is needed is kindness, respect and consistency over a period of time rather than a one off grand gesture

Thank you for everyone's input. I really appreciate it and I know without you knowing what I lied about, it's easy to blame him. He is immature, he knows he is immature, he's also a highly emotional person who wears his heart on his sleeve.
And i think this has all been too much for him to process.

We just had a very long conversation and put in some ground rules for going forward that don't involve grand gestures but do involve us trying to get past this together.

Please take care of yourself Op.

He either trusts you now or he doesn't A grand gesture won't make any difference. It would only serve to 'punish' you and make a point. Some of the best liars can make great grand gestures. In fact they do it in lieu of being a good partner.

So, you explain to him why you felt the need to lie, as best you can.

He either understands you and you move on together, or he doesn't understand (or doesn't forgive) you... and that's that.

Arranging a Red Arrows flyover to paint his name in the sky isn't going to change anything.

But don't get so wrapped up in seeking his approval that you forget to consider whether you actually want to be with someone you don't feel you can be truthful with. Why not? What were you ashamed of? Going forward (if things go forward), has all that changed?

If not, find someone you can be relaxed and natural with, who won't judge you, who understands the way you think and feel without too much drama.

DH put my towel in the tumble drier whilst I was in the bath so it was warm and fluffy for me after.

That's love

Did you tell him you were single but secretly you were still married?

No

Yep, and if he’d offered to talk it through then that would have been a great way to show that he’s serious and is willing to give you another chance in a respectful way.

What he’s actually doing is trying to shift the power balance and control you. Its major game playing and shows huge insecurity and immaturity on his part.

If you value your future sanity and self then quit now.

That sounds lovely.

If he doesn't believe you then he doesn't trust you.

If he doesn't trust you, your relationship is already doomed.

Grand gesture. Bloody hell. Chuck him back in the sea OP and start again.

I'm afraid he sounds immature and unpleasant. Maybe instead of trying to come up with the perfect grand gesture, you spend time and effort reflecting on why you are allowing yourself to be treated this way. How many times have you met in real life?

We did talk it through while we were together but we live apart and once he was on his own, everything just crumbled.

I told him I loved him while I was lying to him.

That is really really horrible.

Get a new man.. he sounds like hard work and what is with him trying to get you to prove yourself? Not a very healthy start

Please do the Freedom Programme regardless of what you decide here.