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Original poster

WWYD? Grand gestures to prove to someone that you love them

123 replies

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:01

I'm going to try to be deliberately vague here.

New partner doesn't believe I love him. I do.
We have both been married before, not spring chickens, I have kids, he doesn't, we live several hours apart.

He has asked me to do something that proves to him I love him. I've tried a few things but nothing seems good enough.

What would you do?

OP posts:
AmbleInAnnBoleyn · 17/05/2023 16:47

Sweetheart there IS no way back. He has already told you that to him, your words mean nothing, and the gestures grand or otherwise you have already tried have been found wanting.

Toss him back. He's no keeper.

thesnailandthewhale · 17/05/2023 16:48

I'm still in the early days with a guy - been seeing each other for over a year but fairly casual. Recently it's changed and there's more to it but neither of us have said the three words. I don't need him to say it because I know. I know by the way he looks at me, the little gestures like getting me my favourite chocolate bar when I'm going to his, by the way he holds me. I just know. No grand gestures needed.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2023 16:48

"But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried".

He likely did not dump you then because he figured out he could use your transgression as an emotional stick to beat you with.

Its over between you both or it should be. If you stay with him the fool here is you. Why are your relationship boundaries this piss poor that you allowed this manipulator into your life at all? You owe this man nothing, let alone a relationship here or some grand gesture.

Original poster
Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:50

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 17/05/2023 16:44

Op, I would suggest doing the freedom programme online.

It will tell you about red flag behaviour and abuse. This is definitely red flag behaviour, potentially abusive/the start of abuse.

"You have to do something, but I won't tell you what it is, I will only tell you when your gesture is not good enough"

It's glaringly obvious this man's true colours are now coming through because you fucked up he has one over on you and he won't let it go, if you're still together then he will bring it up in a year, 5 years, 10 years, basically whenever it suits him.

I've been there, it's no way to live.

Show quote history

I genuinely don't believe he is abusive. But I do think you are right that he would just keep bringing it up as it's part of his neurodiversity that he gets fixated on one thing, and brings it up over and over.

OP posts:
Fladdermus · 17/05/2023 16:50

So what did you lie about? Because I'm getting vibes of 'nothing serious but he's totally gaslit me into believing it was' off you.

kokotheguerilla · 17/05/2023 16:51

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:42

I am listening when everyone is telling me I need to dump him as I know what is currently happening isnt healthy.

But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried.

No no no. You are looking at this backwards. The only reason he didn’t dump you was because he saw this as a means to control you, to throw at you every time you do something he doesn’t like and ultimately to abuse you with. Please don’t think he stayed with you out of love. People in healthy caring relationships don’t demand any grand gestures of love. He’s using it as a stick to beat you with, and all he cares about is how much beating you are prepared to put up with.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 17/05/2023 16:53

What is your definition of abuse?.

Abuse is not solely physical in nature.

He being supposedly neurodiverse (has he been formally diagnosed?) is no excuse either for him treating you as manipulatively as he has done. Bringing things up over and over is not necessarily due to he being neurodiverse either, its a way of him further punishing you for some transgression you've committed in his head.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/05/2023 16:54

I don't think we can really say anything unless we know what you lied about. It could be something or nothing.

Original poster
Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:55

Fladdermus · 17/05/2023 16:50

So what did you lie about? Because I'm getting vibes of 'nothing serious but he's totally gaslit me into believing it was' off you.

It was definitely serious. And I am very ashamed of how I behaved. I'm not going to go into any detail because it is too damn outing but if he had done the same to me, I would have been devastated.

OP posts:
Pamspeople · 17/05/2023 16:59

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:42

I am listening when everyone is telling me I need to dump him as I know what is currently happening isnt healthy.

But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried.

You can't go back to how things were, that's the point. Things have happened and need to be worked through as adults, not in fairy tales and grand gestures.

He sounds incredibly manipulative and immature. Forgive yourself and move on, you may have lied but his reaction is showing you who he is, and it ain't pretty.

katmarie · 17/05/2023 16:59

Make a grand gesture to yourself. Bin him.

MsPavlichenko · 17/05/2023 16:59

You lied, you shouldn’t have. You realise this and you have apologised. If he can’t live with this it is his issue not yours.

You can’t go back, no grand gesture will turn the clock back. Neither will it make him believe you now or in the future if he chooses not to. Or prevent you (or him) lying again. That’s the reality.

Doing the Freedom Programme is a good shout. In my opinion it should be compulsory for women and girls! His being neuro diverse doesn’t mean he can’t also be abusive .

Regardless (and you should do the FP), you should walk. Too much drama too soon, go before it’s even more difficult.

determinedtomakethiswork · 17/05/2023 17:01

What was the reason you couldn't tell him the truth? Did you just omit to tell him the truth or did you actually live?

caringcarer · 17/05/2023 17:03

He really isn't worth it.

CurlewKate · 17/05/2023 17:03

Dump him.

pinkyredrose · 17/05/2023 17:06

What on earth was it!? Did you lie about being a virgin or being married before or having a secret kid?

Whatever it is I'd dump him. He'll always use it as a stick to beat you, you'll be tying yourself in knots trying to prove yourself to him. Fuck that shit.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 17/05/2023 17:07

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:50

I genuinely don't believe he is abusive. But I do think you are right that he would just keep bringing it up as it's part of his neurodiversity that he gets fixated on one thing, and brings it up over and over.

Show quote history

I know you don't believe this is a red flag for abuse, that's why I suggested the freedom programme.

What he is doing to you is awful and manipulative, and doing the freedom programme will help you spot other signs if he carries on. Just small things that you wouldn't see as abusive individually, but all build up to a bigger picture.

He is being awful to you, and you're defending him and giving excuses for his behaviour. That's not healthy.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 17/05/2023 17:08

To me you need to have a proper conversation. If you would have been devastated by the lie, you know you fucked up. You need to sit him down and fully apologise for the lie. Explain why you did it, what you will be doing to ensure it doesn't happen again. Assure him that you do love him. He could have left you and he didn't and you really want to make things work because you love him. Tell him why you love him, what is it about him? What things he does? But also tell him you can't keep searching for this elusive grand gesture that doesn't really prove anything. Anyone can do a grand gesture and ultimatley relationships don't work when you're both on edge. You need to move on as a couple or the relationship is over. You don't expect him to forget, but if you're not working towards forgive there is no future.

Manichean · 17/05/2023 17:11

For goodness sake dump the manipulative twat or you will spend the rest of your days 'proving' yourself to him. He is a fuckwit.

Mabelface · 17/05/2023 17:13

I'd laugh and tell him to fuck off.

ConfessionsOfAMumDramaQueen · 17/05/2023 17:14

I know a lot are saying hes abusive and dump him but I can see a couple of points here:

  1. We don't know what the lie was. It could be that she didn't tell him about a friend being an ex (in which case he is an asshole) or something big like huge debts, cheating etc that would have mumsnet telling the partner to ditch them or wanting some big changes should they stay.

  2. He's neurodivergent. They can be socially immature. I have neurodivergent colleagues and family members. Could well be they have seen all the grand gesture movies and how that makes everything OK and thinks its going to magically fix shit here. We don't know what he's like either.

CurlewKate · 17/05/2023 17:14

@Winorlose I honestly think you have to give a clue about what the lie was. Because as it stands, this man is sounding like an arsehole with no redeeming features, and I want to helicopter in and take you away from him.....

MagpiePi · 17/05/2023 17:21

It was definitely serious. And I am very ashamed of how I behaved. I'm not going to go into any detail because it is too damn outing but if he had done the same to me, I would have been devastated.

Would you be asking him for a grand gesture to show how much he loved you? Or would you have binned him off?

He's stringing you along, and if you've already tried a few things which apparently aren't good enough, then nothing you do will be enough.

The hills are that way 👉

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/05/2023 17:24

But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried

Is that becaus you're grateful he didn't dump you?

orangeflags · 17/05/2023 17:44

Bin

Bin

Bin