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Original poster

WWYD? Grand gestures to prove to someone that you love them

123 replies

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:01

I'm going to try to be deliberately vague here.

New partner doesn't believe I love him. I do.
We have both been married before, not spring chickens, I have kids, he doesn't, we live several hours apart.

He has asked me to do something that proves to him I love him. I've tried a few things but nothing seems good enough.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 17/05/2023 16:31

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:01

I'm going to try to be deliberately vague here.

New partner doesn't believe I love him. I do.
We have both been married before, not spring chickens, I have kids, he doesn't, we live several hours apart.

He has asked me to do something that proves to him I love him. I've tried a few things but nothing seems good enough.

What would you do?

I would run for my life

UseOfWeapons · 17/05/2023 16:31

He sounds manipulative. No need to 'prove' your love, in some grand gesture. He'll never believe you enough, and you'll wear yourself out trying to reassured him.
I'd be off with a cheery wave goodbye, I'm afraid.

Original poster
Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:31

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 17/05/2023 16:26

He's being manipulative as fuck.

You've already tried to prove you love him a few times, but it hasn't been good enough for him. He wants a bigger gesture, but isn't telling you what.

He's basically punishing you for lying.

6 months in is supposed to be fun and light and getting to know each other.

What you now know is every time you fuck up he will expect some massive grand gesture, which is unreasonable, unsustainable and unrealistic.

I would dump him, but it doesn't sound like you're going to, so all you can do is ask him what gesture he will accept as good enough, and decide if you're willing to do it or not. You're worth more than a life full of being punished like that when you fuck up though op.

I asked him and his answer was it was up to me to show him as my words mean nothing since he found out I lied.

OP posts:
Fiddlededeefiddlededoh · 17/05/2023 16:31

@Winorlose this does not sound like it has the potential to be a healthy relationship. Unless you didn’t tell him about something that could directly harm him such as an STD or something of that nature then this is all the normal course of s new relationship. You are absolutely entitled to hold parts of yourself back in a new relationship, vulnerability should come with time not on demand. It sounds like you were worried about the emotional fallout from telling him. Just move on his behaviour is emotionally manipulative and not healthy.

Original poster
Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:32

Hintofreality · 17/05/2023 16:26

Stick a rose up your arse and belt out a rendition of “The Power of Love” whilst roller skating naked around his work place.

This made me laugh. It would probably work as well!😂

OP posts:
MammaTo · 17/05/2023 16:34

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:15

Suffice to say it was bad. I lied about something major and now he doesn't believe me about anything.

Show quote history

And does he honestly think a grand gesture will change this?

He’ll have you chasing your tail forever.

Cut your losses and finish it.

Wishimaywishimight · 17/05/2023 16:34

Why are you jumping through hoops to "prove" anything?? He's not some grand prize you need to try and win over.

Original poster
Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:36

Wishimaywishimight · 17/05/2023 16:34

Why are you jumping through hoops to "prove" anything?? He's not some grand prize you need to try and win over.

I know but I was very much in the wrong in what I did.

OP posts:
piedbeauty · 17/05/2023 16:38

qqq82 · 17/05/2023 16:02

I'd dump him

This!!😂

He should be mature enough to know you love him. Does he show you he loves you via grand gestures?

Original poster
Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:38

Fiddlededeefiddlededoh · 17/05/2023 16:31

@Winorlose this does not sound like it has the potential to be a healthy relationship. Unless you didn’t tell him about something that could directly harm him such as an STD or something of that nature then this is all the normal course of s new relationship. You are absolutely entitled to hold parts of yourself back in a new relationship, vulnerability should come with time not on demand. It sounds like you were worried about the emotional fallout from telling him. Just move on his behaviour is emotionally manipulative and not healthy.

Nothing that could physically harm it but it has harmed him greatly emotionally.

OP posts:
OneMoreCookieMonster · 17/05/2023 16:38

Ohh on second thoughts, I have one...tell him you've decided to move in, you've chucked your job and want to show him how he much means to you...you'll be moving in over the weekend and will give up everything just for him.

YouDoYouHun · 17/05/2023 16:40

Sounds like he's potentially gaslighting and your 'lie' wasnt actually a lie at all, he's just seen an opportunity to punish and manipulate a woman into fawning over him and making him feel like the Prince he clearly thinks he is. Gross.

piedbeauty · 17/05/2023 16:41

Had it actually harmed him - ir is he just saying it has?

Either way, this is way too much drama for a new relationship. Doesn't sound like you're suited.

At counselling you might explore why you're so keen to show this guy you love him.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/05/2023 16:41

I asked him and his answer was it was up to me to show him as my words mean nothing since he found out I lied

Talk about handing your power over to someone. Now you've got months and years of trying to prove something that he doesn't want proved because it's the hold he's got over you and keep you running around after him. Never mind the therapy about why you lied, I think you need it for why you're determined to stay with this manipulator.

RobertsRadio · 17/05/2023 16:41

I think this relationship is doomed, just call it a day and move on.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/05/2023 16:42

I know but I was very much in the wrong in what I did

Let me guess who's saying this....it's him, right?

Original poster
Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:42

I am listening when everyone is telling me I need to dump him as I know what is currently happening isnt healthy.

But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried.

OP posts:
SarahSmith2023 · 17/05/2023 16:44

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:01

I'm going to try to be deliberately vague here.

New partner doesn't believe I love him. I do.
We have both been married before, not spring chickens, I have kids, he doesn't, we live several hours apart.

He has asked me to do something that proves to him I love him. I've tried a few things but nothing seems good enough.

What would you do?

I'd tell him to fuck off.

seriously.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 17/05/2023 16:44

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:31

I asked him and his answer was it was up to me to show him as my words mean nothing since he found out I lied.

Show quote history

Op, I would suggest doing the freedom programme online.

It will tell you about red flag behaviour and abuse. This is definitely red flag behaviour, potentially abusive/the start of abuse.

"You have to do something, but I won't tell you what it is, I will only tell you when your gesture is not good enough"

It's glaringly obvious this man's true colours are now coming through because you fucked up he has one over on you and he won't let it go, if you're still together then he will bring it up in a year, 5 years, 10 years, basically whenever it suits him.

I've been there, it's no way to live.

WwhatEever · 17/05/2023 16:44

I would tell him that this demand of his to prove your love isn't working and it's a game you can never win. Therefore unless he can accept your apology and reassurances that you won't lie again, you may as well call it a day.

Original poster
Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:45

YouDoYouHun · 17/05/2023 16:40

Sounds like he's potentially gaslighting and your 'lie' wasnt actually a lie at all, he's just seen an opportunity to punish and manipulate a woman into fawning over him and making him feel like the Prince he clearly thinks he is. Gross.

Definitely no gaslighting going on. I knew I was lying to him but had convinced myself I was doing no harm as I knew how I felt about him.

OP posts:
YouDoYouHun · 17/05/2023 16:45

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:42

I am listening when everyone is telling me I need to dump him as I know what is currently happening isnt healthy.

But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried.

Why would he dump you if thought he could get something out it? I'm guessing you apologised profusely after the 'lie' was revealed and played into the 'doing anything to make it up to him' fiasco, so he's just seeing how far you really will go and running with it to get all he can.

UseOfWeapons · 17/05/2023 16:46

But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried.

I don't think this is good enough reason to spend more of your time imploring someone to believe you . He gave you a 'chance', doesn't mean you have to do the same.

HowDoYouDoWhatYouDoToMeIWishIKnew · 17/05/2023 16:46

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:42

I am listening when everyone is telling me I need to dump him as I know what is currently happening isnt healthy.

But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried.

He could have dumped you, but he's manipulative and likes the fact you're trying to make this up to him (and it doesn't actually sound like the lie was that bad anyway, just you keeping something personal to yourself). It's a power play.

AnxiousShep · 17/05/2023 16:47

Winorlose · 17/05/2023 16:42

I am listening when everyone is telling me I need to dump him as I know what is currently happening isnt healthy.

But he could have just dumped me when he discovered what I had lied about. But he didn't. So I feel I need to at least try and if we can't get back to where we were before we can't but at least I tried.

He could have just dumped you but then he wouldn’t have been able to enjoy seeing you trying to tie yourself completely up in knots to win his favour.