WWYD? Grand gestures to prove to someone that you love them

[Winorlose]

I'm going to try to be deliberately vague here.

New partner doesn't believe I love him. I do.
We have both been married before, not spring chickens, I have kids, he doesn't, we live several hours apart.

He has asked me to do something that proves to him I love him. I've tried a few things but nothing seems good enough.

What would you do?

Ah so he's punishing you? Nice.

A grand gesture won’t work.

If you lied about something - promise not to do it again, recognise how important it is to him and then show him over time that you mean it.

He either gives you a chance to do that or decides it’s a deal breaker and doesn’t.

A grand gesture won’t fix anything.

now he doesn't believe me about anything

And he's not going to, whatever you do. He now has something he can hold over you for ever.

I don't want to dripfeed but he is neurodiverse and I'm neurotypical so I'm trying to understand it from his point of view.

Then he's never going to believe you about anything. A balloon ride isn't going to make him think otherwise.

If you betrayed his trust in some way then no "grand" (aka performative) gesture is going to restore that trust.

The only thing that even stands a chance of rebuilding trust is time; time spent being honest and committed to a healthy adult relationship. That would take an enormous amount of effort for both of you and only the two of you know if your relationship is worth that.

The last time I was asked to "prove" that I loved someone I was 16 and he wanted sex. I said 'no' then and, in your position, I'd say 'no' now. But I'm not you.

No wrong doing EVER needs to be excused by some grand gesture. Honesty, openess, a willingness to work together is the answer, along with time to regain lost ground and rebuild trust.

He sounds like a brat whinging and needing you to prove your love.

I'd prove to him, that I love and respect myself more than I do him and I'd be gone. Nice guys don't demand things like that.

The trust has gone. Little white lie - you might have been OK but you said you lied about something major. He's telling you there's no way back from that. So just part ways and move on with your life.

What did you lie about?

Dump him.

six months in and you’ve lied to him and he’s emotionally blackmailing you. Not worth the hassle.

LOL

This!!!! Perfectly said

You're 6 months in. You are already lying to him. He's telling you that you aren't good enough. Call time on it. Neurodiverse or not, it's not working.

So he wants you to do ‘something’ but not specified what? Has it got to be expensive? Public? Posted on social media? Are you doing it together? How stupid.

What do you mean by ND? Because someone with ADHD, for example, shouldn’t react any differently to an NT person.

Why did you lie?

The relationship is over. He doesn't trust you and he is putting you in a ridiculous position of having to prove you love him. How the hell can you do that? You could sign over your house to him and he could still say that wasn't enough.

Being neurodiverse is not a free pass to be an arsehole. Either he trusts you or he doesn’t.

Is he a 14 year old girl? What nonsense, he is clearly so insecure he must not be able to function as an adult or enjoy stupid games like this which are probably just going to continue. Leaving him will be easy with a distance too.

God knows! Trying to protect myself from hurt, trying to keep something of myself back when I realised how quickly I was falling in love with him, trying to keep a bit of control. I really don't know. I'm going for counselling tomorrow to try to work it out.

Stick a rose up your arse and belt out a rendition of “The Power of Love” whilst roller skating naked around his work place.

He's being manipulative as fuck.

You've already tried to prove you love him a few times, but it hasn't been good enough for him. He wants a bigger gesture, but isn't telling you what.

He's basically punishing you for lying.

6 months in is supposed to be fun and light and getting to know each other.

What you now know is every time you fuck up he will expect some massive grand gesture, which is unreasonable, unsustainable and unrealistic.

I would dump him, but it doesn't sound like you're going to, so all you can do is ask him what gesture he will accept as good enough, and decide if you're willing to do it or not. You're worth more than a life full of being punished like that when you fuck up though op.

I’d tell him to get lost. If he’s like this now he’ll only get worse. Get rid while you’re not in too deep. Sorry, OP.

While you are at your counsellor's, discuss your need to stay with someone who demands proof of your love

But what sort of thing did you lie about? Because from what it sounds, you were just not over-sharing or divulging too much about your personal life too soon. That isn't 'lying' really.

It's 'lying' if you were seeing someone else behind his back and said you were exclusive. It's 'lying' if you told him you would meet him some place with no intention to and then not showing up.

But not sharing information about yourself isn't lying. It's just not sharing. It sounds like he has taken something as quite black and white and now you are panicking and trying to 'fix' things when you've perhaps not done anything wrong, but been convinced you have.