Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being inappropriate ?

78 replies

Pennypestcontrol · 16/05/2023 21:24

We’re going through a difficult time with our DD. She’s going through a separation with her DH (currently 2 weeks). It’s been tough for all of us (family) but obviously for the two of them.
She was the instigator and had been unhappy for a couple of years (she confided a bit, but I don’t think I gave the ‘right’ response at those times). We have a DGC and it’s true my fear of what effect it would have on them as they grow up, probably coloured my reactions. But on the other hand who wants their DD to spend the rest of their life unhappily married ?DSIL isn’t perfect and if I’m honest I wasn’t sure it was going to be a good match but he is kind and he loved her so much.
Anyway, I’m trying to stay neutral and be there for both of them but today my DD tells me it’s inappropriate. I’m already struggling, it’s scary, it hurts like hell and I’ve got a wonderful DGC who is going to have a mummy and daddy living separate lives.
I’m not going to judge either of them.
They’re human, they are in different places in their lives and I don’t have the answers but I do know I’ve got to be there for my DGC.
But am I being inappropriate by supporting him too ?

OP posts:
TheSpottedZebra · 16/05/2023 21:29

Well it sounds like your daughter thinks you are.

What support are you giving your SIL and can he not get it elsewhere?

Changeling78 · 16/05/2023 21:30

What does your support to him entail?

tailinthejam · 16/05/2023 21:32

She's your daughter. Your first loyalty should lie with her.

IhearyouClemFandango · 16/05/2023 21:34

I’m not sure why you would need to be supporting him, he has his own family. It is easy to say “he’s not a bastard, I don’t hate him, but you are my daughter and your happiness comes first” and stick to it.

SarahSmith2023 · 16/05/2023 21:36

I'm afraid you are, she needs you to be on her side. You don't have to bad mouth him but, come on, your her MUM.

IhearyouClemFandango · 16/05/2023 21:38

Why on earth are you trying to stay neutral? You sound very much as if you are centering yourself and your feelings in what is her trauma. This doesn’t have to be a massive deal.

Quartz2208 · 16/05/2023 21:39

You arent neutral she is your daughter it is her you support

5128gap · 16/05/2023 21:40

You don't really sound neutral from your post. You sound as though you'd rather your DD stayed in the marriage, so in that you are really team DSiL, as he wants that too.
It must be really hard for you, but in honesty, I think as her mum you do need to be fully there for your DD. And you can't really do that if she thinks you and DSiL are sitting there saying how much you both wish she'd done something different.

rainraingoawaay · 16/05/2023 21:43

Yes you are inappropriate supporting him too.

Your whole post reads very strangely to me, I suspect from your comment about not giving the right responses when being told about her issues, you've perhaps given the same vibes as in your OP.

Your DGC will be happiest with happy parents and if that means separation then that is what is best. Parents staying together unhappily is more damaging imo.

You also sound slightly OTT talking about DGC having mummy and daddy living in different places etc - I think you need to take a step back from the situation and just support your daughter.

Improvementsunderway · 16/05/2023 21:45

Ill go against the grain here. I dont think it's inappropriate at all if you come from an educated knowledgeable side. If you can see both their strengths and shortcomings, as tough as it may be for your daughter to hear... There may be a point and a learning experience to be extracted from this. If u take her side blindly, you're setting her up for failure in future. Is she right? Is there more to it?

Dontbelieveaword · 16/05/2023 21:45

It really sounds like you're more concerned with how hurt you are than what your DD feels. It also sounds like you'd rather your DD stay in an unhappy marriage. It also sounds like you never listened to your DD over the years about how unhappy she was and you had a 'you made your bed, now lie in it' 1950's attitude to marriage and this stopped your DD confiding in you.
Unless your DD is/was abusive, physically, emotionally or financially, towards SIL, I think your main concern and priority should be your DD.

Doyoumind · 16/05/2023 21:46

Why would you do this? Supporting him is betraying her. Just have her back ffs. It doesn't mean you have to go badmouthing him but he's not your concern.

Pixiedust1234 · 16/05/2023 21:50

Word of warning. My brother hated my mother for trying to stay neutral. She did that because she wanted to be a safe haven for the grandchild, to put her first throughout the turmoil. DIL understood that and twenty years later was grateful. Her darling son never forgave her, she should have put his needs first, not his child.

Their second child also went through separation and she did the same thing putting gc first. GC and second child okay with it.

So it depends on your own child's character. Are they likely to understand gc needs comes first or blind loyalty over everything?

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 16/05/2023 21:54

Honestly, this is not the time to remain neutral. Your daughter needs support not neutrality.

Be civil with her ex, but stop that neutrality shit with your own daughter if you don’t want to lose her as well.

Fiddlerdragon · 16/05/2023 21:57

From the sounds of your behaviour it looks like they’ll be losing their nan as well as having separated parents

jsku · 16/05/2023 21:57

My mom didn’t think I should get divorced. She didn’t exactly ‘support’ my exH in the process - but she clearly disapproved.

It made it that much more difficult for me when I was going through the most difficult time of my life.

So - you seem to be doing the same. And this is not being neutral. It’s not inappropriate - it’s worse.
You need to help your daughter through it, not make it harder.

Btw - now that the time have past and Mom sees how it all turned out; and after conversations over the years about how it actually felt for me in the marriage - she sees I am happier and kids are OK.
So she came around.

adfs · 16/05/2023 21:58

rainraingoawaay · 16/05/2023 21:43

Yes you are inappropriate supporting him too.

Your whole post reads very strangely to me, I suspect from your comment about not giving the right responses when being told about her issues, you've perhaps given the same vibes as in your OP.

Your DGC will be happiest with happy parents and if that means separation then that is what is best. Parents staying together unhappily is more damaging imo.

You also sound slightly OTT talking about DGC having mummy and daddy living in different places etc - I think you need to take a step back from the situation and just support your daughter.

This sums it up perfectly. No point staying in an unhappy marriage and badly impacting the kids. The OP needs to re-evaluate their views on life and some weird view that divorce leads to broken families and screwed up kids.

GuevarasBeret · 16/05/2023 21:59

Pennypestcontrol · 16/05/2023 21:24

We’re going through a difficult time with our DD. She’s going through a separation with her DH (currently 2 weeks). It’s been tough for all of us (family) but obviously for the two of them.
She was the instigator and had been unhappy for a couple of years (she confided a bit, but I don’t think I gave the ‘right’ response at those times). We have a DGC and it’s true my fear of what effect it would have on them as they grow up, probably coloured my reactions. But on the other hand who wants their DD to spend the rest of their life unhappily married ?DSIL isn’t perfect and if I’m honest I wasn’t sure it was going to be a good match but he is kind and he loved her so much.
Anyway, I’m trying to stay neutral and be there for both of them but today my DD tells me it’s inappropriate. I’m already struggling, it’s scary, it hurts like hell and I’ve got a wonderful DGC who is going to have a mummy and daddy living separate lives.
I’m not going to judge either of them.
They’re human, they are in different places in their lives and I don’t have the answers but I do know I’ve got to be there for my DGC.
But am I being inappropriate by supporting him too ?

Yes you are.

I separated a few months ago, and I know my Mum would be disappointed. So I told my Dad, who thank God, knows how to respond. “You are are daughter; you and your children are our priority. We trust you to make good decisions.”

Your primary loyalty should unquestionably be to your daughter. He is back outside the circle of trust.

Godlovesall26 · 16/05/2023 21:59

It depends on the reason for separation maybe, but if you say they both have faults it doesn’t sound like DA or a significant event, but from the tone of your post I have to agree to PP you do sound a bit team SIL, when I do believe you with your explanations that you’re hoping to be helping, but I wonder if it sounds this way to your daughter ? Hopefully it is a miscommunication issue.

Also, if for no other reason, as long as child custody and everything else isn’t legally signed you should be 100% team DD. What if he ends up asking for primary custody ? Battles on CMS ? Accuses her of something ? And you would have been supporting him, indirectly.

Finally, if there ever is a time to tell your DD you are 100% with her whatever happens/happened, it is situations like these, and it is a little sad that you are not. Above the basic ‘principle’ consideration, you are risking alienating her, and therefore your GC.

Aria2015 · 16/05/2023 22:07

I understand you wanting to be neutral, but if your daughter doesn't feel like you have her back and you're not supporting her enough, then you risk your relationship with her and your grandchildren. It comes down to who would you rather upset? Your daughter or son-in-law? I'm sure your son-in-law has his own support network, let him lean on them. You can be civil but make it clear that when it comes to the crunch, you're going to do what you need to support your daughter.

Kristenb6 · 16/05/2023 22:16

Speaking from experience, if you want to remain part of your DD’s life - you support your child first. Always.

Crikeyisthatthetime · 16/05/2023 22:17

Wow. It's all about you, isn't it.
Having the tough time and hurting like hell. Very inconvenient of your daughter to mess up your life like this.

purpleme12 · 16/05/2023 22:20

While my experience isn't like in the thread, no I didn't feel like my mum had my back when I split up with mine.
Yes I do think that a parent should have their child's back and back them up here.
It's the parent's job to be there for the child.
That is actually easier if they have the kind of relationship where their parent is there for them.

SarahAndQuack · 16/05/2023 22:33

I understand you wanting to maintain good relations with your son-in-law. But I agree with PP that, for your daughter's sake, you need to be clear that you support her, and you need to prioritise her feelings.

I notice you say she is the 'instigator'. That's an oddly aggressive word. It's not easy being the person who ends a relationship - you're making it sound as if she's done something bad.

I think your DD is right to say your response is a bit inappropriate. But I'm curious - why is it scary for you, and why does it 'hurt like hell'? I can totally understand being sad at a relationship breaking down, and I can understand some regret (if you liked your son-in-law). And of course you must be concerned for the children, as I'm sure your daughter will be too. But being so very hurt and scared seems unusual to me, in the context of this sort of relationship?

AsphaltGirl · 16/05/2023 22:35

Blatant Reverse.

Swipe left for the next trending thread