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Original poster

Am I being inappropriate ?

78 replies

Pennypestcontrol · 16/05/2023 21:24

We’re going through a difficult time with our DD. She’s going through a separation with her DH (currently 2 weeks). It’s been tough for all of us (family) but obviously for the two of them.
She was the instigator and had been unhappy for a couple of years (she confided a bit, but I don’t think I gave the ‘right’ response at those times). We have a DGC and it’s true my fear of what effect it would have on them as they grow up, probably coloured my reactions. But on the other hand who wants their DD to spend the rest of their life unhappily married ?DSIL isn’t perfect and if I’m honest I wasn’t sure it was going to be a good match but he is kind and he loved her so much.
Anyway, I’m trying to stay neutral and be there for both of them but today my DD tells me it’s inappropriate. I’m already struggling, it’s scary, it hurts like hell and I’ve got a wonderful DGC who is going to have a mummy and daddy living separate lives.
I’m not going to judge either of them.
They’re human, they are in different places in their lives and I don’t have the answers but I do know I’ve got to be there for my DGC.
But am I being inappropriate by supporting him too ?

OP posts:
Nomad12 · 16/05/2023 22:38

It sounds like you're making this all about you. Yes, it's inappropriate to be supporting him. Your daughter will remember this.

Original poster
Pennypestcontrol · 16/05/2023 22:38

I totally get that she must have my support first and foremost. And she does. 100%. By support of SIL I guess I mean I’m a sounding board. But I do know he’s heartbroken and she has obviously had longer to process. And I definitely don’t want her to stay in an unhappy marriage. I’m just so very sad that she’s had to go through this and that sadness is colouring my judgment.

I’ve taken on board the general census of opinion and I’m going to put this right.

OP posts:
McKenzieFriend001 · 16/05/2023 22:38

Is that you mum?

If this post had a date stamp of Summer 2017 you could be my mother.

We barely speak these days, and she definitely doesn't have the kids unsupervised. She sees very little of them. I don't trust her. If my own mother could remain "neutral" despite never having lived in my shoes in my home with my exH, why would I trust her with the most important humans (to me) in the world?

bunnyrabbitsandbutterflies · 16/05/2023 22:41

I'd be devastated If my mother thought it was her place to support my ex during our separation.
Regardless of what happened in their relationship, your daughter comes first. Your grandchild is your daughter's responsibility but it takes a village to raise a child. Sure as hell your daughter will need you but certainly won't want you around if you're not loyal to her, regardless of how amicable their separation is.

IhearyouClemFandango · 16/05/2023 22:48

Does he not have his own family? He should not be looking to you for support and sounding boards, that's a little suspicious/manipulative.

Frith2013 · 16/05/2023 22:51

Yes, totally inappropriate.

My parents were similar and even kept my wedding photo on their wall for years after my divorce. My children don't remember their father living with us so that in particular wasn't great.

Unbridezilla · 16/05/2023 22:52

My mother has always been "neutral" during break ups. Even way back when mu uni boyfriend (first love) had been cheating for months. She never spoke to him directly (they didn't have that relationship) but just said to me that "I needed to decide what I wanted to do: split up or not"

It really made me doubt myself that his behaviour was that bad, when all I really wanted was for my mum to give me a hug, say she knew it hurt but everything would be ok in the end and that she was there for me.

It's tough being "the instigator" and your daughter probably feels guilty about the hurt she has caused (albeit necessary). Your support of your SIL is reinforcing that guilt and making her feel like the bad guy, when she was actually probably just the bravest

momonpurpose · 16/05/2023 22:59

I feel very sorry for your daughter. I don't think I'd be able to forgive my mother

Ellie450 · 16/05/2023 23:01

Pennypestcontrol · 16/05/2023 22:38

I totally get that she must have my support first and foremost. And she does. 100%. By support of SIL I guess I mean I’m a sounding board. But I do know he’s heartbroken and she has obviously had longer to process. And I definitely don’t want her to stay in an unhappy marriage. I’m just so very sad that she’s had to go through this and that sadness is colouring my judgment.

I’ve taken on board the general census of opinion and I’m going to put this right.

Sounding board? So you’re listening to him whinging about your daughter and offering support/sympathy?

If so then yes, that’s wildly inappropriate and a betrayal of her. I’m a bit surprised she still wants you involved if that’s what’s been going on.

DMLady · 16/05/2023 23:05

After my ex and I split up, my ex phoned my parents. My dad hung up on him. (My ex told me this, not my dad.) I was really touched, weird though it sounds. My dad had my back. You need to have your daughter’s back.

Hoppingmad231 · 16/05/2023 23:15

Does it not depend on why they split? Did he cheat? Has be been controlling/abusing? Has she done them things? Two sides two every story and if he's not a bad guy then yes be civil but remember she's Your dd you have her back first.

NotMeSecretFormular · 16/05/2023 23:29

You are her mum. It's not your place to think how hard done by your grandchild will be having separated parents, what must your own DD be going through, I imagine she's got enough worries of her own without you riding roughshod over her feelings and worrying about her child for her, it isn't your place to prioritise that at all.
You support your child. What kind of blinders have you got on that you can't see that?

dumple · 16/05/2023 23:36

It is inappropriate of you to support him too

saraclara · 16/05/2023 23:44

You're letting him tell you his problems with her? You're his sounding board?

However much you care about your son in law, that's totally inappropriate of you both.

OhBling · 17/05/2023 10:37

Of course you shouldn't' be a "sounding board" for him. Bloody hell, how on earth do you think that's okay? How can your DD confide in you if she thinks you're getting in the middle. What are you saying to him? Are you trying to explain her thinking or mitigating it or whatever? You can't be a bloody mediator.

It's perfectly reasonable, assuming no DV or similar, that over time you can maintain a relationship with him particularly for the sake of the DC. But maintaining a friendly and pleasant relationship is NOT even slightly the same as him being able to unload to you about how unhappy he is and how much he wants your DD back.

She must see his behaviour as hugely manipulative and yours as hugely unsupportive.

mildlydispeptic · 17/05/2023 10:44

You are being incredibly disloyal. Your daughter should be able to rely on her mother to have her back 100% at a time like this.

Original poster
Pennypestcontrol · 17/05/2023 15:29

I can see how it appears but honestly I don’t ‘say’ anything. I listen to him and reassure if I need to that he will get through it.

The sadness I’m feeling isn’t for me. It’s for her and for them. I don’t think either of them went into marriage and children thinking about divorce. How can I not feel her hurt and dismay ?

i know in the long run they’ll be better apart than together but two weeks in to this and it’s very scary.

But I’ve read all the responses and can see from her point of view. It doesn’t come across as trying to keep neutral - it feels like I’m taking his side and that was NEVER my intention.

OP posts:
username98765 · 17/05/2023 16:03

From experience I think this decision would have been hard enough for your DD without this on top. She needs you to be there for her now. You don't need to fall out with her DH but maybe just distance yourself slightly. I'm sure he has family and friends that can support him. I get it's hard for you but you need to push your feelings aside and be there for your DD.

Frith2013 · 17/05/2023 17:56

Why are you even listening to him?

Daisychain97 · 17/05/2023 19:58

Is his mum giving support to your daughter? Probably not.
look after your daughter, his mum will do the same.
daughter first, cut him off

WunWun · 17/05/2023 20:03

I agree with everyone else. How awful for your daughter.

GoodChat · 17/05/2023 20:07

You absolutely shouldn't be having contact with him unless it's to facilitate seeing the children. You certainly shouldn't be listening to his woes.

She's your daughter.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/05/2023 20:13

Kristenb6 · 16/05/2023 22:16

Speaking from experience, if you want to remain part of your DD’s life - you support your child first. Always.

My mother tried staying neutral to the point of asking me if ex's accusations of my having an affair were true (I wasn't but he was, surprise, surprise). I then got tears and what a bad mother she was (presumbaly because she hadn't reared a daughter who knew how to stay married). In the end I didn't tell her anything, not even that I was divorced, but then not telling her stuff because she didn't listen and wasn't that interested was par for the course.

In retrospect she did support me, she just didn't know how to say so.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/05/2023 20:14

You can’t be a sounding board for him - that is just weird playground stuff. You can be supportive in the sense of pointing out if she’s being unreasonable etc.

I get the impression you’re doing this because you can’t accept they are separating. I think you need to chill - your DGD’s life is not going to be wrecked because her parents are separated. As long as they are civil and civilised she’ll be fine.

But by acting as a sounding board for both you are actively getting in the way of the clean break that will benefit your grandchildren.

Stop putting yourself at the centre of this, stop making it a drama. Be around for your daughter and g/daughter. Let your SIL go - he literally isn’t your SIL anymore.

Luredbyapomegranate · 17/05/2023 20:15

Pennypestcontrol · 17/05/2023 15:29

I can see how it appears but honestly I don’t ‘say’ anything. I listen to him and reassure if I need to that he will get through it.

The sadness I’m feeling isn’t for me. It’s for her and for them. I don’t think either of them went into marriage and children thinking about divorce. How can I not feel her hurt and dismay ?

i know in the long run they’ll be better apart than together but two weeks in to this and it’s very scary.

But I’ve read all the responses and can see from her point of view. It doesn’t come across as trying to keep neutral - it feels like I’m taking his side and that was NEVER my intention.

Honestly OP what it feels like is you are making it about you and creating a drama.

I’m sure that isn’t your intention, and you are playing out your own fears and insecurities, but.. knock it off.

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