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Original poster

Am I being inappropriate ?

78 replies

Pennypestcontrol · 16/05/2023 21:24

We’re going through a difficult time with our DD. She’s going through a separation with her DH (currently 2 weeks). It’s been tough for all of us (family) but obviously for the two of them.
She was the instigator and had been unhappy for a couple of years (she confided a bit, but I don’t think I gave the ‘right’ response at those times). We have a DGC and it’s true my fear of what effect it would have on them as they grow up, probably coloured my reactions. But on the other hand who wants their DD to spend the rest of their life unhappily married ?DSIL isn’t perfect and if I’m honest I wasn’t sure it was going to be a good match but he is kind and he loved her so much.
Anyway, I’m trying to stay neutral and be there for both of them but today my DD tells me it’s inappropriate. I’m already struggling, it’s scary, it hurts like hell and I’ve got a wonderful DGC who is going to have a mummy and daddy living separate lives.
I’m not going to judge either of them.
They’re human, they are in different places in their lives and I don’t have the answers but I do know I’ve got to be there for my DGC.
But am I being inappropriate by supporting him too ?

OP posts:

Isthisit22 · 17/05/2023 20:37

How would you feel if your daughter listened to someone complaining about you?
It’s hugely inappropriate and hurtful.

TheShellBeach · 17/05/2023 20:56

Why did they separate?
It sounds like you think your daughter should have put up with an unhappy marriage.
Are you annoyed with her because you don't feel that her reasons for ending it are good enough - in your opinion?

SarahDippity · 17/05/2023 21:05

My sister had to have a stern word with my mum when her ‘neutrality’ overstepped all normal boundaries of filial loyalty. She eventually got it, but I had some deeply upsetting experiences as my mother felt the need to ‘see both sides’. She really, really didn’t need to adjudicate on my marriage.

Doyoumind · 17/05/2023 21:12

I'm not convinced by your responses OP.

I just don't get why he's coming to you with his problems. Sounds a bit manipulative to me and you're enabling it. There's no way he can't know it will cause friction. If he comes to you, you tell him to go elsewhere with his woes.

I've had similar from a parent and it makes my blood boil.

Understand that you're not being kind. You're causing harm to your own flesh and blood by even entertaining this 'neutrality'.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 17/05/2023 21:34

I've had similar from a parent and it makes my blood boil

Yup. I had various little disloyalties from my mother over my relationship with DH before he became an ex. I felt it showed a lack of respect for me as an adult.

SarahDippity · 17/05/2023 21:38

Remembering the scene in Motherland where Amanda says exasperatedly ‘Mum! We’re getting a divorce’ and Joanna Lumley sighs ‘ahh yes, poor Johnny.’

romaineleaf · 17/05/2023 21:40

Goodness me, support your daughter first, you don't have to bully your sil but fully support your daughter first and foremost. He will get his support elsewhere. Your dgc will be just fine!

MrsTerryPratchett · 17/05/2023 21:42

The only person I expect unconditional love from is my mum. Even if I'm being a total twat, I expect my mum to have my back. Neutrality is betrayal as far as I'm concerned. Now, she can tell me I'm being a twat. But not talk to my ex who thinks I'm a twat. And nod and smile.

IYSWIM.

CurlewKate · 17/05/2023 21:56

I can't imagine not being in my DD's
camp. I might say to her "are you sure this is why you want because..." but unless she had done something horrific I'd be on her side.

Yetisrus · 17/05/2023 21:58

I had this with my parents, I've never forgiven them properly. My mum actually asked me if what he was telling them about me having an affair was true. My Dad told me I must have really damaged him. I'm their daughter ffs. I did nothing wrong and he's manipulative.

They back me now but it still hurts that they even doubted me and took his side.

Dacadactyl · 17/05/2023 22:02

FWIW, I don't think you're wrong to stay neutral.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 17/05/2023 22:10

Oh and stop with all this “ it’s scary for me “ stuff. Your Dd and her kids don’t need to hear any of this. they need to hear that everything is going to be fine, that there will be problems and issues to be tackled but that they will cope along with your help, that you will always be there for them etc.

Stop all the one to one chats with your ex SIL right now, it sounds like you are both doing it to wind up your DD TBH. either you are very naive or very attention seeking and manipulative.

Your poor DD

cyncope · 17/05/2023 22:25

Doesn't matter whose 'fault' it is, you still support your daughter!

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/05/2023 23:39

Yes. You're being totally inappropriate.

Your poor DD! You say she's been unhappy for a couple of years and you're more worried about how a divorce will effect your DHC as they grow up!?! Believe me, it's far worse for a child to be in a house where the parents are clearly unhappy.

You can't be neutral, your DD must come first. Why are you scared? And why are you struggling? You DGC will be fine. Support your DD through her divorce and help her to coparent. Listening to SILs ramblings is totally inappropriate. That's your DD he's talking about! How dare he try to get you on his side. He sounds very manipulative! I'm not surprised your DD is upset. She doesn't want her mother listening to the ins and outs of the breakdown for her marriage.

You said yourself that you weren't sure it was ever a good match. So just be there for your DD and listen to HER not him.

If he wants therapy he can go and pay for it!

Hottub77 · 17/05/2023 23:52

My mother did not have my back when I separated from my H and my father stopped talking to me. I was so traumatised I took him back. I will never trust that my parents have my back again.

Weatherwax13 · 17/05/2023 23:57

It's not "scary" it's a divorce. Sad perhaps but it's hardly a shocking rarity. I think you need to dial down the drama. This isn't even your marriage ! No tea and sympathy for SIL. Polite civility is all that's needed. Your DD is probably already fragile and maybe feels she can't trust and talk to you freely if there's a chance you going to relay it to her ex. I'm sure you don't want that.

misssunshine4040 · 18/05/2023 05:15

Pennypestcontrol · 16/05/2023 21:24

Yes you are being inappropriate.
You seem overly invested in this situation and your responses seem to be over the top.
Your daughter and her choices need to be respected. She is the one who knows what is right for her and her kids.
She will be the one feeling real pain and needs your back up and support.

DreamTheMoors · 18/05/2023 05:27

tailinthejam · 16/05/2023 21:32

She's your daughter. Your first loyalty should lie with her.

This, @Pennypestcontrol

My ex-husband left me for a woman and I found out at the end of the divorce that they had a toddler together. He’d been cheating for almost three years.
My mum told me “not to be too hard on him.”
Support your daughter. Period.

Chuffaluffa · 18/05/2023 05:49

Have to say as someone who has just gone through a tricky time with my parents because they did exactly this, it’s very comforting to read so many people validating my experience of it.

when I left my husband a few years ago I asked my parents to continue to support him, he was mentally in a dark place and I thought that was the best for him. Four years later that has continued to the extent he’ll visit them regularly with the kids, and I ended up reducing my time seeing them because he was always there.

he treats me badly, and uses them for childcare behind my back, and when I confronted my parents about them still encouraging him they said he was their friend, which was so hurtful to hear.

ive had to have a lot of difficult conversations with them to rebuild some trust, because it got to the stage where I actually had to tell my mum I didn’t trust her, which was awful. Believe me when I say your daughter needs her mum, so much, right now, and she needs you in her corner. Also, trust her to care about the best interests of her kids even more than you do.

Shoxfordian · 18/05/2023 05:56

She’s your daughter and you should be on her side, not neutral or scared or trying to talk her out of it. Have you never heard of loyalty?

Whereismyfairytale · 18/05/2023 05:59

Hi OP, I am coming at this from another angle as have recently been through a split myself, instigated by my ex, something I most certainly did not want. We have a young child.
i have made sure my parents remain neutral and on pleasant terms with him as there is no reason at all not to, we still get on well, no mistreatment or cheating etc and I would like for our child to see everyone treating each other well.
On the other hand, certain members of my ex partners immediate family have completely cut me off, won’t interact with me (there is No backstory here either) and I’ve found it incredibly hurtful and confusing, I think about it daily as it just blows my mind that people who I thought cared about me can treat me this way.

So I guess it depends on how involved you are with him, if you’re meeting him for coffee and cake a few times a week and messaging him daily then perhaps take a step back but if you’re just supporting him as well as your daughter and being kind to him, I see no issue with this and I think your daughter Is being immature and unkind by expecting you to take sides.

Butterfly44 · 18/05/2023 06:14

No neutrality. You support for DD. You don't know what he's like to live with and are not in the relationship. You're an outsider who sees what your shown. Who doesn't behave differently in front of others

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/05/2023 06:22

SarahSmith2023 · 16/05/2023 21:36

I'm afraid you are, she needs you to be on her side. You don't have to bad mouth him but, come on, your her MUM.

This. Sounds like you have been way too supportive of him and she is feeling you are letting her down by taking his side. She needs to feel you have HER back, not being all magnanimous and trying to stay neutral.

MrsMorrisey · 18/05/2023 06:23

You can be loyal to your daughter without being horrible to your SIL.

Just being your daughter doesn't make her totally right and him wrong.

TUCKINGFYP0 · 18/05/2023 06:41

MrsMorrisey · 18/05/2023 06:23

You can be loyal to your daughter without being horrible to your SIL.

Just being your daughter doesn't make her totally right and him wrong.

Not one single person on this thread has said that she should be horrible to her former SIL. She should be perfectly pleasant and polite . But meeting up for cosy one to one chats where she listens to him complain about her DD and “ being a sounding board “ is completely inappropriate.

it does nothing to promote the welfare of the GC and IMO is more about the Op feeding the drama , relishing hearing all the juicy details and making sure it’s all about her.

I hope she has learned from the clear consensus here and is trying to repair the damage she has caused to her relationship with her daughter. Otherwise she is going to end up seeing a lot less of her DD and her GC in future. Because this is not the type of betrayal that a daughter can forget, as PP have said.

Kicking her DD when she is down under the guise of “ ooh its scary for me” and “ what about the GC, I’m the only one here who cares about them” is a pretty mean thing to do.

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