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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He hit me

115 replies

Lostmum476 · 15/05/2023 21:37

I can't believe what I'm writing. We just had a baby together, 12 weeks old. I've kicked him out, I feel so broken. We went out for the first time since having the baby and he accused me of chatting to men in the club, I was not. We got home and got into a heated argument about it and he punched me in the face twice. My eye is swollen and face hurts. I can barely cope

OP posts:
Boomshock · 16/05/2023 00:18

It's not about getting him in trouble, it's about protecting yourself and your baby.

Original poster
Lostmum476 · 16/05/2023 00:20

I'm okay. The baby woke up a bit earlier so I was dealing with him. He's now back to sleep. I'm not quite ready to call the police yet but I've decided I will call women's aid tomorrow. I'm not scared of him but In that moment I was, I know I can and never will go back. I have to put my child first. Im glad he's showed me his true colours when the baby is small rather than him having to witness me being hurt. I feel like a shell of a person. Thank you for all the support, I'm safe, I wouldn't hurt myself and he won't turn up, if he does then I would call the police. I'm just trying to be strong for my son. I think you're all right, I'm in shock. This doesn't feel real to me

OP posts:
Ihatepickingausername3 · 16/05/2023 00:23

You are very understandably in shock right now. Have a cup of tea with a bit of sugar. In the nicest way possible, calling the police is putting your child first and protecting you both… but I am glad you are going to call womens aid.

Godlovesall26 · 16/05/2023 00:27

Lostmum476 · 16/05/2023 00:20

I'm okay. The baby woke up a bit earlier so I was dealing with him. He's now back to sleep. I'm not quite ready to call the police yet but I've decided I will call women's aid tomorrow. I'm not scared of him but In that moment I was, I know I can and never will go back. I have to put my child first. Im glad he's showed me his true colours when the baby is small rather than him having to witness me being hurt. I feel like a shell of a person. Thank you for all the support, I'm safe, I wouldn't hurt myself and he won't turn up, if he does then I would call the police. I'm just trying to be strong for my son. I think you're all right, I'm in shock. This doesn't feel real to me

Thank you for the update.
Have your family been in touch ?
Glad you’re calling WA tomorrow

Original poster
Lostmum476 · 16/05/2023 00:28

No, no one's been in touch.

OP posts:
Godlovesall26 · 16/05/2023 00:30

Lostmum476 · 16/05/2023 00:28

No, no one's been in touch.

Oh, I’m sorry, is that usual for them ? I’m a different time zone currently so apologies I’ve got a bit lost with bedtimes.
Im here for about half an hour if you wish company (by pm if you prefer)

Aaaaandbreathe · 16/05/2023 08:51

How are you this morning @Lostmum476?

IdealisticCynic · 16/05/2023 09:12

ShimmeringShirts · 15/05/2023 23:19

Oh for the love of fucking god everyone needs to back the hell of and stop telling the OP what she must and should be doing and betraying her for not doing exactly what you all say. She’s in shock, if she ever does wish to report this to the police she has that option. There is absolutely no need for her to do so now, or at any point this month if that’s not what she wishes. She doesn’t sound anywhere near stupid enough to hand her baby over to this man nor to let him back in so everyone lay off. Women that go through domestic abuse need kindness and compassion, not some loony tune telling her she’s a shitty mum for not dialling 999 immediately.

I don’t see people telling or even implying that OP is a “shitty mum.” I see a lot of people praising her for her actions so far and who understand how domestic violence and the family courts work trying to help OP.

Of course OP won’t hand her baby over, but you’re deluded if you think a family court might not. Men often punish women and extend their domestic abuse through the family courts. If OP reports what happened quickly, even if to her GP (though preferably to the police) she has a better chance of stopping that. Through work I have seen countless women suffer like this because they didn’t report quickly and then couldn’t get legal aid as a result. It’s wholly unfair but it’s the reality. Giving this sort of advice IS kind and compassionate.

JimnJoyce · 16/05/2023 09:21

Op I really hope you reconsider and call the Police

Tidsleytiddy · 16/05/2023 10:54

This happened to me when my son was three. I didn’t call the police and I still don’t know why. 31 years ago

leopard22 · 16/05/2023 11:28

What's your relationship been like before OP?

As a cop I've heard "I don't want to get him in trouble" so many times, probably the most common thing when talking to women who have been assaulted and hurt by their partners and I understand, you love him and if you're going to split you think that's enough punishment- going through the police process on top of everything else feels too much to bare.

BUT if o could give any advice from this side, report it, you don't have to support a police prosecution if you don't want to (just for clarity though some forces will arrest and push a victimless prosecution regardless, especially with injury evidence).

If he does get arrested the police can put bail conditions not to contact you should the case be take further or if it isn't, they can apply for a DVPN (if approved at court a DVPO) and again it will be conditions that he can't contact you for a certain amount of time, this will give you breathing space to process what's happened and what your next steps are going to be, move out if you want to etc.

It's also a record should there be issues over child access/custody, a referral would also be made to social services so again this is a protective measure for you and baby.

I don't know your history but if this is the first time, it won't be the last- it's not even low level, it's full punches in the face, if someone did this to you in the street they would deserve to get in trouble, let alone someone who is supposed to be your biggest protector.

Good luck OP, I hope you manage to stay strong and safe with whatever you decide to do

Turfwars · 16/05/2023 13:55

They are always remorseful in the immediate aftermath.

It's in a few days when he's not in his own house (that he might be paying rent or mortgage on) and listening to friends and family telling him to stand his ground and not to leave the home and to demand to have the baby 50/50 to dodge maintenance. And even if family are appalled and furious at him for what he did, they will still advise him in his own best interests - rarely will they advise him in your best interests.

I've been there. Not wanting to report him because I didn't want him to get into trouble. I regret that - but then we had no kids and no assets so it was a clean break. You face your DS going to his for visitation. Where you aren't around to protect DS from his next rage, or when he assaults the next girlfriend in front of the baby. So this is why people are advising you to report it. We aren't man hating harridians wanting revenge - we just remember how broken we were when it happened to us, or we look back and wish we had reported them because we know what usually comes next for abusers and their victims - especially if there's shared children or assets.

I'm hoping you're getting support from your family.

mathanxiety · 16/05/2023 17:04

@Lostmum476
Please take leopard22's advice.

You need to report for your own protection and for your baby's protection down the road.

I know it's hard to take that big step, but please consider the ramifications of not reporting - as a PP said uptrend, if there's no report it didn't happen. A claim in a year's time that it happened is a case of he said/ she said.

Women's Aid is there to support you. Please trust them. Ask them to help talk you through notifying the police of this attack.

When you call, you will probably go to voice-mail. Leave your name and number and a good time to call back. You can also contact them by email.

BlumminKids · 16/05/2023 22:09

How are you doing this evening @Lostmum476 ?

BanditsOnTheHorizon · 16/05/2023 22:37

Report it to the police.

If anything happens again it's be on record, if he shows up unannounced there will be a tag on your house

If it comes to child contact it'll be on record

The only person you're protecting by not reporting it is him. You put yourself and your child at risk

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