Ex has thrown paint everywhere

[Dapps]

Hi ladies, this is my first post - please be gentle, I'm a bit emotional to say the least.
I tried to end it with my partner of 7 months last night because he's incredibly jealous and is making me miserable with it. He went off ok but then came back round shouting through the letterbox and banging on the windows, getting louder and louder saying I had his bank card - we both knew I didn't.
So eventually I went out and told him to go and he'd thrown paint from my garden all over my front door and my driveway.
We got into a fight and I called the police. They turned up at 8.30am this morning and I said I didn't want to press any charges, I just wanted them to turn up at the time of the incident and get him to go away.
Now there's paint up the road where he got it under a neighbour's car and it's been driven up the road and I feel absolutely drained and depressed and I'm worried he'll be back. This has to be the end, obviously, but if he comes back again I don't know what to do. Help guys, please xx

Ffs ignore the typos my phone is seriously broken

You didn't want the police to charge him because you thought it would all be over without that.

But now you're worrying it won't be over.

Your best chance of him not doing it again is for the police to charge him. Not to do so sends him the sign that he can get away with it.

I would contact the police and say you've changed your mind as you are fearful he's going to do it again.

If you are in the UK, the police don't need your permission to charge someone, so they could have charged him anyway. However it seems they do sometimes take the opportunity, if the victim says they don't want any fuss, to avoid charging someone.

Press charges.

All the PP saying to press charges, I deal with lots of situations like this and the women who go through with the police process are in a tiny minority. I'm always astounded when I'm supporting one who does. It's rare.

Women want it to be over, want it to be a one off, want to move on, want to not poke the bear, want to avoid social services and the Courts and police. There are a million reasons women don't.

It's very easy to say you'd do it when you aren't dealing with it. Please be understanding.

Why the hell didn't you press charges ? Now he thinks he can do whatever he likes. Press charges and put an end to this.

Press charges

Get a Ring doorbell

Never answer the door

Block all social

Block all calls

Tell your friends and family

Avoid at all costs

Sorry for the double spacing on my reply, I thought it was important

I fully understand why so many women fail to report assaults ect...but if some asshole wrecked my garden and potentially made all my neighbours think I'd had a hand in vandalism of their property too, I'd report that like a shot.

I mean...maybe not if I felt it wasn't worth the hassle I suppose. But tbh I think it's a handy opportunity to get the police involved and scare him into sodding off.

Mind you the report alone might be enough uf they've already spoken to him. May not need to press charges. I think I would though, just because he seems the sort to keep coming back otherwise.

They won't be involved further, and mentioned that they would get in touch with my daughter's school about this. How on earth does that give you any confidence in them? She wasn't even here, she's at her dad's at the weekend.

A potentially dangerous man is very angry at you and may do things to make you suffer such as throw paint in your driveway knowing how upset that would make you.

It is not a stretch of the imagination to think if he’d do something like that he may pick your DD up from school to scare you.

The police absolutely did the right thing by telling the school as they need to make sure your child is safe.
You cannot fault the police for that.

If you don’t want to press charges as you don’t trust the police then it’s even more reason to get a ring doorbell because they’ll have to believe you if you have the evidence.

If he knows you don’t trust the police/won’t press charges then he could carry on doing stuff - you are already expecting him to shout outside.

If he turns up then tell him to leave else you’ll phone the police and if he doesn’t leave then ring them.
It may take them a while to come because him being outside shouting is a nuisance but it’s not an emergency so it will be lower down on their list.

it is great that the police notifies the school.

You have had an unstable and potentially violent ex partner threaten you and cause damage to your home.

me that is a huge red flags about the stability of your home and safety of any child living there.

the school needs to know - this could be part of a wider picture.

schools should be notified every time something g lien this happens at their home - so they can keep an eye on the child, understand why they might be unsettled and look out for any patterns.

I am concerned this makes you think the police aren’t trust worthy.

It’s up to The police and the CPS to ‘press charges’ if they decide it warrants it.

@Stripedbag101 I absolutely 100% advocate interference when the safety of the child might be in jeopardy, of course I do. And when PC Plod and his croney came bumbling in treading globs of white paint up my hallway at 8.30 this morning I was glad that the whole episode hadn't just been swept under the proverbial carpet. I know it's the best course of action, other families might be prone to these situations regularly. It's just that my haunches came up when I felt like my gorgeous kid might be stigmatised by the absolute arsehole that I introduced into our lives. I'm scared of what she'll be made privy to about the whole thing, if she'll be afraid or wary, if she'll have lost her trust in me as her protector and carer. It's a whole other can of worms. My emotions are all over the place. I just want the bastard gone forever so we can get on with what we do best. The fact that I feel under attack by you guys as to my parenting abilities (which is hopefully paranoia because of my stressed head) panics the bejesus out of me when it comes to her school! She's happy and well adjusted - say she feels a weird vibe or something? Oh and as well as that I messaged her dad to say there was a problem and he was straight on the phone to my Mum (who I hate to involve because she's a terrible worrier as it is) and he will have told my girl everything. He has no filter or consideration for her age or thought processes. I'm sure that's another thing you'll think 'victim' about lol. God I need a bath and an early night.

you Have had an awful shock and are feeling defensive.

but what happened is troubling for you and for your daughter - hopefully this man never approached you again. if your ex does tell her what has happened that is another red flag - this time about the emotional maturity of her dad.

the school should have the sensitivity and professionalism to keep this confidential - but also to check on the emotional welfare of your child.

you seek to have a mistrust of authority - schools, police. That will be another red flag for the school.

I am sorry this has happened - hopefully it will be an isolated incident and hopefully the adults around your daughter ensure she is never aware of what happened.

have you though how you will explain the paint?

Well
Pc plod came because you called.

If you dont want police - dont call them
Simple

This type of post actually begins to grate .

I've told you why it was t an immediate response
I've told you about ncdv

You say you aren't a fan of police - well there a surprise.

I'm afraid we do our best given what we have at our disposal. If you don't want pc plod round at 8.30 dragging the paint your ex threw - dont ring for us .
Its not rocket science .

And yes when you have children in the mix we have to safeguard. Like it or not .

She completely understands why they need to safeguard her daughter. She's said that. She's just worried more will come of it.

Exactly

More will come of it how ?

If he poses a danger to her child yes .
If he's a pathetic manchild who decided to throw a strop on being dumped - no

For all dv related incidents police have to make a referral to social care
If children are involved or live at the address the I code t happens

Because kids get killed by idiots .
And some parents fail to
Safeguard them . We don't know who - so we refer to the relevant authorities.

And I say again - f you resent the police involvement then dont bloody ring us in the fist place but if you do don't whinge that we doing the safeguarding we need to .

This

Excellent advice all round

You're absolutely not a failure as a mother, quite the opposite

It's just that my haunches came up when I felt like my gorgeous kid might be stigmatised by the absolute arsehole that I introduced into our lives. I'm scared of what she'll be made privy to about the whole thing, if she'll be afraid or wary, if she'll have lost her trust in me as her protector and carer.

You are going to be a massive mix of emotions right now but the police aren’t the ones that are going to affect your child, it is your ex and his actions.
Don’t blame anyone else but the person responsible which is your ex.

The police and school have a duty to protect your child and for that you should be grateful.

If you think your ex would have spoken to your DD about it then I would give her a ring tonight and tomorrow morning so she’s not worrying about you and I’d give the school a ring and explain your worries and what’s gone on.

And I am sick of saying now that the police do not get to chose if charges are brought .

Without a victim statement there is NO case 99% of the time .

It's time
People start
Taking some bloody responsibility for their own lives , their choices and their actions instead of expecting someone else to wade in and do it for them .

Can you not get a Restraining Order against him following this incident so he is not allowed near you?

This

You should have pressed charges. Because you didn't, he will think he can get away with this type of crap behaviour now.